This morning was unbelievably stressful, I got very very little sleep last night knowing I would have to make the phonecall to the Fetal care centre for the first part of my CVS test result to tell us whether our so long wanted baby has Downs, Edwards or Patau syndrome.
We were told we had to phone between 9am and 11am, so as soon as 9am came I was straight on the phone, first I must have dialled the wrong number (thanks to nervous hubby reading out the number) as I was put through to the hospital finance department.
When we tried again we got the right number but when the receptionist put us through to the midwife the line was engaged!
The receptionist said to try again in another 5 minutes.
The LONGEST 5 minutes ever, then I got through, but had another terrifying wait while she looked to see if my results were in.
Then came the words "Helen, it's good news! the tests for the 2 trisomies came back as normal" She explained this ruled out the most serious conditions and reminded us we would need to wait for the other 49 karyotypes (other types of chromosomes) results that would be ready on September 3rd, 4 days before our next scan to check baby's bladder and development.
I came off the phone and burst into tears of relief as did hubby.
Hubby had been listening in on the call. We then called our 3 boys upstairs to tell them our first good news in what felt like ages.
Friday, 24 August 2012
Tuesday, 21 August 2012
What a difference a week can make.
I just wish I could say I mean that in a good way.
August 15th was the day I have been waiting for since the week I got that precious positive pregnancy test result, I had self referred online to my local maternity hospital and they had phoned me a few days later with the date of my booking in appointment and the date of the vital 12 week scan when parents get their first proper look at their baby looking like a baby.
I was so nervous about the scan and so scared they would say there was no heartbeat, this was my only fear but a very real one.
But I had not thought for a second of what they actually ended up telling us.
This was the first appointment hubby had managed to be able to come to.
The sonographer pointed out the limbs, the head and the heart beating away and I was so releived.
The sonographer took the nuchal fold measurement they use to partly assess the risk level of baby having a chromosomal abnormality, I tried to ask her whether mine was in the normal range but she just kept saying they do not just go by the measurement.
We had both noticed the large dark area where I thought baby's belly was, then the sonographer started pointing at it and taking various measurements of it before explaining to us that it was the baby's bladder and that at 12 weeks + 3 days as the scan put me at, they should not be able to see the bladder AT ALL!
She said she would need to rescan within next few days, printed off a pic just of baby's head because of the bladder.
We were told to go back to the waiting room as I still needed to have my blood test to go along with the nuchal fold measurement.
The nurse taking my blood explained if it was bad news and showed I was high risk I would get a phone call within 2 days and otherwise I would just get a letter in the post. (That was a LIE)
After the blood test they actually booked my 20 week san, it is set for October 5th, this of course lead us to believe everything was ok.
Then the sonographer lead us into the "Quiet room" she said she wanted to rescan me the next day and that if the baby's bladder looked the same I would need to be referred to a hospital with a fetal care centre.
She asked us to wait in this room as the specialist midwife wanted to come and talk to us.
We waited for ages in there, then this old midwife came in and was suddenly talking about the baby developing problems with kidneys and not being able to breathe if the lungs could not develop due to the size of the bladder.
She did also say it could just be that baby had not emptied the bladder rather than that baby was not able to empty the bladder.
So we left in shock but desperately hoping for the next day's scan to be different.
So the next afternoon after another sleepless night we were sent to the actual antenatal department's ultrasound clinic (the first scan had been in the early pregnancy unit) Soon after we arrived we had our first big clue things were not right, the receptionist got a phone call from the same specialist midwife checking we had arrived and asking us to wait as she needed to see us straight after the rescan, this was called out to us infront of a busy waiting room!
Then we were called in by the same sonographer, I laid on the bed with my eyes shut willing the baby to empty it's bladder so hard.
The sonographer angled the screen so I was not able to see but hubby could and one look at his face the second baby appeared on the screen and I knew nothing had improved.
He sqeezed my hand as she turned the screen to show me that baby's bladder was so big it wass up to the waist.
Then without us asking she said she would give us a little picture because baby was posing with it's hand up like it was waving, she would not take any money for this picture either (they normally charge £3 each)
We were sent back to the waiting area and were talking and both of us realised we were given the picture to make memories, another bad sign.
We hated waiting there surrounded by all the happy pregnant women and their familes going in and out from their scans.
Then the specialist midwife arrived and wisked us off to another quiet room. She said she was going to phone up the other hospital's fetal care centre and get us an appointment, hubby was pushing her for more information and that is when she suddenly said "What I am saying is it is looking very bleak" We both broke down in tears at that point.
She went on to repeat what she had said about the lungs and the baby dying because at the moment my body was maintaining the fluid levels around him/her but that very soon it would be the baby having to do it by swollowing the fluid and weeing and that as it was not able to wee the fluid would go and baby would not survive.
She also said this condition was often connected to serious chromosomal conditions, the ones that would also kill my baby.
She got us glasses of water and a box of tissues and went off to make the referral appointment.
