Sorry, I need to start by warning you this is a total venting blog as I have to let all this out before I crumble completely.
Today is day 33 in my cycle and according to the ovulation predicton tests I used it is also about 14 days past ovulation.
For the last week hubby and I have been becoming more and more convinced we might actually have cracked it this month and in fact I have been taking pregnancy tests DAILY (often more than one) for the last 8 days.
We have been this convinced because I have had symptoms I have NOT had the entire time we have been trying for this baby.
My boobs have been very painful which is not normal for me, even time of the month I just get discomfort for a day or so, but they have been hurting for 8 days, they have also definitely got bigger.
Also I have been so tearful, normally time of the month I am short tempered, but this tearful thing is different, I have been bursting into tears watching silly things on tv that I have seen a million times before.
But all the tests have been coming up as negative as they can possibly be.
Then this morning there was pale pink spotting inside which was devastating.
Hubby will not be home from work for another 7 and a half hours, I am not telling him about the spotting until he comes home, because as he works so far from home I know he hates knowing I am so upset when he is so far away and cannot do anything about it, bless him.
It is so much worse this month for it to be looking like yet another failure, because this month IS soooo different and because for the first time I can see hubby actually wants this baby too.
Yesterday we went out looking at bigger cars and he was even talking about where a baby seat would go.
Hubby really thought this month would be the one because all the stresses I have had this year were finally over.
So now if this really is not our month yet again, I will be back to hoping the hospital will be able to finally do the scary HSG xray on my tubes that they let me down with last month.
I have to let them know as soon as I definitely start my period as the test has to be performed within the first 10 days of my cycle, but also cannot be performed while there is any bleeding, as my periods can go on for as long as 6 to 10 days I am also worried about this.
We are due to see out fertility specialist again at the end of November and he obviously wants all the tests he ordered done by then, we only have the HSG and a repeat sperm analysis to get done.
He wants hubby to take Wellman conception vitamins for 2 months before repeating the analysis as he wants to see whether it improves the motility at all, he had started taking them again but after a mystery illness had had to stop taking them for a while so is back on them, makes it hard to know how long he has taken them for.
I have three beautiful boys and I KNOW I am sooooo lucky to even have them, but I feel utterly useless and damaged for not being able to conceive any more, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????
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