Less than a week to go

Till my second fertility specialist appointment that is.
Today is Tuesday and my appointment is on Monday and I have to say I am already starting to get worried whenever I let myself think about it.
My hubby definitely cannot make it to the appointment this time due to work commitments, I am very lucky a lovely friend of mine offered to change her hours at work for the day and is coming with me.
I am going to have to take a notebook with me to write stuff down for hubby, especially details of my test results and also his recent semen analysis as I know I will struggle to take it all in without him there.

This is the last week of term for my boys so they will be home when I have my appointment, but the older 2 are now old enough to stay with the younger one for a little while.
I am glad the appointment will be over with in time for Xmas, but am so worried I will leave the appointment no better off and am scared of being fobbed off.
I willl be 37 in March and while I know some people will say this is still young, fertility wise it really isn't and the fact that this time we have been trying to conceive for so long with no luck cannot be a good sign.
My cycles are still totally irregular which is not how they used to be and I have also noticed that my actual periods are getting shorter which really worries me too as I am worried I might be starting some sort of peri menopause and yet again have been researching and these are all possible signs and apparently anything under 40 is considered early menopause, I also discovered that this peri menopause thing can last anything up to 10 years before going into full menopause and they only confirm full menopause when you have not had a period for 12 months.

I went to Zumba last night with a friend, on the way there in her car with another friend of hers we were talking about my problems conceiving and I was so surprised and happy to hear the other lady saying that she can imagine some people saying it cannot be that bad or upsetting as I already have 3 kids, but that she could imagine that it does not actually mean it hurts any less.
It was so nice to hear someone actually able to empathise and not just spout insensitive comments.

I keep bumping into people I have not seen for quite a while who I told ages ago we were trying for another baby and it is really hard as they either assume we have changed our minds about trying or they try to joke around saying things like "Wow , you STILL not pregnant?" etc.
Also I still regularly go on a chat forum I have been going on all year and now I am seeing women who started trying after me or around the same time and are now giving birth or getting close to it, it just reminds me exactly how long we have been trying for.

As Christmas is coming we will soon be getting together with hubbys family, we have not seen some of them since the Summer when we told then we are trying for a baby so I know the conversation will come round to it at some point and while I would be a bit put out of no one mentioned it as it is so important to me, I can imagine how upsetting the conversation might be.

Hubby bless him still says he believes we will have another baby, but I am less and less convinced and I do wonder whether he really is as sure as he claims, or whether he is just trying to stay positive for me as he can see I am losing faith.
He has admitted it is taking a lot longer than he thought it would and that he was sure I would at least have been pregnant by Christmas and I am not even close.
Some of my friends have even given up asking me how things are going, maybe because they too are losing faith and just don't want to upset me by asking as they know I am not falling pregnant because they know me well enough to know if I was I would be shouting it from the roof tops.

So to give a little update, today is cycle day 10 and I have started testing with ovulation tests, I am hoping the earlier and higher dose I took of soya isoflavones this cycle MIGHT make me get an earlier positive OPK and hopefully I might actually ovulate as despite getting positive opks, I am not convinced I am.

We will see....

Maybe I shouldn't blog when upset, but...

I have to let these feelings out.

As you can probably guess, I don't have any good news for this month either, sorry.

It is cycle day 32 and as I got my positive ovulation prediction test result on day 18, counting from day 20 when it went back to being negative, today I am about 13 days past ovulation.
I even took soya isoflavones this cycle, I took 100mg from day 5 to day 9, not sure whether I need to think of trying taking them earlier, a larger dose, or both!

Well today I have not only started light pink spotting, but I took an internet cheapie pregnancy test a bit earlier this afternoon and it could not have been any more negative if it tried.

I have my second appointment with the fertility specialist in just over two weeks, but I have to say right now I am dreading it and am starting to really get scared of what they might say.
To make it harder, hubby cannot make it this time due to work he cannot get out of.
I thought about changing the appointment but anyone reading this blog will know I was originally meant to be having this appointment in November, but the hospital cancelled and changed it to mid January and now they have given me an earlier appointment (After I complained) I cannot really changed it as who knows how long I would have to wait.

My lovely friend offered and has changed her working hours so she can come with me for support which is amazing of her.
Hubby will be doing his repeat semen analysis next week so the specialist will have all the results ready in time for my appointment hopefully, I know he said he needed this done a month before the appointment, but as the appointment was changed late we do not have a month, but hopefully will be ok as I know they do their analysis within an hour of it being given to them.

It would have been so lovely to have been pregnant for xmas like I was with my last baby, but right now what is the most painful is  how long it is taking and this niggling fear that it just is not going to happen.

I have to drag myself out in the horriblw weather soon to collect my youngest from school and give him an extra cuddle, but just wanted to update my blog quickly.

Seeing how it goes

Hello anyone out there reading this, before I go on I just wanted to say I hope your TTC journey's are going well, I say this because it has occured to me that anyone reading this might be doing so because they are also trying to conceive a baby so just wanted to take a moment to think of you too.