She totally broke my heart by giving us no hope what so ever and even said she expected us to get sent home from the specialist with tablets to begin a termination and went on to explain how the whole awful thing would work.
When she came back she said the soonest we could be seen was Monday 20th Aug (this was Thursday) hubby was desperate for us to be seen earlier and talked about going private etc but in the end we decided it had to be Monday.
So then we had to go home and try and explain to our families and more importantly our 3 boys what was happening, to make this even worse it was our youngests 10th birthday. (Also turned out to be the very last time we saw my mum, the boys nanny alive)
We carried on as best we could that evening taking the kids out to Pizza Hut as promised for the birthday boy.
We spent the entire weekend googling and searching for hope and information, it was the longest weekend.
We drove the kids to the inlaws on the Sunday evening so they could stay there while we went to the appointment as we had been told it would be a very long appointment.
At the hospital on the Monday (Yesterday) we were seen an hour late, it was hard but we knew the specialist had managed to sqeeze us in so had to accept the wait.
The specialist was a really warm man, he asked us a few general questions and then did another scan, he took his own measurements of baby, the bladder, the nuchal fold and everything else.
Again I could not see the screen at first and hubby could, I watched his face again, he grabbed my hand and just mouthed yes, meaning poor baby's bladder was still massive.
I tried not to watch the Dr's face, he said he would talk to us after he had done the scan.
He repeated a lot of what the midwife had said about it possibly being chromosomal and about the fluid and bad prognosis if the bladder got bigger.
He explained that I would need a CVS test to check this and that if it was chromosomal they would not be able to do anything for baby, but that if it was not then it would mean very closely monitoring the bladder and other organs and hoping for the best, but keeping in mind if things changed it would be the end. He also mentioned operating at birth.
I had to go and empty my full bladder and be scanned again to see whether the placenta and baby would move into a better position for the CVS test, I did but the position was still not right so now I had to go and half fill my bladder and scan again.
This time as soon as he put the scanner on me it was perfect position and he would be able to do the CVS, he had been chasing up various test results from my hospital that they had not given me, including the nuchal fold final result which showed I was HIGH RISK, 1 in 90 I was so angry no one had let us know.
The Dr said it justified the test even more.
It was horrific, he gave me a local anaesthetic to numb the skin, this is the only part they can numb so I felt the massive needle go through my abdominal wall, through my uterus and into the placenta and I felt him pulling it around as he took the cells he needed.
Then he checked the sample to make sure it was good enough and luckily it was so he did not need to do it again.
I was given some paracetamol and advice about risks of what had been done again, then they gave us a piece of paper with the information to phone on Friday morning at the earliest for the first part of the results which would say whether baby had Downs Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, the Dr had said it was more likely to be the other two rather than Downs (the other 2 he described as not compatible with life)
He booked us an appointment to come back in 2 weeks when the remaining chromosome results of the other possible 49 conditions would be in.
We drove home gutted again, I had been told to rest so had to stay home alone while hubby drove all the way back to his parents place and back with the kids.
Today is another of our sons birthdays and while hubby has had to go back to work I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.
I am sorry this is such a long post and if anyone has even read it, thank you.
I am going to share both our newest scan pictures of our precious little Rainbow baby who we will know more about in a few days including whether it is a boy as I suspect now or a girl.
August 15th was the day I have been waiting for since the week I got that precious positive pregnancy test result, I had self referred online to my local maternity hospital and they had phoned me a few days later with the date of my booking in appointment and the date of the vital 12 week scan when parents get their first proper look at their baby looking like a baby.
I was so nervous about the scan and so scared they would say there was no heartbeat, this was my only fear but a very real one.
But I had not thought for a second of what they actually ended up telling us.
This was the first appointment hubby had managed to be able to come to.
The sonographer pointed out the limbs, the head and the heart beating away and I was so releived.
The sonographer took the nuchal fold measurement they use to partly assess the risk level of baby having a chromosomal abnormality, I tried to ask her whether mine was in the normal range but she just kept saying they do not just go by the measurement.
We had both noticed the large dark area where I thought baby's belly was, then the sonographer started pointing at it and taking various measurements of it before explaining to us that it was the baby's bladder and that at 12 weeks + 3 days as the scan put me at, they should not be able to see the bladder AT ALL!
She said she would need to rescan within next few days, printed off a pic just of baby's head because of the bladder.
We were told to go back to the waiting room as I still needed to have my blood test to go along with the nuchal fold measurement.
The nurse taking my blood explained if it was bad news and showed I was high risk I would get a phone call within 2 days and otherwise I would just get a letter in the post. (That was a LIE)
After the blood test they actually booked my 20 week san, it is set for October 5th, this of course lead us to believe everything was ok.
Then the sonographer lead us into the "Quiet room" she said she wanted to rescan me the next day and that if the baby's bladder looked the same I would need to be referred to a hospital with a fetal care centre.
She asked us to wait in this room as the specialist midwife wanted to come and talk to us.
We waited for ages in there, then this old midwife came in and was suddenly talking about the baby developing problems with kidneys and not being able to breathe if the lungs could not develop due to the size of the bladder.
