Happy new year to everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas xx
As you can imagine Christmas was something my family and I had been dreading as it was the first one since my mum died. Normally my parents would visit us a few days before Christmas Day, I had invited them for the day many times and been told it was too awkward to get here with cabs etc, for a few years they had agreed to come Christmas Eve, but this had stopped too.
This year we invited my dad and brother over on Christmas Day and they came.
It was hard in the morning when my mother in law phoned to say Merry christmas to the kids as I always waited for the call from my parents and it hurt so much knowing I was never going to hear my mums voice on the phone again, I hid in the kitchen and cried.
Dad and my brother were in better spirits than I had expected but I guess like me they were probably doing it for the kids.
Boxing Day was the harder day for me, we went to the in laws and everyone was there, brother in laws, kids etc. I really struggled with the way no one mentioned my Bailey (or mum) I had given my in laws an xmas tree ornament shaped as an angel with the words GRANDSON BAILEY on and hubby had put a rainbow sticker from Bailey in their card and still no one said his name.
I tried to keep my happy front up for hours but in the end it got too much and I ended up hiding away upstairs in tears trying to phone my dad.
Hubby ended up taking me out for a drive to get me away from everything and everyone.
We went away to Butlins for a few days between xmas and new years eve. That went well, the kids loved it.
New years eve was always going to be a mix of emotions, I really wanted to see the back of what had been the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. But at the same time it meant saying goodbye to the last year I saw my mum and Bailey.
Again we invited my dad and brother over and spent a nice evening together.
At midnight we let off a chinese lantern.
Again it was when hubby phoned his mum to say happy new year it was like a kick in the chest because it was yet another tradition I can never have with my mum ever again.
Tomorrow is another big day, it is very special as it is our eldest son's 18th birthday, I am very excited but even that is tinged with sadness as my mum NEVER missed any of the boys birthdays, she and my dad would always come and spend their days with them, something hubbys parents have not done. She would have been so proud of having a grown up grandson. I will really feel her absence tomorrow.
Friday, 4 January 2013
Monday, 17 December 2012
Got through the weekend somehow
Well that was a tough weekend, god knows what Christmas itself is going to be like :(
Saturday was exactly 3 months since my precious angel boy Bailey was born.
We lit his candle for him, I have had the Julien Macdonald black vanilla scented candle for him ever since the day of his funeral in fact I really need to get a new one of them as it is running out and the smell reminds me of him so much I can't not have it in the house.
Saturday was exactly 3 months since my precious angel boy Bailey was born.
We lit his candle for him, I have had the Julien Macdonald black vanilla scented candle for him ever since the day of his funeral in fact I really need to get a new one of them as it is running out and the smell reminds me of him so much I can't not have it in the house.
We would have gone to the crematorium but as I still have Bailey's ashes at home it was ok.
We spent some time alone shopping and having a quick drink in Bailey's honor.
I was so pleased to find this canvas in a shop (especially after seeing one in the angel mums group I am in)
The words mean a lot as we had the song played at the end of Bailey's funeral, at the moment those curtains closed around him and as ew eventually walked outside the chapel to look at his flower rainbow.
Sunday was another painful day, it was the due date for the little one we lost at 5 weeks in April this year, who Daniel has named "April"
We did try to launch a Chinese lantern from a local park, but typically as soon as we got in the car, it started pouring and got really windy so I was gutted when it did not work.
I was in tears over this, so in the end I came up the idea of lighting the lantern in the house and releasing it in our garden and our angels must have been happy with this because it worked beautifully.
Our lantern on its way to our angels Sunday December 16th 2012
Tomorrow is yet another difficult day, it will be 41 years since my mum and dad got married. I have decided to take my poor dad to the crematorium (If he wants to go of course) to see mum's memorial rose and Bailey's memorial of course, then am planning to take him to lunch as a surprise.
I know it will not be enough, but the day needs to be recognised.
Christmas is coming too fast now.
We are having my dad and younger brother over to ours on Christmas afternoon for dinner, it will be so strange as I have not seen them on Christmas since I left home at 19.
We are off to the in laws for Boxing Day so all going to be a bit stressful, not sure how I will be.
We have got an appointment through to see the fertility consultant again in mid January, the day we got Bailey's post mortem results the consultant there was annoyed we had been discharged and felt I should be under them still especially as we are trying once again.
Please keep us in your thoughts xxx
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Two Sad Dates
I am dreading this weekend and not sure how to mark it.
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?
Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.
My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.
We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.
We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.
One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.
How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.
So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.
I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.
I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10
Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?
Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.
My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.
We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.
We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.
One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.
How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.
So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.
I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.
I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10
Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Why? How? When?
Please excuse the not very imaginative title.
I know it has been a while since I last blogged and I was not sure I was even going to write again as it is not really making any difference to anything and I am probably just boring and depressing whoever might actually still be reading these.
I know I originally started this whole blog to tell the story of my journey struggling to conceive our so longed for baby number 4 but this has now become entwined with the loss of my mother as well as the losses of 2 precious babies this year alone.
November was always going to be an awful month as the 18th would/should have been my poor mum's 65th birthday, with my dad's 65th birthday only a few days later, closely followed by the long awaited and dreaded appointment for Bailey's post mortem results.
Mum's birthday was on a Sunday so I had arranged for us all to drive (well hubby drove bless him) all the way to Somerset where my severely mentally disabled brother lives in a wonderful care home. It was the first time I had seen my brother since our mum died at the end of August, I could not help bursting into tears as we arrived at the house after the 2 and a half hour drive there. My brother bless him just kept staring at dad, he, mum and my younger brother had spent the week in Somerset the week before she died so I can imagine as much as we cannot really know how much he actually understands, it was clear he noticed something was different.
