Two Sad Dates

I am dreading this weekend and not sure how to mark it.
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?

Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.

My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.

We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.

We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.

One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.

How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.

So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.

I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.

I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10

Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx