Got through the weekend somehow

Well that was a tough weekend, god knows what Christmas itself is going to be like :(

Saturday was exactly 3 months since my precious angel boy Bailey was born.
We lit his candle for him, I have had the Julien Macdonald black vanilla scented candle for him ever since the day of his funeral in fact I really need to get a new one of them as it is running out and the smell reminds me of him so much I can't not have it in the house.

We would have gone to the crematorium but as I still have Bailey's ashes at home it was ok.

We spent some time alone shopping and having a quick drink in Bailey's honor.

I was so pleased to find this canvas in a shop (especially after seeing one in the angel mums group I am in)

The words mean a lot as we had the song played at the end of Bailey's funeral, at the moment those curtains closed around him and as ew eventually walked outside the chapel to look at his flower rainbow.

Sunday was another painful day, it was the due date for the little one we lost at 5 weeks in April this year, who Daniel has named "April"

We did try to launch a Chinese lantern from a local park, but typically as soon as we got in the car, it started pouring and got really windy so I was gutted when it did not work.

I was in tears over this, so in the end I came up the idea of lighting the lantern in the house and releasing it in our garden and our angels must have been happy with this because it worked beautifully.

Our lantern on its way to our angels Sunday December 16th 2012

Tomorrow is yet another difficult day, it will be 41 years since my mum and dad got married. I have decided to take my poor dad to the crematorium (If he wants to go of course) to see mum's memorial rose and Bailey's memorial of course, then am planning to take him to lunch as a surprise.

I know it will not be enough, but the day needs to be recognised.

Christmas is coming too fast now.

We are having my dad and younger brother over to ours on Christmas afternoon for dinner, it will be so strange as I have not seen them on Christmas since I left home at 19.

We are off to the in laws for Boxing Day so all going to be a bit stressful, not sure how I will be.

We have got an appointment through to see the fertility consultant again in mid January, the day we got Bailey's post mortem results the consultant there was annoyed we had been discharged and felt I should be under them still especially as we are trying once again.

Please keep us in your thoughts xxx

Two Sad Dates

I am dreading this weekend and not sure how to mark it.
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?

Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.

My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.

We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.

We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.

One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.

How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.

So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.

I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.

I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10

Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx

Why? How? When?

Please excuse the not very imaginative title.

I know it has been a while since I last blogged and I was not sure I was even going to write again as it is not really making any difference to anything and I am probably just boring and depressing whoever might actually still be reading these.

I know I originally started this whole blog to tell the story of my journey struggling to conceive our so longed for baby number 4 but this has now become entwined with the loss of my mother as well as the losses of 2 precious babies this year alone.

November was always going to be an awful month as the 18th would/should have been my poor mum's 65th birthday, with my dad's 65th birthday only a few days later, closely followed by the long awaited and dreaded appointment for Bailey's post mortem results.

Mum's birthday was on a Sunday so I had arranged for us all to drive (well hubby drove bless him) all the way to Somerset where my severely mentally disabled brother lives in a wonderful care home. It was the first time I had seen my brother since our mum died at the end of August, I could not help bursting into tears as we arrived at the house after the 2 and a half hour drive there. My brother bless him just kept staring at dad, he, mum and my younger brother had spent the week in Somerset the week before she died so I can imagine as much as we cannot really know how much he actually understands, it was clear he noticed something was different.

With the help of two of my brother's carers we drove to the seaside, we had some of mums ashes with us and as the tide was out we had to walk quite a way to get to the sea to scatter some. It is hard to describe that moment, but we all scattered some, including my three boys who chose to take part (I would never have pushed them to) more amazingly even my special big brother came over to me as I was holding the container and then copied what he saw me doing, but he was so gentle and kept coming over to scatter some more into the sea. It was a precious moment.
I had bought some sky lanterns intending to send one up for mum and another for Bailey but despite trying for a long time (which my brother was unbelievably patient with) they did not light, probably due to the wind, I was so disappointed. 

I then started writing Bailey's name in the sand as I have started collecting photos of his name written on various beaches. I wrote messages to mum too saying happy  birthday and then the boys all started to join in too which was a lovely moment as was the moment my dad helped me finish my sand message to mum after I hurt my back.

After my brother's carers took him back to the house as he had had enough by then the rest of us went for a walk along the seafront, dad and my younger brother clearly had lots of memories from their holidays there with mum, I felt like an outsider once again which was horrible and I felt bad as the day was meant to be about mum.
I only had one memory of mum there, from a weekend we had all spent together a year ago.
The boys found the day very emotional and are really missing their nanny.

A few days later it was dads birthday, another very hard day as dad was not interested in marking it at all, but I still wanted to make the day about him  so we cooked him (and my younger brother of course) dinner, the boys got him a present and a card and I got him a card and will be taking him to see one of his favorite Irish groups next year.
We also went for a drink with him and my brother that evening which dad loved, he did get emotional as it was their local pub and the lovely landlady sent over a bottle of fizz for him which he did try to refuse until I said we should raise  glass to mum and him for both their birthdays.

Next month would be their 41st wedding anniversary, another hard time.

