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Saturday, 31 December 2011
Wednesday, 21 December 2011
Finally had second fertility specialist appointment
After the hospital cancelling the appointment from the original date of November 28th and delaying it till January 23rd, I then complained and after waiting ages they finally gave me a new appointment for the 19th December YAY!!!! 
The only problem was that it meant hubby couldn't make it as he had a work commitment he was not able to get out of and we knew if we tried to change the appointment they would make us wait who knows how long for another.
Luckily a good friend of mine offered to come with me.
So trying to be organised and knowing I was so stressed I would forget details, I took a little notebook with me, I even wrote pre appointment notes before the appointment so I would know what I wanted to make note of, I wrote FSH, LH etc and left little spaces next to them for the results lol.
I then went in to town to meet my friend at her work (She had changed her hours for the day to be able to come with me, bless her)
She said I looked completely stressed as soon as she saw me so god knows what I must have looked like.
We got to the clinic and it was as busy as always, but luckily we did not have to wait too long to be seen, or maybe it just felt like that as I was able to chat away with my friend while waiting.
As soon as we walked into the consultant's room he went straight into my test results as I am sure I must have looked even more nervous lol
He had hubby's second semen analysis results on his computer screen, he said they were normal and that although they had not been able to check the count this time, he was not concerned as the count had been so high before and had been more concerned with what they call the motility (how well they swim, whether they swim in the same direction etc) as this had been slightly lower than average when it was checked back in March, but he was pleased as this time it was up from 37% to 43% (Average is 40% he said)
I said "So it's not him, it's me that's the problem then?" he was very tactful and didn't answer that lol
He then said all my tests were normal, I asked for my FSH level and he said it was 4.3 and then went back through my records and said strangely my FSH levels had got better over the last 3 times it has been tested.
He said my LH level was ok too at 2.6.
My HSG proceedure had shown my tubes were clear and my internal ultrasound had been normal too so the only conclusion was a problem with ovulating.
He has prescribed 6 months of a fertility drug called Clomid.
He said I have to start taking 50mg on day 2 of my next cycle through to day 6, and then I have to go to the hospital on day 21 to have a blood test to check whether my ovaries respond to the treatment.
I need to phone the specialist fertility nurse 2 days later for the result and if the ovaries are not responding the nurse will increase the dose for the next cycle and I will start all over again.
He warned me about possible side effects saying there was a 10% chance of conceiving twins as the drug makes the ovaries release more than one egg, I couldn't look at my friend when he said this as I could just imagine her face thinking of my hubby's reaction to TWINS!!! lol
He then warned me about other side effects such as the fact my ovaries were going to become massive and painful and that I neeeded to look out for something called hyper ovarian stimulation syndrome (think I have that right) where they get too stimulated and cause fluid in the stomach that needs to be treated in hospital as an emergency.
Bit scary!
I left with a prescription for 6 months of Clomid and another appointment with the fertility specialist for 6 months time (Unless they change it on me again)
We went to the hospital pharmacy to collect my medication and it was hard not to laugh as I was questioned about alergies etc and whether I knew why I was taking the drug and then the most intelligent question... was I PREGNANT???
So now I am on cycle day 19 and again this month I took soya isoflavones at the start of my cycle (I tried taking them earlier than last month and I also upped the dose from 100mg to 150mg) and I did get my positive opk a whole DAY earlier than last month wooo hooo lol
Hubby bless him seems to be hoping we conceive this month so I won't have to take the fertility drug as he does not like the idea of the more serious side effects (Although I think the thought of twins probably worries him a bit too lol)
My next cycle is not due to start until early January so not much else I can do right now, apart from the obvious of course lol
Oh well Merry Christmas to any readers out there and all the best for 2012 whatever your plans are
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The only problem was that it meant hubby couldn't make it as he had a work commitment he was not able to get out of and we knew if we tried to change the appointment they would make us wait who knows how long for another.
Luckily a good friend of mine offered to come with me.
So trying to be organised and knowing I was so stressed I would forget details, I took a little notebook with me, I even wrote pre appointment notes before the appointment so I would know what I wanted to make note of, I wrote FSH, LH etc and left little spaces next to them for the results lol.
I then went in to town to meet my friend at her work (She had changed her hours for the day to be able to come with me, bless her)
She said I looked completely stressed as soon as she saw me so god knows what I must have looked like.
We got to the clinic and it was as busy as always, but luckily we did not have to wait too long to be seen, or maybe it just felt like that as I was able to chat away with my friend while waiting.
As soon as we walked into the consultant's room he went straight into my test results as I am sure I must have looked even more nervous lol
He had hubby's second semen analysis results on his computer screen, he said they were normal and that although they had not been able to check the count this time, he was not concerned as the count had been so high before and had been more concerned with what they call the motility (how well they swim, whether they swim in the same direction etc) as this had been slightly lower than average when it was checked back in March, but he was pleased as this time it was up from 37% to 43% (Average is 40% he said)
I said "So it's not him, it's me that's the problem then?" he was very tactful and didn't answer that lol
He then said all my tests were normal, I asked for my FSH level and he said it was 4.3 and then went back through my records and said strangely my FSH levels had got better over the last 3 times it has been tested.
He said my LH level was ok too at 2.6.
My HSG proceedure had shown my tubes were clear and my internal ultrasound had been normal too so the only conclusion was a problem with ovulating.
He has prescribed 6 months of a fertility drug called Clomid.
He said I have to start taking 50mg on day 2 of my next cycle through to day 6, and then I have to go to the hospital on day 21 to have a blood test to check whether my ovaries respond to the treatment.
I need to phone the specialist fertility nurse 2 days later for the result and if the ovaries are not responding the nurse will increase the dose for the next cycle and I will start all over again.
He warned me about possible side effects saying there was a 10% chance of conceiving twins as the drug makes the ovaries release more than one egg, I couldn't look at my friend when he said this as I could just imagine her face thinking of my hubby's reaction to TWINS!!! lol
He then warned me about other side effects such as the fact my ovaries were going to become massive and painful and that I neeeded to look out for something called hyper ovarian stimulation syndrome (think I have that right) where they get too stimulated and cause fluid in the stomach that needs to be treated in hospital as an emergency.
Bit scary!
I left with a prescription for 6 months of Clomid and another appointment with the fertility specialist for 6 months time (Unless they change it on me again)
We went to the hospital pharmacy to collect my medication and it was hard not to laugh as I was questioned about alergies etc and whether I knew why I was taking the drug and then the most intelligent question... was I PREGNANT???
So now I am on cycle day 19 and again this month I took soya isoflavones at the start of my cycle (I tried taking them earlier than last month and I also upped the dose from 100mg to 150mg) and I did get my positive opk a whole DAY earlier than last month wooo hooo lol
Hubby bless him seems to be hoping we conceive this month so I won't have to take the fertility drug as he does not like the idea of the more serious side effects (Although I think the thought of twins probably worries him a bit too lol)
My next cycle is not due to start until early January so not much else I can do right now, apart from the obvious of course lol
Oh well Merry Christmas to any readers out there and all the best for 2012 whatever your plans are
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Tuesday, 13 December 2011
Less than a week to go
Till my second fertility specialist appointment that is.
Today is Tuesday and my appointment is on Monday and I have to say I am already starting to get worried whenever I let myself think about it.
My hubby definitely cannot make it to the appointment this time due to work commitments, I am very lucky a lovely friend of mine offered to change her hours at work for the day and is coming with me.
I am going to have to take a notebook with me to write stuff down for hubby, especially details of my test results and also his recent semen analysis as I know I will struggle to take it all in without him there.
This is the last week of term for my boys so they will be home when I have my appointment, but the older 2 are now old enough to stay with the younger one for a little while.
I am glad the appointment will be over with in time for Xmas, but am so worried I will leave the appointment no better off and am scared of being fobbed off.
I willl be 37 in March and while I know some people will say this is still young, fertility wise it really isn't and the fact that this time we have been trying to conceive for so long with no luck cannot be a good sign.
My cycles are still totally irregular which is not how they used to be and I have also noticed that my actual periods are getting shorter which really worries me too as I am worried I might be starting some sort of peri menopause and yet again have been researching and these are all possible signs and apparently anything under 40 is considered early menopause, I also discovered that this peri menopause thing can last anything up to 10 years before going into full menopause and they only confirm full menopause when you have not had a period for 12 months.
I went to Zumba last night with a friend, on the way there in her car with another friend of hers we were talking about my problems conceiving and I was so surprised and happy to hear the other lady saying that she can imagine some people saying it cannot be that bad or upsetting as I already have 3 kids, but that she could imagine that it does not actually mean it hurts any less.
It was so nice to hear someone actually able to empathise and not just spout insensitive comments.
I keep bumping into people I have not seen for quite a while who I told ages ago we were trying for another baby and it is really hard as they either assume we have changed our minds about trying or they try to joke around saying things like "Wow , you STILL not pregnant?" etc.
Also I still regularly go on a chat forum I have been going on all year and now I am seeing women who started trying after me or around the same time and are now giving birth or getting close to it, it just reminds me exactly how long we have been trying for.
As Christmas is coming we will soon be getting together with hubbys family, we have not seen some of them since the Summer when we told then we are trying for a baby so I know the conversation will come round to it at some point and while I would be a bit put out of no one mentioned it as it is so important to me, I can imagine how upsetting the conversation might be.
Hubby bless him still says he believes we will have another baby, but I am less and less convinced and I do wonder whether he really is as sure as he claims, or whether he is just trying to stay positive for me as he can see I am losing faith.
He has admitted it is taking a lot longer than he thought it would and that he was sure I would at least have been pregnant by Christmas and I am not even close.
Some of my friends have even given up asking me how things are going, maybe because they too are losing faith and just don't want to upset me by asking as they know I am not falling pregnant because they know me well enough to know if I was I would be shouting it from the roof tops.
So to give a little update, today is cycle day 10 and I have started testing with ovulation tests, I am hoping the earlier and higher dose I took of soya isoflavones this cycle MIGHT make me get an earlier positive OPK and hopefully I might actually ovulate as despite getting positive opks, I am not convinced I am.
We will see....
Today is Tuesday and my appointment is on Monday and I have to say I am already starting to get worried whenever I let myself think about it.
My hubby definitely cannot make it to the appointment this time due to work commitments, I am very lucky a lovely friend of mine offered to change her hours at work for the day and is coming with me.
I am going to have to take a notebook with me to write stuff down for hubby, especially details of my test results and also his recent semen analysis as I know I will struggle to take it all in without him there.
This is the last week of term for my boys so they will be home when I have my appointment, but the older 2 are now old enough to stay with the younger one for a little while.
I am glad the appointment will be over with in time for Xmas, but am so worried I will leave the appointment no better off and am scared of being fobbed off.
I willl be 37 in March and while I know some people will say this is still young, fertility wise it really isn't and the fact that this time we have been trying to conceive for so long with no luck cannot be a good sign.
My cycles are still totally irregular which is not how they used to be and I have also noticed that my actual periods are getting shorter which really worries me too as I am worried I might be starting some sort of peri menopause and yet again have been researching and these are all possible signs and apparently anything under 40 is considered early menopause, I also discovered that this peri menopause thing can last anything up to 10 years before going into full menopause and they only confirm full menopause when you have not had a period for 12 months.
I went to Zumba last night with a friend, on the way there in her car with another friend of hers we were talking about my problems conceiving and I was so surprised and happy to hear the other lady saying that she can imagine some people saying it cannot be that bad or upsetting as I already have 3 kids, but that she could imagine that it does not actually mean it hurts any less.
It was so nice to hear someone actually able to empathise and not just spout insensitive comments.
I keep bumping into people I have not seen for quite a while who I told ages ago we were trying for another baby and it is really hard as they either assume we have changed our minds about trying or they try to joke around saying things like "Wow , you STILL not pregnant?" etc.
