Still battling my way through some agonising days/anniversaries as well as having started my new fertility treatment last week.
Anniversary wise today is 1 year since my hubby, sons and I went to Portugal, I was 4 months pregnant and we were so hopeful after getting the first part of Bailey's test results from the horrible CVS and they had ruled out some devastating conditions. We were planning to make the call for the other results together from the beach the next week.
But of course that all changed a couple of days later (after calls from dad saying mum would not see a doctor and me trying to talk her into it, then trying desperately to get a flight back and of course failing to get one in time to say goodbye.
This Friday is coming round so fast, it will be a year since my Mum died, I have dreaded that day for so long and literally have no idea how to get through it, my dad and my brother are coming over and along with my boys we are going to Mum's memorial rose (and Bailey's memorial)
Then back to my childhood home town where dad and my brother still live, for a meal somewhere and so I can light candles in my old local church (where my parents married) then to their local (where I organised Mums wake/get together) so the boys can play pool with my dad and maybe make him smile a little, then hubby will meet us there after work to raise a glass to mum.
It was left to me to organise the day, so I hope I have done ok.
After that difficult day it will only be a couple of weeks till Bailey's birthday.
Fertility treatment wise, I started my injectable hormones when my new cycle began last week. I had to inject, well get hubby to inject me every other day from cd2 till yesterday (cd8) then this morning at 8am I had to go for an internal scan to see if any folicles were growing and whether the womb lining was thickening right.
I felt so so alone sitting in the early pregnancy unit, yes that is where they sent me, the very same scan room where I saw Bailey for the very first time and also where we saw Bailey on his 12 week scan and where they first realised he had a problem. I could even see the quiet room we were sent to.
When I was eventually seen, they said there was only 1 folicle measuring 10mm and that my lining was only 6mm.
I then had to see the fertility nurse who wants me to now inject every day till Friday morning when I have to have another scan.
So that is what I will be doing first thing in the morning on my Mum's anniversary.
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Tuesday, 20 August 2013
Wish I could go back
Today is yet another anniversary for me, they are endless at the moment, one after the other to the point where I feel I am drowning and completely alone.
Today is a year since the day hubby and I were seen at the Fetal Care Unit, the day I had to go through that awful CVS test that still haunts me, it is the test they put this long needle through the abdomen, through into the womb and into the fragile placenta and they draw out some fluid and cells so they can test for the 52 different chromosome conditions.
It also means today is a year since the very last time i saw Bailey alive on a scan, he was actually too lively for the consultant at times and meant he had to wait ages for him to move away from the placenta long enough to perform the test.
Hubby will never forget seeing him swollowing fluid and blowing bubbles.
That day was a terrifying rollercoaster of raised and dashed hopes.
It was also the day my Mum and Dad left for their last ever holiday together, last Friday (16th August) was a year since i last saw my Mum alive, it was so painful but once again, as always I had to put on a front for everyone as I did not want to upset anyone else.
It is breaking my heart seeing more and more things my Mum would have loved to have seen and would have been a big part of, her grandsons birthdays and my eldest son getting accepted into university! then there is another big birthday soon as my middle son turns 16 and gets his GCSE results and of course this year my youngest living son starts secondary school.
Next Friday is a day I am dreading with all my heart, a year since the day my Mum died, another reminder how I was not there for her that day.
On the TTC front, there are scary times too, this evening I start the injectable ovulation drugs, I am terrified, then next week I have to go for a scan to see whether I am reacting to them, but what really petrifies me with that and the thing I have no idea how to face, is i have to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit for the scan, the very place I was when I had my 12 week scan and they first saw Bailey's bladder condition.
Today is a year since the day hubby and I were seen at the Fetal Care Unit, the day I had to go through that awful CVS test that still haunts me, it is the test they put this long needle through the abdomen, through into the womb and into the fragile placenta and they draw out some fluid and cells so they can test for the 52 different chromosome conditions.
