I am now on cycle day 32 and counting from 2 days after my positive ovulation test I am halfway through my two week wait - 7DPO (Days Past Ovulation)
I HATE that I am back to this stage again when what I SHOULD be is 9 weeks 1 day pregnant today and looking forward to my first scan in a few weeks time (It was booked for June 6th)
Yesterday it was exactly 1 month since my miscarriage. I got a letter back from the fertility department after I wrote to let them know what had happened.
The letter was nice of course but so hard seeing it in an official letter.
They have said I should just take my Clomid next cycle and as I am due to see them again on June 25th they did not say much else.
Hubby told me to order yet more ovulation tests as I have used soooooo many this cycle as I ovulated late and had been so worried about missing it and so had tested obsessively.
He kept saying he hoped I would not need them next cycle as he so hopes I fall pregnant again, but I am not getting my hopes up.
He seriously does not me to have to take Clomid again as I get quite serious side effects and really struggle with them, ass if needing to take them is not bad enough.
I do have a couple more First Response pregnany tests in the bathroom cabinet and did order another pack of the Clearblue digital ones too.
Going by the days past ovulation I am assuming my af (period) is due this coming weekend, but that is only if my luteal phase has routine has not been messed up by the miscarriage too as apparently it can mess everything up. I am hoping it hasn't as it was early, but who knows.
When I got my so long yearned and tried for BFP last cycle it was on 12DPO, I had ovulated earlier on about cd16/17 so the cycle was not as long as this one will be.
I don't know when or even if I will test, I know my will power is rubbish so I probably will but part of me wants to put it off as seeing yet another BFN (Big Fat Negative) will kill me (I cannot even count how many of those I must have seen over 31 months (More than 2 and a half years)
I still have not felt able to tell my parents about the miscarriage and I don't know whether I will ever be able to which is a horrible feeling and very lonely.
Lonely is a feeling that remains constant at the moment, unbelievably lonely and invisable sums it up.
So for now there are no updates, but I will of course blog if and when there is anything to blog about.
Monday, 14 May 2012
Sunday, 6 May 2012
A little light in the darkness
I just had to give a little update, as I said in my last blog I have been obsessively testing with ovulation tests for weeks and getting more and stressed as I have had what seemed to me to be possible ovulation symptoms only to have so many negative test results.
Well today is cycle day 24, I say cycle day as not sure what else to call it when you are counting days from something so awful.
After testing 3 times yesterday and getting negatives all day,I tested again this morning and was gutted and confused to get yet another negative.
I was down to my last test (having had 25 tests in the cupboard this cycle) and took that about 2pm this afternoon and got...
Well today is cycle day 24, I say cycle day as not sure what else to call it when you are counting days from something so awful.
After testing 3 times yesterday and getting negatives all day,I tested again this morning and was gutted and confused to get yet another negative.
I was down to my last test (having had 25 tests in the cupboard this cycle) and took that about 2pm this afternoon and got...
Yes...a positive OPK at last. I know it does not guarentee anything but it is the first tiny glimmer of hope I have had and I am clinging to it.
If nothing else it helps me to work out when my first period will be due (around May 21st)
So here we go again I guess.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Driving myself crazy
I cannot stop taking these poxy ovulation tests. I last wrote on my blog on Tuesday and since then I dread to think of how many of the little sticks and also the digital ones (what makes me think they are going to be any different I do not know)
I am torturing myself searching with a magnofying eye glass, desperate to see what I can call an even vaguely positive looking line and once or twice I have almost been able to fool myself that the line is a little darker or more red than the last one. But if I am honest there has been nothing like I have been getting on my normal cycles, especially the ones I have taken Clomid on to make me ovulate.
So now on top of everything else I am in limbo not knowing whether I have already ovulated, whether I am GOING to ovulate or when I might get that dreaded first period.
Hubby is still trying to seem positive which I know is only to try to keep me going, he really believes I will or have ovulated and will by some miracle fall pregnant without getting a period.
He says the only thing that is going to ease my pain will be getting pregnant again which really scares me as it already feels like nothing can ease this so IF I never manage to get pregnant again (which is a real fear after it taking years for it to happen this time) it will never get any easier.