Also I still regularly go on a chat forum I have been going on all year and now I am seeing women who started trying after me or around the same time and are now giving birth or getting close to it, it just reminds me exactly how long we have been trying for.
As Christmas is coming we will soon be getting together with hubbys family, we have not seen some of them since the Summer when we told then we are trying for a baby so I know the conversation will come round to it at some point and while I would be a bit put out of no one mentioned it as it is so important to me, I can imagine how upsetting the conversation might be.
Hubby bless him still says he believes we will have another baby, but I am less and less convinced and I do wonder whether he really is as sure as he claims, or whether he is just trying to stay positive for me as he can see I am losing faith.
He has admitted it is taking a lot longer than he thought it would and that he was sure I would at least have been pregnant by Christmas and I am not even close.
Some of my friends have even given up asking me how things are going, maybe because they too are losing faith and just don't want to upset me by asking as they know I am not falling pregnant because they know me well enough to know if I was I would be shouting it from the roof tops.
So to give a little update, today is cycle day 10 and I have started testing with ovulation tests, I am hoping the earlier and higher dose I took of soya isoflavones this cycle MIGHT make me get an earlier positive OPK and hopefully I might actually ovulate as despite getting positive opks, I am not convinced I am.
We will see....
Thursday, 1 December 2011
Maybe I shouldn't blog when upset, but...
I have to let these feelings out.
As you can probably guess, I don't have any good news for this month either, sorry.
It is cycle day 32 and as I got my positive ovulation prediction test result on day 18, counting from day 20 when it went back to being negative, today I am about 13 days past ovulation.
I even took soya isoflavones this cycle, I took 100mg from day 5 to day 9, not sure whether I need to think of trying taking them earlier, a larger dose, or both!
Well today I have not only started light pink spotting, but I took an internet cheapie pregnancy test a bit earlier this afternoon and it could not have been any more negative if it tried.
I have my second appointment with the fertility specialist in just over two weeks, but I have to say right now I am dreading it and am starting to really get scared of what they might say.
To make it harder, hubby cannot make it this time due to work he cannot get out of.
I thought about changing the appointment but anyone reading this blog will know I was originally meant to be having this appointment in November, but the hospital cancelled and changed it to mid January and now they have given me an earlier appointment (After I complained) I cannot really changed it as who knows how long I would have to wait.
My lovely friend offered and has changed her working hours so she can come with me for support which is amazing of her.
Hubby will be doing his repeat semen analysis next week so the specialist will have all the results ready in time for my appointment hopefully, I know he said he needed this done a month before the appointment, but as the appointment was changed late we do not have a month, but hopefully will be ok as I know they do their analysis within an hour of it being given to them.
It would have been so lovely to have been pregnant for xmas like I was with my last baby, but right now what is the most painful is how long it is taking and this niggling fear that it just is not going to happen.
I have to drag myself out in the horriblw weather soon to collect my youngest from school and give him an extra cuddle, but just wanted to update my blog quickly.
As you can probably guess, I don't have any good news for this month either, sorry.
It is cycle day 32 and as I got my positive ovulation prediction test result on day 18, counting from day 20 when it went back to being negative, today I am about 13 days past ovulation.
I even took soya isoflavones this cycle, I took 100mg from day 5 to day 9, not sure whether I need to think of trying taking them earlier, a larger dose, or both!
Well today I have not only started light pink spotting, but I took an internet cheapie pregnancy test a bit earlier this afternoon and it could not have been any more negative if it tried.
I have my second appointment with the fertility specialist in just over two weeks, but I have to say right now I am dreading it and am starting to really get scared of what they might say.
To make it harder, hubby cannot make it this time due to work he cannot get out of.
I thought about changing the appointment but anyone reading this blog will know I was originally meant to be having this appointment in November, but the hospital cancelled and changed it to mid January and now they have given me an earlier appointment (After I complained) I cannot really changed it as who knows how long I would have to wait.
My lovely friend offered and has changed her working hours so she can come with me for support which is amazing of her.
Hubby will be doing his repeat semen analysis next week so the specialist will have all the results ready in time for my appointment hopefully, I know he said he needed this done a month before the appointment, but as the appointment was changed late we do not have a month, but hopefully will be ok as I know they do their analysis within an hour of it being given to them.
It would have been so lovely to have been pregnant for xmas like I was with my last baby, but right now what is the most painful is how long it is taking and this niggling fear that it just is not going to happen.
I have to drag myself out in the horriblw weather soon to collect my youngest from school and give him an extra cuddle, but just wanted to update my blog quickly.
Monday, 21 November 2011
Seeing how it goes
Hello anyone out there reading this, before I go on I just wanted to say I hope your TTC journey's are going well, I say this because it has occured to me that anyone reading this might be doing so because they are also trying to conceive a baby so just wanted to take a moment to think of you too.
Anyway back to business lol
I DID take the soya isoflavones from cd5 untill cd9, I took 100mg each night just before I went to bed, I took them at bedtime as I was a bit worried about any possible side effects.
After taking them for a few days I did notice I felt a little out of it and groggy, but not so bad I could not cope with it.
I decided to take the 100mg as the tablets I took were 50mg and although I had read about people taking 200mg I was a bit worried as it was my first time taking them and did not want to take a massive dose straight away.
The plan was to see whether they made any difference this cycle and think about upping the dose for my next cycle.
So I stopped taking them after cd9 and started taking internet cheapie ovulation tests the next day and got a positive result on cd18 and cd19.
I have had a positive on cd18 before but it is more common for me to have it closer to cd21 or later.
I also normally get positives for about 3 days in a row before they turn negative and this cycle it was only clearlt positive for 2 days so whether that means anything I don't know.
We have been doing the deed as they say every few days and we also did it the day before the first positive opk and then the next day (The day of the first positive) then have gone back to every few days.
Going by the online cycle calculator because I got an earlier positive opk my next period (AF) is due a little earlier, December 2nd, but it is so hard to know as my cycle lengths vary soooo much these days which seriously stresses me out as I keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them smashed time and time again.
I can't believe it is nearly a whole year since hubby finally agreed to start trying for another PROPERLY again (and final, his words) baby after longing for one for so long.
But it does hurt that after all this time and everything that we have tried, I have got absolutely nowhere and am no better off than I was last year.
Next Monday SHOULD have been our hospital appointment and we should have been finally getting the all important test results and deciding on the next step and now we are having to wait untill January :(
This cycle I have not even bought a single pregnancy test and have no plans to do so as I doubt I will need one, it will be the first month I have not bought one since this journey started.
So I guess we really are just seeing how it goes....
Anyway back to business lol
I DID take the soya isoflavones from cd5 untill cd9, I took 100mg each night just before I went to bed, I took them at bedtime as I was a bit worried about any possible side effects.
After taking them for a few days I did notice I felt a little out of it and groggy, but not so bad I could not cope with it.
I decided to take the 100mg as the tablets I took were 50mg and although I had read about people taking 200mg I was a bit worried as it was my first time taking them and did not want to take a massive dose straight away.
The plan was to see whether they made any difference this cycle and think about upping the dose for my next cycle.
So I stopped taking them after cd9 and started taking internet cheapie ovulation tests the next day and got a positive result on cd18 and cd19.
I have had a positive on cd18 before but it is more common for me to have it closer to cd21 or later.
I also normally get positives for about 3 days in a row before they turn negative and this cycle it was only clearlt positive for 2 days so whether that means anything I don't know.
We have been doing the deed as they say every few days and we also did it the day before the first positive opk and then the next day (The day of the first positive) then have gone back to every few days.
Going by the online cycle calculator because I got an earlier positive opk my next period (AF) is due a little earlier, December 2nd, but it is so hard to know as my cycle lengths vary soooo much these days which seriously stresses me out as I keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them smashed time and time again.
I can't believe it is nearly a whole year since hubby finally agreed to start trying for another PROPERLY again (and final, his words) baby after longing for one for so long.
But it does hurt that after all this time and everything that we have tried, I have got absolutely nowhere and am no better off than I was last year.
Next Monday SHOULD have been our hospital appointment and we should have been finally getting the all important test results and deciding on the next step and now we are having to wait untill January :(
This cycle I have not even bought a single pregnancy test and have no plans to do so as I doubt I will need one, it will be the first month I have not bought one since this journey started.
So I guess we really are just seeing how it goes....
Monday, 7 November 2011
Positive step
Thought I would do a quick little update, nooo I am still NOT pregnant, but I am taking what I hope is a bit of a positive, proactive step in the right direction.
As you know I have been let down and disappointed by the hospital and instead of seeing the fertility specialist at the end of this month, I am now not going to get to see him until January.
I am/was hoping that at this appointment he would be trying me on Clomid to help me to ovulate.
Through all my research and my lovely online forum friends I found out about Soya Isoflavones which are nicknamed "Nature's own Clomid" and are also meant to help with ovulation when taken for 5 days at the start of the cycle.
So today is cd8 and I have been taking 100mg of these since cd5 and tomorrow is my last dose for this cycle. I will then start testing for ovulation with my bargain internet cheapie ovulation tests to see whether they help me to get a positive result any earlier than I normally get (ie cd19 to cd27)
As far as side effects go I am getting a little light headed and didn't feel too well yesterday evening.
I take the tablets just before I go to bed to hopefully reduce any side effects and I am taking a smaller dose than I have read about some people taking.
So will see how it goes...
As you know I have been let down and disappointed by the hospital and instead of seeing the fertility specialist at the end of this month, I am now not going to get to see him until January.
I am/was hoping that at this appointment he would be trying me on Clomid to help me to ovulate.
Through all my research and my lovely online forum friends I found out about Soya Isoflavones which are nicknamed "Nature's own Clomid" and are also meant to help with ovulation when taken for 5 days at the start of the cycle.
So today is cd8 and I have been taking 100mg of these since cd5 and tomorrow is my last dose for this cycle. I will then start testing for ovulation with my bargain internet cheapie ovulation tests to see whether they help me to get a positive result any earlier than I normally get (ie cd19 to cd27)
As far as side effects go I am getting a little light headed and didn't feel too well yesterday evening.
I take the tablets just before I go to bed to hopefully reduce any side effects and I am taking a smaller dose than I have read about some people taking.
So will see how it goes...
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Nope, that didn't work either
I honestly DID try not to get my hope up for this cycle despite all the encouraging words from the lady who did my HSG tube jet wash as she called it at the end of September.
I am trying my hardest not to resent my hubby for this because after getting my positive ovulation test late on day 26 of my cycle we only "tried" ONCE as he just did not want to after that which of course seriously upset and worried me as I cannot help worrying he might just suddenly change his mind about wanting this baby (He promises this is NOT the case)
We did in fact end up having a bit of an argument about why he was not interested at the most important time of my cycle, apparently he had got fed up with it all having to be so "clinical"
Bit unfair after we have been trying for so long and as anyone else struggling with any form of infertility knows you NEED to try at your most fertile times to stand any chance of getting pregnant.
I do understand it is not nice to have to be so clinical about timing but it cannot be helped and it is not like it all month long.
To make it worse and to torture me just a little bit more, my cycle decided to go from being around the 32/36 mark to being 41 days so I gave in and took a pregnancy test which of course was negative, but I still had the glimmer of hope I am constantly foolish enough to let myself have, thinking it might be too early as I was only about 12 days past ovulation.
But then the next evening I started spotting and by yesterday I knew it was over yet again and now today I am in absolute agony and feeling so low.
It might have been a little less painful if I still had the knowledge of having my fertility appointment at the end of this month (November) but of course as you know the hospital so kindly decided to cancel that and put it off for another 3 MONTHS!
So unfortunately another negative blog today, sorry I wish with all my heart it was different, but yet again I am at the stage where I am meant to be being all positive and planning ahead to the next cycle and believing it will be THE one.