With the help of two of my brother's carers we drove to the seaside, we had some of mums ashes with us and as the tide was out we had to walk quite a way to get to the sea to scatter some. It is hard to describe that moment, but we all scattered some, including my three boys who chose to take part (I would never have pushed them to) more amazingly even my special big brother came over to me as I was holding the container and then copied what he saw me doing, but he was so gentle and kept coming over to scatter some more into the sea. It was a precious moment.
I had bought some sky lanterns intending to send one up for mum and another for Bailey but despite trying for a long time (which my brother was unbelievably patient with) they did not light, probably due to the wind, I was so disappointed.
I then started writing Bailey's name in the sand as I have started collecting photos of his name written on various beaches. I wrote messages to mum too saying happy birthday and then the boys all started to join in too which was a lovely moment as was the moment my dad helped me finish my sand message to mum after I hurt my back.
.JPG)
After my brother's carers took him back to the house as he had had enough by then the rest of us went for a walk along the seafront, dad and my younger brother clearly had lots of memories from their holidays there with mum, I felt like an outsider once again which was horrible and I felt bad as the day was meant to be about mum.
I only had one memory of mum there, from a weekend we had all spent together a year ago.
The boys found the day very emotional and are really missing their nanny.
A few days later it was dads birthday, another very hard day as dad was not interested in marking it at all, but I still wanted to make the day about him so we cooked him (and my younger brother of course) dinner, the boys got him a present and a card and I got him a card and will be taking him to see one of his favorite Irish groups next year.
We also went for a drink with him and my brother that evening which dad loved, he did get emotional as it was their local pub and the lovely landlady sent over a bottle of fizz for him which he did try to refuse until I said we should raise glass to mum and him for both their birthdays.
Next month would be their 41st wedding anniversary, another hard time.
This week we finally had the hospital appointment we have been waiting over 10 weeks for, since the day Bailey was born and before really)
We arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes or so early for our 10.30am appointment with my gynae consultant. We were quickly ushered into yet another quiet room after we explained what our appointment was for. I could not stop shaking and thought I might have another panic attack as I had had one earlier in the week, but somehow I did not this time.
The consultant was someone I have known for years, I was worried as she had a tendency to be a bit of a joker, but she was lovely. She started off trying to ask me how I was but quickly realised I was not able to talk about myself so went straight into Bailey's post mortem results, which was a good thing as I had not been able to take my eyes off the report sat on top of my folder on the table in front of her/
Her first words were like being hit in the chest by a football, she said "He measured as about 14 weeks" She explained that although this is not totally accurate as they just measured him and went by a graph of average sizes she gently explained the report said there were "changes and signs" on his body that showed he had been dead a while before he was born. She did say that being in the warmth of my body would have sped these things up so he was probably closer to 15 weeks.
That might not sound major considering I had believed/hoped he had been closer to 16 weeks, but the thing is if he was 15 weeks it means he died the same kind of time as my mum, so I made that awful 6 hour journey home from what should have been our family holiday even more alone that I already was.
It means I did put my mums hand on a baby I had already lost yet was still carrying, it means I imagined feeling Bailey move inside me the week I was here caring for my distraught dad and my brother while planning my mums funeral myself and it means the day I had to phone the hospital without my husbands hand to hold to get the final CVS chromosome test results and discover we were having another little boy, he was already an angel.
She went on to talk about how massively swollen our baby boys tummy had been and that this was due to his bladder being so enlarged as it had never been able to empty even a drop due to a valve, I listened then asked if the valve had not been working normally and that was when she explained exactly how poorly Bailey had been, because you see there should NOT be ANY valve there at all, so this was an abnormality had had from the start.
She explained this meant as he had developed this while still so little he had NEVER had a chance and would never have survived much longer than he did.
This was especially hard to hear as we had been given some hope by the specialists we had been referred to.
So Bailey DID have megacystis which means the enlarged bladder, this can be caused by minor blockages that can sometimes clear themselves or be operated on in bigger babies, but Bailey's megacystis was not caused by this, he had a condition called PUV- posterior urethral valve.
This had also caused damage to his little kidneys as the urine in his bladder was flowing back up the tubes to his kidneys as the bladder was so full and was not able to empty at all.
I have asked for a copy of the report to be sent to me to read properly.
I was touched my auntie (mum's sister) text me to see how the appointment went, it is a particularly difficult subject for her so it always means so much that she genuinely cared and wanted to know.
I know it has been a while since I last blogged and I was not sure I was even going to write again as it is not really making any difference to anything and I am probably just boring and depressing whoever might actually still be reading these.
I know I originally started this whole blog to tell the story of my journey struggling to conceive our so longed for baby number 4 but this has now become entwined with the loss of my mother as well as the losses of 2 precious babies this year alone.
November was always going to be an awful month as the 18th would/should have been my poor mum's 65th birthday, with my dad's 65th birthday only a few days later, closely followed by the long awaited and dreaded appointment for Bailey's post mortem results.
Mum's birthday was on a Sunday so I had arranged for us all to drive (well hubby drove bless him) all the way to Somerset where my severely mentally disabled brother lives in a wonderful care home. It was the first time I had seen my brother since our mum died at the end of August, I could not help bursting into tears as we arrived at the house after the 2 and a half hour drive there. My brother bless him just kept staring at dad, he, mum and my younger brother had spent the week in Somerset the week before she died so I can imagine as much as we cannot really know how much he actually understands, it was clear he noticed something was different.