Today is 3 weeks exactly since I lost my little one, I know that is not really any time at all but it feels like I have been in this hole for ages, it is actually hard to remember the last time I didn't feel unbelievably sad, actually that isn't strictly true, it was when that second pregnancy test came up with PREGNANT 1-2 WEEKS.
I am sorry this whole blog has become so depressing,but as the whole thing is about trying for baby number 4 and this was meant to be the end of that journey.
I have been writing this blog since January 2011 (17 months!) and I still can't believe that after everything I/we have been through.
All the doctors and then hospital appointments, month after month after month of ovulation tests and all the stress of taking them and them being negative, or thinking they are positive only to still end up with negative pregnancy tests, studying the tests with a magnifying glass to try to see the hint of a line that was never really there.
Then there was the trying any new gimmick or theory I have read about, this has included taking Soy Isoflavones for 3 months in the hope they would regulate my cycles and make me ovulate while waiting for the hospital to put me on something to help, then there was softcups, these things were meant to be an alternative to tampons and pads but the TTC community had discovered they could be used to help keep the swimmers close to where they need to be, we tried these for a couple of months but these made no difference either.
There was also the 2 types of special fertility lubricants we tried, Conceive Plus and Preseed, all these have done is make things a bit more comfortable but like everything else have not been the answer we were /I was looking for.
I also have to admit to the crushing hurt and jealousy I have felt everytime someone around me seemed to fall pregnant so easily and in all the time we have been trying you can imagine how many people that is, I smile and congratulate them all of course and I AM happy for them but I end up in tears every time and I feel guilty for that too.
There have also of course been the scary, degrading and uncomfortable hospital tests, these have included so many blood tests, ultrasounds (external and internal) hubby's 2 semen analysis, and of course the worst of them, the HSG xray with special dye injected into my tubes.
We have constantly worried about whether we were trying at the right time of the month or not, countless 2 week waits with 2 weeks of longing to and dreading taking yet another pregnancy test and trying to tell myself I have tested too early when the test is negative yet again and even when the period starts fooling myself it might be implantation bleeding instead, every single month for years.
Then there was the mixed emotions of being told it is me with the problem and being put on fertility drugs and all the risks and raised hopes they bring.
That feeling of taking them for the first time is something I will always remember, especially as hubby had been admitted to hospital the same day.
Of course there was the awful side effects of the drug, I seemed to get all of them and more, the disappointment of the negative test the second cycle of taking them hurt like hell as I knew nothing would happen the first month as hubby had been too ill to try much.
Then of course I tried very hard not to get my hopes up when it came to the 3rd month as it was to be the first month we would be able to try properly with the medication and amazingly it DID work, I WAS pregnant, but not for long and I can't help being scared that was IT the miracle I had been waiting such a long time for and I somehow blew it.
It just seems just too cruel after going through all of that that we finally got there only to have it ripped away and be left with this pain, as if secondary infertility is not agonising enough.
Hubby is getting really worried about me bless him as he sees I am not getting any better, but as he says it has only been 3 weeks and I have/am dealing with it mostly alone and I guess there are no rules on how to cope.
I am torturing myself searching with a magnofying eye glass, desperate to see what I can call an even vaguely positive looking line and once or twice I have almost been able to fool myself that the line is a little darker or more red than the last one. But if I am honest there has been nothing like I have been getting on my normal cycles, especially the ones I have taken Clomid on to make me ovulate.
So now on top of everything else I am in limbo not knowing whether I have already ovulated, whether I am GOING to ovulate or when I might get that dreaded first period.
Hubby is still trying to seem positive which I know is only to try to keep me going, he really believes I will or have ovulated and will by some miracle fall pregnant without getting a period.
He says the only thing that is going to ease my pain will be getting pregnant again which really scares me as it already feels like nothing can ease this so IF I never manage to get pregnant again (which is a real fear after it taking years for it to happen this time) it will never get any easier.
