A little more hope

I am writing this on the Monday following my rescan.
I was going to waffle on before this but just can't lol
I was absolutely terrified about it, I was so scared they might still only see an empty little sac, I could not sleep a wink the night before and felt so ill all evening.
The scan went well, really well,except my hubby did not come to this one either unfortunately which was upsetting.
But the same friend was very keen to come with me bless her.
We were seen late of course but had another very nice sonographer who as soon as she started the internal scan she said it was good news which was the biggest relief.

She then asked me again to tilt my hips up (Must remember to ask whether I have a funny shaped uterus lol)
Then she turned the screen to me and I saw my little rainbow (A beautiful term for babies conceived after a loss)
This little thing was wrigging away and I could see the tiny heart beating away even before she pointed it out to me
My friend said he/she looked like a little HAMSTER!!!
I was amazed how much bigger Rainbow seemed than I had expected and also that so much could have changed in just 2 weeks since the first scan.
I asked for a picture and was given ...

She said I was going to be 8 weeks the following day and so my new estimated due date was a few days later than it had been going by my last period, my new date is March 1st, although this might of course change at my 12 week scan in 3 weeks time.

I got a call from my gp saying I needed to see her for my first antenatal last week, I went to this and to be honest it was a bit pointless.

She gave me my hospital notes file but did not fill anything in, no medical history etc at all. She did take my blood pressure and weight and said they were fine.

She also gave me the form for my maternity excemption certificate for free prescriptions and dental care which I have sent off.

I told her I had a booking in appointment with the midwife this week and she said there was no point as she had done it, but when I phoned the midwife she said gps don't do the booking in properly as they need to do bloode tests etc so I am still having my first midwife appointment tomorrow.

My 12 week scan is in 3 weeks and as long as everything is still ok we will hopefully then tell the world.

It will be a very busy day tomorrow as it is also the day the Olympiic torch arrives in our town.



Hello again hope!!!!

First of all to anyone who follows my blog (If there is anyone of course lol) I am sorry it has been a while since I last updated, but things have been busy.

On June the 16th, the day before Fathers Day here in the UK, about 4 days before my second period after my miscarriage was due we were going to a family birthday barbque I randomly decided to take a First Response pregnancy test, it was only 11 days past ovulation (i had got a positive opk on cd14) so was not really expecting anything....
BUT the fanitest pink line appeared, I carried that test around with me all day and kept looking at it trying so hard not to get excited and in fact tried to convince myself I seeing things.


I took another First Response two days later and the line was much clearer, then still not totally convinced I took a Clearblue digital test another two days later and the word "PREGNANT" came up straight away, then after what felt like ages up came 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears as it instantly reminded me of the same test result a week before I lost my little one in April.

I never got any further than the 1-2 weeks in that pregnancy so I must admit I did become a bit obsessed with needing to see those weeks go up.
So I took another digital five days later and was so relieved to see 2-3 weeks pop up after what felt like a lifetime again.
I was more impatient this time and  only waited till the end of that week to take yet another digital test and was a little gutted to see another 2-3 weeks instead of the 3+ I so desperately wanted to see.
A few days later after talking to online communities I did take another digital and was stunned when despite not taking it first thing in the morning the words PREGNANT and the precious 3+ popped up super fast!!!

We kept our appointment with the fertility specialist, for some reason it was not the man I usually see, but some locum who was basically just pleased to get the chance to discharge a patient and kept saying that it was brilliant I had managed to get pregnant twice on Clomid, despite the fact I had miscarried the first time and it was only 2 months before.
I told her how scared I was of going through it again and she said I should ask the early pregnancy unit for an early scan, I then had to explain it is not as easy as that as I know from having my youngest it was hard for my gp to get me seen there even when I was bleeding so eventuallly she said she would try talking to them while we waited in the waiting area again.
The nurse came back with an appointment for.... TODAY!!!!!

I am writing the rest of this post AFTER the scan.....

As is always the way the scan ended up being the day hubby could not  make it as he had his poor uncle's funneral a long way away.
Luckily a friend offered to come with me, she drove and I paid for the car park.
I was so so nervous sitting in the waiting room, made worse by the fact that the fertility nurse had phoned me in the morning and when I had told her I was nervous her strange and scary response was to say "So am I"
So by the time I was called into the scan room I was shaking.
As I was under 8 weeks they had to do an internal scan which although uncomfortable was not painful.
I could not see the screen but after the lady doing the scan asked me to raise my hips on my hands I knew there probably was not much to see.
They had said when I came in that it was too early to see anything, but I was still disappointed when they said all they could see was a gestational sac, they said this was good news as it was proof of pregnancy, proof it was not in a tube and that it was the right size.
They booked me to come back in exactly 2 weeks time when they said they expect to see the baby and heartbeat.
So that means two more weeks of worry.