But I have always wanted to try to be honest with my blog...
I do NOT feel hopeful or positive for my next cycle, I only see more disappointment ahead of me and because of this I am NOT planning on testing for ovulation or anything like that at the moment and no I am not doing it this way in the vain hope that by not actively trying I will magically become pregnant because after trying everything and failing I do not see how trying nothing could possibly work.
The only thing we might do this month is get hubby semen analysis repeated as requested by the fertility specialist back at our first appointment at the beginning of August.
So who knows anymore?, who knows?
I am trying my hardest not to resent my hubby for this because after getting my positive ovulation test late on day 26 of my cycle we only "tried" ONCE as he just did not want to after that which of course seriously upset and worried me as I cannot help worrying he might just suddenly change his mind about wanting this baby (He promises this is NOT the case)
We did in fact end up having a bit of an argument about why he was not interested at the most important time of my cycle, apparently he had got fed up with it all having to be so "clinical"
Bit unfair after we have been trying for so long and as anyone else struggling with any form of infertility knows you NEED to try at your most fertile times to stand any chance of getting pregnant.
I do understand it is not nice to have to be so clinical about timing but it cannot be helped and it is not like it all month long.
To make it worse and to torture me just a little bit more, my cycle decided to go from being around the 32/36 mark to being 41 days so I gave in and took a pregnancy test which of course was negative, but I still had the glimmer of hope I am constantly foolish enough to let myself have, thinking it might be too early as I was only about 12 days past ovulation.
But then the next evening I started spotting and by yesterday I knew it was over yet again and now today I am in absolute agony and feeling so low.
It might have been a little less painful if I still had the knowledge of having my fertility appointment at the end of this month (November) but of course as you know the hospital so kindly decided to cancel that and put it off for another 3 MONTHS!
So unfortunately another negative blog today, sorry I wish with all my heart it was different, but yet again I am at the stage where I am meant to be being all positive and planning ahead to the next cycle and believing it will be THE one.
But I have always wanted to try to be honest with my blog...
I do NOT feel hopeful or positive for my next cycle, I only see more disappointment ahead of me and because of this I am NOT planning on testing for ovulation or anything like that at the moment and no I am not doing it this way in the vain hope that by not actively trying I will magically become pregnant because after trying everything and failing I do not see how trying nothing could possibly work.
The only thing we might do this month is get hubby semen analysis repeated as requested by the fertility specialist back at our first appointment at the beginning of August.
So who knows anymore?, who knows?
Monday, 17 October 2011
Ups and Downs, literally
Here we are starting what us TTCers call the two week wait.
Although not totally sure I am at that stage of my cycle or not as I seem to have had 2 lots of positive ovulation test times.
I tested last Wednesday when my online chart thingy said I was due to ovulate (going by my long cycles) and got a positive, then they went negative again untill I bought some ClearBlue ones on Saturday and got another positive result, then out of curiosity or should that be out of the need to torture myself, I used a cheapie
internet pregnancy test and it came out positive.
Now any readers out there, please do NOT go getting excited for me, this has happened before and it was the cheapie tests picking up the ovulation hormone, even though everything I read says they are NOT meant to.
I then took a ClearBlue pregnancy test (I know a lot of people say they are not that sensitive early on) and it was negative anyway.
We did dtd (Do The Deed) anyway that night just incase.
Quite impressive as this was also the day I did my first ever Zumba class (OMG they are intense lol)
So on Sunday I took another CB ovulation test and again it was positive and so was the cheapie pregnancy test I took another of for some stupid reason.
We didn't manage to DTD that night.
Well I have just taken another CB ovulation test and again it was positive so that is 3 days in a row of positive ovulation tests.
I have been good and NOT taken another cheapie pregnancy test as I am convincing myself it is just picking up on the ovulation hormones.
My plan is to keep taking ovulation tests and if they are positive for more than 4 days (as I have had 3 days of them before) I might THEN take another test, also the alternative plan is to keep taking the ovulation tests and once/if they go negative I will then take another cheapie pregnancy test and see what that says.
I have to say I am pretty frustrated right now (and nooooo not because we didn't DTD last night lol) it is actually because I received a letter from the hospital last Thursday telling me they have changed my all important appointment with the fertility specialist that was meant to be at the end of November to the end of bloody January!!!
No explanation whatsoever, no other options suggested, NOTHING
So I have just contacted the patient liason people as this is not fair, they might have their reasons (Possibly something to do with how it might make their waiting lists appear I have been told) but this is already stressful enough.
Now it will be over 5 months between appointments and not the 3 months the specialist himself wanted.
So now I have to wait even longer for test results and to see whether I will be put on Clomid for ovulation as has been mentioned.
GRRRRRR
I have also been silly and ordered another online psychic reading and am still waiting in hope of that bringing me positive news.
Although not totally sure I am at that stage of my cycle or not as I seem to have had 2 lots of positive ovulation test times.
I tested last Wednesday when my online chart thingy said I was due to ovulate (going by my long cycles) and got a positive, then they went negative again untill I bought some ClearBlue ones on Saturday and got another positive result, then out of curiosity or should that be out of the need to torture myself, I used a cheapie
internet pregnancy test and it came out positive.
Now any readers out there, please do NOT go getting excited for me, this has happened before and it was the cheapie tests picking up the ovulation hormone, even though everything I read says they are NOT meant to.
I then took a ClearBlue pregnancy test (I know a lot of people say they are not that sensitive early on) and it was negative anyway.
We did dtd (Do The Deed) anyway that night just incase.
Quite impressive as this was also the day I did my first ever Zumba class (OMG they are intense lol)
So on Sunday I took another CB ovulation test and again it was positive and so was the cheapie pregnancy test I took another of for some stupid reason.
We didn't manage to DTD that night.
Well I have just taken another CB ovulation test and again it was positive so that is 3 days in a row of positive ovulation tests.
I have been good and NOT taken another cheapie pregnancy test as I am convincing myself it is just picking up on the ovulation hormones.
My plan is to keep taking ovulation tests and if they are positive for more than 4 days (as I have had 3 days of them before) I might THEN take another test, also the alternative plan is to keep taking the ovulation tests and once/if they go negative I will then take another cheapie pregnancy test and see what that says.
I have to say I am pretty frustrated right now (and nooooo not because we didn't DTD last night lol) it is actually because I received a letter from the hospital last Thursday telling me they have changed my all important appointment with the fertility specialist that was meant to be at the end of November to the end of bloody January!!!
No explanation whatsoever, no other options suggested, NOTHING
So I have just contacted the patient liason people as this is not fair, they might have their reasons (Possibly something to do with how it might make their waiting lists appear I have been told) but this is already stressful enough.
Now it will be over 5 months between appointments and not the 3 months the specialist himself wanted.
So now I have to wait even longer for test results and to see whether I will be put on Clomid for ovulation as has been mentioned.
GRRRRRR
I have also been silly and ordered another online psychic reading and am still waiting in hope of that bringing me positive news.
Monday, 10 October 2011
I was so determined not to obsess this month, I have been and am trying sooo hard to stop replaying the clinical radiologists words about how many women fall pregnant the same month as having their HSG test performed, over and over.
But as you can imagine it is hard not to get your hopes up when someone gives you that glimmer of hope no matter how hard you try.
Today is cd21 and despite taking the ovulation prediction tests since the day after my HSG (cd9) NOTHING, nadda, not a thing. Not even the faint line that has sometimes been there even before ovulation.
Apparently there is often a very faint line because there is ALWAYS a certain amount of the LH hormone that the test detects in your body, you just get the positive result when the test detects a surge in this hormone.
Although my cycles are irregular I do NORMALLY get a positive result by now so I did what I always do and googled about it, only to read countless reports on women having the same issue, not ovulating after the HSG done.
Maybe this should have made feel better, but it didn't, I think I was hoping to find this was impossible and that I was just ovulating late.
Oh and while googling I discovered various articles saying that these tests are misleading as they infact are picking up the hormone surge that happens AFTER ovulation and NO before, this is really worrying if it is true as so many of us TTCers (trying to conceive ers) rely in these tests to know when it is best to be doing the deed.
This month hubby and I had already decided to dtd every other day from cd12 onwards, so not easy when the joy that is endometriosis makes having sex that often really painful.
But apart from one day we are doing pretty well with it so far thank you lol.
The other problem with possibly ovulating late means my period will be due even later which means even more waiting and counting days.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist untill the end of next month (November), I have had all the tests he asked for now and we just need hubby to "Perform" another semen analysis at the end of this month as per specialists instructions.
He has been taking his "MAN tablets as I call them (They are Wellman conception tablets, vitamins really, but I think you need yo use a bit of humor sometimes or you will go mad)
Again I got onto my mate Google and researched what things could affect motility of sperm in a sample and was strangely releived to see that it said abstaining for too long would make the count go up but reduce motility.
I was releived because when hubby did his first sample back in March we had not been told not to ...not produce for longer than 7 days before the sample and at the time it was probably closer to 10 days since we had last done anything (Due to having the longest period) we even had to to fib on the paperwork for them to accept the sample.
So I am hopeful that when the next sample is done right the motility will improve (It needs to be at least 50% and hubby's was 37% at the time)
BUT now I am also a bit worried the count will be reduced as it was so good.
The specialist wants the analysis done at the end of this month so there is time to get all the other test results together in time for our appointment next month I guess.
It would be amazing not to need that appointment, but after all this time I am really not holding my breath, just my laptop lol.
But as you can imagine it is hard not to get your hopes up when someone gives you that glimmer of hope no matter how hard you try.
Today is cd21 and despite taking the ovulation prediction tests since the day after my HSG (cd9) NOTHING, nadda, not a thing. Not even the faint line that has sometimes been there even before ovulation.
Apparently there is often a very faint line because there is ALWAYS a certain amount of the LH hormone that the test detects in your body, you just get the positive result when the test detects a surge in this hormone.
Although my cycles are irregular I do NORMALLY get a positive result by now so I did what I always do and googled about it, only to read countless reports on women having the same issue, not ovulating after the HSG done.
Maybe this should have made feel better, but it didn't, I think I was hoping to find this was impossible and that I was just ovulating late.
Oh and while googling I discovered various articles saying that these tests are misleading as they infact are picking up the hormone surge that happens AFTER ovulation and NO before, this is really worrying if it is true as so many of us TTCers (trying to conceive ers) rely in these tests to know when it is best to be doing the deed.
This month hubby and I had already decided to dtd every other day from cd12 onwards, so not easy when the joy that is endometriosis makes having sex that often really painful.
But apart from one day we are doing pretty well with it so far thank you lol.
The other problem with possibly ovulating late means my period will be due even later which means even more waiting and counting days.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist untill the end of next month (November), I have had all the tests he asked for now and we just need hubby to "Perform" another semen analysis at the end of this month as per specialists instructions.
He has been taking his "MAN tablets as I call them (They are Wellman conception tablets, vitamins really, but I think you need yo use a bit of humor sometimes or you will go mad)
Again I got onto my mate Google and researched what things could affect motility of sperm in a sample and was strangely releived to see that it said abstaining for too long would make the count go up but reduce motility.
I was releived because when hubby did his first sample back in March we had not been told not to ...not produce for longer than 7 days before the sample and at the time it was probably closer to 10 days since we had last done anything (Due to having the longest period) we even had to to fib on the paperwork for them to accept the sample.
So I am hopeful that when the next sample is done right the motility will improve (It needs to be at least 50% and hubby's was 37% at the time)
BUT now I am also a bit worried the count will be reduced as it was so good.
The specialist wants the analysis done at the end of this month so there is time to get all the other test results together in time for our appointment next month I guess.
It would be amazing not to need that appointment, but after all this time I am really not holding my breath, just my laptop lol.