Today is 3 weeks exactly since I lost my little one, I know that is not really any time at all but it feels like I have been in this hole for ages, it is actually hard to remember the last time I didn't feel unbelievably sad, actually that isn't strictly true, it was when that second pregnancy test came up with PREGNANT 1-2 WEEKS.
I am sorry this whole blog has become so depressing,but as the whole thing is about trying for baby number 4 and this was meant to be the end of that journey.
I have been writing this blog since January 2011 (17 months!) and I still can't believe that after everything I/we have been through.
All the doctors and then hospital appointments, month after month after month of ovulation tests and all the stress of taking them and them being negative, or thinking they are positive only to still end up with negative pregnancy tests, studying the tests with a magnifying glass to try to see the hint of a line that was never really there.
Then there was the trying any new gimmick or theory I have read about, this has included taking Soy Isoflavones for 3 months in the hope they would regulate my cycles and make me ovulate while waiting for the hospital to put me on something to help, then there was softcups, these things were meant to be an alternative to tampons and pads but the TTC community had discovered they could be used to help keep the swimmers close to where they need to be, we tried these for a couple of months but these made no difference either.
There was also the 2 types of special fertility lubricants we tried, Conceive Plus and Preseed, all these have done is make things a bit more comfortable but like everything else have not been the answer we were /I was looking for.
I also have to admit to the crushing hurt and jealousy I have felt everytime someone around me seemed to fall pregnant so easily and in all the time we have been trying you can imagine how many people that is, I smile and congratulate them all of course and I AM happy for them but I end up in tears every time and I feel guilty for that too.
There have also of course been the scary, degrading and uncomfortable hospital tests, these have included so many blood tests, ultrasounds (external and internal) hubby's 2 semen analysis, and of course the worst of them, the HSG xray with special dye injected into my tubes.
We have constantly worried about whether we were trying at the right time of the month or not, countless 2 week waits with 2 weeks of longing to and dreading taking yet another pregnancy test and trying to tell myself I have tested too early when the test is negative yet again and even when the period starts fooling myself it might be implantation bleeding instead, every single month for years.
Then there was the mixed emotions of being told it is me with the problem and being put on fertility drugs and all the risks and raised hopes they bring.
That feeling of taking them for the first time is something I will always remember, especially as hubby had been admitted to hospital the same day.
Of course there was the awful side effects of the drug, I seemed to get all of them and more, the disappointment of the negative test the second cycle of taking them hurt like hell as I knew nothing would happen the first month as hubby had been too ill to try much.
Then of course I tried very hard not to get my hopes up when it came to the 3rd month as it was to be the first month we would be able to try properly with the medication and amazingly it DID work, I WAS pregnant, but not for long and I can't help being scared that was IT the miracle I had been waiting such a long time for and I somehow blew it.
It just seems just too cruel after going through all of that that we finally got there only to have it ripped away and be left with this pain, as if secondary infertility is not agonising enough.
Hubby is getting really worried about me bless him as he sees I am not getting any better, but as he says it has only been 3 weeks and I have/am dealing with it mostly alone and I guess there are no rules on how to cope.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Waiting, more and more waiting
What is left of my heart is achingly desperate to be pregnant again. On the day I lost my little one I spoke to my doctor on the phone and he brought up the issue of trying again as he knows we have been trying for years and that I had now been put on fertility medication.
He said that they are told to advise people to wait for their first normal period after the loss, he said it was only so they would be able to be more accurate in working out dates.
He said that it should come four weeks afterwards, seems so clinical and so hard to believe things just somehow go back to "normal"
I have been searching for, I don't know, comfort, reassurance I guess from online as it seems that is the only place to find it. There really are some amazing women out there willing and wanting to show love and support to people they have never even met while they are themselves going through the same agony.
I have read other people's experiences of trying after going through this hell, but cannot find any comfort there as it seems to vary so much.
Some women seem to ovulate the perfect 14 days later and are amazingly able to conceive again as quickly as that.
Others ovulate and still get that dreaded period 4 weeks after their loss.
Then there are the women I am scared of joining, the ones who like me have been trying to conceive for such a long time and are obsessively taking ovulation tests only to never get that positive giving the hope that their fertility has not been further damaged, that not only has their baby been taken away, but also the hope of another too.
I am taking sooooo many ovulation tests I am driving myself more insane. Today is cycle day 18 if I count from that awful awful day and so far no positive result. It not only means I stand no chance of conceiving it also means my cycle will be even longer and more messed up.
Next cycle I have to start on my Clomid with its horrible side effects all over again.
It is another kick in the teeth to be back at square one with the whole secondary infertility hurt.
I have not heard anything back from the hospital, not that I think they will do anything anyway.
We went to see the inlaws this weekend, hubby had told them our bad news on the phone earlier in the week.
I was terrified of seeing them, just like I feel everytime I am seeing someone I have not seen since before this happened to me.
My mother in law hugged me as soon as we walked through the door like she always does and the tears instantly appeared in my eyes yet again.
She did not say anything just hugged a little tighter than usual.
She did ask hubby how I really was when they were alone and he says he told her I was "fragile" it's a word he keeps using to describe me and I guess is a pretty good one.
Father in law of course said nothing, not to me or his son, seems a lot of people who do not instantly know what to say think it better to say nothing.
My middle son is being fiercely protective of me and while it makes me so proud that he is so sensitive to people's feelings I do worry how it all affects him.
I am trying so hard to at least pretend to be back to some attempt at normality (whatever that is) mainly for my kids and hubby's sake who have more than enough to deal with.
I am even going to try going back to my Zumba classes this evening, not sure whether I will manage the whole hour and I know I will not manage the usual high energy, but I guess I have start somewhere.
Next day - update I just could not face Zumba in the end, feel a total failure but I just could not face a room full of people, my lovely, but pregnant instructor and I don't think I have enough energy in me for it either, so I didn't go in the end.
I think it makes it even harder that today should have been my antenatal booking in appointment at the hospital and that is killing me.
Just to rub yet more salt in the wound, I still have to go to the hospital as my youngest is having some teeth out under a general anaesthetic and today is his pre operative assessment.
He said that they are told to advise people to wait for their first normal period after the loss, he said it was only so they would be able to be more accurate in working out dates.
He said that it should come four weeks afterwards, seems so clinical and so hard to believe things just somehow go back to "normal"
I have been searching for, I don't know, comfort, reassurance I guess from online as it seems that is the only place to find it. There really are some amazing women out there willing and wanting to show love and support to people they have never even met while they are themselves going through the same agony.
I have read other people's experiences of trying after going through this hell, but cannot find any comfort there as it seems to vary so much.
Some women seem to ovulate the perfect 14 days later and are amazingly able to conceive again as quickly as that.
Others ovulate and still get that dreaded period 4 weeks after their loss.
Then there are the women I am scared of joining, the ones who like me have been trying to conceive for such a long time and are obsessively taking ovulation tests only to never get that positive giving the hope that their fertility has not been further damaged, that not only has their baby been taken away, but also the hope of another too.
I am taking sooooo many ovulation tests I am driving myself more insane. Today is cycle day 18 if I count from that awful awful day and so far no positive result. It not only means I stand no chance of conceiving it also means my cycle will be even longer and more messed up.
Next cycle I have to start on my Clomid with its horrible side effects all over again.
It is another kick in the teeth to be back at square one with the whole secondary infertility hurt.
I have not heard anything back from the hospital, not that I think they will do anything anyway.
We went to see the inlaws this weekend, hubby had told them our bad news on the phone earlier in the week.
I was terrified of seeing them, just like I feel everytime I am seeing someone I have not seen since before this happened to me.
My mother in law hugged me as soon as we walked through the door like she always does and the tears instantly appeared in my eyes yet again.
She did not say anything just hugged a little tighter than usual.
She did ask hubby how I really was when they were alone and he says he told her I was "fragile" it's a word he keeps using to describe me and I guess is a pretty good one.
Father in law of course said nothing, not to me or his son, seems a lot of people who do not instantly know what to say think it better to say nothing.
My middle son is being fiercely protective of me and while it makes me so proud that he is so sensitive to people's feelings I do worry how it all affects him.
I am trying so hard to at least pretend to be back to some attempt at normality (whatever that is) mainly for my kids and hubby's sake who have more than enough to deal with.
