Happy birthday Bailey xxxx

Hello to anyone who might be reading and an apology for again taking so many months to write again, I must try to find time to write this more often.

Anyway the last time I wrote was May so since then we have faced the 2nd anniversaries of Mum and Bailey and of course our precious boy's 2nd birthday in the sky.
For Mum's anniversary this year, as it was on a Saturday my hubby was able to be with me.
My dad had decided he wanted to take a thank you card and gift to the A & E department and also the intensive care unit where my Mum died to thank them for everything they did for her. We went with him and my younger brother.
It was so much more painful than I thought it would be, A&E was quick as he literally only got to hand it over the counter to a pretty confused looking receptionist.
But it was the Intensive Care Unit that was torture, I stood there next to my dad and brother hearing dad talk to the staff about how wonderful they were to mum and to him and my brother who were there with her, it just reminded me how much I am on the outside of this still as I was not able to be there with her or them that day.
One of the nurses started talking about the fact they knew I had been pregnant and not been able to get there in time.

My hubby stood over the other side, I have no idea why it did not occur to him to stand with me at a time like that, but he didn't. i stood there thanking all the staff for acts I did not see and without even realising I was even doing it, I dug my nails into my own arm until it bled a little. 

After visiting the hospital we collected the kids from home and took flowers to Mum's memorial Rose bush at the crematorium, also taking some to Bailey of course.
Then we all went for a meal together and then back to my dads local pub for a couple of hours.
its still very hard marking awful anniversaries like this without my precious older brother with us, but I think about him all the time and we will always have the connection that neither of us were there with Mum at the end.

The next big day of course was Bailey's 2nd birthday, I was dreading it so much and filled with even more guilt than normal as this year hubby had arranged to take me and him away for a week in Turkey (dad came to stay with the boys)
Typically the one and only day of our beautiful holiday we were both ill was his actual birthday.
We had bought a special candle holder and tealight and had planned to light it on a beach and have a lovely meal there, but although we managed the candle we were not able to face a meal so ended up back in bed and lighting the candle again on our balcony that evening.We even sang happy birthday.

Worse not Better

I know I have not written for 6 months, but as I am the only one who reads it I guess it does not matter really anyway does it?

I have absolutely no updates on the ttc thing, still trying, still failing pretty much sums that up.
It was 20 months last week since my Bailey's birth and we started trying to conceive again about 3 months after that which included 3 cycles of fertility injectable treatments that also failed.

I was repeatedly told last year that the first year of grief is the hardest but I have to say for me this is really not true, right now I am struggling more than I ever have with the loss of my baby boy.
This might be because having been made to shut out other heartache I am now filled with the pain of not having him here with me anymore.
Maybe this is how I should have been allowed to feel when my heart was first ripped out of me but couldn't as it was being ripped in too many different ways.
Only problem now is I feel more totally alone with it than ever as I feel people think I have moved on or should have somehow moved on my magic.

Then there is of course the added pain of my failing fertility and 2 babies being born into my family just this month, I am having to protect myself by avoiding this as much as I can (hubby's advice) as I have not always done it and have worried about everyone else and what they will think.
But I am not ok, it is not ok Bailey died, it is not any easier just because people do not talk about him to me does not mean I am not in agony inside.
Yes I have my older sons, yes they and hubby are my whole life but why does that mean I cannot long for my 4th son? why would having the 3 of them mean I do not miss their brother and ache every time I look at them as I know he would have looked so much like them (my youngest especially as he already DID look like him) I see every day the things he will never get to do and the fact I get to see his brothers (who are their own people and are not each other and so also are not him) do these things does not and cannot change how I feel about the youngest baby in our family.
Please then do not tell me "At least you have other children" Because I can tell you all that ever does is add to my pain and the feeling I can't allow myself to grieve a it only makes me feel guilty as if having other children means I have no right to want, long for, miss or grieve for someone just as precious and entitled to my love as they are 

This week a film myself along with so many other angel mummies have been promoting as it is about a baby dying in pregnancy, it was a true story and it was our story on so many levels, in fact more than I was expecting, this film said so many things I am still not able to express or even explain to anyone and I so desperately wanted my friends and family to see this for that reason, but despite all the posts I wrote and the others I shared about the film, before and after it, none of them did!
Yes I know its upsetting to watch for a couple of hours etc but to totally ignore everything about it when they can see someone reaching out that I don't understand.

So right now I feel like shutting myself away completely and for once drop the I am fine act, because that is something I am uncomfortable with

Has Anyone Missed Me?

Wow I just checked to see when I last wrote my blog, it was AUGUST 27th.
Incase anyone does actually read this I am really sorry, but time has well and truly run away from me.

Where should I begin?