Wednesday, 28 September 2011
My HSG story
I SURVIVED IT!!!
Bit overdramatic maybe? But I was absolutely petrified, I even took a sleeping tablet the night before to help me sleep (Funnily enough lol) but also because I thought it might take the edge off during the proceedure if I was a bit dopey (Yes even more dopey than usual)
So yesterday morning I took my 4 antibiotic tablets and 1 strong painkiller tablet as instructed by fertility specialist. My hubby was a star, he helped get the kids all organised for school, then after the older two had left for school we dropped the youngest off at a friends house, she has a child in our son's year and had offered to take him to school for us as the appointment was early.
Then we drove to the hospital, I was feeling really sick with nerves. We parked in the hospital car park, hubby normally parks ages up the road to avoid paying the car park charges, but bless him this time he wanted to park in the car park so I would not have so far to walk after the HSG.
We reported to the main Xray reception desk and were sent along to the Clinical radiology department to wait there.
For a while we were the only people there, then a Polish woman came to wait for the same test/treatment.
A nurse came and called my name, she showed me to a cubicle to get changed into the ever so sexy hospital robe, she said I could keep all my top clothing on but everything from the waist down had to go lol.
I then had to wait in that little cubicle with its little bench and mirror until they called my name from the other side of it.
That waiting felt like a lifetime! I stood there trying to calm myself down, I was looking at my reflection (Not good lol) telling myself it would be ok and reciting a Wiccan Goddess chant that somehpw gives me comfort.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's embrace.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's grace.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
Then the door was opened and this really young assistant woman appeared, I followed her into the xray room, I asked her straight away whether hubby could be with me during the treatment, she said no because of the exposure to radiation. Then I had to answer a load of questions, name, date of birth, what day I was in my cycle, how long we had been trying for a baby, what my periods were like.....
Then the clinical radiologist came in and she was a bit older, she asked some of the questions again and then tried to calm me donw by explaining the whole proceedure, she kept saying it would be like a long smear test (Which of course sounded GREAT lol)
I watched while they moved these massive tv screen and the xray machine over a very high table, then it was time to jump up there.
I laid on the hard table and she covered me with the blue sterile sheet, she came out with the line any woman who has ever had a smear test or an internal knows only too well "Legs up, feet together, knees apart"
She fiddled about for a bit and told me she was having some trouble with my cervix as aparently it is low but points up lol
So after a change around of the equipment (Which did hurt a bit) she started pressing down on my lower half, then I felt a lot pf pressure inside and some pain.
She then warned me she was going to do something that would feel a bit strange, which it did, it actually felt like she was working on one side/tube in particular.
The next minute she was removing everything and telling me repeatedly that I MUST try THIS month.
She even apologised for making me bleed, bless her.
She said this test was also very therapeutic and people often got pregnant straight after having it, even if they have been trying for ages (How not to get my hopes up hey?)
I asked her whether my tubes were clear and she said "They look it now, but I cannot tell you much as I am not a doctor, but you MUST try as soon as possible, don't wai till next month" Lol as if I would wait.
She also said if I am not pregnant by the next time we see the specialist he will more than likely put me on medication (Clomid etc) as he usually waits to make sure the tubes are clear as there's no point taking ovulation medication if there is nowhere for the egg to go.
Then it was over and I was back in the little cubicle getting back into jeans etc as quick as possible to get out there to hubby for a big cuddle.
I walked out and hubby beamed at me and I got that big cuddle.
He took me for a McDonalds brekkie and then we went home where I crashed out on the sofa with my head on his lap on and off for most of the day.
I did feel like rubbish most of the day and had lots of pain, in fact the pain has been worse following the proceedure than it was during it.
A day later and I am still having pain and feel very tired, I am also still bleeding a bit too.
It is day 9 in my cycle and I am going to start testing for ovulation, I wasn't going to bother this month, but am curious to see whether the HSG will affect when I ovulate.
As for...trying, we are of course going to start that again as soon as my body will allow lol.
Bit overdramatic maybe? But I was absolutely petrified, I even took a sleeping tablet the night before to help me sleep (Funnily enough lol) but also because I thought it might take the edge off during the proceedure if I was a bit dopey (Yes even more dopey than usual)
So yesterday morning I took my 4 antibiotic tablets and 1 strong painkiller tablet as instructed by fertility specialist. My hubby was a star, he helped get the kids all organised for school, then after the older two had left for school we dropped the youngest off at a friends house, she has a child in our son's year and had offered to take him to school for us as the appointment was early.
Then we drove to the hospital, I was feeling really sick with nerves. We parked in the hospital car park, hubby normally parks ages up the road to avoid paying the car park charges, but bless him this time he wanted to park in the car park so I would not have so far to walk after the HSG.
We reported to the main Xray reception desk and were sent along to the Clinical radiology department to wait there.
For a while we were the only people there, then a Polish woman came to wait for the same test/treatment.
A nurse came and called my name, she showed me to a cubicle to get changed into the ever so sexy hospital robe, she said I could keep all my top clothing on but everything from the waist down had to go lol.
I then had to wait in that little cubicle with its little bench and mirror until they called my name from the other side of it.
That waiting felt like a lifetime! I stood there trying to calm myself down, I was looking at my reflection (Not good lol) telling myself it would be ok and reciting a Wiccan Goddess chant that somehpw gives me comfort.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's embrace.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's grace.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
Then the door was opened and this really young assistant woman appeared, I followed her into the xray room, I asked her straight away whether hubby could be with me during the treatment, she said no because of the exposure to radiation. Then I had to answer a load of questions, name, date of birth, what day I was in my cycle, how long we had been trying for a baby, what my periods were like.....
Then the clinical radiologist came in and she was a bit older, she asked some of the questions again and then tried to calm me donw by explaining the whole proceedure, she kept saying it would be like a long smear test (Which of course sounded GREAT lol)
I watched while they moved these massive tv screen and the xray machine over a very high table, then it was time to jump up there.
I laid on the hard table and she covered me with the blue sterile sheet, she came out with the line any woman who has ever had a smear test or an internal knows only too well "Legs up, feet together, knees apart"
She fiddled about for a bit and told me she was having some trouble with my cervix as aparently it is low but points up lol
So after a change around of the equipment (Which did hurt a bit) she started pressing down on my lower half, then I felt a lot pf pressure inside and some pain.
She then warned me she was going to do something that would feel a bit strange, which it did, it actually felt like she was working on one side/tube in particular.
The next minute she was removing everything and telling me repeatedly that I MUST try THIS month.
She even apologised for making me bleed, bless her.
She said this test was also very therapeutic and people often got pregnant straight after having it, even if they have been trying for ages (How not to get my hopes up hey?)
I asked her whether my tubes were clear and she said "They look it now, but I cannot tell you much as I am not a doctor, but you MUST try as soon as possible, don't wai till next month" Lol as if I would wait.
She also said if I am not pregnant by the next time we see the specialist he will more than likely put me on medication (Clomid etc) as he usually waits to make sure the tubes are clear as there's no point taking ovulation medication if there is nowhere for the egg to go.
Then it was over and I was back in the little cubicle getting back into jeans etc as quick as possible to get out there to hubby for a big cuddle.
I walked out and hubby beamed at me and I got that big cuddle.
He took me for a McDonalds brekkie and then we went home where I crashed out on the sofa with my head on his lap on and off for most of the day.
I did feel like rubbish most of the day and had lots of pain, in fact the pain has been worse following the proceedure than it was during it.
A day later and I am still having pain and feel very tired, I am also still bleeding a bit too.
It is day 9 in my cycle and I am going to start testing for ovulation, I wasn't going to bother this month, but am curious to see whether the HSG will affect when I ovulate.
As for...trying, we are of course going to start that again as soon as my body will allow lol.
Monday, 26 September 2011
Nerves getting the better of me
So tomorrow morning I have my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) and I am really starting to panic, I actually feel sick with nerves.
My appointment is at 9am and hubby bless him has taken a days holiday so he can come with me and look after me the rest of the day as apparently you can get cramping etc for a day or so.
I have to take 4 antibiotic tablets 2 hours before and also some Ibuprofen about an hour before.
I am not sure how long the actual proceedure takes, probably depends how calm and still I can manage to stay.
I have been doing my usual and googling and torturing myself, but with this sort of thing you really can't win, not knowing what the test involves is just as scary as knowing exactly what I am going to have to face.
I have tried to keep myself busy and calm today, doing various exciting things like hoovering and washing, I even managed to fit in having a bath.
Shortly I have to collect my youngest son after his Spanish club and the other 2 will be home too so that should keep me busy.
We are dropping the youngest off at his friends house near his school in the morning (Bless her for thinking of offering) and she will walk him to school for us so we can get to the hospital in time.
I am trying not to expect anything from the proceedure,telling myself that hopefully because I have already given birth that it should not hurt me.
I am also desperately trying not to get my hopes up about the increased chances of conceiving I have read this proceedure is meant to give you for the few months afterwards as I am so sick of the gutwrenching disappointments.
So take a deep breath...
My appointment is at 9am and hubby bless him has taken a days holiday so he can come with me and look after me the rest of the day as apparently you can get cramping etc for a day or so.
I have to take 4 antibiotic tablets 2 hours before and also some Ibuprofen about an hour before.
I am not sure how long the actual proceedure takes, probably depends how calm and still I can manage to stay.
I have been doing my usual and googling and torturing myself, but with this sort of thing you really can't win, not knowing what the test involves is just as scary as knowing exactly what I am going to have to face.
I have tried to keep myself busy and calm today, doing various exciting things like hoovering and washing, I even managed to fit in having a bath.
Shortly I have to collect my youngest son after his Spanish club and the other 2 will be home too so that should keep me busy.
We are dropping the youngest off at his friends house near his school in the morning (Bless her for thinking of offering) and she will walk him to school for us so we can get to the hospital in time.
I am trying not to expect anything from the proceedure,telling myself that hopefully because I have already given birth that it should not hurt me.
I am also desperately trying not to get my hopes up about the increased chances of conceiving I have read this proceedure is meant to give you for the few months afterwards as I am so sick of the gutwrenching disappointments.
So take a deep breath...
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Struggling this month
I have realised I am jut not strong enough to pretend I am "Fine" with failing to get pregant aain this month, every other month I have had my bad day and then just popped on a smile and told everyone it is onwards and upwards to the next month of trying.
But this month is different, it is because this month was meant to be OUR month, all the stress I had hoped might be causing the problem was over with and then there were all those new symptoms that were so strong even hubby could not stop saying he thought we had cracked it.
My boobs were not just a little uncomfortable as they get around that time of the month, no, this month they were agony and were masssive, especially around the sides.
Then there was the change to my mood, usually around the dreaded period time I get irritable and angry, but this month was totally different, I could not watch programmes I had seen a million times without bursting into tears (this is still the case)
I took sooooooo many pregnancy tests desperate to see that second line and praying it was just a matter of hours or days before I would see it and then the heartbreaking sight of red spots started, I still wanted to believe it was nothing and that the second line would come on one of those hundreds of tests I was taking, but sure enough the spotting just got really heavy, really quick and I had to yet again admit defeat and start counting my cycle from day 1 yet again.
It also meant I had to get on the phone to the hospital again to see whether they could book me in for the test I had so hoped I was not going to need; the HSG xray.
The lady on the phone could not have been more different to the rude, insensitive and totally unhelpful woman I had had to deal with last month.
This lady instantly said I am sorry to hear you need to have this test and asked how long my period normally lasts as they are not able to perform it while still bleeding, I half laughed as I am not consistant in any way with any aspect of my cycles any more, but told her it can be around 7 days, she asked whether I thought 8 days might be long enough, I said I hope so and she gave me an appointment for next Tuesday at 9am, she asked whether there was anyone who could stay with me after the proceedure, which luckily is the case as hubby is hopefully going to book the day off and be with me.
