When does it stop hurting?

I am really trying to pick myself up, I have had no choice but to get on with the day to day stuff, housework, hubby's hospital appointments, school runs, appointments with the kids etc but inside I just hurt!

I got my letter from the hospital this weekend, I knew it would come sooner or later but it was still like I have this massive bruise and someone was punching it so hard.
There was one letter giving the date of my ante-natal booking in appointment, for next Tuesday and it talked about meeting my midwife and having all my blood tests done,
the other letter in with it broke my heart, it gave the date for what would have been my first ultrasound scan, when I would get to see my such a long time longed for baby for the very first time, that would have been June 6th when I would have been 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I could not bring myself to talk to them on the phone or worse pop into the maternity department while at the hospital with my youngest son today and tell them I was not pregnant anymore, so I wrote them a letter telling them what has happened.

I also wrote to my fertility consultant telling him what had happened (My GP had advised me to let him know, I don't know why they could not do it for me but hey)
I have also mentioned in my letter to the fertility consultant that I have only ever been monitored via one cd21 blood test on one of the 3 months I have been on Clomid so far (I have another 3 months left of my prescriptionn)

We have decided not to wait for my first period to start trying again, my GP had said the only reason we would need to wait was to make it easier to date any pregnancy that might happen, but I am using my ovulation tests yet again and if anything somehow happens then they would be able to work out dates from that.

As much as I want/need to try again it is so sad and just reminds me what I have lost and the first time we tried I ended up in tears again.
We are planning to try to follow the same pattern of trying that we did last month, only this time I have not been able to take my Clomid as it needs to be taken from cycle day 2 and as it was not a period I was not able to take it, but if nothing happens for us and I do get my period in a few weeks time I will have to start back on my Clomid.
I am dreading that as I really struggle with the side effects as it is and everything I have read says the first period after a miscarriage is often much heavier and more painful, as I already have endometriosis mine are already horrendous.

I was really touched this weekend when I got a gift from the ladies I talk to in an online trying to conceive forum, they sent me this angel called Bright Star from Willow Tree 

We still have not told our families about the baby or losing him/her which really gets to me as it is so sad in some ways and seems insulting to baby, like they were never real and they were so real to me even if it was only for a short time.

Hubby thought it would be too upsetting to tell my family and he has said he will tell his "Eventually"

I have told him he can obviously tell them whenever he feels like it but I cannot face seeing them while they do not know as I just could not pretend everything is fine.

I am not even sure whether any of my emotions make sense as they are all over the place.

Physically I am still getting quite a bit of lower back pain so have not been able to go back to Zumba yet, I have missed 2 weeks.

I am not really losing anything else now so that is a good sign I guess and all pregnancy tests are now negative.