Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) I FINALLY got my positive, but faint pregnancy test, (First Response) we were so surprised but scared to even believe it after trying for so long, I took a Clearblue digital pregnancy test the next morning and that too was positive, it said PREGNANT 1-2 weeks.
I literally could not stop shaking.
We were meeting hubby's family for a meal out later the same day, but hubby wanted to keep our news secret for a bit longer, it was sooooo hard sitting there with everyone, wanting to burst with this secret.
That evening we told our 3 boys who were all so excited, we knew it was early days but just could not keep the secret from them.
I was already getting symptoms, I was feeling queazy even before the tests, my boobs were bigger and painful and I had lost my appetite.
On the Wednesday I noticed light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom, I was worried but not surprised as I bled in early pregnancy with my last baby 10 years ago.
Then by Thursday the pink had turned red, I had some lower back pain, but as I have a prolapse I was not surprised by that either.
I wore pads all day but there was nothing on them, I tried to rest as much as I could which meant letting my poor kids down as I had planned to take them to the cinema. I left a pad on overnight, then on Friday morning I woke up and it was obvious the worst was happening.
I took my other Clearblue digital pregnancy test and it said NOT PREGNANT.
Hubby had left the house before I got out of bed and realised what was happening.
I sat in the bathroom calling him, my eldest son came and told me he had left the house and bless him he then phoned his dad and said I was crying and he didn't know what to do.
I had to tell him on the phone I was losing the baby.
He told me to have a bath and as I was getting out of the bath at about 7.45am he came home with a coffee for me.
He sat with me for about an hour before he went to work!!!
As it was still the Easter holidays I had all 3 kids home so after sitting in bed for another couple of hours (half an hour of that spent with my youngest who decided to join me) I had to get up for the kids.
Hubby had told the kids what had happened before he left for work the second time.
My youngest obviously does not totally understand why this is so sad, but my middle son is really upset and was crying a lot.
I phoned my gp as I was not sure what I was meant to be doing, I am amazed the receptionist managed to understand a word of what I was saying through my tears, but she did and the gp phoned me himself later that day.
He said as going by my dates I was only just under 5 weeks pregnant he did not need to see me and that if the bleeding got heavier or did not start to slow down by Monday I would need to go to A & E for a D & C.
He was very nice and told me we could try again as soon as I got my period in about 4 weeks time, he said they only advised waiting for the first proper cycle so they could date any pregnancy, but said to do whatever we felt.
I have been a wreck all weekend and still am, I feel like I am drowning and no one can see me.
I have had to try to carry on for the kids and this morning had to go with hubby for another of his hospital appointments.
It meant we had to drop our youngest off at breakfast club so I did not have face everyone in the playground, but I will have to later this afternoon and I feel physically sick at the thought.
I am deserpate to find a way to mark the fact my longed for baby EXISTED if even only for 5 weeks, because I had not had the chance to really tell people (including family) that I was pregnant I never got to celebrate the baby and it kills me as it is like it never existed.
Hubby has said he will tell his parents about it soon for that reason.
I am going to add a photo of my positive pregnancy test on here as a tribute to my baby too
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