She did also say it could just be that baby had not emptied the bladder rather than that baby was not able to empty the bladder.
So we left in shock but desperately hoping for the next day's scan to be different.
So the next afternoon after another sleepless night we were sent to the actual antenatal department's ultrasound clinic (the first scan had been in the early pregnancy unit) Soon after we arrived we had our first big clue things were not right, the receptionist got a phone call from the same specialist midwife checking we had arrived and asking us to wait as she needed to see us straight after the rescan, this was called out to us infront of a busy waiting room!
Then we were called in by the same sonographer, I laid on the bed with my eyes shut willing the baby to empty it's bladder so hard.
The sonographer angled the screen so I was not able to see but hubby could and one look at his face the second baby appeared on the screen and I knew nothing had improved.
He sqeezed my hand as she turned the screen to show me that baby's bladder was so big it wass up to the waist.
Then without us asking she said she would give us a little picture because baby was posing with it's hand up like it was waving, she would not take any money for this picture either (they normally charge £3 each)
We were sent back to the waiting area and were talking and both of us realised we were given the picture to make memories, another bad sign.
We hated waiting there surrounded by all the happy pregnant women and their familes going in and out from their scans.
Then the specialist midwife arrived and wisked us off to another quiet room. She said she was going to phone up the other hospital's fetal care centre and get us an appointment, hubby was pushing her for more information and that is when she suddenly said "What I am saying is it is looking very bleak" We both broke down in tears at that point.
She went on to repeat what she had said about the lungs and the baby dying because at the moment my body was maintaining the fluid levels around him/her but that very soon it would be the baby having to do it by swollowing the fluid and weeing and that as it was not able to wee the fluid would go and baby would not survive.
She also said this condition was often connected to serious chromosomal conditions, the ones that would also kill my baby.
She got us glasses of water and a box of tissues and went off to make the referral appointment.
She totally broke my heart by giving us no hope what so ever and even said she expected us to get sent home from the specialist with tablets to begin a termination and went on to explain how the whole awful thing would work.
When she came back she said the soonest we could be seen was Monday 20th Aug (this was Thursday) hubby was desperate for us to be seen earlier and talked about going private etc but in the end we decided it had to be Monday.
So then we had to go home and try and explain to our families and more importantly our 3 boys what was happening, to make this even worse it was our youngests 10th birthday. (Also turned out to be the very last time we saw my mum, the boys nanny alive)
We carried on as best we could that evening taking the kids out to Pizza Hut as promised for the birthday boy.
We spent the entire weekend googling and searching for hope and information, it was the longest weekend.
We drove the kids to the inlaws on the Sunday evening so they could stay there while we went to the appointment as we had been told it would be a very long appointment.
At the hospital on the Monday (Yesterday) we were seen an hour late, it was hard but we knew the specialist had managed to sqeeze us in so had to accept the wait.
The specialist was a really warm man, he asked us a few general questions and then did another scan, he took his own measurements of baby, the bladder, the nuchal fold and everything else.
Again I could not see the screen at first and hubby could, I watched his face again, he grabbed my hand and just mouthed yes, meaning poor baby's bladder was still massive.
I tried not to watch the Dr's face, he said he would talk to us after he had done the scan.
He repeated a lot of what the midwife had said about it possibly being chromosomal and about the fluid and bad prognosis if the bladder got bigger.
He explained that I would need a CVS test to check this and that if it was chromosomal they would not be able to do anything for baby, but that if it was not then it would mean very closely monitoring the bladder and other organs and hoping for the best, but keeping in mind if things changed it would be the end. He also mentioned operating at birth.
I had to go and empty my full bladder and be scanned again to see whether the placenta and baby would move into a better position for the CVS test, I did but the position was still not right so now I had to go and half fill my bladder and scan again.
This time as soon as he put the scanner on me it was perfect position and he would be able to do the CVS, he had been chasing up various test results from my hospital that they had not given me, including the nuchal fold final result which showed I was HIGH RISK, 1 in 90 I was so angry no one had let us know.
The Dr said it justified the test even more.
It was horrific, he gave me a local anaesthetic to numb the skin, this is the only part they can numb so I felt the massive needle go through my abdominal wall, through my uterus and into the placenta and I felt him pulling it around as he took the cells he needed.
Then he checked the sample to make sure it was good enough and luckily it was so he did not need to do it again.
I was given some paracetamol and advice about risks of what had been done again, then they gave us a piece of paper with the information to phone on Friday morning at the earliest for the first part of the results which would say whether baby had Downs Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, the Dr had said it was more likely to be the other two rather than Downs (the other 2 he described as not compatible with life)
He booked us an appointment to come back in 2 weeks when the remaining chromosome results of the other possible 49 conditions would be in.
We drove home gutted again, I had been told to rest so had to stay home alone while hubby drove all the way back to his parents place and back with the kids.
Today is another of our sons birthdays and while hubby has had to go back to work I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.