With the help of two of my brother's carers we drove to the seaside, we had some of mums ashes with us and as the tide was out we had to walk quite a way to get to the sea to scatter some. It is hard to describe that moment, but we all scattered some, including my three boys who chose to take part (I would never have pushed them to) more amazingly even my special big brother came over to me as I was holding the container and then copied what he saw me doing, but he was so gentle and kept coming over to scatter some more into the sea. It was a precious moment.
I had bought some sky lanterns intending to send one up for mum and another for Bailey but despite trying for a long time (which my brother was unbelievably patient with) they did not light, probably due to the wind, I was so disappointed.
I then started writing Bailey's name in the sand as I have started collecting photos of his name written on various beaches. I wrote messages to mum too saying happy birthday and then the boys all started to join in too which was a lovely moment as was the moment my dad helped me finish my sand message to mum after I hurt my back.
.JPG)
After my brother's carers took him back to the house as he had had enough by then the rest of us went for a walk along the seafront, dad and my younger brother clearly had lots of memories from their holidays there with mum, I felt like an outsider once again which was horrible and I felt bad as the day was meant to be about mum.
I only had one memory of mum there, from a weekend we had all spent together a year ago.
The boys found the day very emotional and are really missing their nanny.
A few days later it was dads birthday, another very hard day as dad was not interested in marking it at all, but I still wanted to make the day about him so we cooked him (and my younger brother of course) dinner, the boys got him a present and a card and I got him a card and will be taking him to see one of his favorite Irish groups next year.
We also went for a drink with him and my brother that evening which dad loved, he did get emotional as it was their local pub and the lovely landlady sent over a bottle of fizz for him which he did try to refuse until I said we should raise glass to mum and him for both their birthdays.
Next month would be their 41st wedding anniversary, another hard time.
This week we finally had the hospital appointment we have been waiting over 10 weeks for, since the day Bailey was born and before really)
We arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes or so early for our 10.30am appointment with my gynae consultant. We were quickly ushered into yet another quiet room after we explained what our appointment was for. I could not stop shaking and thought I might have another panic attack as I had had one earlier in the week, but somehow I did not this time.
The consultant was someone I have known for years, I was worried as she had a tendency to be a bit of a joker, but she was lovely. She started off trying to ask me how I was but quickly realised I was not able to talk about myself so went straight into Bailey's post mortem results, which was a good thing as I had not been able to take my eyes off the report sat on top of my folder on the table in front of her/
Her first words were like being hit in the chest by a football, she said "He measured as about 14 weeks" She explained that although this is not totally accurate as they just measured him and went by a graph of average sizes she gently explained the report said there were "changes and signs" on his body that showed he had been dead a while before he was born. She did say that being in the warmth of my body would have sped these things up so he was probably closer to 15 weeks.
That might not sound major considering I had believed/hoped he had been closer to 16 weeks, but the thing is if he was 15 weeks it means he died the same kind of time as my mum, so I made that awful 6 hour journey home from what should have been our family holiday even more alone that I already was.
It means I did put my mums hand on a baby I had already lost yet was still carrying, it means I imagined feeling Bailey move inside me the week I was here caring for my distraught dad and my brother while planning my mums funeral myself and it means the day I had to phone the hospital without my husbands hand to hold to get the final CVS chromosome test results and discover we were having another little boy, he was already an angel.
She went on to talk about how massively swollen our baby boys tummy had been and that this was due to his bladder being so enlarged as it had never been able to empty even a drop due to a valve, I listened then asked if the valve had not been working normally and that was when she explained exactly how poorly Bailey had been, because you see there should NOT be ANY valve there at all, so this was an abnormality had had from the start.
She explained this meant as he had developed this while still so little he had NEVER had a chance and would never have survived much longer than he did.
This was especially hard to hear as we had been given some hope by the specialists we had been referred to.
So Bailey DID have megacystis which means the enlarged bladder, this can be caused by minor blockages that can sometimes clear themselves or be operated on in bigger babies, but Bailey's megacystis was not caused by this, he had a condition called PUV- posterior urethral valve.
This had also caused damage to his little kidneys as the urine in his bladder was flowing back up the tubes to his kidneys as the bladder was so full and was not able to empty at all.
I have asked for a copy of the report to be sent to me to read properly.
I was touched my auntie (mum's sister) text me to see how the appointment went, it is a particularly difficult subject for her so it always means so much that she genuinely cared and wanted to know.
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Not getting any easier
It is now just over 2 weeks since Bailey's funeral, 6 weeks since he was born sleeping and this Wednesday it will be 2 months since my mum died and like the title says it is not getting any easier really.
Dad is still coming over every week day bless him. He has taken the massive step of starting bereavement counselling and has had 2 sessions so far, I am so glad for him and proud he has been able to do this.
This week is the first half term since mum and Bailey were taken, I am dreading it because not only should I be 23 weeks pregnant, but half terms were the times I saw my parents and when we all took the kids to the cinema together, so it will be the first time taking them with dad and not mum.
Last week we took the kids to see the Netherlands State Circus with my dad and of course my brother, our youngest (living) son was away on his school residential trip for the week but the other 2 boys loved the circus. I sat next to dad and tried to comfort him every time I saw him crying for mum knowing how she would have absolutely loved the whole thing.
I now have my Bailey's little box of ashes back home with me, I got the call from the funeral director and collected him just over 1 week ago, it was a moment I had waited for, but when I got there (with dad of course) it was heartbreaking to be handed this little box with a sticker on the top with his name and date of cremation on and an envelope with the official cremation document in.
I brought him home on the bus and put him back on the table where his little bed/casket had been 1 week before and lit his candle again.
At bed time I took him upstairs with me and put him next to my pillow on the side of the bed and he has been there every night since then (Just over a week) and when I get up everyday I bring him back to the table so he is with me.
