Till my second fertility specialist appointment that is.
Today is Tuesday and my appointment is on Monday and I have to say I am already starting to get worried whenever I let myself think about it.
My hubby definitely cannot make it to the appointment this time due to work commitments, I am very lucky a lovely friend of mine offered to change her hours at work for the day and is coming with me.
I am going to have to take a notebook with me to write stuff down for hubby, especially details of my test results and also his recent semen analysis as I know I will struggle to take it all in without him there.
This is the last week of term for my boys so they will be home when I have my appointment, but the older 2 are now old enough to stay with the younger one for a little while.
I am glad the appointment will be over with in time for Xmas, but am so worried I will leave the appointment no better off and am scared of being fobbed off.
I willl be 37 in March and while I know some people will say this is still young, fertility wise it really isn't and the fact that this time we have been trying to conceive for so long with no luck cannot be a good sign.
My cycles are still totally irregular which is not how they used to be and I have also noticed that my actual periods are getting shorter which really worries me too as I am worried I might be starting some sort of peri menopause and yet again have been researching and these are all possible signs and apparently anything under 40 is considered early menopause, I also discovered that this peri menopause thing can last anything up to 10 years before going into full menopause and they only confirm full menopause when you have not had a period for 12 months.
I went to Zumba last night with a friend, on the way there in her car with another friend of hers we were talking about my problems conceiving and I was so surprised and happy to hear the other lady saying that she can imagine some people saying it cannot be that bad or upsetting as I already have 3 kids, but that she could imagine that it does not actually mean it hurts any less.
It was so nice to hear someone actually able to empathise and not just spout insensitive comments.
I keep bumping into people I have not seen for quite a while who I told ages ago we were trying for another baby and it is really hard as they either assume we have changed our minds about trying or they try to joke around saying things like "Wow , you STILL not pregnant?" etc.
Also I still regularly go on a chat forum I have been going on all year and now I am seeing women who started trying after me or around the same time and are now giving birth or getting close to it, it just reminds me exactly how long we have been trying for.
As Christmas is coming we will soon be getting together with hubbys family, we have not seen some of them since the Summer when we told then we are trying for a baby so I know the conversation will come round to it at some point and while I would be a bit put out of no one mentioned it as it is so important to me, I can imagine how upsetting the conversation might be.
Hubby bless him still says he believes we will have another baby, but I am less and less convinced and I do wonder whether he really is as sure as he claims, or whether he is just trying to stay positive for me as he can see I am losing faith.
He has admitted it is taking a lot longer than he thought it would and that he was sure I would at least have been pregnant by Christmas and I am not even close.
Some of my friends have even given up asking me how things are going, maybe because they too are losing faith and just don't want to upset me by asking as they know I am not falling pregnant because they know me well enough to know if I was I would be shouting it from the roof tops.
So to give a little update, today is cycle day 10 and I have started testing with ovulation tests, I am hoping the earlier and higher dose I took of soya isoflavones this cycle MIGHT make me get an earlier positive OPK and hopefully I might actually ovulate as despite getting positive opks, I am not convinced I am.
We will see....
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