I am sorry this is such a long post and if anyone has even read it, thank you.
I am going to share both our newest scan pictures of our precious little Rainbow baby who we will know more about in a few days including whether it is a boy as I suspect now or a girl.
Thursday, 9 August 2012
Double figures
I am now in double figures weeks wise, today I am 10 weeks and 6 days (or 7 depending how you count it) either way going by the early scan I willl be 11 weeks tomorrow.
It is less than a week until my 12 week scan now and I know I should be looking forward to it but to be honest I am just plain terrified, so scare of bad news, I know the early scan went well in the end but things can change so quickly.
I am trying to think positive but after taking so long to get here it just feels so precious and fragile to me.
I had promised myself I was going to enjoy every second of this pregnancy if I ever got pregnant, but after everything it has taken to get here I am just scared out of my wits the whole time.
It is the school holidays and hubby is working all the time, my friends are all either away or busy so apart from trying to keep my 3 boys entertained on my own with no car I am feeling pretty lonely really.
Not missing the early mornings but I am missing the school run as at least I had someone to talk to during the day.
The scan is next Wednesday (Aug 15th) and at the moment hubby is saying he intends to be there with me, he did not come to the 2 early scans so I am just hope he means it and won't choose work at the last minute if someone in his department takes the day off again.
Apparently on the day of the scan I will also have another blood test, this along with the scan will allow the hospital to assess my risk of the baby having Downs Syndrome or other conditions.
This scares me too as I know my risk might be raised as I am now 10 years older than when I last had a baby.
I have an appointment the next day with the consultant for the first time which I am a bit nervous about as this is the same consultant who I was under for my prolapse and she had said that if I did get pregnant again she would strongly reccomend an elective c section as birth would be risky to my health physically.
The day I see the consultant is also my youngest son's 10th birthday and the day my eldest son is getting his AS Level exam results, so a manic day, hubby of course will be at work but my parents are popping over in the afternoon.
Pregnancy wise I am actually feeling more sick than ever, I never felt as sick in my other pregnancies so I am surprised I am feeling more sick instead of less the nearer I get to 3 months.
I am stilll unbelievably tired all the time.
I have had my booking in appointment a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my youngest with me which did make it hard work as I was not able to say things I wanted to and he kept interupting.
The midwife took my bloods, did my weight, height, blood pressure and checked a sample and said everything was fine, I am hoping to get blood test results when I see consultant, but am hoping as I have not heard anything that no news is good news.
The midwife agreed I need to be under the consultant rather than midwives only care.
Although I have told quite a few people now, hubby has not told anyone at his work or anything so hopefully once the scan has been done and as long as it goes ok we can go totally public as I will be 3 months.
So I guess I will update next week .....
It is less than a week until my 12 week scan now and I know I should be looking forward to it but to be honest I am just plain terrified, so scare of bad news, I know the early scan went well in the end but things can change so quickly.
I am trying to think positive but after taking so long to get here it just feels so precious and fragile to me.
I had promised myself I was going to enjoy every second of this pregnancy if I ever got pregnant, but after everything it has taken to get here I am just scared out of my wits the whole time.
It is the school holidays and hubby is working all the time, my friends are all either away or busy so apart from trying to keep my 3 boys entertained on my own with no car I am feeling pretty lonely really.
Not missing the early mornings but I am missing the school run as at least I had someone to talk to during the day.
The scan is next Wednesday (Aug 15th) and at the moment hubby is saying he intends to be there with me, he did not come to the 2 early scans so I am just hope he means it and won't choose work at the last minute if someone in his department takes the day off again.
Apparently on the day of the scan I will also have another blood test, this along with the scan will allow the hospital to assess my risk of the baby having Downs Syndrome or other conditions.
This scares me too as I know my risk might be raised as I am now 10 years older than when I last had a baby.
I have an appointment the next day with the consultant for the first time which I am a bit nervous about as this is the same consultant who I was under for my prolapse and she had said that if I did get pregnant again she would strongly reccomend an elective c section as birth would be risky to my health physically.
The day I see the consultant is also my youngest son's 10th birthday and the day my eldest son is getting his AS Level exam results, so a manic day, hubby of course will be at work but my parents are popping over in the afternoon.
Pregnancy wise I am actually feeling more sick than ever, I never felt as sick in my other pregnancies so I am surprised I am feeling more sick instead of less the nearer I get to 3 months.
I am stilll unbelievably tired all the time.
I have had my booking in appointment a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my youngest with me which did make it hard work as I was not able to say things I wanted to and he kept interupting.
The midwife took my bloods, did my weight, height, blood pressure and checked a sample and said everything was fine, I am hoping to get blood test results when I see consultant, but am hoping as I have not heard anything that no news is good news.
The midwife agreed I need to be under the consultant rather than midwives only care.
Although I have told quite a few people now, hubby has not told anyone at his work or anything so hopefully once the scan has been done and as long as it goes ok we can go totally public as I will be 3 months.
So I guess I will update next week .....
Monday, 23 July 2012
A little more hope
I am writing this on the Monday following my rescan.
I was going to waffle on before this but just can't lol
I was absolutely terrified about it, I was so scared they might still only see an empty little sac, I could not sleep a wink the night before and felt so ill all evening.
The scan went well, really well,except my hubby did not come to this one either unfortunately which was upsetting.
But the same friend was very keen to come with me bless her.
We were seen late of course but had another very nice sonographer who as soon as she started the internal scan she said it was good news which was the biggest relief.
She then asked me again to tilt my hips up (Must remember to ask whether I have a funny shaped uterus lol)
Then she turned the screen to me and I saw my little rainbow (A beautiful term for babies conceived after a loss)
This little thing was wrigging away and I could see the tiny heart beating away even before she pointed it out to me
My friend said he/she looked like a little HAMSTER!!!
I was amazed how much bigger Rainbow seemed than I had expected and also that so much could have changed in just 2 weeks since the first scan.
I asked for a picture and was given ...
I was going to waffle on before this but just can't lol
I was absolutely terrified about it, I was so scared they might still only see an empty little sac, I could not sleep a wink the night before and felt so ill all evening.
The scan went well, really well,except my hubby did not come to this one either unfortunately which was upsetting.
But the same friend was very keen to come with me bless her.
We were seen late of course but had another very nice sonographer who as soon as she started the internal scan she said it was good news which was the biggest relief.
She then asked me again to tilt my hips up (Must remember to ask whether I have a funny shaped uterus lol)
Then she turned the screen to me and I saw my little rainbow (A beautiful term for babies conceived after a loss)
This little thing was wrigging away and I could see the tiny heart beating away even before she pointed it out to me
My friend said he/she looked like a little HAMSTER!!!
I was amazed how much bigger Rainbow seemed than I had expected and also that so much could have changed in just 2 weeks since the first scan.
I asked for a picture and was given ...
She said I was going to be 8 weeks the following day and so my new estimated due date was a few days later than it had been going by my last period, my new date is March 1st, although this might of course change at my 12 week scan in 3 weeks time.
I got a call from my gp saying I needed to see her for my first antenatal last week, I went to this and to be honest it was a bit pointless.
She gave me my hospital notes file but did not fill anything in, no medical history etc at all. She did take my blood pressure and weight and said they were fine.
She also gave me the form for my maternity excemption certificate for free prescriptions and dental care which I have sent off.
I told her I had a booking in appointment with the midwife this week and she said there was no point as she had done it, but when I phoned the midwife she said gps don't do the booking in properly as they need to do bloode tests etc so I am still having my first midwife appointment tomorrow.
My 12 week scan is in 3 weeks and as long as everything is still ok we will hopefully then tell the world.
It will be a very busy day tomorrow as it is also the day the Olympiic torch arrives in our town.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Hello again hope!!!!
First of all to anyone who follows my blog (If there is anyone of course lol) I am sorry it has been a while since I last updated, but things have been busy.
On June the 16th, the day before Fathers Day here in the UK, about 4 days before my second period after my miscarriage was due we were going to a family birthday barbque I randomly decided to take a First Response pregnancy test, it was only 11 days past ovulation (i had got a positive opk on cd14) so was not really expecting anything....
BUT the fanitest pink line appeared, I carried that test around with me all day and kept looking at it trying so hard not to get excited and in fact tried to convince myself I seeing things.
I took another First Response two days later and the line was much clearer, then still not totally convinced I took a Clearblue digital test another two days later and the word "PREGNANT" came up straight away, then after what felt like ages up came 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears as it instantly reminded me of the same test result a week before I lost my little one in April.
I never got any further than the 1-2 weeks in that pregnancy so I must admit I did become a bit obsessed with needing to see those weeks go up.
So I took another digital five days later and was so relieved to see 2-3 weeks pop up after what felt like a lifetime again.
I was more impatient this time and only waited till the end of that week to take yet another digital test and was a little gutted to see another 2-3 weeks instead of the 3+ I so desperately wanted to see.
A few days later after talking to online communities I did take another digital and was stunned when despite not taking it first thing in the morning the words PREGNANT and the precious 3+ popped up super fast!!!
We kept our appointment with the fertility specialist, for some reason it was not the man I usually see, but some locum who was basically just pleased to get the chance to discharge a patient and kept saying that it was brilliant I had managed to get pregnant twice on Clomid, despite the fact I had miscarried the first time and it was only 2 months before.
I told her how scared I was of going through it again and she said I should ask the early pregnancy unit for an early scan, I then had to explain it is not as easy as that as I know from having my youngest it was hard for my gp to get me seen there even when I was bleeding so eventuallly she said she would try talking to them while we waited in the waiting area again.
The nurse came back with an appointment for.... TODAY!!!!!
I am writing the rest of this post AFTER the scan.....
As is always the way the scan ended up being the day hubby could not make it as he had his poor uncle's funneral a long way away.
Luckily a friend offered to come with me, she drove and I paid for the car park.
