Not getting any easier

It is now just over 2 weeks since Bailey's funeral, 6 weeks since he was born sleeping and this Wednesday it will be 2 months since my mum died and like the title says it is not getting any easier really.

Dad is still coming over every week day bless him. He has taken the massive step of starting bereavement counselling and has had 2 sessions so far, I am so glad for him and proud he has been able to do this.
This week is the first half term since mum and Bailey were taken, I am dreading it because not only should I be 23 weeks pregnant, but half terms were the times I saw my parents and when we all took the kids to the cinema together, so it will be the first time taking them with dad and not mum.

Last week we took the kids to see the Netherlands State Circus with my dad and of course my brother, our youngest (living) son was away on his school residential trip for the week but the other 2 boys loved the circus. I sat next to dad and tried to comfort him every time I saw him crying for mum knowing how she would have absolutely loved the whole thing.

I now have my Bailey's little box of ashes back home with me, I got the call from the funeral director and collected him just over 1 week ago, it was a moment I had waited for, but when I got there (with dad of course) it was heartbreaking to be handed this little box with a sticker on the top with his name and date of cremation on and an envelope with the official cremation document in.
I brought him home on the bus and put him back on the table where his little bed/casket had been 1 week before and lit his candle again.
At bed time I took him upstairs with me and put him next to my pillow on the side of the bed and he has been there every night since then (Just over a week) and when I get up everyday I bring him back to the table so he is with me.
It is amazing how right it feels to have him here.

I have been having to pester the hospital to find out when my "6 week" appointment would be as it is when I will get Bailey's postmortem results at last.
But yet again my hospital let me down. I contacted the fetal care people I had been under at another hospital from when we found out Bailey had megacystis at my awful 12 week scan until the day they told us he was dead, I had had to have words with them as the letter they had sent had, now what did they call it?..."Administrative errors" like the date I was told my baby was dead and the age of my baby.
Anyway as they were keen to let me know they were sorry for these and wanted to help I let them know I was getting nowhere trying to get an appointment date from my hospital so they phoned them and got them to phone me.

I got that call in the middle of a shop and was not happy when it turned out to be a midwife who I felt had previously let us down and made an awful time even worse. 
She yet again made it worse by first asking the stupid question "How are you?" and then said the other doctor had said it might be "helpful" to me if they let me know when my appointment was!!!
It was then I was told the date of my "6 week" appointment which was actually going to be nearly 11 bloody weeks after Bailey's birth, 11 WEEKS!!!
I was then informed postmortem results ALWAYS take longer than 6 weeks and when I pointed out strongly but politely that it was not me but them who had repeatedly told me it would be 6 weeks I did not get a proper explanation and instead was told that Baileys samples needed to be sent to specialists in various hospitals so could never take only 6 weeks.
She then went on to ask how me and.....(pause while she searched my notes for hubby's name) were and when I said we were not good as the funeral had only been a few days before, she actually asked "Who's funeral? She asked whether it had been my "relative's I said No it was NOT my MOTHER'S funeral as that had been a month before" then when I explained it was our baby boys she was surprised we had not gone along with the hospital service.

So I now have just under another MONTH to wait for my appointment to possibly find out whether Bailey's bladder caused his death and maybe why it happened as his condition is very rare.

In that month we also have my mums birthday, when we are driving ourselves, the boys, my dad and my brother all the way to Somerset to visit my older brother in his care home and to scatter some of mums ashes.
My dad's birthday is 3 days after that.
Hubby has insisted on taking me away for a long weekend in November and my dad will be moving in for the weekend (probably my brother too) to look after the boys while we are away. I am not sure how I feel about going, I am sure I will not be the best company then like I am not at the moment, hence not seeing anyone much I guess, no one wants to confronted with this much grief (not that I am showing it to anyone but never mind.)
Then in December before we even try to tackle Christmas we have my mum and dads wedding anniversary to cope with.
Christmas is something I am dreading with every part of me.