I am even going to try going back to my Zumba classes this evening, not sure whether I will manage the whole hour and I know I will not manage the usual high energy, but I guess I have start somewhere.
Next day - update I just could not face Zumba in the end, feel a total failure but I just could not face a room full of people, my lovely, but pregnant instructor and I don't think I have enough energy in me for it either, so I didn't go in the end.
I think it makes it even harder that today should have been my antenatal booking in appointment at the hospital and that is killing me.
Just to rub yet more salt in the wound, I still have to go to the hospital as my youngest is having some teeth out under a general anaesthetic and today is his pre operative assessment.
Monday, 23 April 2012
When does it stop hurting?
I am really trying to pick myself up, I have had no choice but to get on with the day to day stuff, housework, hubby's hospital appointments, school runs, appointments with the kids etc but inside I just hurt!
I got my letter from the hospital this weekend, I knew it would come sooner or later but it was still like I have this massive bruise and someone was punching it so hard.
There was one letter giving the date of my ante-natal booking in appointment, for next Tuesday and it talked about meeting my midwife and having all my blood tests done,
the other letter in with it broke my heart, it gave the date for what would have been my first ultrasound scan, when I would get to see my such a long time longed for baby for the very first time, that would have been June 6th when I would have been 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
I could not bring myself to talk to them on the phone or worse pop into the maternity department while at the hospital with my youngest son today and tell them I was not pregnant anymore, so I wrote them a letter telling them what has happened.
I also wrote to my fertility consultant telling him what had happened (My GP had advised me to let him know, I don't know why they could not do it for me but hey)
I have also mentioned in my letter to the fertility consultant that I have only ever been monitored via one cd21 blood test on one of the 3 months I have been on Clomid so far (I have another 3 months left of my prescriptionn)
We have decided not to wait for my first period to start trying again, my GP had said the only reason we would need to wait was to make it easier to date any pregnancy that might happen, but I am using my ovulation tests yet again and if anything somehow happens then they would be able to work out dates from that.
As much as I want/need to try again it is so sad and just reminds me what I have lost and the first time we tried I ended up in tears again.
We are planning to try to follow the same pattern of trying that we did last month, only this time I have not been able to take my Clomid as it needs to be taken from cycle day 2 and as it was not a period I was not able to take it, but if nothing happens for us and I do get my period in a few weeks time I will have to start back on my Clomid.
I am dreading that as I really struggle with the side effects as it is and everything I have read says the first period after a miscarriage is often much heavier and more painful, as I already have endometriosis mine are already horrendous.
I was really touched this weekend when I got a gift from the ladies I talk to in an online trying to conceive forum, they sent me this angel called Bright Star from Willow Tree
I got my letter from the hospital this weekend, I knew it would come sooner or later but it was still like I have this massive bruise and someone was punching it so hard.
There was one letter giving the date of my ante-natal booking in appointment, for next Tuesday and it talked about meeting my midwife and having all my blood tests done,
the other letter in with it broke my heart, it gave the date for what would have been my first ultrasound scan, when I would get to see my such a long time longed for baby for the very first time, that would have been June 6th when I would have been 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
I could not bring myself to talk to them on the phone or worse pop into the maternity department while at the hospital with my youngest son today and tell them I was not pregnant anymore, so I wrote them a letter telling them what has happened.
I also wrote to my fertility consultant telling him what had happened (My GP had advised me to let him know, I don't know why they could not do it for me but hey)
I have also mentioned in my letter to the fertility consultant that I have only ever been monitored via one cd21 blood test on one of the 3 months I have been on Clomid so far (I have another 3 months left of my prescriptionn)
We have decided not to wait for my first period to start trying again, my GP had said the only reason we would need to wait was to make it easier to date any pregnancy that might happen, but I am using my ovulation tests yet again and if anything somehow happens then they would be able to work out dates from that.
As much as I want/need to try again it is so sad and just reminds me what I have lost and the first time we tried I ended up in tears again.
We are planning to try to follow the same pattern of trying that we did last month, only this time I have not been able to take my Clomid as it needs to be taken from cycle day 2 and as it was not a period I was not able to take it, but if nothing happens for us and I do get my period in a few weeks time I will have to start back on my Clomid.
I am dreading that as I really struggle with the side effects as it is and everything I have read says the first period after a miscarriage is often much heavier and more painful, as I already have endometriosis mine are already horrendous.
I was really touched this weekend when I got a gift from the ladies I talk to in an online trying to conceive forum, they sent me this angel called Bright Star from Willow Tree
We still have not told our families about the baby or losing him/her which really gets to me as it is so sad in some ways and seems insulting to baby, like they were never real and they were so real to me even if it was only for a short time.
Hubby thought it would be too upsetting to tell my family and he has said he will tell his "Eventually"
I have told him he can obviously tell them whenever he feels like it but I cannot face seeing them while they do not know as I just could not pretend everything is fine.
I am not even sure whether any of my emotions make sense as they are all over the place.
Physically I am still getting quite a bit of lower back pain so have not been able to go back to Zumba yet, I have missed 2 weeks.
I am not really losing anything else now so that is a good sign I guess and all pregnancy tests are now negative.
Monday, 16 April 2012
This is for my baby
I wanted you too much
I think my heart knows why you just had to go
Has to be because I had longed for you so.
Wanting anything so much is just tempting fate.
So strong my yearning, my pain just as great.
Month after month of negative tests
Yet still your daddy hoped for the best.
Nearly three years of being told no.
You can’t imagine the thrill as that line started to show.
I didn’t believe it could really be true.
But that second test screamed we had finally made you.
I couldn’t stop shaking from the joy and the fear.
Something so precious and fragile was here.
We wanted time to get our heads around it.
Before the chance to be able to shout it.
To tell the world I was pregnant at last.
But my heart was lifted, then broken so fast.
Empty, hurting in every way I could be.
Finding it hard not to blame it on me.
Was it my fault we will never touch.
My baby gone I wanted you too much.
Heartbroken
I can't even believe what I am having to write.
Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) I FINALLY got my positive, but faint pregnancy test, (First Response) we were so surprised but scared to even believe it after trying for so long, I took a Clearblue digital pregnancy test the next morning and that too was positive, it said PREGNANT 1-2 weeks.
I literally could not stop shaking.
We were meeting hubby's family for a meal out later the same day, but hubby wanted to keep our news secret for a bit longer, it was sooooo hard sitting there with everyone, wanting to burst with this secret.
That evening we told our 3 boys who were all so excited, we knew it was early days but just could not keep the secret from them.
I was already getting symptoms, I was feeling queazy even before the tests, my boobs were bigger and painful and I had lost my appetite.
On the Wednesday I noticed light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom, I was worried but not surprised as I bled in early pregnancy with my last baby 10 years ago.
Then by Thursday the pink had turned red, I had some lower back pain, but as I have a prolapse I was not surprised by that either.
I wore pads all day but there was nothing on them, I tried to rest as much as I could which meant letting my poor kids down as I had planned to take them to the cinema. I left a pad on overnight, then on Friday morning I woke up and it was obvious the worst was happening.
I took my other Clearblue digital pregnancy test and it said NOT PREGNANT.
Hubby had left the house before I got out of bed and realised what was happening.
I sat in the bathroom calling him, my eldest son came and told me he had left the house and bless him he then phoned his dad and said I was crying and he didn't know what to do.
I had to tell him on the phone I was losing the baby.
He told me to have a bath and as I was getting out of the bath at about 7.45am he came home with a coffee for me.
He sat with me for about an hour before he went to work!!!
As it was still the Easter holidays I had all 3 kids home so after sitting in bed for another couple of hours (half an hour of that spent with my youngest who decided to join me) I had to get up for the kids.
Hubby had told the kids what had happened before he left for work the second time.
My youngest obviously does not totally understand why this is so sad, but my middle son is really upset and was crying a lot.
I phoned my gp as I was not sure what I was meant to be doing, I am amazed the receptionist managed to understand a word of what I was saying through my tears, but she did and the gp phoned me himself later that day.