I am not sure whether hubby will even be at that one either, have to wait and see, but at least my friend is keen to come with me again if he can't.

We did go ahead and tell our kids about the baby last night, we talked about it and decided we would have told them by now if I had not been having the scans and I hated to keeping it all from them.
We have of course explained it is early days and what they said about the scan but they seemed happy.
Just hope I don't let them down again.

Hubby has told his family,and mine know but I am waiting to do the whole Facebook thing once I have had my 12 week scan next month.
So here we go again lol ........

Two months

I am just doing an update, I wanted to do it today as unbelievably it is exactly two months today since I lost my little one.
I can't decide whether that seems like a long time or not, but it just feels like I have been grieving for her forever, maybe that is due to having tried for her for such a long time.

I am saying her as when I think of the baby I seem to get this strong feeling it was a girl, I thought at first this was because I could not face thinking of the baby as a boy as then I could picture the baby looking like my 3 other boys and that is heartbreaking.
But lately when I have thought or dreamed about the baby the name Grace keeps coming to mind which is strange as it is not a name I have ever considered.

I have tried talking to hubby about this but he cannot handle the idea of names or of imagining what sex little one was and said I should just call it bubba or little one which is what I say when I talk to him or anyone about it.

So cycle wise today is CD22 and I am 8DPO, I am totally ignoring my body this month so not looking out for any signs or symptoms as it is too much to deal with.
This weekend we have my brother in laws birthday bar b que and then the next day we are probably going out for a meal with my parents for fathers day.
On fathers day I will be 12DPO which is when I got myfirst positive pregnancy test result with the little one so in theory I could take a test then as it will only be 2 or 3 days before period should be due.
I am in two minds whether to take it for many reasons.
I am obviously scare of yet more disappointment, but I am also terrified of finding out so early again only to lose it again.
But then one of the saddest things about losing my little one after trying for so long was that we never got the chance to celebrate the fact I had finally managed to get pregnant after all that time, we never got the chance to share the good news or even be congratulated, I know that might sound silly but it matters as on some level it is like my longed for baby never even exisited and that still kills me every day.

The other reason I feel I maybe should test are with the two get togethers at the weekend people will expect me to drink and being around so many people I will feel like drinking so obviously it would be great to know whether I could drink or not.
I still find these big get togethers so difficult, I have still not been able to tell my parents about little one which as much as I know is probably as hubby says my only option, still really hurts when I am sitting in a room (usually a pub or restaurant) with them knowing they do not have the slightest idea what their daughter is going through.
My mother in law knows and I told my brother in laws girlfriend (Because I got a bit upset when she askked how the trying to conceive was going) but I have no idea whether they have told anyone else in the family as nothing has been said.

I got a message from my lovely cousin saying she had guessed from things on Facebook what had happened, so although I have not mentioned it on there people must be able to guess maybe they can see the links etc I have liked, I don't know.
She was lovely about it bless her.

I have coped with some truly horrific things in my life but for some reason this is something I am struggling to get over and I do not feel like the same person any more.
I do not feel normal and have not felt so totally alone for years.
I need to try and get back to some normality but have no idea how and am finding it hard to reach out to anyone as I feel I am alone.

Sorry this blog has become a downer again but it is my only place to open up really.

Hubby is definitely coming with me to "My" fertility appointment (ass he refers to it as) in just under two weeks, I am starting to dread it as I have this massive fear they are going to say that once I finish my Clomid in two months time that that is it, no more help and I really feel I cannot get pregnant without it as I clearly for some reason despite what OPKs might say do NOT ovulate without it. I think the fact that I did not get pregnant at all until my third month on Clomid (the first Clomid month we were able to try properly due to hubby's awful illness)
proves that.

Maybe I will have to try to accept that my lost little one was my only chance and I blew it somehow.

Jubilee Weekend

As the title says this is the jubilee bank holiday weekend. I amazingly actually have hubby home for more than a weekend.

It is 60 years of having Queen Elizabeth running things, pretty amazing really.