This week we finally had the hospital appointment we have been waiting over 10 weeks for, since the day Bailey was born and before really)
We arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes or so early for our 10.30am appointment with my gynae consultant. We were quickly ushered into yet another quiet room after we explained what our appointment was for. I could not stop shaking and thought I might have another panic attack as I had had one earlier in the week, but somehow I did not this time.
The consultant was someone I have known for years, I was worried as she had a tendency to be a bit of a joker, but she was lovely. She started off trying to ask me how I was but quickly realised I was not able to talk about myself so went straight into Bailey's post mortem results, which was a good thing as I had not been able to take my eyes off the report sat on top of my folder on the table in front of her/

Her first words were like being hit in the chest by a football, she said "He measured as about 14 weeks" She explained that although this is not totally accurate as they just measured him and went by a graph of average sizes she gently explained the report said there were "changes and signs" on his body that showed he had been dead a while before he was born. She did say that being in the warmth of my body would have sped these things up so he was probably closer to 15 weeks.
That might not sound major considering I had believed/hoped he had been closer to 16 weeks, but the thing is if he was 15 weeks it means he died the same kind of time as my mum, so I made that awful 6 hour journey home from what should have been our family holiday even more alone that I already was.
It means I did put my mums hand on a baby I had already lost yet was still carrying, it means I imagined feeling Bailey move inside me the week I was here caring for my distraught dad and my brother while planning my mums funeral myself and it means the day I had to phone the hospital without my husbands hand to hold to get the final CVS chromosome test results and discover we were having another little boy, he was already an angel.

She went on to talk about how massively swollen our baby boys tummy had been and that this was due to his bladder being so enlarged as it had never been able to empty even a drop due to a valve, I listened then asked if the valve had not been working normally and that was when she explained exactly how poorly Bailey had been, because you see there should NOT be ANY valve there at all, so this was an abnormality had had from the start.
She explained this meant as he had developed this while still so little he had NEVER had a chance and would never have survived much longer than he did.
This was especially hard to hear as we had been given some hope by the specialists we had been referred to.
So Bailey DID have megacystis which means the enlarged bladder, this can be caused by minor blockages that can sometimes clear themselves or be operated on in bigger babies, but Bailey's megacystis was not caused by this, he had a condition called PUV- posterior urethral valve.
This had also caused damage to his little kidneys as the urine in his bladder was flowing back up the tubes to his kidneys as the bladder was so full and was not able to empty at all.

I have asked for a copy of the report to be sent to me to read properly.

I was touched my auntie (mum's sister) text me to see how the appointment went, it is a particularly difficult subject for her so it always means so much that she genuinely cared and wanted to know.

Not getting any easier

It is now just over 2 weeks since Bailey's funeral, 6 weeks since he was born sleeping and this Wednesday it will be 2 months since my mum died and like the title says it is not getting any easier really.

Dad is still coming over every week day bless him. He has taken the massive step of starting bereavement counselling and has had 2 sessions so far, I am so glad for him and proud he has been able to do this.
This week is the first half term since mum and Bailey were taken, I am dreading it because not only should I be 23 weeks pregnant, but half terms were the times I saw my parents and when we all took the kids to the cinema together, so it will be the first time taking them with dad and not mum.

Last week we took the kids to see the Netherlands State Circus with my dad and of course my brother, our youngest (living) son was away on his school residential trip for the week but the other 2 boys loved the circus. I sat next to dad and tried to comfort him every time I saw him crying for mum knowing how she would have absolutely loved the whole thing.

I now have my Bailey's little box of ashes back home with me, I got the call from the funeral director and collected him just over 1 week ago, it was a moment I had waited for, but when I got there (with dad of course) it was heartbreaking to be handed this little box with a sticker on the top with his name and date of cremation on and an envelope with the official cremation document in.
I brought him home on the bus and put him back on the table where his little bed/casket had been 1 week before and lit his candle again.
At bed time I took him upstairs with me and put him next to my pillow on the side of the bed and he has been there every night since then (Just over a week) and when I get up everyday I bring him back to the table so he is with me.
It is amazing how right it feels to have him here.

I have been having to pester the hospital to find out when my "6 week" appointment would be as it is when I will get Bailey's postmortem results at last.
But yet again my hospital let me down. I contacted the fetal care people I had been under at another hospital from when we found out Bailey had megacystis at my awful 12 week scan until the day they told us he was dead, I had had to have words with them as the letter they had sent had, now what did they call it?..."Administrative errors" like the date I was told my baby was dead and the age of my baby.
Anyway as they were keen to let me know they were sorry for these and wanted to help I let them know I was getting nowhere trying to get an appointment date from my hospital so they phoned them and got them to phone me.

I got that call in the middle of a shop and was not happy when it turned out to be a midwife who I felt had previously let us down and made an awful time even worse. 
She yet again made it worse by first asking the stupid question "How are you?" and then said the other doctor had said it might be "helpful" to me if they let me know when my appointment was!!!
It was then I was told the date of my "6 week" appointment which was actually going to be nearly 11 bloody weeks after Bailey's birth, 11 WEEKS!!!
I was then informed postmortem results ALWAYS take longer than 6 weeks and when I pointed out strongly but politely that it was not me but them who had repeatedly told me it would be 6 weeks I did not get a proper explanation and instead was told that Baileys samples needed to be sent to specialists in various hospitals so could never take only 6 weeks.
She then went on to ask how me and.....(pause while she searched my notes for hubby's name) were and when I said we were not good as the funeral had only been a few days before, she actually asked "Who's funeral? She asked whether it had been my "relative's I said No it was NOT my MOTHER'S funeral as that had been a month before" then when I explained it was our baby boys she was surprised we had not gone along with the hospital service.