I am unbelievably nervous about it as I know it can be painful and also because there is always the chance it might tell me there is a problem with my tubes or womb etc.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist again untill the end of November (A LIFETIME away) so not sure how much we are likely to be told on the day of the proceedure.
Another thing I am really struggling to deal with this month is the insensitive people I seem to be having to face this week, now I know I am bound to be a little sensitive, but these people seem to think that just because I am not standing there in floods of tears, or not collapsed in a heap, that I am fine and ok with everything.
I have had to deal with a very pregnant neighbour telling me how all she needs to do is look at her other half and she is pregnant, that none of her kids were planned and that "It must be sooo annoying for people like you who are not able to get pregnant anymore to see people like me who do it without even thinking about it!"
I could not deal with it and just left but she said it as if it was fine and did not have a clue how it felt to listen to.
Then the same day I met up with some of the playground mums I know and (One of them also struggled to get pregnant after having children and does understand) but I was quite upset by another couple of them. I mentioned that hubby's boss has said he might need him to go away for work for a few days in the new year, I was not even talking about the trying for a baby thing, but one of them turned around and said "Ooooh that will mess up your little plans then, at this rate you are never going to get pregant are you?" I even pointed out that this was months away but she just said "Well you are obviously not going to be pregnant by then anyway are you"
Not wanting a row or for anyone to see me cry (Getting harder to avaoid right now) I used the excuse of my son being grumpy (which he was) and went home.
I just feel like shutting myself away, it does not help that this period is being a particularly bad one either.
Sorry if my blogs are getting a bit depressing
But this month is different, it is because this month was meant to be OUR month, all the stress I had hoped might be causing the problem was over with and then there were all those new symptoms that were so strong even hubby could not stop saying he thought we had cracked it.
My boobs were not just a little uncomfortable as they get around that time of the month, no, this month they were agony and were masssive, especially around the sides.
Then there was the change to my mood, usually around the dreaded period time I get irritable and angry, but this month was totally different, I could not watch programmes I had seen a million times without bursting into tears (this is still the case)
I took sooooooo many pregnancy tests desperate to see that second line and praying it was just a matter of hours or days before I would see it and then the heartbreaking sight of red spots started, I still wanted to believe it was nothing and that the second line would come on one of those hundreds of tests I was taking, but sure enough the spotting just got really heavy, really quick and I had to yet again admit defeat and start counting my cycle from day 1 yet again.
It also meant I had to get on the phone to the hospital again to see whether they could book me in for the test I had so hoped I was not going to need; the HSG xray.
The lady on the phone could not have been more different to the rude, insensitive and totally unhelpful woman I had had to deal with last month.
This lady instantly said I am sorry to hear you need to have this test and asked how long my period normally lasts as they are not able to perform it while still bleeding, I half laughed as I am not consistant in any way with any aspect of my cycles any more, but told her it can be around 7 days, she asked whether I thought 8 days might be long enough, I said I hope so and she gave me an appointment for next Tuesday at 9am, she asked whether there was anyone who could stay with me after the proceedure, which luckily is the case as hubby is hopefully going to book the day off and be with me.
I am unbelievably nervous about it as I know it can be painful and also because there is always the chance it might tell me there is a problem with my tubes or womb etc.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist again untill the end of November (A LIFETIME away) so not sure how much we are likely to be told on the day of the proceedure.
Another thing I am really struggling to deal with this month is the insensitive people I seem to be having to face this week, now I know I am bound to be a little sensitive, but these people seem to think that just because I am not standing there in floods of tears, or not collapsed in a heap, that I am fine and ok with everything.
I have had to deal with a very pregnant neighbour telling me how all she needs to do is look at her other half and she is pregnant, that none of her kids were planned and that "It must be sooo annoying for people like you who are not able to get pregnant anymore to see people like me who do it without even thinking about it!"
I could not deal with it and just left but she said it as if it was fine and did not have a clue how it felt to listen to.
Then the same day I met up with some of the playground mums I know and (One of them also struggled to get pregnant after having children and does understand) but I was quite upset by another couple of them. I mentioned that hubby's boss has said he might need him to go away for work for a few days in the new year, I was not even talking about the trying for a baby thing, but one of them turned around and said "Ooooh that will mess up your little plans then, at this rate you are never going to get pregant are you?" I even pointed out that this was months away but she just said "Well you are obviously not going to be pregnant by then anyway are you"
Not wanting a row or for anyone to see me cry (Getting harder to avaoid right now) I used the excuse of my son being grumpy (which he was) and went home.
I just feel like shutting myself away, it does not help that this period is being a particularly bad one either.
Sorry if my blogs are getting a bit depressing
Monday, 19 September 2011
I HATE THIS!!!!
Sorry, I need to start by warning you this is a total venting blog as I have to let all this out before I crumble completely.
Today is day 33 in my cycle and according to the ovulation predicton tests I used it is also about 14 days past ovulation.
For the last week hubby and I have been becoming more and more convinced we might actually have cracked it this month and in fact I have been taking pregnancy tests DAILY (often more than one) for the last 8 days.
We have been this convinced because I have had symptoms I have NOT had the entire time we have been trying for this baby.
My boobs have been very painful which is not normal for me, even time of the month I just get discomfort for a day or so, but they have been hurting for 8 days, they have also definitely got bigger.
Also I have been so tearful, normally time of the month I am short tempered, but this tearful thing is different, I have been bursting into tears watching silly things on tv that I have seen a million times before.
But all the tests have been coming up as negative as they can possibly be.
Then this morning there was pale pink spotting inside which was devastating.
Hubby will not be home from work for another 7 and a half hours, I am not telling him about the spotting until he comes home, because as he works so far from home I know he hates knowing I am so upset when he is so far away and cannot do anything about it, bless him.
It is so much worse this month for it to be looking like yet another failure, because this month IS soooo different and because for the first time I can see hubby actually wants this baby too.
Yesterday we went out looking at bigger cars and he was even talking about where a baby seat would go.
Hubby really thought this month would be the one because all the stresses I have had this year were finally over.
So now if this really is not our month yet again, I will be back to hoping the hospital will be able to finally do the scary HSG xray on my tubes that they let me down with last month.
I have to let them know as soon as I definitely start my period as the test has to be performed within the first 10 days of my cycle, but also cannot be performed while there is any bleeding, as my periods can go on for as long as 6 to 10 days I am also worried about this.
We are due to see out fertility specialist again at the end of November and he obviously wants all the tests he ordered done by then, we only have the HSG and a repeat sperm analysis to get done.
He wants hubby to take Wellman conception vitamins for 2 months before repeating the analysis as he wants to see whether it improves the motility at all, he had started taking them again but after a mystery illness had had to stop taking them for a while so is back on them, makes it hard to know how long he has taken them for.
I have three beautiful boys and I KNOW I am sooooo lucky to even have them, but I feel utterly useless and damaged for not being able to conceive any more, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????
Today is day 33 in my cycle and according to the ovulation predicton tests I used it is also about 14 days past ovulation.
For the last week hubby and I have been becoming more and more convinced we might actually have cracked it this month and in fact I have been taking pregnancy tests DAILY (often more than one) for the last 8 days.
We have been this convinced because I have had symptoms I have NOT had the entire time we have been trying for this baby.
My boobs have been very painful which is not normal for me, even time of the month I just get discomfort for a day or so, but they have been hurting for 8 days, they have also definitely got bigger.
Also I have been so tearful, normally time of the month I am short tempered, but this tearful thing is different, I have been bursting into tears watching silly things on tv that I have seen a million times before.
But all the tests have been coming up as negative as they can possibly be.
Then this morning there was pale pink spotting inside which was devastating.
Hubby will not be home from work for another 7 and a half hours, I am not telling him about the spotting until he comes home, because as he works so far from home I know he hates knowing I am so upset when he is so far away and cannot do anything about it, bless him.
It is so much worse this month for it to be looking like yet another failure, because this month IS soooo different and because for the first time I can see hubby actually wants this baby too.
Yesterday we went out looking at bigger cars and he was even talking about where a baby seat would go.
Hubby really thought this month would be the one because all the stresses I have had this year were finally over.
So now if this really is not our month yet again, I will be back to hoping the hospital will be able to finally do the scary HSG xray on my tubes that they let me down with last month.
I have to let them know as soon as I definitely start my period as the test has to be performed within the first 10 days of my cycle, but also cannot be performed while there is any bleeding, as my periods can go on for as long as 6 to 10 days I am also worried about this.
We are due to see out fertility specialist again at the end of November and he obviously wants all the tests he ordered done by then, we only have the HSG and a repeat sperm analysis to get done.
He wants hubby to take Wellman conception vitamins for 2 months before repeating the analysis as he wants to see whether it improves the motility at all, he had started taking them again but after a mystery illness had had to stop taking them for a while so is back on them, makes it hard to know how long he has taken them for.
I have three beautiful boys and I KNOW I am sooooo lucky to even have them, but I feel utterly useless and damaged for not being able to conceive any more, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????
Thursday, 8 September 2011
A new term begins!!!
Here we are, September again and the start of another school year. It is a bit different though this year, firstly because my eldest son kicked arse in his GCSEs and is now begining his A Levels!!!
He beat all expectations and predictions and gained an A in Sociology and 5 Cs in Maths, English Language, Science (which he also got a BTEC C in) Food Technology and History
As soon as he opened that envelope he announced he wanted to do A Levels and not the BTEC at college.
So today he begins his Sociology, Health and Socialcare and Media studies courses.
My middle son is starting his GCSE courses and my youngest is in his second to last year of primary school.
Also this is the first time in 3 years I am not not starting the school term at work, as I gave it up for many reasons including supporting my son through the stress of his GCSEs.
So what other news do I have???....
Ha, fooled you, nooooo I am still not pregnant
But we are of course still trying and hubby is still convinced it will happen for us, even after all this time.
Hubby finally told his very surprised family that we are trying, we were on holiday with all his family!!! (Possibly did not help with my stress levels lol along with the fact hubby was ill again and we ended up rushing to see the private doctor on our FIRST morning as his throat was closing up - soooo scary again)
Towards the end of the holiday I was getting a bit upset as father in law kept commenting that I was broody everytime I looked at, held or spoke to a baby and hubby said nothing, then one night he suddenly told his mum who seemed happy at the idea, but of course assumed we are trying for a girl and told me how happy hubby would be to have a little girl.
So now we are home again and playing the trying and waiting game, today is day 22 in my cycle, we got home from holiday on Sunday and on Monday I took a digital ovulation test and got a positive, the next day it was negative (I normally get 2/3 days of positive results) so although we did the deed as they say, lol on Sunday night (God knows where we got that energy from), Monday morning, Monday night and even Tuesday night.
I cannot understand where we are going wrong as we have tried religiously whenever that smiley face or line have shown us the green light on those ovulation prediction kits, but maybe the key is to carry on for a few more days AFTER those precious positives????
More and more of my lovely cyber friends on the trying to conceive forum I post on are falling pregnant and pretty soon I will be the last one still trying.
Oh well, got to keep beleiving I guess, but that is getting sooooo much harder to keep doing.
He beat all expectations and predictions and gained an A in Sociology and 5 Cs in Maths, English Language, Science (which he also got a BTEC C in) Food Technology and History
As soon as he opened that envelope he announced he wanted to do A Levels and not the BTEC at college.
So today he begins his Sociology, Health and Socialcare and Media studies courses.
My middle son is starting his GCSE courses and my youngest is in his second to last year of primary school.
Also this is the first time in 3 years I am not not starting the school term at work, as I gave it up for many reasons including supporting my son through the stress of his GCSEs.
So what other news do I have???....
Ha, fooled you, nooooo I am still not pregnant
But we are of course still trying and hubby is still convinced it will happen for us, even after all this time.