It is amazing how right it feels to have him here.
I have been having to pester the hospital to find out when my "6 week" appointment would be as it is when I will get Bailey's postmortem results at last.
But yet again my hospital let me down. I contacted the fetal care people I had been under at another hospital from when we found out Bailey had megacystis at my awful 12 week scan until the day they told us he was dead, I had had to have words with them as the letter they had sent had, now what did they call it?..."Administrative errors" like the date I was told my baby was dead and the age of my baby.
Anyway as they were keen to let me know they were sorry for these and wanted to help I let them know I was getting nowhere trying to get an appointment date from my hospital so they phoned them and got them to phone me.
I got that call in the middle of a shop and was not happy when it turned out to be a midwife who I felt had previously let us down and made an awful time even worse.
She yet again made it worse by first asking the stupid question "How are you?" and then said the other doctor had said it might be "helpful" to me if they let me know when my appointment was!!!
It was then I was told the date of my "6 week" appointment which was actually going to be nearly 11 bloody weeks after Bailey's birth, 11 WEEKS!!!
I was then informed postmortem results ALWAYS take longer than 6 weeks and when I pointed out strongly but politely that it was not me but them who had repeatedly told me it would be 6 weeks I did not get a proper explanation and instead was told that Baileys samples needed to be sent to specialists in various hospitals so could never take only 6 weeks.
She then went on to ask how me and.....(pause while she searched my notes for hubby's name) were and when I said we were not good as the funeral had only been a few days before, she actually asked "Who's funeral? She asked whether it had been my "relative's I said No it was NOT my MOTHER'S funeral as that had been a month before" then when I explained it was our baby boys she was surprised we had not gone along with the hospital service.
So I now have just under another MONTH to wait for my appointment to possibly find out whether Bailey's bladder caused his death and maybe why it happened as his condition is very rare.
In that month we also have my mums birthday, when we are driving ourselves, the boys, my dad and my brother all the way to Somerset to visit my older brother in his care home and to scatter some of mums ashes.
My dad's birthday is 3 days after that.
Hubby has insisted on taking me away for a long weekend in November and my dad will be moving in for the weekend (probably my brother too) to look after the boys while we are away. I am not sure how I feel about going, I am sure I will not be the best company then like I am not at the moment, hence not seeing anyone much I guess, no one wants to confronted with this much grief (not that I am showing it to anyone but never mind.)
Then in December before we even try to tackle Christmas we have my mum and dads wedding anniversary to cope with.
Christmas is something I am dreading with every part of me.
Dad is still coming over every week day bless him. He has taken the massive step of starting bereavement counselling and has had 2 sessions so far, I am so glad for him and proud he has been able to do this.
This week is the first half term since mum and Bailey were taken, I am dreading it because not only should I be 23 weeks pregnant, but half terms were the times I saw my parents and when we all took the kids to the cinema together, so it will be the first time taking them with dad and not mum.
Last week we took the kids to see the Netherlands State Circus with my dad and of course my brother, our youngest (living) son was away on his school residential trip for the week but the other 2 boys loved the circus. I sat next to dad and tried to comfort him every time I saw him crying for mum knowing how she would have absolutely loved the whole thing.
I now have my Bailey's little box of ashes back home with me, I got the call from the funeral director and collected him just over 1 week ago, it was a moment I had waited for, but when I got there (with dad of course) it was heartbreaking to be handed this little box with a sticker on the top with his name and date of cremation on and an envelope with the official cremation document in.
I brought him home on the bus and put him back on the table where his little bed/casket had been 1 week before and lit his candle again.
At bed time I took him upstairs with me and put him next to my pillow on the side of the bed and he has been there every night since then (Just over a week) and when I get up everyday I bring him back to the table so he is with me.
It is amazing how right it feels to have him here.
I have been having to pester the hospital to find out when my "6 week" appointment would be as it is when I will get Bailey's postmortem results at last.
But yet again my hospital let me down. I contacted the fetal care people I had been under at another hospital from when we found out Bailey had megacystis at my awful 12 week scan until the day they told us he was dead, I had had to have words with them as the letter they had sent had, now what did they call it?..."Administrative errors" like the date I was told my baby was dead and the age of my baby.
Anyway as they were keen to let me know they were sorry for these and wanted to help I let them know I was getting nowhere trying to get an appointment date from my hospital so they phoned them and got them to phone me.
I got that call in the middle of a shop and was not happy when it turned out to be a midwife who I felt had previously let us down and made an awful time even worse.
She yet again made it worse by first asking the stupid question "How are you?" and then said the other doctor had said it might be "helpful" to me if they let me know when my appointment was!!!
It was then I was told the date of my "6 week" appointment which was actually going to be nearly 11 bloody weeks after Bailey's birth, 11 WEEKS!!!
I was then informed postmortem results ALWAYS take longer than 6 weeks and when I pointed out strongly but politely that it was not me but them who had repeatedly told me it would be 6 weeks I did not get a proper explanation and instead was told that Baileys samples needed to be sent to specialists in various hospitals so could never take only 6 weeks.
She then went on to ask how me and.....(pause while she searched my notes for hubby's name) were and when I said we were not good as the funeral had only been a few days before, she actually asked "Who's funeral? She asked whether it had been my "relative's I said No it was NOT my MOTHER'S funeral as that had been a month before" then when I explained it was our baby boys she was surprised we had not gone along with the hospital service.
So I now have just under another MONTH to wait for my appointment to possibly find out whether Bailey's bladder caused his death and maybe why it happened as his condition is very rare.
In that month we also have my mums birthday, when we are driving ourselves, the boys, my dad and my brother all the way to Somerset to visit my older brother in his care home and to scatter some of mums ashes.