So I now have just under another MONTH to wait for my appointment to possibly find out whether Bailey's bladder caused his death and maybe why it happened as his condition is very rare.

In that month we also have my mums birthday, when we are driving ourselves, the boys, my dad and my brother all the way to Somerset to visit my older brother in his care home and to scatter some of mums ashes.
My dad's birthday is 3 days after that.
Hubby has insisted on taking me away for a long weekend in November and my dad will be moving in for the weekend (probably my brother too) to look after the boys while we are away. I am not sure how I feel about going, I am sure I will not be the best company then like I am not at the moment, hence not seeing anyone much I guess, no one wants to confronted with this much grief (not that I am showing it to anyone but never mind.)
Then in December before we even try to tackle Christmas we have my mum and dads wedding anniversary to cope with.
Christmas is something I am dreading with every part of me.

Cannot say good bye so it is goodnight my angel.

I just wanted to start this blog by explaining that while I KNOW my baby is dead, the fact I cannot say goodbye to him does not mean I am in some sort of denial.

Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.

I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.

When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.

Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey. 
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.

I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow

My mother and father in law arrived next followed by one friend who had taken me to the various scary early scans and comforted me when I lost my little April baby.

Then one of my closest and oldest friends came after hubby picked her up from station.

Then it seemed minutes before hubby said we needed to leave for the drive to the crematorium.

I carried Bailey on my lap the whole way, it really started to hit hubby when we pulled into the crematorium and were met by the lovely funeral director who led us right to the chapel door while the other 2 cars went to the car park.

The vicar was there waiting for us too. I just held Bailey and wished I never had to let him go.

We removed the single white rose we had asked be added to the rainbow and placed it on top of Bailey's bed as we carried him into the chapel behind the funeral director and vicar.

I had especially chosen a particular song and was halfway along the aisle before it started to play, I had been worried when it had not started straight away. The song was Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good. I had printed off the perfect words and put them in with Bailey too.

We walked to the front of the chapel and together hubby and I placed our precious baby on the platform, we kissed him one last time.

Then we had to take our seats next to our 3 boys in the front row.

The vicar said a few prayers, then the boys stood up together at the front and read out my poem "Rainbow" the older 2 read 8 lines each and my youngest just stood with them.

Again I was so proud, like I was the day they spoke at my mum's funeral exactly one month to the day.

We all sang Amazing Grace, and hubby and I actually DID sing which we do not normally do.

Then vicar said some beautiful words and prayers for us all.

Then my heart was ripped out, it was the moment they played our other chosen music Somewhere Over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy and those blue curtains began to close around our baby boy.

I just wanted to run up and grab him back, I kept saying no and could not stop the tears, nor could hubby as he held me so so tight.

Then the vicar let everyone sit for a while listening to the song and thinking before he lead us outside to see Bailey's rainbow flowers once more.

We stood looking at those beautiful flowers for a while before the vicar and funeral director said goodbye and we lead everyone else to show them where we have ordered a memorial plaque for Bailey in the beautiful babies memorial garden.

My dad ordered a plaque and rose bush in the next door garden to it for mum so we walked there too.

After spending some time there and throwing coins in the waterfall in the babies garden we went for a coffee and a meal (one friend had had to leave for work) we paid for the meal and encouraged anyone who offered any money towards it to make a donation to the charity page I had set up in Bailey's memory to raise money for the SANDS charity (For stillbirth and neonatal death) 

http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green6

It was the hardest day.

Coming home without him and seeing my dad suffering so much not having my mum there breaks my heart.

Can't find the words. (Warning possible TMI)

Starting off by following on from my last blog where we were given the great news that all our baby's CVS test results had come back normal and we had been told we were having our 4th little boy.
This was the Monday (3rd September 2012)

My hubby and our 3 boys were still away on the holiday I lost and I was still looking after my dad and brother and planning my mum's funeral as my dad was not able to.
Hubby and the kids came home on the Thursday afternoon.

The next morning we sent to see my Mum in the funeral home, then a couple of hours later it was our next scan at Queen Charlottes fetal care to check on baby's bladder.
We were seen by a student doctor, we were telling her about losing my mum, then we were in the scan room, the same one I had had my horrible CVS test in a few weeks earlier.
As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the scanner and little man appeared on screen I knew, I kept saying "He's not moving, he's not moving" hubby and the doctor kept saying he might be sleeping and he's only young, but I just knew.
She turned the screen away from me but hubby could see and we were shaking our heads at each other.
She was quite choked up as she said it did not look good but that she needed to get another doctor to check for her, she tried to find someone but the other doctor was busy so we were moved to yet another "Quiet room" (Have lost count how many we have been in this Summer)
We waited in their with the box of tissues and cups of water once again.
Then this lovely doctor lead us back to the scan room, she kept stroking my back as we walked along.

We were lead to another scan room and she started the scan with the screen turned away from me, but hubby could still see it and sat there again shaking our heads as we knew baby was gone.
Hubby had tears in his eyes, I will never forget that look.
Then she asked if I wanted to see the screen so she could explain what had happened.
She showed us how big baby's bladder had got since the last scan 2 weeks before, she said it had pushed all his little organs into his chest and stopped his little heart.
She also pointed out his head was slightly mishapped and said this was because he had drank all the amniotic fluid around him and not been able to wee it out like he needed to so there was none left to protect him.
At the time she said it was hard to tell but she thought he might have died a week before which would have been around same time as my mum had died.
She talked about what needed to happen next, saying I could either have the surgical option where they would "remove everything" under general anesthetic, but said this meant we would not get to see him and no post mortem could be done, or that there was the medical option where I would need to be induced and give birth.

We were ushered back into the quiet room and told we could use our mobiles to phone family with the awful news while she phoned our local hospital (Hillingdon) to get us an appointment as soon as possible to discuss our options.
Phoning my already drowning in grief dad to tell him his grandson had died was devastating.
As I was talking to my dad I could hear hubby breaking down on the phone trying to tell his mum our baby was dead. He even had to phone her back as he was to upset to get the words out.

The doctor came back saying Hillingdon would see us first thing on the Monday morning and that they thought the induction was the best option.
Then that was it and we were on our way home to my dad and our 3 boys who we then also had to break the news to.

A few days later it was Monday morning, we had to go to the antenatal department, it felt like forever waiting at that desk, the receptionist tried to phone the specialist midwife we were to see and then told us to wait in the main waiting area with all the happy pregnant women, I fell apart and shocked the poor woman by saying "My baby is dead, I can't be in here, I'll wait outside" She then sent us to wait in...a quiet room.
The specialist midwife was lovely, hubby told her about my mum and she said they would delay any treatment until after my mum's funeral which was 2 days later.
She carefully explained induction was my only option because I was too far along for them to safely operate on me.
She talked a little about funerals and post mortems but said it was not the right time to go into detail as I had enough to cope with.

We were told to come back first thing Thursday morning (the day after my mum's funeral) so she could give me a tablet to block the progesterone, end my pregnancy and tell my body to start preparing for labor.

So I had to then go through my mum's funeral carrying my longed for and now dead baby inside me, as I was 4 months pregnant I was showing, we asked the vicar to include our baby we have named Bailey in the service and I mentioned him briefly in my speech, but I still had people asking me about him all day.

The next morning we went back to the midwife at the hospital and I had my blood pressure and temperature taken, was then given the tablet and had to stay to be monitored for an hour.
She spoke to us in more detail  about whether we should have a full or partial post mortem, we decided on a full.
She also spoke about funerals and we decided to go for the hospital service where we would be with other parents of babies who also died before 24 weeks, the vicar would then see us alone with Bailey who would have his own coffin.
The babies would all then go to where my mum was cremated to be cremated, no relatives attend this as it is not a service.
Ashes would then be scattered in their memorial gardens as there would not be many. It felt wrong but I did not know what else to do, could not think straight, talking about a funeral for the baby I was STILL carrying.

Taking that tablet was so so hard and I nearly didn't do it but I know I had no choice as I would become ill and could not help my baby anyway.
My blood pressure and temp were checked again and then we left with an appointment to be admitted on a particular ward 2 days later at am Saturday.
I was told if anything started happening before I was told to go to A & E and they would send me straight to the ward.

The very next morning we had to take my dad and brother to collect my mum's ashes.
All of them spent the day with us.
Suddenly at about 5pm that evening I had gone to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding, I called hubby and suddenly had this sudden awful pain in my lower back.
He rushed me to A & E in the car and grabbed a paramedic when we got there who wheeled me in in a chair while hubby got his car out of the way.
We were sent through to the assessment area who I hate to say were useless and actually made everything 100% harder on us.
The nurse we spoke to first was callous, we explained everything carefully and I was told she did not have a cubicle clean for me and that she could not/would not send me to the ward until she knew I was safe with my bleeding and pain, she told us to go to the main waiting area.
Hubby refused and expalined again what the situation was and that we would stand in the corridor just outside her door until she did something which we did.
We could hear this woman on the phone saying she did not know what our problem was and was not sure whether I was having a TERMINATION, a miscarriage or stillbirth!
She did not know my name as she had not even listened and had refused to take my maternity notes so even had to come back and ask  my name again.

We were then brought back into the assessment area and I was left outside an open cubicle which still had a patient and relative in who were blatantly talking about me saying that is the girl thats pregnant and her baby is dead!
I put them straight and got hubby to move me.
I was in agony and still bleeding.
I was eventually moved into the cubicle (after having to give up my wheelchair to another patient!)
I had my blood pressure checked about 40 mins later and nothing was said when it was high, same with my heart rate as I was told later.
I was not checked for how much I was bleeding, not given anything for pain, blood was taken after another hour and a cannular fitted in my arm but not used.

After a lifetime I told hubby I was NOT giving birth to my dead baby in this horrible A & E and was going to go home as I would rather have him in our car or home than what was happening.
He ran and asked someone to try phoning the ward again as I was going to leave, then magically someone came down from there and said they wanted to admit me overnight in case baby came, did not want to examine me for fear of starting things off more before my specialist midwife came for me in the morning as originally booked.
They took a while but managed to get me a bed in a side room and said hubby could stay in case anything else happened.
I was on the ward by 10.30pm (about 5 hours after rushing to A & E)
My dad and brother stayed the night at our house with the boys.

