AGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRHHH

Well the title probably gives you a bit of clue whether this month was MY month or not, doesn't it?


Today is day 2 of an awful, agonising af (aunt flo as they call it)
I cannot even say whether she was late arriving as I am now so totally and completely irregular so have no clue when I was due on, but I can say this was the longest cycle I have ever had when not pregnant = 40 DAYS!


I had lost all control by the time the witch made a proper appearance and had taken god knows how many pregnancy tests, in fact this time I even used 3 different brands, the internet cheapies which were all negative, First Response, also negative and then I tried the test I got free in the post from a company called DuoFertility and heartbreakingly got a POSITIVE, it came up about half an hour after taking the test.


I literally held my breath until I was able to take another test, ok TWO other tests, which both were totally negative.
Then the next day AF made a very clear appearance so am left doubly disappointed and will NEVER use another Duofertility test again.


I think hubby really thought we had cracked it this time even before the false positive test result, but I just wish he would talk to me about it all more, or at all really.
It always seems to be me raising the subject and before you say it, I DO give him the chance to get a word in lol, I wait and wait for him to bring it up but...NOTHING!
He says it is because he does not want to upset me, but can he really think that just because I am not talking about it that I am not constantly thinking about it.


Now it is only about three weeks until we have our appointment with the fertility/infertility people and I have to admit the nearer it gets the more scared/nervous I get which probably seems mad as it all part of achieving something so special and important.


I am not sure what scares me the most, going through all this and being told that there IS  a problem and that they cannot fix it or even that they CAN fix it but it involves some horrible treatments and yet more months of raised hopes, OR that they CANNOT find a problem and so do not know why I can't get pregnant again or whether I ever will.


At the same time as feeling all these things I constantly feel lousy that I  feel like this when I am already so blessed with my three beautiful children when so many people do not even have one, but I really cannot help how I feel, I wish I could, I have felt this longing for so long now and if I could stop it, I would!
I think that is part of the reason I do not really feel able to talk to anyone about it all as I feel so selfish.


Each month it is getting harder to pick myself up and "Be positive" after every reminder I have failed again.


This month I cannot even decide whether I am going to just ditch the whole trying to pinpoint ovulation as I have been using ovulation prediction tests for months and trying at the right times and ...NOTHING!
OR I could go into it further by also charting my temperature as reccomended to more accurately confirm ovulation.
Also I realise the specialists are going to want as much information as possible so the second approach would be good for that I guess, even if it causes me to totally what is left of my mind!!!