It has been quite a manic weekend, Saturday we did our usual shopping, banking etc as hubby works till late all week it is the only time we can do the boring things.
Then Sunday hubby took us to visit his parents and we had a bar b q despite the lousy weather (lots of running in and out the garden)
It was not an easy day really as I had not seen some of the family since before my miscarriage and they had not been told so of course the question of how is the trying to get pregnant going came up.

Then Monday I had aranged to go to my friends house for a jubilee get together, I had really wanted to go as I have not seen my friends since before the miscarriage either.
But I got a phonecall from my dad in the morning reminding me we had promised to come to their local pub for a bar b q and as it is very awkward to get together with my family (for reasons I cannot  go into) and because the boys had not seen their grandparents for over 2 months and as we had promised, I could not say no without it causing major problems.
I felt lousy letting my friends down, but there was no way I could win.

Today we are just chilling out watching more jubilee footage on tv and dvds before hubby returns to work tomorrow.
My dad wants to take the kids to the cinema with me (and mum of course) tomorrow as they did not do it during the last school holiday when the kids last saw them, the day they babysat so I could attend hubby's aunt's funeral.

On the ttc front...
I started back on the Clomid medication this cycle, back to the joy of side effects and raised hopes.
Today is cd14 and amazingly I have got a positive ovulation test!!!!!
It is only the 2nd time I have got one this early, even the month I did fall pregnant it was cd16.
Still going to try not to get my hopes up but at the very least it means I should have a nice short 28 day cycle for a change.

Sunday I should have been 12 weeks pregnant and tomorrow was when my 12 week scan was booked for so I desperately need something positive to try to focus on as it is hurting so much right now.
Hubby is starting to worry about me and says it is not "healthy" for me to keep track of dates and how far along I would/should have been, but I really cannot help it.

I wear the angel charm he bought me everyday.

Anyway think that is all updates I have for now.

What a week!!!

I am just grabbing a minute to give a quick update as I have my youngest son home after he was a very brave little soldier yesterday having 4 adult and one baby tooth out under a general anaesthetic.
He has some condition where his adult teeth are not all forming normally and are very weak.

An update, I am no longer in no mans land as such as my first post miscarriage period has hit like a hurricane. Today is cd3 and I have been in agony since yesterday morning (which made being at the hospital even harder of course) I had read that the first one after a miscarriage can be rough as there is sometimes more stuff to lose (without being too graphic)
But I was not prepared for it being so much like reliving the miscarriage and so physically painful too.

I started back on my Clomid last night too, that was horrible as I really do suffer with side effects from it and it feels like another kick in the teeth to be having to take it again so soon.
We are due to see the fertility specialist next month, I say "We" but I have no idea whether it will be just me to see them again as hubby has not said a word each time I mention it and is still so moody it is not worth starting the whole debate until nearer the time.

I will be taking the Clomid until Monday (cd6) and then will need to start the whole hassle of testing for ovulation a week later.
I dread to think how many ovulation tests I must have taken on this journey but it must be at least 100 plus as I take several a day and as I ovulate late it goes on for most of each month.

My kids break up for half term soon and that is when I should have been having my 12 week scan, I try not to think of these dates etc as they cut too deep but I really cannot help it.

Anyway think I am babbling here, I am soooooo tired.

I will update again soon, wonder when I might ovulate THIS cycle, even on Clomid it is not consistant.

Still in no man's land

I am on cd (cycle day) 39 today, that is counting from the start of my miscarriage. I know not all women count that as a a proper cycle and obvious;y a miscarriage is not a period, but as we are trying to conceive again I thought it was the best way to keep some sort of track of what my body thinks it is doing, if it has a clue of course.
I got my positive opk on cd24 but I am all too aware that that does not guarentee that I released an egg at all. Counting from 2 days after that (allowing for 24 hours after positive opk to ovulate) today I am 14 dpo (days past ovulation) so should be due to start my next cycle today.
My luteal phase (the phase of cycle between ovulation and period) has been 14 days every cycle for ages no matter how long each cycle has been this has stayed the same.
I am not sure whether this is something the miscarriage might have an effect on, I hope not, it has taken more than enough away from me already to be honest and not only my baby.