Anyway back to business lol
I DID take the soya isoflavones from cd5 untill cd9, I took 100mg each night just before I went to bed, I took them at bedtime as I was a bit worried about any possible side effects.
After taking them for a few days I did notice I felt a little out of it and groggy, but not so bad I could not cope with it.
I decided to take the 100mg as the tablets I took were 50mg and although I had read about people taking 200mg I was a bit worried as it was my first time taking them and did not want to take a massive dose straight away.
The plan was to see whether they made any difference this cycle and think about upping the dose for my  next cycle.

So I stopped taking them after cd9 and started taking internet cheapie ovulation tests the next day and got a positive result on cd18 and cd19.
I have had a positive on cd18 before but it is more common for me to have it closer to cd21 or later.
I also normally get positives for about 3 days in a row before they turn negative and this cycle it was only clearlt positive for 2 days so whether that means anything I don't know.

We have been doing the deed as they say every few days and we also did it the day before the first positive opk and then the next day (The day of the first positive) then have gone back to every few days.
Going by the online cycle calculator because I got an earlier positive opk my next period (AF) is due a little earlier, December 2nd, but it is so hard to know as my cycle lengths vary soooo much these days which seriously stresses me out as I keep getting my hopes up every month only to have them smashed time and time again.

I can't believe it is nearly a whole year since hubby finally agreed to start trying for another PROPERLY again (and final, his words) baby after longing for one for so long.
But it does hurt that after all this time and everything that we have tried, I have got absolutely nowhere and am no better off than I was last year.
Next Monday SHOULD have been our hospital appointment and we should have been finally getting the all important test results and deciding on the next step and now we are having to wait untill January :(

This cycle I have not even bought a single pregnancy test and have no plans to do so as I doubt I will need one, it will be the first month I have not bought one since this journey started.
So I guess we really are just seeing how it goes....

Positive step

Thought I would do a quick little update, nooo I am still NOT pregnant, but I am taking what I hope is a bit of a positive, proactive step in the right direction.

As you know I have been let down and disappointed by the hospital and instead of seeing the fertility specialist at the end of this month, I am now not going to get to see him until January.
I am/was hoping that at this appointment he would be trying me on Clomid to help me to ovulate.

Through all my research and my lovely online forum friends I found out about Soya Isoflavones which are nicknamed "Nature's own Clomid" and are also meant to help with ovulation when taken for 5 days at the start of the cycle.

So today is cd8 and I have been taking 100mg of these since cd5 and tomorrow is my last dose for this cycle. I will then start testing for ovulation with my bargain internet cheapie ovulation tests to see whether they help me to get a positive result any earlier than I normally get (ie cd19 to cd27)
As far as side effects go I am getting a little light headed and didn't feel too well yesterday evening.

I take the tablets just before I go to bed to hopefully reduce any side effects and I am taking a smaller dose than I have read about some people taking.
So will see how it goes...

Nope, that didn't work either

I honestly DID try not to get my hope up for this cycle despite all the encouraging words from the lady who did my HSG tube jet wash as she called it at the end of September.
I am trying my hardest not to resent my hubby for this because after getting my positive ovulation test late on day 26 of my cycle we only "tried" ONCE as he just did not want to after that which of course seriously upset and worried me as I cannot help worrying he might just suddenly change his mind about wanting this baby (He promises this is NOT the case)
We did in fact end up having a bit of an argument about why he was not interested at the most important time of my cycle, apparently he had got fed up with it all having to be so "clinical"
Bit unfair after we have been trying for so long and as anyone else struggling with any form of infertility knows you NEED to try at your most fertile times to stand any chance of getting pregnant.
I do understand it is not nice to have to be so clinical about timing but it cannot be helped and it is not like it all month long.

To make it worse and to torture me just a little bit more, my cycle decided to go from being around the 32/36 mark to being 41 days so I gave in and took a pregnancy test which of course was negative, but I still had the glimmer of hope I am constantly foolish enough to let myself have, thinking it might be too early as I was only about 12 days past ovulation.
But then the next evening I started spotting and by yesterday I knew it was over yet again and now today I am in absolute agony and feeling so low.

It might have been a little less painful if I still had the knowledge of having my fertility appointment at the end of this month (November) but of course as you know the hospital so kindly decided to cancel that and put it off for another 3 MONTHS!

So unfortunately another negative blog today, sorry I wish with all my heart it was different, but yet again I am at the stage where I am meant to be being all positive and planning ahead to the next cycle and believing it will be THE one.
But I have always wanted to try to be honest with my blog...
I do NOT feel hopeful or positive for my next cycle, I only see more disappointment ahead of me and because of this I am NOT planning on testing for ovulation or anything like that at the moment and no I am not doing it this way in the vain hope that by not actively trying I will magically become pregnant because after trying everything and failing I do not see how trying nothing could possibly work.