My dad's birthday is 3 days after that.
Hubby has insisted on taking me away for a long weekend in November and my dad will be moving in for the weekend (probably my brother too) to look after the boys while we are away. I am not sure how I feel about going, I am sure I will not be the best company then like I am not at the moment, hence not seeing anyone much I guess, no one wants to confronted with this much grief (not that I am showing it to anyone but never mind.)
Then in December before we even try to tackle Christmas we have my mum and dads wedding anniversary to cope with.
Christmas is something I am dreading with every part of me.
Saturday, 13 October 2012
Cannot say good bye so it is goodnight my angel.
I just wanted to start this blog by explaining that while I KNOW my baby is dead, the fact I cannot say goodbye to him does not mean I am in some sort of denial.
Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.
I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.
When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.
Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey.
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.
I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow
Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.
I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.
When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.
Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey.
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.
I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow
My mother and father in law arrived next followed by one friend who had taken me to the various scary early scans and comforted me when I lost my little April baby.
Then one of my closest and oldest friends came after hubby picked her up from station.
Then it seemed minutes before hubby said we needed to leave for the drive to the crematorium.
I carried Bailey on my lap the whole way, it really started to hit hubby when we pulled into the crematorium and were met by the lovely funeral director who led us right to the chapel door while the other 2 cars went to the car park.
The vicar was there waiting for us too. I just held Bailey and wished I never had to let him go.
We removed the single white rose we had asked be added to the rainbow and placed it on top of Bailey's bed as we carried him into the chapel behind the funeral director and vicar.
I had especially chosen a particular song and was halfway along the aisle before it started to play, I had been worried when it had not started straight away. The song was Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good. I had printed off the perfect words and put them in with Bailey too.
We walked to the front of the chapel and together hubby and I placed our precious baby on the platform, we kissed him one last time.
Then we had to take our seats next to our 3 boys in the front row.
The vicar said a few prayers, then the boys stood up together at the front and read out my poem "Rainbow" the older 2 read 8 lines each and my youngest just stood with them.
Again I was so proud, like I was the day they spoke at my mum's funeral exactly one month to the day.
We all sang Amazing Grace, and hubby and I actually DID sing which we do not normally do.
Then vicar said some beautiful words and prayers for us all.
Then my heart was ripped out, it was the moment they played our other chosen music Somewhere Over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy and those blue curtains began to close around our baby boy.
I just wanted to run up and grab him back, I kept saying no and could not stop the tears, nor could hubby as he held me so so tight.
Then the vicar let everyone sit for a while listening to the song and thinking before he lead us outside to see Bailey's rainbow flowers once more.
We stood looking at those beautiful flowers for a while before the vicar and funeral director said goodbye and we lead everyone else to show them where we have ordered a memorial plaque for Bailey in the beautiful babies memorial garden.
My dad ordered a plaque and rose bush in the next door garden to it for mum so we walked there too.
After spending some time there and throwing coins in the waterfall in the babies garden we went for a coffee and a meal (one friend had had to leave for work) we paid for the meal and encouraged anyone who offered any money towards it to make a donation to the charity page I had set up in Bailey's memory to raise money for the SANDS charity (For stillbirth and neonatal death)
It was the hardest day.
Coming home without him and seeing my dad suffering so much not having my mum there breaks my heart.
Tuesday, 18 September 2012
Can't find the words. (Warning possible TMI)
Starting off by following on from my last blog where we were given the great news that all our baby's CVS test results had come back normal and we had been told we were having our 4th little boy.
This was the Monday (3rd September 2012)
My hubby and our 3 boys were still away on the holiday I lost and I was still looking after my dad and brother and planning my mum's funeral as my dad was not able to.
Hubby and the kids came home on the Thursday afternoon.
The next morning we sent to see my Mum in the funeral home, then a couple of hours later it was our next scan at Queen Charlottes fetal care to check on baby's bladder.
We were seen by a student doctor, we were telling her about losing my mum, then we were in the scan room, the same one I had had my horrible CVS test in a few weeks earlier.
As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the scanner and little man appeared on screen I knew, I kept saying "He's not moving, he's not moving" hubby and the doctor kept saying he might be sleeping and he's only young, but I just knew.
She turned the screen away from me but hubby could see and we were shaking our heads at each other.
She was quite choked up as she said it did not look good but that she needed to get another doctor to check for her, she tried to find someone but the other doctor was busy so we were moved to yet another "Quiet room" (Have lost count how many we have been in this Summer)
We waited in their with the box of tissues and cups of water once again.
Then this lovely doctor lead us back to the scan room, she kept stroking my back as we walked along.
We were lead to another scan room and she started the scan with the screen turned away from me, but hubby could still see it and sat there again shaking our heads as we knew baby was gone.
Hubby had tears in his eyes, I will never forget that look.
Then she asked if I wanted to see the screen so she could explain what had happened.
She showed us how big baby's bladder had got since the last scan 2 weeks before, she said it had pushed all his little organs into his chest and stopped his little heart.
She also pointed out his head was slightly mishapped and said this was because he had drank all the amniotic fluid around him and not been able to wee it out like he needed to so there was none left to protect him.
At the time she said it was hard to tell but she thought he might have died a week before which would have been around same time as my mum had died.
She talked about what needed to happen next, saying I could either have the surgical option where they would "remove everything" under general anesthetic, but said this meant we would not get to see him and no post mortem could be done, or that there was the medical option where I would need to be induced and give birth.
We were ushered back into the quiet room and told we could use our mobiles to phone family with the awful news while she phoned our local hospital (Hillingdon) to get us an appointment as soon as possible to discuss our options.