A few days after my last blog it was the 1 year anniversary of losing my Mum.
My hubby of course had to work, but as it was school holidays my 3 boys were home, so along with them, my Dad and my younger brother I went to the crematorium where we have her memorial Rose bush and plaque (and baby Bailey's memorial too) we took her flowers and went back to where I grew up and where my Dad and brother still live. We went for a meal and then to the park we always went to when I was little, it was so sad being there without Mum.

Then shortly after that it was Bailey's first birthday/angelversary 
I really really struggled with the build up to the day to the point of making myself ill.
The only way I could deal with the day was to treat it as it was, a birthday, I asked people to send Bailey 1st birthday cards and he got loads, mostly from people I have never even met which is incredible.
He even got presents.

On the day we took little presents, fresh flowers and balloons to Bailey's memorial, we sang happy birthday to him.
We then went to a seaside we had never been to before so will always be Bailey's now, we had hoped to release the helium balloons but it was way too windy.


On the ttc side of things

As you can probably tell the first round of injectable ovulation drugs did not work.
I had the first scan on day 10 which showed no eggs as big as 10mm, they do not count the eggs unless they are at least  10mm and to progress they need to be bigger than 15mm at about day 15.
With that cycle the egg did not get any bigger than 11mm so I was told to stop the cycle.
As they only gave me 3 cycles I was gutted.

Hubby and I were away the time my next cycle started so had to wait another month.
The second cycle the hospital knew I had to double my doses, this was horrible as the injections gave me bad enough side effects before so now they were so much worse.
I get massive massive sudden headaches, everything swells up and hurts.
At the first scan with that cycle I was on day 11, this time there was one egg at 10mm
I was told to take more double doses and was re scanned on day 13, this time it showed the egg was 15mm so I was told to wait 2 days and then take the big trigger shot injection to release the egg,
we did all that but NOTHING! I think my body released the egg before it was ready and before I took the trigger shot.
We were both so so disappointed as we thought it might have worked.

Now I am on my final course, the last help the NHS will give us.
I am on day 12, I had my first scan yesterday and there were 2 eggs both measuring 10mm, I have to take another 2 double doses and go back for my last scan in 3 days time....

A New Experience

Still battling my way through some agonising days/anniversaries as well as having started my new fertility treatment last week.

Anniversary wise today is 1 year since my hubby, sons and I went to Portugal, I was 4 months pregnant and we were so hopeful after getting the first part of Bailey's test results from the horrible CVS and they had ruled out some devastating conditions. We were planning to make the call for the other results together from the beach the next week.
But of course that all changed a couple of days later (after calls from dad saying mum would not see a doctor and me trying to talk her into it, then trying desperately to get a flight back and of course failing to get one in time to say goodbye.

This Friday is coming round so fast, it will be a year since my Mum died, I have dreaded that day for so long and literally have no idea how to get through it, my dad and my brother are coming over and along with my boys we are going to Mum's memorial rose (and Bailey's memorial) 
Then back to my childhood home town where dad and my brother still live, for a meal somewhere and so I can light candles in my old local church (where my parents married) then to their local (where I organised Mums wake/get together) so the boys can play pool with my dad and maybe make him smile a little, then hubby will meet us there after work to raise a glass to mum.
It was left to me to organise the day, so I hope I have done ok.

After that difficult day it will only be a couple of weeks till Bailey's birthday.

Fertility treatment wise, I started my injectable hormones when my new cycle began last week. I had to inject, well get hubby to inject me every other day from cd2 till yesterday (cd8) then this morning at 8am I had to go for an internal scan to see if any folicles were growing and whether the womb lining was thickening right.
I felt so so alone sitting in the early pregnancy unit, yes that is where they sent me, the very same scan room where I saw Bailey for the very first time and also where we saw Bailey on his 12 week scan and where they first realised he had a problem. I could even see the quiet room we were sent to.
When I was eventually seen, they said there was only 1 folicle measuring 10mm and that my lining was only 6mm.
I then had to see the fertility nurse who wants me to now inject every day till Friday morning when I have to have another scan.
So that is what I will be doing first thing in the morning on my Mum's anniversary.

Wish I could go back

Today is yet another anniversary for me, they are endless at the moment, one after the other to the point where I feel I am drowning and completely alone.

Today is a year since the day hubby and I were seen at the Fetal Care Unit, the day I had to go through that awful CVS test that still haunts me, it is the test they put this long needle through the abdomen, through into the womb and into the fragile placenta and they draw out some fluid and cells so they can test for the 52 different chromosome conditions.

It also means today is a year since the very last time i saw Bailey alive on a scan, he was actually too lively for the consultant at times and meant he had to wait ages for him to move away from the placenta long enough to perform the test.
Hubby will never forget seeing him swollowing fluid and blowing bubbles.