The only thing we might do this month is get hubby semen analysis repeated as requested by the fertility specialist back at our first appointment at the beginning of August.

So who knows anymore?, who knows?

Ups and Downs, literally

Here we are starting what us TTCers call the two week wait.
Although not totally sure I am at that stage of my cycle or not as I seem to have had 2 lots of positive ovulation test times.

I tested last Wednesday when my online chart thingy said I was due to ovulate (going by my long cycles) and got a positive, then they went negative again untill I bought some ClearBlue ones on Saturday and got another positive result, then out of curiosity or should that be out of the need to torture myself, I used a cheapie
internet pregnancy test and it came out positive.

Now any readers out there, please do NOT go getting excited for me, this has happened before and it was the cheapie tests picking up the ovulation hormone, even though everything I read says they are NOT meant to.
I then took a ClearBlue pregnancy test (I know a lot of people say they are not that sensitive early on) and it was negative anyway.
We did dtd (Do The Deed) anyway that night just incase.
Quite impressive as this was also the day I did my first ever Zumba class (OMG they are intense lol)

So on Sunday I took another CB ovulation  test and again it was positive and so was the cheapie pregnancy test I took another of for some stupid reason.
We didn't manage to DTD that night.
Well I have just taken another CB ovulation test and again it was positive so that is 3 days in a row of positive ovulation tests.
I have been good and NOT taken another cheapie pregnancy test as I am convincing myself it is just picking up on the ovulation hormones.
My plan is to keep taking ovulation tests and if they are positive for more than 4 days (as I have had 3 days of them before) I might THEN take another test, also the alternative plan is to keep taking the ovulation tests and once/if they go negative I will then take another cheapie pregnancy test and see what that says.

I have to say I am pretty frustrated right now (and nooooo not because we didn't DTD last night lol) it is actually because I received a letter from the hospital last Thursday telling me they have changed my all important appointment with the fertility specialist that was meant to be at the end of November to the end of bloody January!!!
No explanation whatsoever, no other options suggested, NOTHING
So I have just contacted the patient liason people as this is not fair, they might have their reasons (Possibly something to do with how it might make their waiting lists appear I have been told) but this is already stressful enough.
Now it will be over 5 months between appointments and not the 3 months the specialist himself wanted.
So now I have to wait even longer for test results and to see whether I will be put on Clomid for ovulation as has been mentioned.

GRRRRRR

I have also been silly and ordered another online psychic reading and am still waiting in hope of that bringing me positive news.

I was so determined not to obsess this month, I have been and am trying sooo hard to stop replaying the clinical radiologists words about how many women fall pregnant the same month as having their HSG test performed, over and over.
But as you can imagine it is hard not to get your hopes up when someone gives you that glimmer of hope no matter how hard you try.

Today is cd21 and despite taking the ovulation prediction tests since the day after my HSG (cd9) NOTHING, nadda, not a thing. Not even the faint line that has sometimes been there even before ovulation.
Apparently there is often a very faint line because there is ALWAYS a certain amount of the LH hormone that the test detects in your body, you just get the positive result when the test detects a surge in this hormone.

Although my cycles are irregular I do NORMALLY get a positive result by now so I did what I always do and googled about it, only to read countless reports on women having the same issue, not ovulating after the HSG done.
Maybe this should have made feel better, but it didn't, I think I was hoping to find this was impossible and that I was just ovulating late.

Oh and while googling I discovered various articles saying that these tests are misleading as they infact are picking up the hormone surge that happens AFTER ovulation and NO before, this is really worrying if it is true as so many of us TTCers (trying to conceive ers) rely in these tests to know when it is best to be doing the deed.

This month hubby and I had already decided to dtd every other day from cd12 onwards, so not easy when the joy that is endometriosis makes having sex that often really painful.
But apart from one day we are doing pretty well with it so far thank you lol.

The other problem with possibly ovulating late means my period will be due even later which means even more waiting and counting days.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist untill the end of next month (November), I have had all the tests he asked for now and we just need hubby to "Perform" another semen analysis at the end of this month as per specialists instructions.
He has been taking his "MAN tablets as I call them (They are Wellman conception tablets, vitamins really, but I think you need yo use a bit of humor sometimes or you will go mad)

Again I got onto my mate Google and researched what things could affect motility of sperm in a sample and was strangely releived to see that it said abstaining for too long would make the count go up but reduce motility.
I was releived because when hubby did his first sample back in March we had not been told not to ...not produce for longer than 7 days before the sample and at the time it was probably closer to 10 days since we had last done anything (Due to having the longest period) we even had to to fib on the paperwork for them to accept the sample.

So I am hopeful that when the next sample is done right the motility will improve (It needs to be at least 50% and hubby's was 37% at the time)
BUT now I am also a bit worried the count will be reduced as it was so good.
The specialist wants the analysis done at the end of this month so there is time to get all the other test results together in time for our appointment next month I guess.
It would be amazing not to need that appointment, but after all this time I am really not holding my breath, just my laptop lol.