Phoning my already drowning in grief dad to tell him his grandson had died was devastating.
As I was talking to my dad I could hear hubby breaking down on the phone trying to tell his mum our baby was dead. He even had to phone her back as he was to upset to get the words out.
The doctor came back saying Hillingdon would see us first thing on the Monday morning and that they thought the induction was the best option.
Then that was it and we were on our way home to my dad and our 3 boys who we then also had to break the news to.
A few days later it was Monday morning, we had to go to the antenatal department, it felt like forever waiting at that desk, the receptionist tried to phone the specialist midwife we were to see and then told us to wait in the main waiting area with all the happy pregnant women, I fell apart and shocked the poor woman by saying "My baby is dead, I can't be in here, I'll wait outside" She then sent us to wait in...a quiet room.
The specialist midwife was lovely, hubby told her about my mum and she said they would delay any treatment until after my mum's funeral which was 2 days later.
She carefully explained induction was my only option because I was too far along for them to safely operate on me.
She talked a little about funerals and post mortems but said it was not the right time to go into detail as I had enough to cope with.
We were told to come back first thing Thursday morning (the day after my mum's funeral) so she could give me a tablet to block the progesterone, end my pregnancy and tell my body to start preparing for labor.
So I had to then go through my mum's funeral carrying my longed for and now dead baby inside me, as I was 4 months pregnant I was showing, we asked the vicar to include our baby we have named Bailey in the service and I mentioned him briefly in my speech, but I still had people asking me about him all day.
The next morning we went back to the midwife at the hospital and I had my blood pressure and temperature taken, was then given the tablet and had to stay to be monitored for an hour.
She spoke to us in more detail about whether we should have a full or partial post mortem, we decided on a full.
She also spoke about funerals and we decided to go for the hospital service where we would be with other parents of babies who also died before 24 weeks, the vicar would then see us alone with Bailey who would have his own coffin.
The babies would all then go to where my mum was cremated to be cremated, no relatives attend this as it is not a service.
Ashes would then be scattered in their memorial gardens as there would not be many. It felt wrong but I did not know what else to do, could not think straight, talking about a funeral for the baby I was STILL carrying.
Taking that tablet was so so hard and I nearly didn't do it but I know I had no choice as I would become ill and could not help my baby anyway.
My blood pressure and temp were checked again and then we left with an appointment to be admitted on a particular ward 2 days later at am Saturday.
I was told if anything started happening before I was told to go to A & E and they would send me straight to the ward.
The very next morning we had to take my dad and brother to collect my mum's ashes.
All of them spent the day with us.
Suddenly at about 5pm that evening I had gone to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding, I called hubby and suddenly had this sudden awful pain in my lower back.
He rushed me to A & E in the car and grabbed a paramedic when we got there who wheeled me in in a chair while hubby got his car out of the way.
We were sent through to the assessment area who I hate to say were useless and actually made everything 100% harder on us.
The nurse we spoke to first was callous, we explained everything carefully and I was told she did not have a cubicle clean for me and that she could not/would not send me to the ward until she knew I was safe with my bleeding and pain, she told us to go to the main waiting area.
Hubby refused and expalined again what the situation was and that we would stand in the corridor just outside her door until she did something which we did.
We could hear this woman on the phone saying she did not know what our problem was and was not sure whether I was having a TERMINATION, a miscarriage or stillbirth!
She did not know my name as she had not even listened and had refused to take my maternity notes so even had to come back and ask my name again.
We were then brought back into the assessment area and I was left outside an open cubicle which still had a patient and relative in who were blatantly talking about me saying that is the girl thats pregnant and her baby is dead!
I put them straight and got hubby to move me.
I was in agony and still bleeding.
I was eventually moved into the cubicle (after having to give up my wheelchair to another patient!)
I had my blood pressure checked about 40 mins later and nothing was said when it was high, same with my heart rate as I was told later.
I was not checked for how much I was bleeding, not given anything for pain, blood was taken after another hour and a cannular fitted in my arm but not used.
After a lifetime I told hubby I was NOT giving birth to my dead baby in this horrible A & E and was going to go home as I would rather have him in our car or home than what was happening.
He ran and asked someone to try phoning the ward again as I was going to leave, then magically someone came down from there and said they wanted to admit me overnight in case baby came, did not want to examine me for fear of starting things off more before my specialist midwife came for me in the morning as originally booked.
They took a while but managed to get me a bed in a side room and said hubby could stay in case anything else happened.
I was on the ward by 10.30pm (about 5 hours after rushing to A & E)
My dad and brother stayed the night at our house with the boys.
The pain and bleeding eased overnight, but neither of us got much sleep.
In the morning my lovely specialist and very experienced in stillbirths midwife came, she and the not so nice doctor went through all the official paperwork for funeral and post mortem.
I was struggling enough to sign everything when the back pain returned even worse.
The doctor left to go and get the pessary to induce my labour, I felt a gush and was scared the bleeding was worse, I was asking hubby to help me check when, suddenly our baby arrived, all by himself, this was 9.24am.
I was terrified, hubby ran and called the midwife back who helped me to carefully and awkwardly get back onto the bed (as I had been standing when he came)
She was so lovely, she put a sheet across my chest and lifted little Bailey onto it, positioning him so we could clearly see his face.
She made him a little cot, it was a little box/tray wrapped in a white sheet with a knitted blue tiny blanket in, Bailey himself was wrapped in this beautiful specially made cover with little blue flowers with lace around it, it was fastened around him with a blue ribbon so all that was showing was his little head and tiny bit of his chest.
She laid him in his cot next to me on the bed.
Suddenly all hell broke loose, I knew she was trying to get my placenta out, but was not worried as I know it can take a little while after the birth,
She called the doctor in and said she could not find it, this awful woman was really rough examining me, then asked the midwife if she was sure the placenta was still not joined to my baby, and even when told she wass postive, she actually roughly unwrapped Bailey next to me and POKED him roughly too.
I was horrified, the midwife grabbed him back, wrapped him back up and moved him away.
By now I was in agony from the doctor trying to find and remove the placenta so aggressively.
I had to tell her to stop, she had called a team in who ran in with equipment incasse I had a heart attack as well as gas and air and papers for me or Pete to sign to agree to surgery.
I had no idea what was going on and asked whether they were going to take my womb, they said it might have to come to it as I had already lost 800ml of blood.
Another doctor decided to try one more time to find and remove the placenta and gave me gas and air.
This worked at about 10.30am.
I was left to rest for the rest of the day so I could go home as I did not want to stay another night after Bailey wass gone.
We spent most of the day with Bailey on and off, the midwife took a lovely photo for my notes and gave us a copy. We also took some photos ourselves of each of us with him.
We got a vicar from Ickenham to come and bless Bailey which although we are not religious just seemed right.
The moment when the midwife told us the porters were coming to take Bailey to the mortuary was unbearable, we both cried.
I was discharged at 6pm with no discharge papers as they had a printer problems but did not want to wait even longer to get home now Bailey had left the ward.
Hubby went back to work 2 days later (yesterday) and I am looking after my dad again as my brother has gone back to work. He is helping collect my youngest from school.
People keep telling me I need to let myself grieve but I cannot do that as too many people need me to be strong for them.
Bailey I will love you forever, so will your heartbroken Daddy, we are getting your name engraved in our wedding rings today and your brothers will be at your funeral service in November my precious little Rainbow baby .
This was the Monday (3rd September 2012)
My hubby and our 3 boys were still away on the holiday I lost and I was still looking after my dad and brother and planning my mum's funeral as my dad was not able to.
Hubby and the kids came home on the Thursday afternoon.
The next morning we sent to see my Mum in the funeral home, then a couple of hours later it was our next scan at Queen Charlottes fetal care to check on baby's bladder.
We were seen by a student doctor, we were telling her about losing my mum, then we were in the scan room, the same one I had had my horrible CVS test in a few weeks earlier.
As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the scanner and little man appeared on screen I knew, I kept saying "He's not moving, he's not moving" hubby and the doctor kept saying he might be sleeping and he's only young, but I just knew.
She turned the screen away from me but hubby could see and we were shaking our heads at each other.
She was quite choked up as she said it did not look good but that she needed to get another doctor to check for her, she tried to find someone but the other doctor was busy so we were moved to yet another "Quiet room" (Have lost count how many we have been in this Summer)
We waited in their with the box of tissues and cups of water once again.
Then this lovely doctor lead us back to the scan room, she kept stroking my back as we walked along.
We were lead to another scan room and she started the scan with the screen turned away from me, but hubby could still see it and sat there again shaking our heads as we knew baby was gone.
Hubby had tears in his eyes, I will never forget that look.
Then she asked if I wanted to see the screen so she could explain what had happened.
She showed us how big baby's bladder had got since the last scan 2 weeks before, she said it had pushed all his little organs into his chest and stopped his little heart.
She also pointed out his head was slightly mishapped and said this was because he had drank all the amniotic fluid around him and not been able to wee it out like he needed to so there was none left to protect him.
At the time she said it was hard to tell but she thought he might have died a week before which would have been around same time as my mum had died.
She talked about what needed to happen next, saying I could either have the surgical option where they would "remove everything" under general anesthetic, but said this meant we would not get to see him and no post mortem could be done, or that there was the medical option where I would need to be induced and give birth.
We were ushered back into the quiet room and told we could use our mobiles to phone family with the awful news while she phoned our local hospital (Hillingdon) to get us an appointment as soon as possible to discuss our options.
Phoning my already drowning in grief dad to tell him his grandson had died was devastating.
As I was talking to my dad I could hear hubby breaking down on the phone trying to tell his mum our baby was dead. He even had to phone her back as he was to upset to get the words out.
The doctor came back saying Hillingdon would see us first thing on the Monday morning and that they thought the induction was the best option.
Then that was it and we were on our way home to my dad and our 3 boys who we then also had to break the news to.
A few days later it was Monday morning, we had to go to the antenatal department, it felt like forever waiting at that desk, the receptionist tried to phone the specialist midwife we were to see and then told us to wait in the main waiting area with all the happy pregnant women, I fell apart and shocked the poor woman by saying "My baby is dead, I can't be in here, I'll wait outside" She then sent us to wait in...a quiet room.
The specialist midwife was lovely, hubby told her about my mum and she said they would delay any treatment until after my mum's funeral which was 2 days later.
She carefully explained induction was my only option because I was too far along for them to safely operate on me.
She talked a little about funerals and post mortems but said it was not the right time to go into detail as I had enough to cope with.
We were told to come back first thing Thursday morning (the day after my mum's funeral) so she could give me a tablet to block the progesterone, end my pregnancy and tell my body to start preparing for labor.
So I had to then go through my mum's funeral carrying my longed for and now dead baby inside me, as I was 4 months pregnant I was showing, we asked the vicar to include our baby we have named Bailey in the service and I mentioned him briefly in my speech, but I still had people asking me about him all day.
The next morning we went back to the midwife at the hospital and I had my blood pressure and temperature taken, was then given the tablet and had to stay to be monitored for an hour.
She spoke to us in more detail about whether we should have a full or partial post mortem, we decided on a full.