It also means today is a year since the very last time i saw Bailey alive on a scan, he was actually too lively for the consultant at times and meant he had to wait ages for him to move away from the placenta long enough to perform the test.
Hubby will never forget seeing him swollowing fluid and blowing bubbles.
That day was a terrifying rollercoaster of raised and dashed hopes.
It was also the day my Mum and Dad left for their last ever holiday together, last Friday (16th August) was a year since i last saw my Mum alive, it was so painful but once again, as always I had to put on a front for everyone as I did not want to upset anyone else.
It is breaking my heart seeing more and more things my Mum would have loved to have seen and would have been a big part of, her grandsons birthdays and my eldest son getting accepted into university! then there is another big birthday soon as my middle son turns 16 and gets his GCSE results and of course this year my youngest living son starts secondary school.
Next Friday is a day I am dreading with all my heart, a year since the day my Mum died, another reminder how I was not there for her that day.
On the TTC front, there are scary times too, this evening I start the injectable ovulation drugs, I am terrified, then next week I have to go for a scan to see whether I am reacting to them, but what really petrifies me with that and the thing I have no idea how to face, is i have to go to the Early Pregnancy Unit for the scan, the very place I was when I had my 12 week scan and they first saw Bailey's bladder condition.
Saturday, 20 July 2013
New cycles, new plan.
I am only on cycle day 10 so the new plan cannot start till the next cycle.
When I say new plan, it's not really MY plan, but that of the fertility specialists.
Last cycle was my last one on Clomid after taking 12 cycles of it, she did say I could have another 2 months on the higher dose I had been on for the last 2 cycles, but she felt that I would need to move on to the next and final level of NHS funded fertility treatment so we decided to go ahead and move on.
So this week I had my appointment with the fertility nurse who explained to me (Hubby was of course at work) all about the injections I will have to give myself once my next cycle starts, she gave me a kit full of two different types of needles, ones to draw up the drug and others to inject it into my skin on either my stomach or the tops of my thighs.
I then, after doing it for a set amount of days, I go in to the bloody early pregnancy unit of all places, for repeated scans until they see enough of the right sized egg follicles, I then have to give myself the big injection (I have to keep this one in the fridge) which makes the body release the egg, this is also when they will advise us when we should be bding (Baby dancing/doing the deed)
But apparently if when I have one of these scans and they see too many ready follicles they will cancel that cycle as there is an even bigger risk of multiple babies, if they cancel a course it still counts as one of the 3 they have given me so I could end up with even less chances than that!
Going to the appointment was very hard as I had to see them on the ward where my precious Bailey was born, 10 months ago last Monday.
I was kept waiting and was had a small panic attack because all I could think of was the day Bailey was born and the way the midwife kept bringing him back into the room to see me every so often throughout the day and as I sat there waiting for my appointment I was so desperate to see her come carrying him in there to me, I could feel him there and it broke my heart knowing he was not there anymore.
I have now had part of my course delivered, but somehow it seems the company have misplaced the actual ovulation drug and only delivered the trigger shots.
I am hoping they manage to sort this out next week.
When I say new plan, it's not really MY plan, but that of the fertility specialists.
Last cycle was my last one on Clomid after taking 12 cycles of it, she did say I could have another 2 months on the higher dose I had been on for the last 2 cycles, but she felt that I would need to move on to the next and final level of NHS funded fertility treatment so we decided to go ahead and move on.
So this week I had my appointment with the fertility nurse who explained to me (Hubby was of course at work) all about the injections I will have to give myself once my next cycle starts, she gave me a kit full of two different types of needles, ones to draw up the drug and others to inject it into my skin on either my stomach or the tops of my thighs.
I then, after doing it for a set amount of days, I go in to the bloody early pregnancy unit of all places, for repeated scans until they see enough of the right sized egg follicles, I then have to give myself the big injection (I have to keep this one in the fridge) which makes the body release the egg, this is also when they will advise us when we should be bding (Baby dancing/doing the deed)
But apparently if when I have one of these scans and they see too many ready follicles they will cancel that cycle as there is an even bigger risk of multiple babies, if they cancel a course it still counts as one of the 3 they have given me so I could end up with even less chances than that!