Hubby finally told his very surprised family that we are trying, we were on holiday with all his family!!! (Possibly did not help with my stress levels lol along with the fact hubby was ill again and we ended up rushing to see the private doctor on our FIRST morning as his throat was closing up - soooo scary again)
Towards the end of the holiday I was getting a bit upset as father in law kept commenting that I was broody everytime I looked at, held or spoke to a baby and hubby said nothing, then one night he suddenly told his mum who seemed happy at the idea, but of course assumed we are trying for a girl and told me how happy hubby would be to have a little girl.
So now we are home again and playing the trying and waiting game, today is day 22 in my cycle, we got home from holiday on Sunday and on Monday I took a digital ovulation test and got a positive, the next day it was negative (I normally get 2/3 days of positive results) so although we did the deed as they say, lol on Sunday night (God knows where we got that energy from), Monday morning, Monday night and even Tuesday night.
I cannot understand where we are going wrong as we have tried religiously whenever that smiley face or line have shown us the green light on those ovulation prediction kits, but maybe the key is to carry on for a few more days AFTER those precious positives????
More and more of my lovely cyber friends on the trying to conceive forum I post on are falling pregnant and pretty soon I will be the last one still trying.
Oh well, got to keep beleiving I guess, but that is getting sooooo much harder to keep doing.
Wednesday, 24 August 2011
And so it begins...
All the tests and investigations have started. After having my day 2 hormones blood test last week, this week it was time for my oh so lovely internal ultrasound scan to check my ovaries for cysts and my uterus for fibroids and other nasties.
I was soooo nervous about it, silly really after having 3 kids and countless nasty, undignified smear tests.
I sat in the seriously packed ultrasound waiting room trying not to get myself any more worked up, dread to think what I will be like when ot comes to the big dye xray!!!
I was so all over the place it wasn't until I got home that I even realised the rude woman from the xray department last week was actually working on the reception of the ultrasound department!!!
Anyway, when my name was called I followed a very nice nurse into the changing booth, I must have looked scared because she put her hand on my shoulder and said "It really won't be that bad"
So dressed in my oh so sexy hospital gown I shuffled into the scan room and came face to face with one of the mums from my son's old primary school!!!
Lol she was lovely and said I could have someone else do the scan, but I just thought "Sod it, if I have to wait again I will be a total wreck!" so I said it was fine and in fact it was better as she was really chatty with me and with that and the fact it was so funny and surreal having an internal scan done by someone I knew it did take my mind off what was happening.
So much so I almost forgot to ask whether everything looked ok!
She said the ovaries looked normal and had no cysts and that the uterus did not have anything it shouldn't have in it (Unfortunately still doesn't have what it SHOULD have in it either though)
She asked whether they have checked hormones and told me a bit about the scary HSG xray and that was that!
I guess it is a good thing, well of course it is a good thing they did not find any cysts etc, but I can't help feeling a bit lost as I am still left without an answer to why this is not working anymore.
I just really want to get my last and most dreaded test over with so I can find out what our next step is, if there is one.
I got what I think was meant to be a reply from the patient liason people, it just went on about how sometimes when consultants are away there is no one to cover for them and how ill patients get prioritised over these tests????
Apart from not making any real sense, they also managed to ignore/not read the part where I told them how rude and unhelpful their receptionist was to me.
I just hope next month is different
I was soooo nervous about it, silly really after having 3 kids and countless nasty, undignified smear tests.
I sat in the seriously packed ultrasound waiting room trying not to get myself any more worked up, dread to think what I will be like when ot comes to the big dye xray!!!
I was so all over the place it wasn't until I got home that I even realised the rude woman from the xray department last week was actually working on the reception of the ultrasound department!!!
Anyway, when my name was called I followed a very nice nurse into the changing booth, I must have looked scared because she put her hand on my shoulder and said "It really won't be that bad"
So dressed in my oh so sexy hospital gown I shuffled into the scan room and came face to face with one of the mums from my son's old primary school!!!
Lol she was lovely and said I could have someone else do the scan, but I just thought "Sod it, if I have to wait again I will be a total wreck!" so I said it was fine and in fact it was better as she was really chatty with me and with that and the fact it was so funny and surreal having an internal scan done by someone I knew it did take my mind off what was happening.
So much so I almost forgot to ask whether everything looked ok!
She said the ovaries looked normal and had no cysts and that the uterus did not have anything it shouldn't have in it (Unfortunately still doesn't have what it SHOULD have in it either though)
She asked whether they have checked hormones and told me a bit about the scary HSG xray and that was that!
I guess it is a good thing, well of course it is a good thing they did not find any cysts etc, but I can't help feeling a bit lost as I am still left without an answer to why this is not working anymore.
I just really want to get my last and most dreaded test over with so I can find out what our next step is, if there is one.
I got what I think was meant to be a reply from the patient liason people, it just went on about how sometimes when consultants are away there is no one to cover for them and how ill patients get prioritised over these tests????
Apart from not making any real sense, they also managed to ignore/not read the part where I told them how rude and unhelpful their receptionist was to me.
I just hope next month is different
Friday, 19 August 2011
Two blogs in one week?????????/
Well this has to be a first for me, blogging twice in the same week! But after this morning I just had to get this off my chest and basically you (Whoever MIGHT be reading this, as I have never had any comments I might even be writing to no body lol)
It probably goes without saying but ...I have failed yet again to get pregnant, period number 9 (Or number 21 if you include the whole of 2008's failed attempt) started yesterday and is in full painful force today.
I tried to take positive proactive action instead of just curling up and crying like I am inside, so I took myself off to the hospital for my repeated day2 hormone blood test (They are testing my FSH level to see whether I am near menopause and testing my LH level to see whether I am ovulating)
I had this done and then went off to the xray department to inform them I have started another cycle as they requested so they could book me in for the Hysterosalpingogram xray as it has to be done within the first 10 days of the cycle.
So I popped up at the reception desk and explained why I was there, the...lady said I could not have the test done "Here and now", I explained I understood this because I knew I had to take the antibiotics and painkillers an hour before and said I had only come instead of phoning as I was at the hospital for the blood test anyway.
That was when this woman showed exactly how kind, professional and sensitive she was, she said "Can I finish? you cannot have the test AT ALL this month as the consultant who does them is away so I am telling everyone they will have to TRY again NEXT MONTH!"
I was stunned and gutted and said I could not believe there was only ONE person in the whole hospital (Which is not some little country hospital, but instead a large general one) and I would be in touch.
I went home with my oldest and youngest sons who were with me, got angry and then got on my trusty lap top and emailed PALS (Patient liason) to get them to explain the obsurd situation and to tell them how rude their front line staff were. I am waiting to hear back...
It probably goes without saying but ...I have failed yet again to get pregnant, period number 9 (Or number 21 if you include the whole of 2008's failed attempt) started yesterday and is in full painful force today.
I tried to take positive proactive action instead of just curling up and crying like I am inside, so I took myself off to the hospital for my repeated day2 hormone blood test (They are testing my FSH level to see whether I am near menopause and testing my LH level to see whether I am ovulating)
I had this done and then went off to the xray department to inform them I have started another cycle as they requested so they could book me in for the Hysterosalpingogram xray as it has to be done within the first 10 days of the cycle.
So I popped up at the reception desk and explained why I was there, the...lady said I could not have the test done "Here and now", I explained I understood this because I knew I had to take the antibiotics and painkillers an hour before and said I had only come instead of phoning as I was at the hospital for the blood test anyway.
That was when this woman showed exactly how kind, professional and sensitive she was, she said "Can I finish? you cannot have the test AT ALL this month as the consultant who does them is away so I am telling everyone they will have to TRY again NEXT MONTH!"
I was stunned and gutted and said I could not believe there was only ONE person in the whole hospital (Which is not some little country hospital, but instead a large general one) and I would be in touch.
I went home with my oldest and youngest sons who were with me, got angry and then got on my trusty lap top and emailed PALS (Patient liason) to get them to explain the obsurd situation and to tell them how rude their front line staff were. I am waiting to hear back...
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Don't know what to think this month.
Hope everyone out there is managing to enjoy the Summer holidays.
Mine have been pretty stressful so far, with hospital visits, kids birthdays, homework and a poorly hubby.
Yesterday was my youngest son's 9th birthday, not easy to keep him (or his brothers) entertained when I am on my own, hubby works long hours and travels pretty far to get to work.
I ended up getting a couple of my son's friends to meet us in the park, the plan was meant to be a birthday picnic/party but basically turned out to be me bringing cakes & cookies for everyone and that was it.
Oh well at least my son did not seem to notice and seemed to have fun.
We went out for pizza when hubby got home and came home for birthday cake so all were happy oh and he loved his presents so seemed to be a good day overall for him.
It was even more of a shame hubby was at work because having carried on going to work all last week despite really not being well with a weird rash that seemed to move around his body, swollen hands and night sweats.
I was then woken before 6am on Saturday morning by hubby in a bit of a panic as his lips were severely swollen and hurting him, as were his hands and feet, so we had no choice but to rush off to A & E.
As our 2 other boys are older we were able to leave them in charge of the younger one for short space of time.
We arrived to a very busy A & E which was mainly busy to to the 3 young men being treated while being escorted by 3 policce officers each!
When we did get seen by a doctor they became very concerned about hubby's swellings (lol sorry not sure how else to phrase it) their main concern was the possibility of his throat swelling up too and affecting breathing as he was complaining of a bit of a sore throat.
Obviously one thought was it was some sort of severe allergic reaction, but that was ruled out as it would have shown sooner and because we had not had anything different food wise or anything.
As we knew we were going to be there a long time I phoned hubby's parents as he thought they might be able to have the kids stay at their house overnight to make things easier whether hubby had to stay in or not.
In laws were able to come over, they took the kids home with them as father in law wanted to get home as he had work he wanted to finish.
I kept updating the inlaws by text as I did not want to leave hubby for long as we had no idea what was wrong.
When I did phone in laws back they said they would need to bring the kids back in the afternoon as they had made arangements to go out for dinner, so I then had to phone my parents to see whether they were able to sit with the kids at our house from 4pm (the latest inlaws could be with them till)
Luckily my parents were able to do so or I would have had to leave a very stressed out hubby alone at the hospital.
So hubby had various tests including 2 ECGs as they were a bit concerned after the first, a chest x ray looking for infection, countless blood tests which showed nothing apart from something being slightly raised which they thought might indicate some infection somewhere but they were unable to see where. He was given an intravenous dose of antibiotics just incase as well as steroids, fluids and Piriton.
We were kept on the emergency observation ward where hubby was seen by more doctors and nurses who referred to him as "Our mystery man"
His swollen lips kept getting better then getting worse again and the weird red patches were still moving around his body.
In the end we were sent home with 5 days worth of steroids, 7 days of hydrocortisone tablets and told to wait for the results of the blood cultures they took to see whether they could find any infection or bug in hubby's blood (Of course we have not heard anything) we got home 11 hours after we had arrived at hospital.
Hubby spent pretty much the whole of Sunday asleep in bed so that was our weekend.
I managed to convince him not to rush straight back to work first thing Monday, I understand he worries as he does NOT get paid ANY sick pay (Yes even if he is ill enough to be hospitalised!) but it does not seem to get through to him that carrying on going to work when ill till he gets to the point of needing to go to hospital for emergency treatment is worse!
(This is the 3rd time this has happened by the way)
So he went back to work yesterday, much to our youngest's disappointment.
He came home totally exhausted bless him. We are just hoping he does not get worse again after his tablets finish this weekend as we still are none the wiser as to what it is.
Anyway onto the baby making mission, today is day 31 in my cycle.
I have received an appointment for my first test, this is the internal ultrasound scan which I will be having in 6 days time.