That day was a terrifying rollercoaster of raised and dashed hopes.

It was also the day my Mum and Dad left for their last ever holiday together, last Friday (16th August) was a year since i last saw my Mum alive, it was so painful but once again, as always I had to put on a front for everyone as I did not want to upset anyone else.

It is breaking my heart seeing more and more things my Mum would have loved to have seen and would have been a big part of, her grandsons birthdays and my eldest son getting accepted into university! then there is another big birthday soon as my middle son turns 16 and gets his GCSE results and of course this year my youngest living son starts secondary school.
Next Friday is a day I am dreading with all my heart, a year since the day my Mum died, another reminder how I was not there for her that day.

On the TTC front, there are scary times too, this evening I start the injectable ovulation drugs, I am terrified, then next week I have to go for a scan to see whether I am reacting to them, but what really petrifies me with that and the thing I have no idea how to face, is i have to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit for the scan, the very place I was when I had my 12 week scan and they first saw Bailey's bladder condition.

New cycles, new plan.

I am only on cycle day 10 so the new plan cannot start till the next cycle.
When I say new plan, it's not really MY plan, but that of the fertility specialists.
Last cycle was my last one on Clomid after taking 12 cycles of it, she did say I could have another 2 months on the higher dose I had been on for the last 2 cycles, but she felt that I would need to move on to the next and final level of NHS funded fertility treatment so we decided to go ahead and move on.

So this week I had my appointment with the fertility nurse who explained to me (Hubby was of course at work) all about the injections I will have to give myself once my next cycle starts, she gave me a kit full of two different types of needles, ones to draw up the drug and others to inject it into my skin on either my stomach or the tops of my thighs.
I then, after doing it for a set amount of days, I go in to the bloody early pregnancy unit of all places, for repeated scans until they see enough of the right sized egg follicles, I then have to give myself the big injection (I have to keep this one in the fridge) which makes the body release the egg, this is also when they will advise us when we should be bding (Baby dancing/doing the deed)
But apparently if when I have one of these scans and they see too many ready follicles they will cancel that cycle as there is an even bigger risk of multiple babies, if they cancel a course it still counts as one of the 3 they have given me so I could end up with even less chances than that!

Going to the appointment was very hard as I had to see them on the ward where my precious Bailey was born, 10 months ago last Monday.
I was kept waiting and was had a small panic attack because all I could think of was the day Bailey was born and the way the midwife kept bringing him back into the room to see me every so often throughout the day and as I sat there waiting for my appointment I was so desperate to see her come carrying him in there to me, I could feel him there and it broke my heart knowing he was not there anymore.

I have now had part of my course delivered, but somehow it seems the company have misplaced the actual ovulation drug and only delivered the trigger shots.
I am hoping they manage to sort this out next week.

Race for Life and race for time.

Well we did it!
My youngest living son Charlie and i did Cancer research Race for Life just under 2 weeks ago.
I was so so proud of him, he found it hard at times reading all the other children with Nanny written on their back signs (To say why they were doing the race) He kept pointing them out to me, I could not help reading the other signs saying Mum on, it was so emotional.
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was coming to the finish line and seeing my dad's face and wishing my Mum was standing there beside him waving at me.
I could almost see her cuddling Charlie and telling him how proud they were.

As it was also Fathers Day we took my Dad (and younger brother of course) to lunch, that was hard for me as we went to the same restaurant we took him to last year when Mum was still alive and well (as far as any of us knew), I could not stop staring at the table we had sat at and picturing mum there.

Fathers Day was also painful for hubby as he could not help but think Bailey SHOULD have been there with us spending his first Fathers Day with his daddy.

Me and the boys had got him a special keyring with Bailey's beautiful 12 week scan of his face on, he loved it.

As for TTC I am now just over half way through my last prescribed cycle of Clomid, that absolutely terrifies me to be honest as I have now had the full 12 months they will prescribe to a patient and I have no idea what, if anything they will try next for us.

My therapist I am seeing about my grief etc said we should have THAT conversation, meaning talk about a possible cut off for trying as hubby will be 50 next year and I will be getting closer to 40, she said we also need to discuss the what if this never happens for us.

After getting  so so upset yesterday morning and the night before, we did start to have this conversation when my very concerned hubby felt he had to leave work early and came home to take me out for a while.

Sometimes this mask of "I'm so so" or "I'm ok" gets a little too heavy to hold up in front of everyone all the time.

As we are back to see the fertility specialists next month (July) we are going to wait and see what they say and go from there.

Hubby bless his heart still seems convinced we WILL get pregnant and WILL have one more baby, I wish I had his belief, I really do.