I was so so nervous sitting in the waiting room, made worse by the fact that the fertility nurse had phoned me in the morning and when I had told her I was nervous her strange and scary response was to say "So am I"
So by the time I was called into the scan room I was shaking.
As I was under 8 weeks they had to do an internal scan which although uncomfortable was not painful.
I could not see the screen but after the lady doing the scan asked me to raise my hips on my hands I knew there probably was not much to see.
They had said when I came in that it was too early to see anything, but I was still disappointed when they said all they could see was a gestational sac, they said this was good news as it was proof of pregnancy, proof it was not in a tube and that it was the right size.
They booked me to come back in exactly 2 weeks time when they said they expect to see the baby and heartbeat.
So that means two more weeks of worry.
I am not sure whether hubby will even be at that one either, have to wait and see, but at least my friend is keen to come with me again if he can't.
We did go ahead and tell our kids about the baby last night, we talked about it and decided we would have told them by now if I had not been having the scans and I hated to keeping it all from them.
We have of course explained it is early days and what they said about the scan but they seemed happy.
Just hope I don't let them down again.
Hubby has told his family,and mine know but I am waiting to do the whole Facebook thing once I have had my 12 week scan next month.
So here we go again lol ........
On June the 16th, the day before Fathers Day here in the UK, about 4 days before my second period after my miscarriage was due we were going to a family birthday barbque I randomly decided to take a First Response pregnancy test, it was only 11 days past ovulation (i had got a positive opk on cd14) so was not really expecting anything....
BUT the fanitest pink line appeared, I carried that test around with me all day and kept looking at it trying so hard not to get excited and in fact tried to convince myself I seeing things.
I took another First Response two days later and the line was much clearer, then still not totally convinced I took a Clearblue digital test another two days later and the word "PREGNANT" came up straight away, then after what felt like ages up came 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears as it instantly reminded me of the same test result a week before I lost my little one in April.
I never got any further than the 1-2 weeks in that pregnancy so I must admit I did become a bit obsessed with needing to see those weeks go up.
So I took another digital five days later and was so relieved to see 2-3 weeks pop up after what felt like a lifetime again.
I was more impatient this time and only waited till the end of that week to take yet another digital test and was a little gutted to see another 2-3 weeks instead of the 3+ I so desperately wanted to see.
A few days later after talking to online communities I did take another digital and was stunned when despite not taking it first thing in the morning the words PREGNANT and the precious 3+ popped up super fast!!!
We kept our appointment with the fertility specialist, for some reason it was not the man I usually see, but some locum who was basically just pleased to get the chance to discharge a patient and kept saying that it was brilliant I had managed to get pregnant twice on Clomid, despite the fact I had miscarried the first time and it was only 2 months before.
I told her how scared I was of going through it again and she said I should ask the early pregnancy unit for an early scan, I then had to explain it is not as easy as that as I know from having my youngest it was hard for my gp to get me seen there even when I was bleeding so eventuallly she said she would try talking to them while we waited in the waiting area again.
The nurse came back with an appointment for.... TODAY!!!!!
I am writing the rest of this post AFTER the scan.....
As is always the way the scan ended up being the day hubby could not make it as he had his poor uncle's funneral a long way away.
Luckily a friend offered to come with me, she drove and I paid for the car park.
I was so so nervous sitting in the waiting room, made worse by the fact that the fertility nurse had phoned me in the morning and when I had told her I was nervous her strange and scary response was to say "So am I"
So by the time I was called into the scan room I was shaking.
As I was under 8 weeks they had to do an internal scan which although uncomfortable was not painful.
I could not see the screen but after the lady doing the scan asked me to raise my hips on my hands I knew there probably was not much to see.
They had said when I came in that it was too early to see anything, but I was still disappointed when they said all they could see was a gestational sac, they said this was good news as it was proof of pregnancy, proof it was not in a tube and that it was the right size.
They booked me to come back in exactly 2 weeks time when they said they expect to see the baby and heartbeat.
So that means two more weeks of worry.
I am not sure whether hubby will even be at that one either, have to wait and see, but at least my friend is keen to come with me again if he can't.
We did go ahead and tell our kids about the baby last night, we talked about it and decided we would have told them by now if I had not been having the scans and I hated to keeping it all from them.
We have of course explained it is early days and what they said about the scan but they seemed happy.
Just hope I don't let them down again.
Hubby has told his family,and mine know but I am waiting to do the whole Facebook thing once I have had my 12 week scan next month.
So here we go again lol ........
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Two months
I am just doing an update, I wanted to do it today as unbelievably it is exactly two months today since I lost my little one.
I can't decide whether that seems like a long time or not, but it just feels like I have been grieving for her forever, maybe that is due to having tried for her for such a long time.
I am saying her as when I think of the baby I seem to get this strong feeling it was a girl, I thought at first this was because I could not face thinking of the baby as a boy as then I could picture the baby looking like my 3 other boys and that is heartbreaking.