She also spoke about funerals and we decided to go for the hospital service where we would be with other parents of babies who also died before 24 weeks, the vicar would then see us alone with Bailey who would have his own coffin.
The babies would all then go to where my mum was cremated to be cremated, no relatives attend this as it is not a service.
Ashes would then be scattered in their memorial gardens as there would not be many. It felt wrong but I did not know what else to do, could not think straight, talking about a funeral for the baby I was STILL carrying.
Taking that tablet was so so hard and I nearly didn't do it but I know I had no choice as I would become ill and could not help my baby anyway.
My blood pressure and temp were checked again and then we left with an appointment to be admitted on a particular ward 2 days later at am Saturday.
I was told if anything started happening before I was told to go to A & E and they would send me straight to the ward.
The very next morning we had to take my dad and brother to collect my mum's ashes.
All of them spent the day with us.
Suddenly at about 5pm that evening I had gone to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding, I called hubby and suddenly had this sudden awful pain in my lower back.
He rushed me to A & E in the car and grabbed a paramedic when we got there who wheeled me in in a chair while hubby got his car out of the way.
We were sent through to the assessment area who I hate to say were useless and actually made everything 100% harder on us.
The nurse we spoke to first was callous, we explained everything carefully and I was told she did not have a cubicle clean for me and that she could not/would not send me to the ward until she knew I was safe with my bleeding and pain, she told us to go to the main waiting area.
Hubby refused and expalined again what the situation was and that we would stand in the corridor just outside her door until she did something which we did.
We could hear this woman on the phone saying she did not know what our problem was and was not sure whether I was having a TERMINATION, a miscarriage or stillbirth!
She did not know my name as she had not even listened and had refused to take my maternity notes so even had to come back and ask my name again.
We were then brought back into the assessment area and I was left outside an open cubicle which still had a patient and relative in who were blatantly talking about me saying that is the girl thats pregnant and her baby is dead!
I put them straight and got hubby to move me.
I was in agony and still bleeding.
I was eventually moved into the cubicle (after having to give up my wheelchair to another patient!)
I had my blood pressure checked about 40 mins later and nothing was said when it was high, same with my heart rate as I was told later.
I was not checked for how much I was bleeding, not given anything for pain, blood was taken after another hour and a cannular fitted in my arm but not used.
After a lifetime I told hubby I was NOT giving birth to my dead baby in this horrible A & E and was going to go home as I would rather have him in our car or home than what was happening.
He ran and asked someone to try phoning the ward again as I was going to leave, then magically someone came down from there and said they wanted to admit me overnight in case baby came, did not want to examine me for fear of starting things off more before my specialist midwife came for me in the morning as originally booked.
They took a while but managed to get me a bed in a side room and said hubby could stay in case anything else happened.
I was on the ward by 10.30pm (about 5 hours after rushing to A & E)
My dad and brother stayed the night at our house with the boys.
The pain and bleeding eased overnight, but neither of us got much sleep.
In the morning my lovely specialist and very experienced in stillbirths midwife came, she and the not so nice doctor went through all the official paperwork for funeral and post mortem.
I was struggling enough to sign everything when the back pain returned even worse.
The doctor left to go and get the pessary to induce my labour, I felt a gush and was scared the bleeding was worse, I was asking hubby to help me check when, suddenly our baby arrived, all by himself, this was 9.24am.
I was terrified, hubby ran and called the midwife back who helped me to carefully and awkwardly get back onto the bed (as I had been standing when he came)
She was so lovely, she put a sheet across my chest and lifted little Bailey onto it, positioning him so we could clearly see his face.
She made him a little cot, it was a little box/tray wrapped in a white sheet with a knitted blue tiny blanket in, Bailey himself was wrapped in this beautiful specially made cover with little blue flowers with lace around it, it was fastened around him with a blue ribbon so all that was showing was his little head and tiny bit of his chest.
She laid him in his cot next to me on the bed.
Suddenly all hell broke loose, I knew she was trying to get my placenta out, but was not worried as I know it can take a little while after the birth,
She called the doctor in and said she could not find it, this awful woman was really rough examining me, then asked the midwife if she was sure the placenta was still not joined to my baby, and even when told she wass postive, she actually roughly unwrapped Bailey next to me and POKED him roughly too.
I was horrified, the midwife grabbed him back, wrapped him back up and moved him away.
By now I was in agony from the doctor trying to find and remove the placenta so aggressively.
I had to tell her to stop, she had called a team in who ran in with equipment incasse I had a heart attack as well as gas and air and papers for me or Pete to sign to agree to surgery.
I had no idea what was going on and asked whether they were going to take my womb, they said it might have to come to it as I had already lost 800ml of blood.
Another doctor decided to try one more time to find and remove the placenta and gave me gas and air.
This worked at about 10.30am.
I was left to rest for the rest of the day so I could go home as I did not want to stay another night after Bailey wass gone.
We spent most of the day with Bailey on and off, the midwife took a lovely photo for my notes and gave us a copy. We also took some photos ourselves of each of us with him.
We got a vicar from Ickenham to come and bless Bailey which although we are not religious just seemed right.
The moment when the midwife told us the porters were coming to take Bailey to the mortuary was unbearable, we both cried.
I was discharged at 6pm with no discharge papers as they had a printer problems but did not want to wait even longer to get home now Bailey had left the ward.
Hubby went back to work 2 days later (yesterday) and I am looking after my dad again as my brother has gone back to work. He is helping collect my youngest from school.
People keep telling me I need to let myself grieve but I cannot do that as too many people need me to be strong for them.
Bailey I will love you forever, so will your heartbroken Daddy, we are getting your name engraved in our wedding rings today and your brothers will be at your funeral service in November my precious little Rainbow baby .
Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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