I did break and take a First Response pregnancy test yesterday, only because the month I did get pregnant I managed to get my bfp (big fat positive) on 12/13dpo but it was negative. I have had people tell me it could be too early as it would depend on when anything might have implanted, but I am not holding my breath.
I just wish my dreaded period would come if I am not blessed this month so I can get on with it and start back on my horrible Clomid medication with all it's side effects.

I am due to see the fertility specialist again next month, I am not sure whether hubby will be coming with me this time, I would really like him to as apart from us meant to be in this together, he did not come to our last appointment back in December due to work. I am worried what they might say, whether they will say they cannot do anything else to help (NHS restrictions possibly) or that they will not see me anymore as I did manage to get pregnant.
Strangely a lot of people seem to think that is some sort of comfort, yes it is agony being so scared I will never get pregnant again, but to finally achieve that only to have it ripped away from me is torture and has left me with the fear that that was it, my one chance or that it will just keep happening.

I have mentioned the appointment more than once and he has not said a word, we even found out he is next due to get his INR (blood clotting) level checked at the hospital the same day.

I would have been 10 weeks pregnant yesterday, I know I am tormenting myself by keeping track of these things but I just cannot help it.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that in a couple of weeks time it would have been my scan, it was booked by the hospital for June 6th and I am dreading that day now.

It will be half term soon and although I have heard nothing from them I think my parents might actually visit me and the kids then, they still know nothing about the baby/loss and I cannot imagine sitting in a room with them. I have not been planning on telling them as I don't feel able to, but I think I might end up blurting it out to them.

I managed to go back to my Zumba class last week and am due to go again tonight, it was totally exhausting and I felt strangely emotional, luckily there were not as many people as usual there which was a bit better.

I am so up and down still, there is not a minute when little one is not on my mind and I feel totally isolated in this, I go online everyday to look for support, there is so little in the "real world"
One online group I am part of were having an interesting discussion last week about naming lost little ones and some of them had named theirs that they had lost as early as me, this has got me thinking about names, it is strange but the name Grace has kept coming to me, it is not a name I would ever have chosen myself but it just keeps popping into my head.
I have mentioned the naming thing to hubby but he was not keen, he felt it was morbid I think and said he prefers calling it bubba or little one like he would have if I was still pregnant.
Not totally sure what I think or feel, I struggle to let myself think about it.

So just to finish as things stand right now I am waiting for period (af) to start, I have not got any spotting or anything as yet.
I might take another pregnancy test tomorrow or the next day if nothing happens by then.
Will update....

Halfway through the two week wait I should not be having

I am now on cycle day 32 and counting from 2 days after my positive ovulation test I am halfway through my two week wait - 7DPO (Days Past Ovulation)
I HATE that I am back to this stage again when what I SHOULD be is 9 weeks 1 day pregnant today and looking forward to my first scan in  a few weeks time (It was booked for June 6th)

Yesterday it was exactly 1 month since my miscarriage. I got a letter back from the fertility department after I wrote to let them know what had happened.
The letter was nice of course but so hard seeing it in an official letter.
They have said I should just take my Clomid next cycle and as I am due to see them again on June 25th they did not say much else.

Hubby told me to order yet more ovulation tests as I have used soooooo many this cycle as I ovulated late and had been so worried about missing it and so had tested obsessively.
He kept saying he hoped I would not need them next cycle as he so hopes I fall pregnant again, but I am not getting my hopes up.
He seriously does not me to have to take Clomid again as I get quite serious side effects and really struggle with them, ass if needing to take them is not bad enough.
I do have a couple more First Response pregnany tests in the bathroom cabinet and did order another pack of the Clearblue digital ones too.
Going by the days past ovulation I am assuming my af (period) is due this coming weekend, but that is only if my luteal phase has routine has not been messed up by the miscarriage too as apparently it can mess everything up. I am hoping  it hasn't as it was early, but who knows.

When I got my so long yearned and tried for BFP last cycle it was on 12DPO, I had ovulated earlier on about cd16/17 so the cycle was not as long as this one will be.
I don't know when or even if I will test, I know my will power is rubbish so I probably will but part of me wants to put it off as seeing yet another BFN (Big Fat Negative) will kill me (I cannot even count how many of those I must have seen over 31 months (More than 2 and a half years)

I still have not felt able to tell my parents about the miscarriage and I don't know whether I will ever be able to which is a horrible feeling and very lonely.
Lonely is a feeling that remains constant at the moment, unbelievably lonely and invisable sums it up.

So for now there are no updates, but I will of course blog if and when there is anything to blog about.