I am on cd (cycle day) 39 today, that is counting from the start of my miscarriage. I know not all women count that as a a proper cycle and obvious;y a miscarriage is not a period, but as we are trying to conceive again I thought it was the best way to keep some sort of track of what my body thinks it is doing, if it has a clue of course.
I got my positive opk on cd24 but I am all too aware that that does not guarentee that I released an egg at all. Counting from 2 days after that (allowing for 24 hours after positive opk to ovulate) today I am 14 dpo (days past ovulation) so should be due to start my next cycle today.
My luteal phase (the phase of cycle between ovulation and period) has been 14 days every cycle for ages no matter how long each cycle has been this has stayed the same.
I am not sure whether this is something the miscarriage might have an effect on, I hope not, it has taken more than enough away from me already to be honest and not only my baby.
I did break and take a First Response pregnancy test yesterday, only because the month I did get pregnant I managed to get my bfp (big fat positive) on 12/13dpo but it was negative. I have had people tell me it could be too early as it would depend on when anything might have implanted, but I am not holding my breath.
I just wish my dreaded period would come if I am not blessed this month so I can get on with it and start back on my horrible Clomid medication with all it's side effects.
I am due to see the fertility specialist again next month, I am not sure whether hubby will be coming with me this time, I would really like him to as apart from us meant to be in this together, he did not come to our last appointment back in December due to work. I am worried what they might say, whether they will say they cannot do anything else to help (NHS restrictions possibly) or that they will not see me anymore as I did manage to get pregnant.
Strangely a lot of people seem to think that is some sort of comfort, yes it is agony being so scared I will never get pregnant again, but to finally achieve that only to have it ripped away from me is torture and has left me with the fear that that was it, my one chance or that it will just keep happening.
I have mentioned the appointment more than once and he has not said a word, we even found out he is next due to get his INR (blood clotting) level checked at the hospital the same day.
I would have been 10 weeks pregnant yesterday, I know I am tormenting myself by keeping track of these things but I just cannot help it.
I can't stop thinking about the fact that in a couple of weeks time it would have been my scan, it was booked by the hospital for June 6th and I am dreading that day now.
It will be half term soon and although I have heard nothing from them I think my parents might actually visit me and the kids then, they still know nothing about the baby/loss and I cannot imagine sitting in a room with them. I have not been planning on telling them as I don't feel able to, but I think I might end up blurting it out to them.
I managed to go back to my Zumba class last week and am due to go again tonight, it was totally exhausting and I felt strangely emotional, luckily there were not as many people as usual there which was a bit better.
I am so up and down still, there is not a minute when little one is not on my mind and I feel totally isolated in this, I go online everyday to look for support, there is so little in the "real world"
One online group I am part of were having an interesting discussion last week about naming lost little ones and some of them had named theirs that they had lost as early as me, this has got me thinking about names, it is strange but the name Grace has kept coming to me, it is not a name I would ever have chosen myself but it just keeps popping into my head.
I have mentioned the naming thing to hubby but he was not keen, he felt it was morbid I think and said he prefers calling it bubba or little one like he would have if I was still pregnant.
Not totally sure what I think or feel, I struggle to let myself think about it.
So just to finish as things stand right now I am waiting for period (af) to start, I have not got any spotting or anything as yet.
I might take another pregnancy test tomorrow or the next day if nothing happens by then.
Will update....
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