The pain and bleeding eased overnight, but neither of us got much sleep.
In the morning my lovely specialist and very experienced in stillbirths midwife came, she and the not so nice doctor went through all the official paperwork for funeral and post mortem.
I was struggling enough to sign everything when the back pain returned even worse.
The doctor left to go and get the pessary to induce my labour, I felt a gush and was scared the bleeding was worse, I was asking hubby to help me check when, suddenly our baby arrived, all by himself, this was 9.24am.
I was terrified, hubby ran and called the midwife back who helped me to carefully and awkwardly get back onto the bed (as I had been standing when he came)
She was so lovely, she put a sheet across my chest and lifted little Bailey onto it, positioning  him so we could clearly see his face.
She made him a little cot, it was a little box/tray wrapped in a white sheet with a knitted blue tiny blanket in, Bailey himself was wrapped in this beautiful specially made cover with little blue flowers with lace around it, it was fastened around him with a blue ribbon so all that was showing was his little head and tiny bit of his chest.
She laid him in his cot next to me on the bed.

Suddenly all hell broke loose, I knew she was trying to get my placenta out, but was not worried as I know it can take a little while after the birth,
She called the doctor in and said she  could not find it, this awful woman was really rough examining me, then asked the midwife if she was sure the placenta was still not joined to my baby, and even when told she wass postive, she actually roughly unwrapped Bailey next to me and POKED him roughly too.
I was horrified, the midwife grabbed him back, wrapped him back up and moved him away.
By now I was in agony from the doctor trying to find and remove the placenta so aggressively.
I had to tell her to stop, she had called a team in who ran in with equipment incasse I had a heart attack as well as gas and air and papers for me or Pete to sign to agree to surgery.
I had no idea what was going on and asked whether they were going to take my womb, they said it might have to come to it as I had already lost 800ml of blood.
Another doctor decided to try one more time to find and remove the placenta and gave me gas and air.
This worked at about 10.30am.

I was left to rest for the rest of the day so I could go home as I did not want to stay another night after Bailey wass gone.
We spent most of the day with Bailey on and off, the midwife took a lovely photo for my notes and gave us a copy. We also took some photos ourselves of each of us with him.
We got a vicar from Ickenham to come and bless Bailey which although we are not religious just seemed right.
The moment when the midwife told us the porters were coming to take Bailey to the mortuary was unbearable, we both cried.
I was discharged at 6pm with no discharge papers as they had a printer problems but did not want to wait even longer to get home now Bailey had left the ward.
Hubby went back to work 2 days later (yesterday) and I am looking after my dad again as my brother has gone back to work. He is helping collect my youngest from school.

People keep telling me I need to let myself grieve but I cannot  do that as too many people need me to be strong for them.

Bailey I will love you forever, so will your heartbroken Daddy, we are getting your name engraved in our wedding rings today and your brothers will be at your funeral service in November my precious little Rainbow baby .

Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Some test results

This morning was unbelievably stressful, I got very very little sleep last night knowing I would have to make the phonecall to the Fetal care centre for the first part of my CVS test result to tell us whether our so long wanted baby has Downs, Edwards or Patau syndrome.

We were told we had to phone between 9am and 11am, so as soon as 9am came I was straight on the phone, first I must have dialled the wrong number (thanks to nervous hubby reading out the number) as I was put through to the hospital finance department.
When we tried again we got the right number but when the receptionist put us through to the midwife the line was engaged!
The receptionist said to try again in another 5 minutes.
The LONGEST 5 minutes ever, then I got through, but had another terrifying wait while she looked to see if my results were in.
Then came the words "Helen, it's good news! the tests for the 2 trisomies came back as normal" She explained this ruled out the most serious conditions and reminded us we would need to wait for the other 49 karyotypes (other types of chromosomes) results that would be ready on September 3rd, 4 days before our next scan to check baby's bladder and development.

I came off the phone and burst into tears of relief as did hubby.
Hubby had been listening in on the call. We then called our 3 boys upstairs to tell them our first good news in what felt like ages.

What a difference a week can make.

I just wish I could say I mean that in a good way.

August 15th was the day I have been waiting for since the week I got that precious positive pregnancy test result, I had self referred online to my local maternity hospital and they had phoned me a few days later with the date of my booking in appointment and the date of the vital 12 week scan when parents get their first proper look at their baby looking like a baby.

I was so nervous about the scan and so scared they would say there was no heartbeat, this was my only fear but a very real one.
But I had not thought for a second of what they actually ended up telling us.
This was the first appointment  hubby had managed to be able to come to.
The sonographer pointed out the limbs, the head and the heart beating away and I was so releived.

The sonographer took the nuchal fold measurement they use to partly assess the risk level of baby having a chromosomal abnormality, I tried to ask her whether mine was in the normal range but she just kept saying they do not just go by the measurement.
We had both noticed the large dark area where I thought baby's belly was, then the sonographer started pointing at it and taking various measurements of it before explaining to us that it was the baby's bladder and that at 12 weeks + 3 days as the scan put me at, they should not be able to see the bladder AT ALL!
She said she would need to rescan within next few days, printed off a pic just of baby's head because of the bladder.
We were told to go back to the waiting room as I still needed to have my blood test to go along with the nuchal fold measurement.
The nurse taking my blood explained if it was bad news and showed I was high risk I would get a phone call within 2 days and otherwise I would just get a letter in the post. (That was a LIE)

After the blood test they actually booked my 20 week san, it is set for October 5th, this of course lead us to believe everything was ok.
Then the sonographer lead us into the "Quiet room" she said she wanted to rescan me the next day and that if the baby's bladder looked the same I would need to be referred to a hospital with a fetal care centre.
She asked us to wait in this room as the specialist midwife wanted to come and talk to us.
We waited for ages in there, then this old midwife came in and was suddenly talking about the baby developing problems with kidneys and not being able to breathe if the lungs could not develop due to the size of the bladder.
She did also say it could just be that baby had not emptied the bladder rather than that baby was not able to empty the bladder.
So we left in shock but desperately hoping for the next day's scan to be different.