Going to the appointment was very hard as I had to see them on the ward where my precious Bailey was born, 10 months ago last Monday.
I was kept waiting and was had a small panic attack because all I could think of was the day Bailey was born and the way the midwife kept bringing him back into the room to see me every so often throughout the day and as I sat there waiting for my appointment I was so desperate to see her come carrying him in there to me, I could feel him there and it broke my heart knowing he was not there anymore.
I have now had part of my course delivered, but somehow it seems the company have misplaced the actual ovulation drug and only delivered the trigger shots.
I am hoping they manage to sort this out next week.
Thursday, 27 June 2013
Race for Life and race for time.
Well we did it!
My youngest living son Charlie and i did Cancer research Race for Life just under 2 weeks ago.
I was so so proud of him, he found it hard at times reading all the other children with Nanny written on their back signs (To say why they were doing the race) He kept pointing them out to me, I could not help reading the other signs saying Mum on, it was so emotional.
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was coming to the finish line and seeing my dad's face and wishing my Mum was standing there beside him waving at me.
I could almost see her cuddling Charlie and telling him how proud they were.
My youngest living son Charlie and i did Cancer research Race for Life just under 2 weeks ago.
I was so so proud of him, he found it hard at times reading all the other children with Nanny written on their back signs (To say why they were doing the race) He kept pointing them out to me, I could not help reading the other signs saying Mum on, it was so emotional.
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was coming to the finish line and seeing my dad's face and wishing my Mum was standing there beside him waving at me.
I could almost see her cuddling Charlie and telling him how proud they were.
As it was also Fathers Day we took my Dad (and younger brother of course) to lunch, that was hard for me as we went to the same restaurant we took him to last year when Mum was still alive and well (as far as any of us knew), I could not stop staring at the table we had sat at and picturing mum there.
Fathers Day was also painful for hubby as he could not help but think Bailey SHOULD have been there with us spending his first Fathers Day with his daddy.
Me and the boys had got him a special keyring with Bailey's beautiful 12 week scan of his face on, he loved it.
As for TTC I am now just over half way through my last prescribed cycle of Clomid, that absolutely terrifies me to be honest as I have now had the full 12 months they will prescribe to a patient and I have no idea what, if anything they will try next for us.
My therapist I am seeing about my grief etc said we should have THAT conversation, meaning talk about a possible cut off for trying as hubby will be 50 next year and I will be getting closer to 40, she said we also need to discuss the what if this never happens for us.
After getting so so upset yesterday morning and the night before, we did start to have this conversation when my very concerned hubby felt he had to leave work early and came home to take me out for a while.
Sometimes this mask of "I'm so so" or "I'm ok" gets a little too heavy to hold up in front of everyone all the time.
As we are back to see the fertility specialists next month (July) we are going to wait and see what they say and go from there.
Hubby bless his heart still seems convinced we WILL get pregnant and WILL have one more baby, I wish I had his belief, I really do.
Thursday, 13 June 2013
June already????
Can you believe how fast this year is going?
June already?
Guess I might as well update on this whole ttc thing, although sadly there really is not much to update on that score.
I had my clomid dose doubled last cycle, from 50mg to 100mg, I had to have my progesterone levels checked again to see whether I responded to this new dose, my level came back at 35 which according to the fertility nurse means I did respond.
I had been using a new type of digital ovulation tests, this one claims to predict the high fertility days as well as the actual ovulation days. Going by them I ovulated on cd15, but of course, then 14 days later yet another BFN on yet another test followed by yet another af from hell.
Hubby and I are due to see the fertility specialist again in July and I have to admit this time I am actually terrified as I will have had my 12 months of clomid which they said is the limit with Clomid, so I am really scared she is going to say that is all they can do for me and as I could not for some reason conceive without and now after 8 months trying it seems I can no longer conceive WITH it either.
