What is left of my heart is achingly desperate to be pregnant again. On the day I lost my little one I spoke to my doctor on the phone and he brought up the issue of trying again as he knows we have been trying for years and that I had now been put on fertility medication.
He said that they are told to advise people to wait for their first normal period after the loss, he said it was only so they would be able to be more accurate in working out dates.
He said that it should come four weeks afterwards, seems so clinical and so hard to believe things just somehow go back to "normal"
I have been searching for, I don't know, comfort, reassurance I guess from online as it seems that is the only place to find it. There really are some amazing women out there willing and wanting to show love and support to people they have never even met while they are themselves going through the same agony.
I have read other people's experiences of trying after going through this hell, but cannot find any comfort there as it seems to vary so much.
Some women seem to ovulate the perfect 14 days later and are amazingly able to conceive again as quickly as that.
Others ovulate and still get that dreaded period 4 weeks after their loss.
Then there are the women I am scared of joining, the ones who like me have been trying to conceive for such a long time and are obsessively taking ovulation tests only to never get that positive giving the hope that their fertility has not been further damaged, that not only has their baby been taken away, but also the hope of another too.
I am taking sooooo many ovulation tests I am driving myself more insane. Today is cycle day 18 if I count from that awful awful day and so far no positive result. It not only means I stand no chance of conceiving it also means my cycle will be even longer and more messed up.
Next cycle I have to start on my Clomid with its horrible side effects all over again.
It is another kick in the teeth to be back at square one with the whole secondary infertility hurt.
I have not heard anything back from the hospital, not that I think they will do anything anyway.
We went to see the inlaws this weekend, hubby had told them our bad news on the phone earlier in the week.
I was terrified of seeing them, just like I feel everytime I am seeing someone I have not seen since before this happened to me.
My mother in law hugged me as soon as we walked through the door like she always does and the tears instantly appeared in my eyes yet again.
She did not say anything just hugged a little tighter than usual.
She did ask hubby how I really was when they were alone and he says he told her I was "fragile" it's a word he keeps using to describe me and I guess is a pretty good one.
Father in law of course said nothing, not to me or his son, seems a lot of people who do not instantly know what to say think it better to say nothing.
My middle son is being fiercely protective of me and while it makes me so proud that he is so sensitive to people's feelings I do worry how it all affects him.
I am trying so hard to at least pretend to be back to some attempt at normality (whatever that is) mainly for my kids and hubby's sake who have more than enough to deal with.
I am even going to try going back to my Zumba classes this evening, not sure whether I will manage the whole hour and I know I will not manage the usual high energy, but I guess I have start somewhere.
Next day - update I just could not face Zumba in the end, feel a total failure but I just could not face a room full of people, my lovely, but pregnant instructor and I don't think I have enough energy in me for it either, so I didn't go in the end.
I think it makes it even harder that today should have been my antenatal booking in appointment at the hospital and that is killing me.
Just to rub yet more salt in the wound, I still have to go to the hospital as my youngest is having some teeth out under a general anaesthetic and today is his pre operative assessment.
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