So the next afternoon after another sleepless night we were sent to the actual antenatal department's ultrasound clinic (the first scan had been in the early pregnancy unit) Soon after we arrived we had our first big clue things were not right, the receptionist got a phone call from the same specialist midwife checking we had arrived and asking us to wait as she needed to see us straight after the rescan, this was called out to us infront of a busy waiting room!
Then we were called in by the same sonographer, I laid on the bed with my eyes shut willing the baby to empty it's bladder so hard.
The sonographer angled the screen so I was not able to see but hubby could and one look at his face the second baby appeared on the screen and I knew nothing had improved.
He sqeezed my hand as she turned the screen to show me that baby's bladder was so big it wass up to the waist.
Then without us asking she said she would give us a little picture because baby was posing with it's hand up like it was waving, she would not  take any money for this picture either (they normally charge £3 each)
We were sent back to the waiting area and were talking and both of us realised we were given the picture to make memories, another bad sign.

We hated waiting there surrounded by all the happy pregnant women and their familes going in and out from their scans.
Then the specialist midwife arrived and wisked us off to another quiet room. She said she was going to phone up the other hospital's fetal care centre and get us an appointment, hubby was pushing her for more information and that is when she suddenly said "What I am saying is it is looking very bleak" We both broke down in tears at that point.
She went on to repeat what she had said about the lungs and the baby dying because at the moment my body was maintaining the fluid levels around him/her but that very soon it would be the baby having to do it by swollowing the fluid and weeing and that as it was not able to wee the fluid would go and baby would not survive.
She also said this condition was often connected to serious chromosomal conditions, the ones that would also kill my baby.

She got us glasses of water and a box of tissues and went off to make the referral appointment.
She totally broke my heart by giving us no hope what so ever and even said she expected us to get sent home from the specialist with tablets to begin a termination and went on to explain how the whole awful thing  would work.
When she came back she said the soonest we could be seen was Monday 20th Aug (this was Thursday) hubby was desperate for us to be seen earlier and talked about going private etc but in the end we decided it had to be Monday.
So then we had to go home and try and explain to our families and more importantly our 3 boys what was happening, to make this even worse it was our youngests 10th birthday. (Also turned out to be the very last time we saw my mum, the boys nanny alive)
We carried on as best we could that evening taking the kids out to Pizza Hut as promised for the birthday boy.
We spent the entire weekend googling and searching for hope and information, it was the longest weekend.
We drove the kids to the inlaws on the Sunday evening so they could stay there while we went to the appointment as we had been told it would be a very long appointment.

At the hospital on the Monday (Yesterday) we were seen an hour late, it was hard but we knew the specialist had managed to sqeeze us in so had to accept the wait.
The specialist was a really warm man, he asked us a few general questions and then did another scan, he took his own measurements of baby, the bladder, the nuchal fold and everything else.
Again I could not see the screen at first and hubby could, I watched his face again, he grabbed my hand and just mouthed yes, meaning poor baby's bladder was still massive.
I tried not to watch the Dr's face, he said he would talk to us after he had done the scan.
He repeated a lot of what the midwife had said about it possibly being chromosomal and about the fluid and bad prognosis if the bladder got bigger.
He explained that I would need a CVS test to check this and that if it was chromosomal they would not be able to do anything for baby, but that if it was not then it would mean very closely monitoring the bladder and other organs and hoping for the best, but keeping in mind if things changed it would be the end. He also mentioned operating at birth.

I had to go and empty my full bladder and be scanned again to see whether the placenta and baby would move into a better position for the CVS test, I did but the position was still not right so now I had to go and half fill my bladder and scan again.
This time as soon as he put the scanner on me it was perfect position and he would be able to do the CVS, he had been chasing up various test results from my hospital that they had not given me, including the nuchal fold final result which showed I was HIGH RISK, 1 in 90 I was so angry no one had let us know.
The Dr said it justified the test even more.
It was horrific, he gave me a local anaesthetic to numb the skin, this is the only part they can numb so I felt the massive needle go through my abdominal wall, through my uterus and into the placenta and I felt him pulling it around as he took the cells he needed.
Then he checked the sample to make sure it was good enough and luckily it was so he did not need to do it again.

I was given some paracetamol and advice about risks of what had been done again, then they gave us a piece of paper with the information to phone on Friday morning at the earliest for the first part of the results which would say whether baby had Downs Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, the Dr had said it was more likely to be the other two rather than Downs (the other 2 he described as not compatible with life)
He booked us an appointment to come back in 2 weeks when the remaining chromosome results of the other possible 49 conditions would be in.

We drove home gutted again,  I had been told to rest so had to stay home alone while hubby drove all the way back to his parents place and back with the kids.
Today is another of our sons birthdays and while hubby has had to go back to work I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.

I am sorry this is such a long post and if anyone has even read it, thank you.
I am going to share both our newest scan pictures of our precious little Rainbow baby who we will know more about in a few days including whether it is a boy as I suspect now or a girl.

   

Double figures

I am now in double figures weeks wise, today I am 10 weeks and 6 days (or 7 depending how you count it) either way going by the early scan I willl be 11 weeks tomorrow.