This hurts even more than all that time I was desperate to try for another baby and hubby had doubts.
I am scared that my precious Bailey really was my last chance.
This weekend is going to be very emotional, Saturday 15th will be 9 months since my Bailey was born sleeping, then the next day is a really big one, it will be a whole year since I took that test and found out I was pregnant with Bailey, it is also Fathers Day here in UK and as if that is not enough I will be doing my first ever Race for Life for Cancer Research, I am doing it in memory of my Mum and my 10 year old son Charlie is doing it with me as I do not think I could bear the upset doing it completely alone.
http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/helengreen93
I have been decorating the sign I will wear on my back, it was hard writing that I am doing it for my mum, another reminder she is not here. I think the race is going to be emotional to say the least.
I hope I am able to do Mum proud even a little bit because coping with her loss and Bailey's is becoming harder and I am struggling to keep up the pretence everyone wants to see that I am ok when the truth is I am not.
Thursday, 9 May 2013
Choose your own title!
Could not think of any title and as I don't really think anyone reads this I am guessing it doesn't really matter.
Ok so I will start with the whole ttc thing, this cycle was/is the fifth one on Clomid since my Bailey was born.
I have been on the same dose of 50mg ever since I was first prescribed it in January 2012, I got pregnant with little April on my third month taking it, but that was our first month we were able to actively try as hubby had been very ill, having been in hospital for 11 days.
I then lost little April at only 5 weeks pregnant, as soon as my next proper cycle started I went back on to the Clomid as advised by the hospital and then conceived my precious rainbow Bailey.
After Bailey died and was born sleeping I still had 2 months left of my 6 month prescription of Clomid, I was then seen by the fertility specialist who prescribed me another 6 months at the same dose as I had responded to it so well before.
But now it is 5 months on and despite doing everything right, we have had no luck so I spoke to the fertility nurse and asked for a blood test to check my progesterone levels to check I am still responding to the treatment.
I got the result of this test last Friday and it was not good news, the fertility nurse said my level was 14 which apparently means i am not responding to it.
So she says whenever my next cycle starts I need to double my dose and take 2 tablets for 5 days which is 100mg a day, I wonder whether this will make those awful side effects I used to get come back.
I then will have to have the blood test done again on cycle day 21 and hope it shows an improvement.
I also went to see my gp finally after trying to ignore feeling so lousy and having weird symptoms for a while, he got me to have a blood test yesterday to check for an under active thyroid if that comes back normal I then need to get more hormone tests as apparently some of the under active thyroid symtoms can also suggest perimenopause, which I can't help but feel would be pretty typical.
On top of all that I am really low and struggling right now, I have felt to tearful and alone most days, I miss my mum so much and am struggling to accept I really am never going to see her again.
Grief is the worst thing in the world, dealing with my dads grief and my poor boys grief is agony.
Ok so I will start with the whole ttc thing, this cycle was/is the fifth one on Clomid since my Bailey was born.
I have been on the same dose of 50mg ever since I was first prescribed it in January 2012, I got pregnant with little April on my third month taking it, but that was our first month we were able to actively try as hubby had been very ill, having been in hospital for 11 days.
I then lost little April at only 5 weeks pregnant, as soon as my next proper cycle started I went back on to the Clomid as advised by the hospital and then conceived my precious rainbow Bailey.
After Bailey died and was born sleeping I still had 2 months left of my 6 month prescription of Clomid, I was then seen by the fertility specialist who prescribed me another 6 months at the same dose as I had responded to it so well before.
But now it is 5 months on and despite doing everything right, we have had no luck so I spoke to the fertility nurse and asked for a blood test to check my progesterone levels to check I am still responding to the treatment.
I got the result of this test last Friday and it was not good news, the fertility nurse said my level was 14 which apparently means i am not responding to it.