This month I have not used any ovulation prediction tests at all, I had run out and was so disappointed last month I basically thought sod it as they were not helping me and had just got my hopes up yet again.
So this month I just tried to judge it myself and try to relax a bit.
It is hard, if not impossible to say when my period is actually due as I am now completely irregular, but the fertility calendars I have been using are going by average and saying it is around next week so about 5 days time VERY roughly!
But this morning I woke up with aches and pains and spotting when I check myself so I am not getting my hopes up (Not that there is any point doing that anymore anyway)
TRYING to think positively, IF I am starting another cycle it does mean I can get my blood test and scary xray done before we go on holiday as if I don't start until we are away it would mean having to wait yet another whole month/cycle before I can have them done as they need to be done at certain points in my cycle.
So .............
Mine have been pretty stressful so far, with hospital visits, kids birthdays, homework and a poorly hubby.
Yesterday was my youngest son's 9th birthday, not easy to keep him (or his brothers) entertained when I am on my own, hubby works long hours and travels pretty far to get to work.
I ended up getting a couple of my son's friends to meet us in the park, the plan was meant to be a birthday picnic/party but basically turned out to be me bringing cakes & cookies for everyone and that was it.
Oh well at least my son did not seem to notice and seemed to have fun.
We went out for pizza when hubby got home and came home for birthday cake so all were happy oh and he loved his presents so seemed to be a good day overall for him.
It was even more of a shame hubby was at work because having carried on going to work all last week despite really not being well with a weird rash that seemed to move around his body, swollen hands and night sweats.
I was then woken before 6am on Saturday morning by hubby in a bit of a panic as his lips were severely swollen and hurting him, as were his hands and feet, so we had no choice but to rush off to A & E.
As our 2 other boys are older we were able to leave them in charge of the younger one for short space of time.
We arrived to a very busy A & E which was mainly busy to to the 3 young men being treated while being escorted by 3 policce officers each!
When we did get seen by a doctor they became very concerned about hubby's swellings (lol sorry not sure how else to phrase it) their main concern was the possibility of his throat swelling up too and affecting breathing as he was complaining of a bit of a sore throat.
Obviously one thought was it was some sort of severe allergic reaction, but that was ruled out as it would have shown sooner and because we had not had anything different food wise or anything.
As we knew we were going to be there a long time I phoned hubby's parents as he thought they might be able to have the kids stay at their house overnight to make things easier whether hubby had to stay in or not.
In laws were able to come over, they took the kids home with them as father in law wanted to get home as he had work he wanted to finish.
I kept updating the inlaws by text as I did not want to leave hubby for long as we had no idea what was wrong.
When I did phone in laws back they said they would need to bring the kids back in the afternoon as they had made arangements to go out for dinner, so I then had to phone my parents to see whether they were able to sit with the kids at our house from 4pm (the latest inlaws could be with them till)
Luckily my parents were able to do so or I would have had to leave a very stressed out hubby alone at the hospital.
So hubby had various tests including 2 ECGs as they were a bit concerned after the first, a chest x ray looking for infection, countless blood tests which showed nothing apart from something being slightly raised which they thought might indicate some infection somewhere but they were unable to see where. He was given an intravenous dose of antibiotics just incase as well as steroids, fluids and Piriton.
We were kept on the emergency observation ward where hubby was seen by more doctors and nurses who referred to him as "Our mystery man"
His swollen lips kept getting better then getting worse again and the weird red patches were still moving around his body.
In the end we were sent home with 5 days worth of steroids, 7 days of hydrocortisone tablets and told to wait for the results of the blood cultures they took to see whether they could find any infection or bug in hubby's blood (Of course we have not heard anything) we got home 11 hours after we had arrived at hospital.
Hubby spent pretty much the whole of Sunday asleep in bed so that was our weekend.
I managed to convince him not to rush straight back to work first thing Monday, I understand he worries as he does NOT get paid ANY sick pay (Yes even if he is ill enough to be hospitalised!) but it does not seem to get through to him that carrying on going to work when ill till he gets to the point of needing to go to hospital for emergency treatment is worse!
(This is the 3rd time this has happened by the way)
So he went back to work yesterday, much to our youngest's disappointment.
He came home totally exhausted bless him. We are just hoping he does not get worse again after his tablets finish this weekend as we still are none the wiser as to what it is.
Anyway onto the baby making mission, today is day 31 in my cycle.
I have received an appointment for my first test, this is the internal ultrasound scan which I will be having in 6 days time.
This month I have not used any ovulation prediction tests at all, I had run out and was so disappointed last month I basically thought sod it as they were not helping me and had just got my hopes up yet again.
So this month I just tried to judge it myself and try to relax a bit.
It is hard, if not impossible to say when my period is actually due as I am now completely irregular, but the fertility calendars I have been using are going by average and saying it is around next week so about 5 days time VERY roughly!
But this morning I woke up with aches and pains and spotting when I check myself so I am not getting my hopes up (Not that there is any point doing that anymore anyway)
TRYING to think positively, IF I am starting another cycle it does mean I can get my blood test and scary xray done before we go on holiday as if I don't start until we are away it would mean having to wait yet another whole month/cycle before I can have them done as they need to be done at certain points in my cycle.
So .............
Monday, 8 August 2011
Today's the Day
August 8th is finally here, in a couple of hours hubby and I are going to see the fertility specialist at the hospital. I cannot believe how nervous/worried I am feeling about it all. I just can't seem to relax, although it probably does not help that hubby's idea of support is to spend the last hour and a half on the laptop and phone messing about sorting things out that apparently cannot possibly wait despite the fact he is only off work because of OUR appointment. So now I am sat here trying to stay calm about the appointment as well as trying not to get annoyed /upset with hubby.
And by the magic of draft saving....
It is now later the same day and we have had the appointment.
The specialist was a really nice man, he had a student/junior doctor sitting in for the first few minutes of the appointment (Untill she was paged and had to leave)
He asked loads of questions about previous pregnancies and what my cycles are like, he also asked hubby about his health and gave the usual advice about not sitting in hot baths, wearing loose cotton underwear etc.
He said the results of the blood test I had at the doctors were ok but that among other tests he wanted to do a proper set of day 3 hormone tests.
Then he talked about hubby's semen analysis he had done in April, he said he was happy with the count but wanted to see whether the motility could be improved and so wants hubby to take Wellman vitamins for two months and will then repeat the semen analysis.
He has already referred me for a pelvic ultrasound scan to check my womb and ovaries and then said he also wants me to have a scary sounding special xray called a hysterosalpingogram where they apparently do an internal (always a lovely experience...NOT) then fit a cathater and pass dye up into the tubes while they xray to see whether they can see any blockages, according to the leaflet they gave me you have to move around on the xray table to make the dye go in all the right parts.
On the same day before the proceedure is even started I have to take painkillers and 4, yes 4!!! antibiotics to prevent risk of infection.
This all needs to be done early in my next cycle so I have to wait till that starts and phone the department who will then book me in.
The specialist wants to see us again in three months time when he hopes to have all the results and will then be considering prescribing Clomid to help with ovulation.
Now it all sounds positive and proactive but since when do things ever run that smoothly for me?
My next cycle is due to start around the time we are going to be going abroad for a massive family holiday, now hpw typical is THAT?
So now I am left hoping for one of two things to happen, either for this month to be a nice short cycle (Unlikely) so I start new cycle early enough to get the tests all done BEFORE we have to go away OR of course for this to be THE month and not get a period at all and be pregnant at last!!
Well on a completely different subject, I could not possibly end this post without sending love to the amazing musical icon that is Amy Winehouse, I have been a massive fan for years and am still gutted she was taken from us at the age of only 27 (Like so many other greats) on July 23rd (The day of our 10th wedding anniversary party)
Always loved, always remembered.
And by the magic of draft saving....
It is now later the same day and we have had the appointment.
The specialist was a really nice man, he had a student/junior doctor sitting in for the first few minutes of the appointment (Untill she was paged and had to leave)
He asked loads of questions about previous pregnancies and what my cycles are like, he also asked hubby about his health and gave the usual advice about not sitting in hot baths, wearing loose cotton underwear etc.
He said the results of the blood test I had at the doctors were ok but that among other tests he wanted to do a proper set of day 3 hormone tests.
Then he talked about hubby's semen analysis he had done in April, he said he was happy with the count but wanted to see whether the motility could be improved and so wants hubby to take Wellman vitamins for two months and will then repeat the semen analysis.
He has already referred me for a pelvic ultrasound scan to check my womb and ovaries and then said he also wants me to have a scary sounding special xray called a hysterosalpingogram where they apparently do an internal (always a lovely experience...NOT) then fit a cathater and pass dye up into the tubes while they xray to see whether they can see any blockages, according to the leaflet they gave me you have to move around on the xray table to make the dye go in all the right parts.
On the same day before the proceedure is even started I have to take painkillers and 4, yes 4!!! antibiotics to prevent risk of infection.
This all needs to be done early in my next cycle so I have to wait till that starts and phone the department who will then book me in.
The specialist wants to see us again in three months time when he hopes to have all the results and will then be considering prescribing Clomid to help with ovulation.
Now it all sounds positive and proactive but since when do things ever run that smoothly for me?
My next cycle is due to start around the time we are going to be going abroad for a massive family holiday, now hpw typical is THAT?
So now I am left hoping for one of two things to happen, either for this month to be a nice short cycle (Unlikely) so I start new cycle early enough to get the tests all done BEFORE we have to go away OR of course for this to be THE month and not get a period at all and be pregnant at last!!
Well on a completely different subject, I could not possibly end this post without sending love to the amazing musical icon that is Amy Winehouse, I have been a massive fan for years and am still gutted she was taken from us at the age of only 27 (Like so many other greats) on July 23rd (The day of our 10th wedding anniversary party)
Always loved, always remembered.
Thursday, 28 July 2011
Not long to go now
Well here I am at the start of yet another cycle, every one it is that much harder to feel positive.
It is the first week of the Summer Hols here and tomorrow is mine and hubby's 10th wedding anniversary, hubby bless him will of course be working as usual. I however do have a hot date to have ears syringed lol
A
when hubby does get home I think we will be doing our usual celebratory trip to Pizza Hut with the kids.
I did organise a party in a local bar last Saturday, it was just for friends as my parents were babysitting for us so we decided it would be unfair to have family there is my parents could not be there.
I had managed to get in touch with an old school friend of hubby's via Facebook who was so keen to come he replied to the invite within seconds and kept sending v enthusiatic messages about the party saying he was bringing a surprise guest.
As it turns out the surprise guest was his brother who hubby had also known and who made te effort to come while his brother, hubby's actual school friend did not and did not make the effort to contact hubby who I know was very disappointed.
I have to say most people were great at letting us know if they could not make it and only hubby's and one of my friends did not bother to let us know they were not coming (despite already saying they would be there)
Anyway back to the trying to conceive thing, it is now only about 2 weeks till our appointment with the fertility people and before then we have a much needed long weekend in lovely Cornwall (where we went for our first holiday alone together) although obviously we will have our 3 boys with us lol.
Hubby has just been on the phone double checking the date and time of our appointment as he needs to book the day off work (yet another joy of him working so far away) he is trying to get his dentist appointment booked for the same day so he does not have to miss more time.
This cycle I feel particularly low about it all so am not really following my cycle too closely and have not even bought any more ovulation tests as we have bought so many and got nowhere.
By the time of our appointment it should be about 2 weeks to my next dreaded period so hopefully they will be able to tell us something lol.
Will of course keep you posted....
It is the first week of the Summer Hols here and tomorrow is mine and hubby's 10th wedding anniversary, hubby bless him will of course be working as usual. I however do have a hot date to have ears syringed lol
A
when hubby does get home I think we will be doing our usual celebratory trip to Pizza Hut with the kids.
