I cannot stop taking these poxy ovulation tests. I last wrote on my blog on Tuesday and since then I dread to think of how many of the little sticks and also the digital ones (what makes me think they are going to be any different I do not know)
I am torturing myself searching with a magnofying eye glass, desperate to see what I can call an even vaguely positive looking line and once or twice I have almost been able to fool myself that the line is a little darker or more red than the last one. But if I am honest there has been nothing like I have been getting on my normal cycles, especially the ones I have taken Clomid on to make me ovulate.
So now on top of everything else I am in limbo not knowing whether I have already ovulated, whether I am GOING to ovulate or when I might get that dreaded first period.
Hubby is still trying to seem positive which I know is only to try to keep me going, he really believes I will or have ovulated and will by some miracle fall pregnant without getting a period.
He says the only thing that is going to ease my pain will be getting pregnant again which really scares me as it already feels like nothing can ease this so IF I never manage to get pregnant again (which is a real fear after it taking years for it to happen this time) it will never get any easier.
Today is 3 weeks exactly since I lost my little one, I know that is not really any time at all but it feels like I have been in this hole for ages, it is actually hard to remember the last time I didn't feel unbelievably sad, actually that isn't strictly true, it was when that second pregnancy test came up with PREGNANT 1-2 WEEKS.
I am sorry this whole blog has become so depressing,but as the whole thing is about trying for baby number 4 and this was meant to be the end of that journey.
I have been writing this blog since January 2011 (17 months!) and I still can't believe that after everything I/we have been through.
All the doctors and then hospital appointments, month after month after month of ovulation tests and all the stress of taking them and them being negative, or thinking they are positive only to still end up with negative pregnancy tests, studying the tests with a magnifying glass to try to see the hint of a line that was never really there.
Then there was the trying any new gimmick or theory I have read about, this has included taking Soy Isoflavones for 3 months in the hope they would regulate my cycles and make me ovulate while waiting for the hospital to put me on something to help, then there was softcups, these things were meant to be an alternative to tampons and pads but the TTC community had discovered they could be used to help keep the swimmers close to where they need to be, we tried these for a couple of months but these made no difference either.
There was also the 2 types of special fertility lubricants we tried, Conceive Plus and Preseed, all these have done is make things a bit more comfortable but like everything else have not been the answer we were /I was looking for.
I also have to admit to the crushing hurt and jealousy I have felt everytime someone around me seemed to fall pregnant so easily and in all the time we have been trying you can imagine how many people that is, I smile and congratulate them all of course and I AM happy for them but I end up in tears every time and I feel guilty for that too.
There have also of course been the scary, degrading and uncomfortable hospital tests, these have included so many blood tests, ultrasounds (external and internal) hubby's 2 semen analysis, and of course the worst of them, the HSG xray with special dye injected into my tubes.
We have constantly worried about whether we were trying at the right time of the month or not, countless 2 week waits with 2 weeks of longing to and dreading taking yet another pregnancy test and trying to tell myself I have tested too early when the test is negative yet again and even when the period starts fooling myself it might be implantation bleeding instead, every single month for years.
Then there was the mixed emotions of being told it is me with the problem and being put on fertility drugs and all the risks and raised hopes they bring.
That feeling of taking them for the first time is something I will always remember, especially as hubby had been admitted to hospital the same day.
Of course there was the awful side effects of the drug, I seemed to get all of them and more, the disappointment of the negative test the second cycle of taking them hurt like hell as I knew nothing would happen the first month as hubby had been too ill to try much.
Then of course I tried very hard not to get my hopes up when it came to the 3rd month as it was to be the first month we would be able to try properly with the medication and amazingly it DID work, I WAS pregnant, but not for long and I can't help being scared that was IT the miracle I had been waiting such a long time for and I somehow blew it.
It just seems just too cruel after going through all of that that we finally got there only to have it ripped away and be left with this pain, as if secondary infertility is not agonising enough.
Hubby is getting really worried about me bless him as he sees I am not getting any better, but as he says it has only been 3 weeks and I have/am dealing with it mostly alone and I guess there are no rules on how to cope.
No comments:
Post a Comment