So she says whenever my next cycle starts I need to double my dose and take 2 tablets for 5 days which is 100mg a day, I wonder whether this will make those awful side effects I used to get come back.
I then will have to have the blood test done again on cycle day 21 and hope it shows an improvement.
I also went to see my gp finally after trying to ignore feeling so lousy and having weird symptoms for a while, he got me to have a blood test yesterday to check for an under active thyroid if that comes back normal I then need to get more hormone tests as apparently some of the under active thyroid symtoms can also suggest perimenopause, which I can't help but feel would be pretty typical.
On top of all that I am really low and struggling right now, I have felt to tearful and alone most days, I miss my mum so much and am struggling to accept I really am never going to see her again.
Grief is the worst thing in the world, dealing with my dads grief and my poor boys grief is agony.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Ovulation confusion
Hello anyone out there!!
Well I am now over half way through my 5th cycle of trying since Bailey died.
I have been on the Clomid fertility drug for all 5 so am really starting to lose hope, I think maybe my precious Bailey really was my last chance of baby number 4 and I lost that chance.
I have asked for a blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone levels to see whether they need to have the dose increased from the 50mg I have always been on (I started taking Clomid since January 2012 with a break obviously when I was actually pregnant.)
This cycle and last cycle I did not have any ovulation tests, last month I ran out just around the crucial time and this month despite ordering from 2 separate sources (one had let me down) I STILL have none and have had to go by signs and symptoms again which clearly did not work last month.
Today is exactly 8 months since my mum died which of course also means it is fast approaching 8 months since my Bailey was born.
I miss that little boy more than ever and my feelings for him are only getting stronger, this actually seems to be normal from what I can see from the people I speak to online.
It was lovely this weekend to see a rainbow, I do not whether you believe in signs or not, but I get some comfort from them and this weekend my baby boy sent me a rainbow when I asked him to, I had been searching and waiting for one since the day after he was born (last time I saw one) I had seen on Facebook that there had been a brief one locally but had missed it, I was so upset and said out loud to Bailey how sorry mummy was to miss his sign and could he please send me another and I would be looking for it and literally 5 minutes later there was the biggest and brightest one I have ever seen and it stayed for ages getting brighter as I took photos.
Well I am now over half way through my 5th cycle of trying since Bailey died.
I have been on the Clomid fertility drug for all 5 so am really starting to lose hope, I think maybe my precious Bailey really was my last chance of baby number 4 and I lost that chance.
I have asked for a blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone levels to see whether they need to have the dose increased from the 50mg I have always been on (I started taking Clomid since January 2012 with a break obviously when I was actually pregnant.)
This cycle and last cycle I did not have any ovulation tests, last month I ran out just around the crucial time and this month despite ordering from 2 separate sources (one had let me down) I STILL have none and have had to go by signs and symptoms again which clearly did not work last month.
Today is exactly 8 months since my mum died which of course also means it is fast approaching 8 months since my Bailey was born.
I miss that little boy more than ever and my feelings for him are only getting stronger, this actually seems to be normal from what I can see from the people I speak to online.
It was lovely this weekend to see a rainbow, I do not whether you believe in signs or not, but I get some comfort from them and this weekend my baby boy sent me a rainbow when I asked him to, I had been searching and waiting for one since the day after he was born (last time I saw one) I had seen on Facebook that there had been a brief one locally but had missed it, I was so upset and said out loud to Bailey how sorry mummy was to miss his sign and could he please send me another and I would be looking for it and literally 5 minutes later there was the biggest and brightest one I have ever seen and it stayed for ages getting brighter as I took photos.
I was so happy.
The other emotional moment was when I finally received the photo I had asked the hospital for. I can finally see my baby boy's beautiful, perfect hands and little feet.
I will always be gutted we did not get hand and foot prints, but I have only learned this was even an option since getting to know other mum's who have gone through it, hospitals really need to be thinking of these things for parents and not expecting parents to think straight at such a devastating time.
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