It is less than a week until my 12 week scan now and I know I should be looking forward to it but to be honest I am just plain terrified, so scare of bad news, I know the early scan went well in the end but things can change so quickly.
I am trying to think positive but after taking so long to get here it just feels so precious and fragile to me.

I had promised myself I was going to enjoy every second of this pregnancy if I ever got pregnant, but after everything it has taken to get here I am just scared out of my wits the whole time.

It is the school holidays and hubby is working all the time, my friends are all either away or busy so apart from trying to  keep my 3 boys entertained on my own with no car I am feeling pretty lonely really.
Not missing the early mornings but I am missing the school run as at least I had someone to talk to during the day.

The scan is next Wednesday (Aug 15th) and at the moment hubby is saying he intends to be there with me, he did not come to the 2 early scans so I am just hope he means it and won't choose work at the last minute if someone in his department takes the day off again.

Apparently on the day of the scan I will also have another blood test, this along with the scan will allow the hospital to assess my risk of the baby having Downs Syndrome or other conditions.
This scares me too as I know my risk might be raised as I am now 10 years older than when I last had a baby.
I have an appointment the next day with the consultant for the first time which I am a bit nervous about as this is the same consultant who I was under for my prolapse and she had said that if I did get pregnant again she would strongly reccomend an elective c section as birth would be risky to my health physically.

The day I see the consultant is also my youngest son's 10th birthday and the day my eldest son is getting his AS Level exam results, so a manic day, hubby of course will be at work but my parents are popping over in the afternoon.

Pregnancy wise I am actually feeling more sick than ever, I never felt as sick in my other pregnancies so I am surprised I am feeling more sick instead of less the nearer I get to 3 months.
I am stilll unbelievably tired all the time.

I have had my booking in appointment a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my youngest with me which did make it hard work as I was not able to say things I wanted to and he kept interupting.
The midwife took my bloods, did my weight, height, blood pressure and checked a sample and said everything was fine, I am hoping to get blood test results when I see consultant, but am hoping as I have not heard anything that no news is good news.
The midwife agreed I need to be under the consultant rather than midwives only care.

Although I have told quite a few people now, hubby has not told anyone at his work or anything so hopefully once the scan has been done and as long as it goes ok we can go totally public as I will be 3 months.

So I guess I will update next week .....

A little more hope

I am writing this on the Monday following my rescan.
I was going to waffle on before this but just can't lol
I was absolutely terrified about it, I was so scared they might still only see an empty little sac, I could not sleep a wink the night before and felt so ill all evening.
The scan went well, really well,except my hubby did not come to this one either unfortunately which was upsetting.
But the same friend was very keen to come with me bless her.
We were seen late of course but had another very nice sonographer who as soon as she started the internal scan she said it was good news which was the biggest relief.

She then asked me again to tilt my hips up (Must remember to ask whether I have a funny shaped uterus lol)
Then she turned the screen to me and I saw my little rainbow (A beautiful term for babies conceived after a loss)
This little thing was wrigging away and I could see the tiny heart beating away even before she pointed it out to me
My friend said he/she looked like a little HAMSTER!!!
I was amazed how much bigger Rainbow seemed than I had expected and also that so much could have changed in just 2 weeks since the first scan.
I asked for a picture and was given ...

She said I was going to be 8 weeks the following day and so my new estimated due date was a few days later than it had been going by my last period, my new date is March 1st, although this might of course change at my 12 week scan in 3 weeks time.

I got a call from my gp saying I needed to see her for my first antenatal last week, I went to this and to be honest it was a bit pointless.

She gave me my hospital notes file but did not fill anything in, no medical history etc at all. She did take my blood pressure and weight and said they were fine.

She also gave me the form for my maternity excemption certificate for free prescriptions and dental care which I have sent off.

I told her I had a booking in appointment with the midwife this week and she said there was no point as she had done it, but when I phoned the midwife she said gps don't do the booking in properly as they need to do bloode tests etc so I am still having my first midwife appointment tomorrow.

My 12 week scan is in 3 weeks and as long as everything is still ok we will hopefully then tell the world.

It will be a very busy day tomorrow as it is also the day the Olympiic torch arrives in our town.



Hello again hope!!!!

First of all to anyone who follows my blog (If there is anyone of course lol) I am sorry it has been a while since I last updated, but things have been busy.

On June the 16th, the day before Fathers Day here in the UK, about 4 days before my second period after my miscarriage was due we were going to a family birthday barbque I randomly decided to take a First Response pregnancy test, it was only 11 days past ovulation (i had got a positive opk on cd14) so was not really expecting anything....
BUT the fanitest pink line appeared, I carried that test around with me all day and kept looking at it trying so hard not to get excited and in fact tried to convince myself I seeing things.


I took another First Response two days later and the line was much clearer, then still not totally convinced I took a Clearblue digital test another two days later and the word "PREGNANT" came up straight away, then after what felt like ages up came 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears as it instantly reminded me of the same test result a week before I lost my little one in April.

I never got any further than the 1-2 weeks in that pregnancy so I must admit I did become a bit obsessed with needing to see those weeks go up.
So I took another digital five days later and was so relieved to see 2-3 weeks pop up after what felt like a lifetime again.
I was more impatient this time and  only waited till the end of that week to take yet another digital test and was a little gutted to see another 2-3 weeks instead of the 3+ I so desperately wanted to see.
A few days later after talking to online communities I did take another digital and was stunned when despite not taking it first thing in the morning the words PREGNANT and the precious 3+ popped up super fast!!!