He said as going by my dates I was only just under 5 weeks pregnant he did not need to see me and that if the bleeding got heavier or did not start to slow down by Monday I would need to go to A & E for a D & C.
He was very nice and told me we could try again as soon as I got my period in about 4 weeks time, he said they only advised waiting for the first proper cycle so they could date any pregnancy, but said to do whatever we felt.
I have been a wreck all weekend and still am, I feel like I am drowning and no one can see me.
I have had to try to carry on for the kids and this morning had to go with hubby for another of his hospital appointments.
It meant we had to drop our youngest off at breakfast club so I did not have face everyone in the playground, but I will have to later this afternoon and I feel physically sick at the thought.
I am deserpate to find a way to mark the fact my longed for baby EXISTED if even only for 5 weeks, because I had not had the chance to really tell people (including family) that I was pregnant I never got to celebrate the baby and it kills me as it is like it never existed.
Hubby has said he will tell his parents about it soon for that reason.
I am going to add a photo of my positive pregnancy test on here as a tribute to my baby too
Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) I FINALLY got my positive, but faint pregnancy test, (First Response) we were so surprised but scared to even believe it after trying for so long, I took a Clearblue digital pregnancy test the next morning and that too was positive, it said PREGNANT 1-2 weeks.
I literally could not stop shaking.
We were meeting hubby's family for a meal out later the same day, but hubby wanted to keep our news secret for a bit longer, it was sooooo hard sitting there with everyone, wanting to burst with this secret.
That evening we told our 3 boys who were all so excited, we knew it was early days but just could not keep the secret from them.
I was already getting symptoms, I was feeling queazy even before the tests, my boobs were bigger and painful and I had lost my appetite.
On the Wednesday I noticed light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom, I was worried but not surprised as I bled in early pregnancy with my last baby 10 years ago.
Then by Thursday the pink had turned red, I had some lower back pain, but as I have a prolapse I was not surprised by that either.
I wore pads all day but there was nothing on them, I tried to rest as much as I could which meant letting my poor kids down as I had planned to take them to the cinema. I left a pad on overnight, then on Friday morning I woke up and it was obvious the worst was happening.
I took my other Clearblue digital pregnancy test and it said NOT PREGNANT.
Hubby had left the house before I got out of bed and realised what was happening.
I sat in the bathroom calling him, my eldest son came and told me he had left the house and bless him he then phoned his dad and said I was crying and he didn't know what to do.
I had to tell him on the phone I was losing the baby.
He told me to have a bath and as I was getting out of the bath at about 7.45am he came home with a coffee for me.
He sat with me for about an hour before he went to work!!!
As it was still the Easter holidays I had all 3 kids home so after sitting in bed for another couple of hours (half an hour of that spent with my youngest who decided to join me) I had to get up for the kids.
Hubby had told the kids what had happened before he left for work the second time.
My youngest obviously does not totally understand why this is so sad, but my middle son is really upset and was crying a lot.
I phoned my gp as I was not sure what I was meant to be doing, I am amazed the receptionist managed to understand a word of what I was saying through my tears, but she did and the gp phoned me himself later that day.
He said as going by my dates I was only just under 5 weeks pregnant he did not need to see me and that if the bleeding got heavier or did not start to slow down by Monday I would need to go to A & E for a D & C.
He was very nice and told me we could try again as soon as I got my period in about 4 weeks time, he said they only advised waiting for the first proper cycle so they could date any pregnancy, but said to do whatever we felt.
I have been a wreck all weekend and still am, I feel like I am drowning and no one can see me.
I have had to try to carry on for the kids and this morning had to go with hubby for another of his hospital appointments.
It meant we had to drop our youngest off at breakfast club so I did not have face everyone in the playground, but I will have to later this afternoon and I feel physically sick at the thought.
I am deserpate to find a way to mark the fact my longed for baby EXISTED if even only for 5 weeks, because I had not had the chance to really tell people (including family) that I was pregnant I never got to celebrate the baby and it kills me as it is like it never existed.
Hubby has said he will tell his parents about it soon for that reason.
I am going to add a photo of my positive pregnancy test on here as a tribute to my baby too
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