Two months

I am just doing an update, I wanted to do it today as unbelievably it is exactly two months today since I lost my little one.
I can't decide whether that seems like a long time or not, but it just feels like I have been grieving for her forever, maybe that is due to having tried for her for such a long time.

I am saying her as when I think of the baby I seem to get this strong feeling it was a girl, I thought at first this was because I could not face thinking of the baby as a boy as then I could picture the baby looking like my 3 other boys and that is heartbreaking.
But lately when I have thought or dreamed about the baby the name Grace keeps coming to mind which is strange as it is not a name I have ever considered.

I have tried talking to hubby about this but he cannot handle the idea of names or of imagining what sex little one was and said I should just call it bubba or little one which is what I say when I talk to him or anyone about it.

So cycle wise today is CD22 and I am 8DPO, I am totally ignoring my body this month so not looking out for any signs or symptoms as it is too much to deal with.
This weekend we have my brother in laws birthday bar b que and then the next day we are probably going out for a meal with my parents for fathers day.
On fathers day I will be 12DPO which is when I got myfirst positive pregnancy test result with the little one so in theory I could take a test then as it will only be 2 or 3 days before period should be due.
I am in two minds whether to take it for many reasons.
I am obviously scare of yet more disappointment, but I am also terrified of finding out so early again only to lose it again.
But then one of the saddest things about losing my little one after trying for so long was that we never got the chance to celebrate the fact I had finally managed to get pregnant after all that time, we never got the chance to share the good news or even be congratulated, I know that might sound silly but it matters as on some level it is like my longed for baby never even exisited and that still kills me every day.

The other reason I feel I maybe should test are with the two get togethers at the weekend people will expect me to drink and being around so many people I will feel like drinking so obviously it would be great to know whether I could drink or not.
I still find these big get togethers so difficult, I have still not been able to tell my parents about little one which as much as I know is probably as hubby says my only option, still really hurts when I am sitting in a room (usually a pub or restaurant) with them knowing they do not have the slightest idea what their daughter is going through.
My mother in law knows and I told my brother in laws girlfriend (Because I got a bit upset when she askked how the trying to conceive was going) but I have no idea whether they have told anyone else in the family as nothing has been said.

I got a message from my lovely cousin saying she had guessed from things on Facebook what had happened, so although I have not mentioned it on there people must be able to guess maybe they can see the links etc I have liked, I don't know.
She was lovely about it bless her.

I have coped with some truly horrific things in my life but for some reason this is something I am struggling to get over and I do not feel like the same person any more.
I do not feel normal and have not felt so totally alone for years.
I need to try and get back to some normality but have no idea how and am finding it hard to reach out to anyone as I feel I am alone.

Sorry this blog has become a downer again but it is my only place to open up really.

Hubby is definitely coming with me to "My" fertility appointment (ass he refers to it as) in just under two weeks, I am starting to dread it as I have this massive fear they are going to say that once I finish my Clomid in two months time that that is it, no more help and I really feel I cannot get pregnant without it as I clearly for some reason despite what OPKs might say do NOT ovulate without it. I think the fact that I did not get pregnant at all until my third month on Clomid (the first Clomid month we were able to try properly due to hubby's awful illness)
proves that.

Maybe I will have to try to accept that my lost little one was my only chance and I blew it somehow.