Sunday, 5 October 2014

Happy birthday Bailey xxxx

Hello to anyone who might be reading and an apology for again taking so many months to write again, I must try to find time to write this more often.

Anyway the last time I wrote was May so since then we have faced the 2nd anniversaries of Mum and Bailey and of course our precious boy's 2nd birthday in the sky.
For Mum's anniversary this year, as it was on a Saturday my hubby was able to be with me.
My dad had decided he wanted to take a thank you card and gift to the A & E department and also the intensive care unit where my Mum died to thank them for everything they did for her. We went with him and my younger brother.
It was so much more painful than I thought it would be, A&E was quick as he literally only got to hand it over the counter to a pretty confused looking receptionist.
But it was the Intensive Care Unit that was torture, I stood there next to my dad and brother hearing dad talk to the staff about how wonderful they were to mum and to him and my brother who were there with her, it just reminded me how much I am on the outside of this still as I was not able to be there with her or them that day.
One of the nurses started talking about the fact they knew I had been pregnant and not been able to get there in time.

My hubby stood over the other side, I have no idea why it did not occur to him to stand with me at a time like that, but he didn't. i stood there thanking all the staff for acts I did not see and without even realising I was even doing it, I dug my nails into my own arm until it bled a little. 

After visiting the hospital we collected the kids from home and took flowers to Mum's memorial Rose bush at the crematorium, also taking some to Bailey of course.
Then we all went for a meal together and then back to my dads local pub for a couple of hours.
its still very hard marking awful anniversaries like this without my precious older brother with us, but I think about him all the time and we will always have the connection that neither of us were there with Mum at the end.

The next big day of course was Bailey's 2nd birthday, I was dreading it so much and filled with even more guilt than normal as this year hubby had arranged to take me and him away for a week in Turkey (dad came to stay with the boys)
Typically the one and only day of our beautiful holiday we were both ill was his actual birthday.
We had bought a special candle holder and tealight and had planned to light it on a beach and have a lovely meal there, but although we managed the candle we were not able to face a meal so ended up back in bed and lighting the candle again on our balcony that evening.We even sang happy birthday.


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