Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.
I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.
When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.
Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey.
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.
I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow
My mother and father in law arrived next followed by one friend who had taken me to the various scary early scans and comforted me when I lost my little April baby.
Then one of my closest and oldest friends came after hubby picked her up from station.
Then it seemed minutes before hubby said we needed to leave for the drive to the crematorium.
I carried Bailey on my lap the whole way, it really started to hit hubby when we pulled into the crematorium and were met by the lovely funeral director who led us right to the chapel door while the other 2 cars went to the car park.
The vicar was there waiting for us too. I just held Bailey and wished I never had to let him go.
We removed the single white rose we had asked be added to the rainbow and placed it on top of Bailey's bed as we carried him into the chapel behind the funeral director and vicar.
I had especially chosen a particular song and was halfway along the aisle before it started to play, I had been worried when it had not started straight away. The song was Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good. I had printed off the perfect words and put them in with Bailey too.
We walked to the front of the chapel and together hubby and I placed our precious baby on the platform, we kissed him one last time.
Then we had to take our seats next to our 3 boys in the front row.
The vicar said a few prayers, then the boys stood up together at the front and read out my poem "Rainbow" the older 2 read 8 lines each and my youngest just stood with them.
Again I was so proud, like I was the day they spoke at my mum's funeral exactly one month to the day.
We all sang Amazing Grace, and hubby and I actually DID sing which we do not normally do.
Then vicar said some beautiful words and prayers for us all.
Then my heart was ripped out, it was the moment they played our other chosen music Somewhere Over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy and those blue curtains began to close around our baby boy.
I just wanted to run up and grab him back, I kept saying no and could not stop the tears, nor could hubby as he held me so so tight.
Then the vicar let everyone sit for a while listening to the song and thinking before he lead us outside to see Bailey's rainbow flowers once more.
We stood looking at those beautiful flowers for a while before the vicar and funeral director said goodbye and we lead everyone else to show them where we have ordered a memorial plaque for Bailey in the beautiful babies memorial garden.
My dad ordered a plaque and rose bush in the next door garden to it for mum so we walked there too.
After spending some time there and throwing coins in the waterfall in the babies garden we went for a coffee and a meal (one friend had had to leave for work) we paid for the meal and encouraged anyone who offered any money towards it to make a donation to the charity page I had set up in Bailey's memory to raise money for the SANDS charity (For stillbirth and neonatal death)
It was the hardest day.
Coming home without him and seeing my dad suffering so much not having my mum there breaks my heart.
No comments:
Post a Comment