I did organise a party in a local bar last Saturday, it was just for friends as my parents were babysitting for us so we decided it would be unfair to have family there is my parents could not be there.
I had managed to get in touch with an old school friend of hubby's via Facebook who was so keen to come he replied to the invite within seconds and kept sending v enthusiatic messages about the party saying he was bringing a surprise guest.
As it turns out the surprise guest was his brother who hubby had also known and who made te effort to come while his brother, hubby's actual school friend did not and did not make the effort to contact hubby who I know was very disappointed.
I have to say most people were great at letting us know if they could not make it and only hubby's and one of my friends did not bother to let us know they were not coming (despite already saying they would be there)
Anyway back to the trying to conceive thing, it is now only about 2 weeks till our appointment with the fertility people and before then we have a much needed long weekend in lovely Cornwall (where we went for our first holiday alone together) although obviously we will have our 3 boys with us lol.
Hubby has just been on the phone double checking the date and time of our appointment as he needs to book the day off work (yet another joy of him working so far away) he is trying to get his dentist appointment booked for the same day so he does not have to miss more time.
This cycle I feel particularly low about it all so am not really following my cycle too closely and have not even bought any more ovulation tests as we have bought so many and got nowhere.
By the time of our appointment it should be about 2 weeks to my next dreaded period so hopefully they will be able to tell us something lol.
Will of course keep you posted....
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
AGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHH
Well the title probably gives you a bit of clue whether this month was MY month or not, doesn't it?
Today is day 2 of an awful, agonising af (aunt flo as they call it)
I cannot even say whether she was late arriving as I am now so totally and completely irregular so have no clue when I was due on, but I can say this was the longest cycle I have ever had when not pregnant = 40 DAYS!
I had lost all control by the time the witch made a proper appearance and had taken god knows how many pregnancy tests, in fact this time I even used 3 different brands, the internet cheapies which were all negative, First Response, also negative and then I tried the test I got free in the post from a company called DuoFertility and heartbreakingly got a POSITIVE, it came up about half an hour after taking the test.
I literally held my breath until I was able to take another test, ok TWO other tests, which both were totally negative.
Then the next day AF made a very clear appearance so am left doubly disappointed and will NEVER use another Duofertility test again.
I think hubby really thought we had cracked it this time even before the false positive test result, but I just wish he would talk to me about it all more, or at all really.
It always seems to be me raising the subject and before you say it, I DO give him the chance to get a word in lol, I wait and wait for him to bring it up but...NOTHING!
He says it is because he does not want to upset me, but can he really think that just because I am not talking about it that I am not constantly thinking about it.
Now it is only about three weeks until we have our appointment with the fertility/infertility people and I have to admit the nearer it gets the more scared/nervous I get which probably seems mad as it all part of achieving something so special and important.
I am not sure what scares me the most, going through all this and being told that there IS a problem and that they cannot fix it or even that they CAN fix it but it involves some horrible treatments and yet more months of raised hopes, OR that they CANNOT find a problem and so do not know why I can't get pregnant again or whether I ever will.
At the same time as feeling all these things I constantly feel lousy that I feel like this when I am already so blessed with my three beautiful children when so many people do not even have one, but I really cannot help how I feel, I wish I could, I have felt this longing for so long now and if I could stop it, I would!
I think that is part of the reason I do not really feel able to talk to anyone about it all as I feel so selfish.
Each month it is getting harder to pick myself up and "Be positive" after every reminder I have failed again.
This month I cannot even decide whether I am going to just ditch the whole trying to pinpoint ovulation as I have been using ovulation prediction tests for months and trying at the right times and ...NOTHING!
OR I could go into it further by also charting my temperature as reccomended to more accurately confirm ovulation.
Also I realise the specialists are going to want as much information as possible so the second approach would be good for that I guess, even if it causes me to totally what is left of my mind!!!
Today is day 2 of an awful, agonising af (aunt flo as they call it)
I cannot even say whether she was late arriving as I am now so totally and completely irregular so have no clue when I was due on, but I can say this was the longest cycle I have ever had when not pregnant = 40 DAYS!
I had lost all control by the time the witch made a proper appearance and had taken god knows how many pregnancy tests, in fact this time I even used 3 different brands, the internet cheapies which were all negative, First Response, also negative and then I tried the test I got free in the post from a company called DuoFertility and heartbreakingly got a POSITIVE, it came up about half an hour after taking the test.
I literally held my breath until I was able to take another test, ok TWO other tests, which both were totally negative.
Then the next day AF made a very clear appearance so am left doubly disappointed and will NEVER use another Duofertility test again.
I think hubby really thought we had cracked it this time even before the false positive test result, but I just wish he would talk to me about it all more, or at all really.
It always seems to be me raising the subject and before you say it, I DO give him the chance to get a word in lol, I wait and wait for him to bring it up but...NOTHING!
He says it is because he does not want to upset me, but can he really think that just because I am not talking about it that I am not constantly thinking about it.
Now it is only about three weeks until we have our appointment with the fertility/infertility people and I have to admit the nearer it gets the more scared/nervous I get which probably seems mad as it all part of achieving something so special and important.
I am not sure what scares me the most, going through all this and being told that there IS a problem and that they cannot fix it or even that they CAN fix it but it involves some horrible treatments and yet more months of raised hopes, OR that they CANNOT find a problem and so do not know why I can't get pregnant again or whether I ever will.
At the same time as feeling all these things I constantly feel lousy that I feel like this when I am already so blessed with my three beautiful children when so many people do not even have one, but I really cannot help how I feel, I wish I could, I have felt this longing for so long now and if I could stop it, I would!
I think that is part of the reason I do not really feel able to talk to anyone about it all as I feel so selfish.
Each month it is getting harder to pick myself up and "Be positive" after every reminder I have failed again.
This month I cannot even decide whether I am going to just ditch the whole trying to pinpoint ovulation as I have been using ovulation prediction tests for months and trying at the right times and ...NOTHING!
OR I could go into it further by also charting my temperature as reccomended to more accurately confirm ovulation.
Also I realise the specialists are going to want as much information as possible so the second approach would be good for that I guess, even if it causes me to totally what is left of my mind!!!
Monday, 11 July 2011
The Dreaded Two Week Wait.
It is the time of the month everyone trying to get pregnant looks forward to and dreads at the same time and when you have been trying for a long time that feeling only gets worse with each passing missed chance I can tell you.
Every month I tell myself I have NO symptoms, I do NOT feel queasy in the mornings, no my boobs are not any bigger than they were yesterday etc, but at the same time of course I am starting to wonder if they really are and yes today I don't feel right. That is the problem when you have been so desperate for something for so long, your mind can play the cruelest tricks.
Today is day 34 of my current cycle, I am not sure (as always) exactly when my next UNWANTED period is due as they have been so irregular, according to my online Clearblue chart thingy I am due on Friday but the Clearblue pop up thing says I am due tomorrow. But then there is the theory that you are meant to start your period 14 days after ovulation, which would mean I am due on Saturday (Oh today is Monday btw)
Following on from my last blog, I did carry on with testing for ovulation with the cheapie ovulation tests and finally did get a definite positive on day 22, they were also positive on day 23 and 24, on day 25 the line disappeared and apparently this is where you start counting days past ovulation (DPO as it is known)
So using that method I am now 9 dpo.
As I have talked about in previous blogs I have had several psychic readings done and many of them have said June was the month I would conceive so this month is even harder than the others, also it is now not long till I am due to go abroad on holiday with loads of the family and it would be lovely to be pregnant for then and even better if I was at least close to the 12 week stage as then in theory no morning sickness etc.
I do wish hubby would raise the subject with me himself once in a while, obviously I do tell him all of it, but even when I say nothing and wait for him to ask anything = he doesn't.
It is now less than a month till we go to see the fertility people at our local hospital, still not sure how I feel about that.
Wouldn't it be nice not to need it???
Every month I tell myself I have NO symptoms, I do NOT feel queasy in the mornings, no my boobs are not any bigger than they were yesterday etc, but at the same time of course I am starting to wonder if they really are and yes today I don't feel right. That is the problem when you have been so desperate for something for so long, your mind can play the cruelest tricks.
Today is day 34 of my current cycle, I am not sure (as always) exactly when my next UNWANTED period is due as they have been so irregular, according to my online Clearblue chart thingy I am due on Friday but the Clearblue pop up thing says I am due tomorrow. But then there is the theory that you are meant to start your period 14 days after ovulation, which would mean I am due on Saturday (Oh today is Monday btw)
Following on from my last blog, I did carry on with testing for ovulation with the cheapie ovulation tests and finally did get a definite positive on day 22, they were also positive on day 23 and 24, on day 25 the line disappeared and apparently this is where you start counting days past ovulation (DPO as it is known)
So using that method I am now 9 dpo.
As I have talked about in previous blogs I have had several psychic readings done and many of them have said June was the month I would conceive so this month is even harder than the others, also it is now not long till I am due to go abroad on holiday with loads of the family and it would be lovely to be pregnant for then and even better if I was at least close to the 12 week stage as then in theory no morning sickness etc.
I do wish hubby would raise the subject with me himself once in a while, obviously I do tell him all of it, but even when I say nothing and wait for him to ask anything = he doesn't.
It is now less than a month till we go to see the fertility people at our local hospital, still not sure how I feel about that.
Wouldn't it be nice not to need it???
Monday, 27 June 2011
Day 20 and what on earth is my body doing now???
As the title says I am day 20 of my cycle, I am still using my cheapie ovulation predictor tests and so far this cycle have not had a positive/dark line.
Today's was the first I could even see any sort of second line, but still not enough to be a positive as it was barely there.
Anyway, too much information alert!!!!
I was trying to check cervical mucus like all us good, long term trying to conceivers are apparently meant to do.
I found some light coloured bloody stuff, only a little but definitely there.
My next period is not due for just over another 2 weeks and me and hubby .... Saturday morning so for a change I can't blame him for it lol.
I have been onto the lovely and wise ladies of the Trying to Conceive forum to see what they think it might be, some are suggesting it could be an ovulation bleed which is something I have never had but is something to do with the ovaries struggling to release an egg and bleeding a little as it bursts out of the ovary.
Another theory is that by some miracle I already ovulated earlier in my cycle and that I did conceive and so would be an implantation bleed.
That of course would be too good to be true, it will probably just turn out to be one of those unexplained, annoying things our female bodies LOVE to do to us, especially when we are trying so desperately for something so important to us.
Anyway for now the plan is to just keep trying and to keep testing for ovulation with those little green handled test sticks and hoping against hope.
But I am keeping in mind that in less than 2 months I will finally get to see the person who might be able to give me the answer to the question we ALL ask - "Why isn't it this working"?
Today's was the first I could even see any sort of second line, but still not enough to be a positive as it was barely there.
Anyway, too much information alert!!!!
I was trying to check cervical mucus like all us good, long term trying to conceivers are apparently meant to do.
I found some light coloured bloody stuff, only a little but definitely there.
My next period is not due for just over another 2 weeks and me and hubby .... Saturday morning so for a change I can't blame him for it lol.
I have been onto the lovely and wise ladies of the Trying to Conceive forum to see what they think it might be, some are suggesting it could be an ovulation bleed which is something I have never had but is something to do with the ovaries struggling to release an egg and bleeding a little as it bursts out of the ovary.
Another theory is that by some miracle I already ovulated earlier in my cycle and that I did conceive and so would be an implantation bleed.
That of course would be too good to be true, it will probably just turn out to be one of those unexplained, annoying things our female bodies LOVE to do to us, especially when we are trying so desperately for something so important to us.
Anyway for now the plan is to just keep trying and to keep testing for ovulation with those little green handled test sticks and hoping against hope.
But I am keeping in mind that in less than 2 months I will finally get to see the person who might be able to give me the answer to the question we ALL ask - "Why isn't it this working"?
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