But lately when I have thought or dreamed about the baby the name Grace keeps coming to mind which is strange as it is not a name I have ever considered.
I have tried talking to hubby about this but he cannot handle the idea of names or of imagining what sex little one was and said I should just call it bubba or little one which is what I say when I talk to him or anyone about it.
So cycle wise today is CD22 and I am 8DPO, I am totally ignoring my body this month so not looking out for any signs or symptoms as it is too much to deal with.
This weekend we have my brother in laws birthday bar b que and then the next day we are probably going out for a meal with my parents for fathers day.
On fathers day I will be 12DPO which is when I got myfirst positive pregnancy test result with the little one so in theory I could take a test then as it will only be 2 or 3 days before period should be due.
I am in two minds whether to take it for many reasons.
I am obviously scare of yet more disappointment, but I am also terrified of finding out so early again only to lose it again.
But then one of the saddest things about losing my little one after trying for so long was that we never got the chance to celebrate the fact I had finally managed to get pregnant after all that time, we never got the chance to share the good news or even be congratulated, I know that might sound silly but it matters as on some level it is like my longed for baby never even exisited and that still kills me every day.
The other reason I feel I maybe should test are with the two get togethers at the weekend people will expect me to drink and being around so many people I will feel like drinking so obviously it would be great to know whether I could drink or not.
I still find these big get togethers so difficult, I have still not been able to tell my parents about little one which as much as I know is probably as hubby says my only option, still really hurts when I am sitting in a room (usually a pub or restaurant) with them knowing they do not have the slightest idea what their daughter is going through.
My mother in law knows and I told my brother in laws girlfriend (Because I got a bit upset when she askked how the trying to conceive was going) but I have no idea whether they have told anyone else in the family as nothing has been said.
I got a message from my lovely cousin saying she had guessed from things on Facebook what had happened, so although I have not mentioned it on there people must be able to guess maybe they can see the links etc I have liked, I don't know.
She was lovely about it bless her.
I have coped with some truly horrific things in my life but for some reason this is something I am struggling to get over and I do not feel like the same person any more.
I do not feel normal and have not felt so totally alone for years.
I need to try and get back to some normality but have no idea how and am finding it hard to reach out to anyone as I feel I am alone.
Sorry this blog has become a downer again but it is my only place to open up really.
Hubby is definitely coming with me to "My" fertility appointment (ass he refers to it as) in just under two weeks, I am starting to dread it as I have this massive fear they are going to say that once I finish my Clomid in two months time that that is it, no more help and I really feel I cannot get pregnant without it as I clearly for some reason despite what OPKs might say do NOT ovulate without it. I think the fact that I did not get pregnant at all until my third month on Clomid (the first Clomid month we were able to try properly due to hubby's awful illness)
proves that.
Maybe I will have to try to accept that my lost little one was my only chance and I blew it somehow.
I can't decide whether that seems like a long time or not, but it just feels like I have been grieving for her forever, maybe that is due to having tried for her for such a long time.
I am saying her as when I think of the baby I seem to get this strong feeling it was a girl, I thought at first this was because I could not face thinking of the baby as a boy as then I could picture the baby looking like my 3 other boys and that is heartbreaking.
But lately when I have thought or dreamed about the baby the name Grace keeps coming to mind which is strange as it is not a name I have ever considered.
I have tried talking to hubby about this but he cannot handle the idea of names or of imagining what sex little one was and said I should just call it bubba or little one which is what I say when I talk to him or anyone about it.
So cycle wise today is CD22 and I am 8DPO, I am totally ignoring my body this month so not looking out for any signs or symptoms as it is too much to deal with.
This weekend we have my brother in laws birthday bar b que and then the next day we are probably going out for a meal with my parents for fathers day.
On fathers day I will be 12DPO which is when I got myfirst positive pregnancy test result with the little one so in theory I could take a test then as it will only be 2 or 3 days before period should be due.
I am in two minds whether to take it for many reasons.
I am obviously scare of yet more disappointment, but I am also terrified of finding out so early again only to lose it again.
But then one of the saddest things about losing my little one after trying for so long was that we never got the chance to celebrate the fact I had finally managed to get pregnant after all that time, we never got the chance to share the good news or even be congratulated, I know that might sound silly but it matters as on some level it is like my longed for baby never even exisited and that still kills me every day.
The other reason I feel I maybe should test are with the two get togethers at the weekend people will expect me to drink and being around so many people I will feel like drinking so obviously it would be great to know whether I could drink or not.
I still find these big get togethers so difficult, I have still not been able to tell my parents about little one which as much as I know is probably as hubby says my only option, still really hurts when I am sitting in a room (usually a pub or restaurant) with them knowing they do not have the slightest idea what their daughter is going through.
My mother in law knows and I told my brother in laws girlfriend (Because I got a bit upset when she askked how the trying to conceive was going) but I have no idea whether they have told anyone else in the family as nothing has been said.
I got a message from my lovely cousin saying she had guessed from things on Facebook what had happened, so although I have not mentioned it on there people must be able to guess maybe they can see the links etc I have liked, I don't know.
She was lovely about it bless her.
I have coped with some truly horrific things in my life but for some reason this is something I am struggling to get over and I do not feel like the same person any more.
I do not feel normal and have not felt so totally alone for years.
I need to try and get back to some normality but have no idea how and am finding it hard to reach out to anyone as I feel I am alone.
Sorry this blog has become a downer again but it is my only place to open up really.
Hubby is definitely coming with me to "My" fertility appointment (ass he refers to it as) in just under two weeks, I am starting to dread it as I have this massive fear they are going to say that once I finish my Clomid in two months time that that is it, no more help and I really feel I cannot get pregnant without it as I clearly for some reason despite what OPKs might say do NOT ovulate without it. I think the fact that I did not get pregnant at all until my third month on Clomid (the first Clomid month we were able to try properly due to hubby's awful illness)
proves that.
Maybe I will have to try to accept that my lost little one was my only chance and I blew it somehow.
Tuesday, 5 June 2012
Jubilee Weekend
As the title says this is the jubilee bank holiday weekend. I amazingly actually have hubby home for more than a weekend.
It is 60 years of having Queen Elizabeth running things, pretty amazing really.
It has been quite a manic weekend, Saturday we did our usual shopping, banking etc as hubby works till late all week it is the only time we can do the boring things.
Then Sunday hubby took us to visit his parents and we had a bar b q despite the lousy weather (lots of running in and out the garden)
It was not an easy day really as I had not seen some of the family since before my miscarriage and they had not been told so of course the question of how is the trying to get pregnant going came up.
Then Monday I had aranged to go to my friends house for a jubilee get together, I had really wanted to go as I have not seen my friends since before the miscarriage either.
But I got a phonecall from my dad in the morning reminding me we had promised to come to their local pub for a bar b q and as it is very awkward to get together with my family (for reasons I cannot go into) and because the boys had not seen their grandparents for over 2 months and as we had promised, I could not say no without it causing major problems.
I felt lousy letting my friends down, but there was no way I could win.
Today we are just chilling out watching more jubilee footage on tv and dvds before hubby returns to work tomorrow.
My dad wants to take the kids to the cinema with me (and mum of course) tomorrow as they did not do it during the last school holiday when the kids last saw them, the day they babysat so I could attend hubby's aunt's funeral.
On the ttc front...
I started back on the Clomid medication this cycle, back to the joy of side effects and raised hopes.
Today is cd14 and amazingly I have got a positive ovulation test!!!!!
It is only the 2nd time I have got one this early, even the month I did fall pregnant it was cd16.
Still going to try not to get my hopes up but at the very least it means I should have a nice short 28 day cycle for a change.
Sunday I should have been 12 weeks pregnant and tomorrow was when my 12 week scan was booked for so I desperately need something positive to try to focus on as it is hurting so much right now.
Hubby is starting to worry about me and says it is not "healthy" for me to keep track of dates and how far along I would/should have been, but I really cannot help it.
I wear the angel charm he bought me everyday.
Anyway think that is all updates I have for now.
It is 60 years of having Queen Elizabeth running things, pretty amazing really.
It has been quite a manic weekend, Saturday we did our usual shopping, banking etc as hubby works till late all week it is the only time we can do the boring things.
Then Sunday hubby took us to visit his parents and we had a bar b q despite the lousy weather (lots of running in and out the garden)
It was not an easy day really as I had not seen some of the family since before my miscarriage and they had not been told so of course the question of how is the trying to get pregnant going came up.
Then Monday I had aranged to go to my friends house for a jubilee get together, I had really wanted to go as I have not seen my friends since before the miscarriage either.
But I got a phonecall from my dad in the morning reminding me we had promised to come to their local pub for a bar b q and as it is very awkward to get together with my family (for reasons I cannot go into) and because the boys had not seen their grandparents for over 2 months and as we had promised, I could not say no without it causing major problems.
I felt lousy letting my friends down, but there was no way I could win.
Today we are just chilling out watching more jubilee footage on tv and dvds before hubby returns to work tomorrow.
My dad wants to take the kids to the cinema with me (and mum of course) tomorrow as they did not do it during the last school holiday when the kids last saw them, the day they babysat so I could attend hubby's aunt's funeral.
On the ttc front...
I started back on the Clomid medication this cycle, back to the joy of side effects and raised hopes.
Today is cd14 and amazingly I have got a positive ovulation test!!!!!
It is only the 2nd time I have got one this early, even the month I did fall pregnant it was cd16.
Still going to try not to get my hopes up but at the very least it means I should have a nice short 28 day cycle for a change.
Sunday I should have been 12 weeks pregnant and tomorrow was when my 12 week scan was booked for so I desperately need something positive to try to focus on as it is hurting so much right now.
Hubby is starting to worry about me and says it is not "healthy" for me to keep track of dates and how far along I would/should have been, but I really cannot help it.
I wear the angel charm he bought me everyday.
Anyway think that is all updates I have for now.
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