We kept our appointment with the fertility specialist, for some reason it was not the man I usually see, but some locum who was basically just pleased to get the chance to discharge a patient and kept saying that it was brilliant I had managed to get pregnant twice on Clomid, despite the fact I had miscarried the first time and it was only 2 months before.
I told her how scared I was of going through it again and she said I should ask the early pregnancy unit for an early scan, I then had to explain it is not as easy as that as I know from having my youngest it was hard for my gp to get me seen there even when I was bleeding so eventuallly she said she would try talking to them while we waited in the waiting area again.
The nurse came back with an appointment for.... TODAY!!!!!

I am writing the rest of this post AFTER the scan.....

As is always the way the scan ended up being the day hubby could not  make it as he had his poor uncle's funneral a long way away.
Luckily a friend offered to come with me, she drove and I paid for the car park.
I was so so nervous sitting in the waiting room, made worse by the fact that the fertility nurse had phoned me in the morning and when I had told her I was nervous her strange and scary response was to say "So am I"
So by the time I was called into the scan room I was shaking.
As I was under 8 weeks they had to do an internal scan which although uncomfortable was not painful.
I could not see the screen but after the lady doing the scan asked me to raise my hips on my hands I knew there probably was not much to see.
They had said when I came in that it was too early to see anything, but I was still disappointed when they said all they could see was a gestational sac, they said this was good news as it was proof of pregnancy, proof it was not in a tube and that it was the right size.
They booked me to come back in exactly 2 weeks time when they said they expect to see the baby and heartbeat.
So that means two more weeks of worry.

I am not sure whether hubby will even be at that one either, have to wait and see, but at least my friend is keen to come with me again if he can't.

We did go ahead and tell our kids about the baby last night, we talked about it and decided we would have told them by now if I had not been having the scans and I hated to keeping it all from them.
We have of course explained it is early days and what they said about the scan but they seemed happy.
Just hope I don't let them down again.

Hubby has told his family,and mine know but I am waiting to do the whole Facebook thing once I have had my 12 week scan next month.
So here we go again lol ........

Two months

I am just doing an update, I wanted to do it today as unbelievably it is exactly two months today since I lost my little one.
I can't decide whether that seems like a long time or not, but it just feels like I have been grieving for her forever, maybe that is due to having tried for her for such a long time.

I am saying her as when I think of the baby I seem to get this strong feeling it was a girl, I thought at first this was because I could not face thinking of the baby as a boy as then I could picture the baby looking like my 3 other boys and that is heartbreaking.
But lately when I have thought or dreamed about the baby the name Grace keeps coming to mind which is strange as it is not a name I have ever considered.

I have tried talking to hubby about this but he cannot handle the idea of names or of imagining what sex little one was and said I should just call it bubba or little one which is what I say when I talk to him or anyone about it.

So cycle wise today is CD22 and I am 8DPO, I am totally ignoring my body this month so not looking out for any signs or symptoms as it is too much to deal with.
This weekend we have my brother in laws birthday bar b que and then the next day we are probably going out for a meal with my parents for fathers day.
On fathers day I will be 12DPO which is when I got myfirst positive pregnancy test result with the little one so in theory I could take a test then as it will only be 2 or 3 days before period should be due.
I am in two minds whether to take it for many reasons.
I am obviously scare of yet more disappointment, but I am also terrified of finding out so early again only to lose it again.
But then one of the saddest things about losing my little one after trying for so long was that we never got the chance to celebrate the fact I had finally managed to get pregnant after all that time, we never got the chance to share the good news or even be congratulated, I know that might sound silly but it matters as on some level it is like my longed for baby never even exisited and that still kills me every day.

The other reason I feel I maybe should test are with the two get togethers at the weekend people will expect me to drink and being around so many people I will feel like drinking so obviously it would be great to know whether I could drink or not.
I still find these big get togethers so difficult, I have still not been able to tell my parents about little one which as much as I know is probably as hubby says my only option, still really hurts when I am sitting in a room (usually a pub or restaurant) with them knowing they do not have the slightest idea what their daughter is going through.
My mother in law knows and I told my brother in laws girlfriend (Because I got a bit upset when she askked how the trying to conceive was going) but I have no idea whether they have told anyone else in the family as nothing has been said.

I got a message from my lovely cousin saying she had guessed from things on Facebook what had happened, so although I have not mentioned it on there people must be able to guess maybe they can see the links etc I have liked, I don't know.
She was lovely about it bless her.

I have coped with some truly horrific things in my life but for some reason this is something I am struggling to get over and I do not feel like the same person any more.
I do not feel normal and have not felt so totally alone for years.
I need to try and get back to some normality but have no idea how and am finding it hard to reach out to anyone as I feel I am alone.

Sorry this blog has become a downer again but it is my only place to open up really.

Hubby is definitely coming with me to "My" fertility appointment (ass he refers to it as) in just under two weeks, I am starting to dread it as I have this massive fear they are going to say that once I finish my Clomid in two months time that that is it, no more help and I really feel I cannot get pregnant without it as I clearly for some reason despite what OPKs might say do NOT ovulate without it. I think the fact that I did not get pregnant at all until my third month on Clomid (the first Clomid month we were able to try properly due to hubby's awful illness)
proves that.

Maybe I will have to try to accept that my lost little one was my only chance and I blew it somehow.