Race for Life and race for time.

Well we did it!
My youngest living son Charlie and i did Cancer research Race for Life just under 2 weeks ago.
I was so so proud of him, he found it hard at times reading all the other children with Nanny written on their back signs (To say why they were doing the race) He kept pointing them out to me, I could not help reading the other signs saying Mum on, it was so emotional.
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was coming to the finish line and seeing my dad's face and wishing my Mum was standing there beside him waving at me.
I could almost see her cuddling Charlie and telling him how proud they were.

As it was also Fathers Day we took my Dad (and younger brother of course) to lunch, that was hard for me as we went to the same restaurant we took him to last year when Mum was still alive and well (as far as any of us knew), I could not stop staring at the table we had sat at and picturing mum there.

Fathers Day was also painful for hubby as he could not help but think Bailey SHOULD have been there with us spending his first Fathers Day with his daddy.

Me and the boys had got him a special keyring with Bailey's beautiful 12 week scan of his face on, he loved it.

As for TTC I am now just over half way through my last prescribed cycle of Clomid, that absolutely terrifies me to be honest as I have now had the full 12 months they will prescribe to a patient and I have no idea what, if anything they will try next for us.

My therapist I am seeing about my grief etc said we should have THAT conversation, meaning talk about a possible cut off for trying as hubby will be 50 next year and I will be getting closer to 40, she said we also need to discuss the what if this never happens for us.

After getting  so so upset yesterday morning and the night before, we did start to have this conversation when my very concerned hubby felt he had to leave work early and came home to take me out for a while.

Sometimes this mask of "I'm so so" or "I'm ok" gets a little too heavy to hold up in front of everyone all the time.

As we are back to see the fertility specialists next month (July) we are going to wait and see what they say and go from there.

Hubby bless his heart still seems convinced we WILL get pregnant and WILL have one more baby, I wish I had his belief, I really do.