June already????

Can you believe how fast this year is going?

June already?

Guess I might as well update on this whole ttc thing, although sadly there really is not much to update on that score.

I had my clomid dose doubled last cycle, from 50mg to 100mg, I had to have my progesterone levels checked again to see whether I responded to this new dose, my level came back at 35 which according to the fertility nurse means I did respond.

I had been using a new type of digital ovulation tests, this one claims to predict the high fertility days as well as the actual ovulation days. Going by them I ovulated on cd15, but of course, then 14 days later yet another BFN on yet another test followed by yet another af from hell.

Hubby and I are due to see the fertility specialist again in July and I have to admit this time I am actually terrified as I will have had my 12 months of clomid which they said is the limit with Clomid, so I am really scared she is going to say that is all they can do for me and as I could not for some reason conceive without and now after 8 months trying it seems I can no longer conceive WITH it either.

This hurts even more than all that time I was desperate to try for another baby and hubby had doubts.

I am scared that my precious Bailey really was my last chance.

This weekend is going to be very emotional, Saturday 15th will be 9 months since my Bailey was born sleeping, then the next day is a really big one, it will be a whole year since I took that test and found out I was pregnant with Bailey, it is also Fathers Day here in UK and as if that is not enough I will be doing my first ever Race for Life for Cancer Research, I am doing it in memory of my Mum and my 10 year old son Charlie is doing it with me as I do not think I could bear the upset doing it completely alone.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/helengreen93 

 

I have been decorating the sign I will wear on my back, it was hard writing that I am doing it for my mum, another reminder she is not here. I think the race is going to be emotional to say the least.

I hope I am able to do Mum proud even a little bit because coping with her loss and Bailey's is becoming harder and I am struggling to keep up the pretence  everyone wants to see that I am ok when the truth is I am not.

Choose your own title!

Could not think of any title and as I don't really think anyone reads this I am guessing it doesn't really matter.

Ok so I will start with the whole ttc thing, this cycle was/is the fifth one on Clomid since my Bailey was born.
I have been on the same dose of 50mg ever since I was first prescribed it in January 2012, I got pregnant with little April on my third month taking it, but that was our first month we were able to actively try as hubby had been very ill, having been in hospital for 11 days.
I then lost little April at only 5 weeks pregnant, as soon as my next proper cycle started I went back on to the Clomid as advised by the hospital and then conceived my precious rainbow Bailey.

After Bailey died and was born sleeping I still had 2 months left of my 6 month prescription of Clomid, I was then seen by the fertility specialist who prescribed me another 6 months at the same dose as I had responded to it so well before.
But now it is 5 months on and despite doing everything right, we have had no luck so I spoke to the fertility nurse and asked for a blood test to check my progesterone levels to check I am still responding to the treatment.
I got the result of this test last Friday and it was not good news, the fertility nurse said my level was 14 which apparently means i am not responding to it.
So she says whenever my next cycle starts I need to double my dose and take 2 tablets for 5 days which is 100mg a day, I wonder whether this will make those awful side effects I used to get come back.
I then will have to have the blood test done again on cycle day 21 and hope it shows an improvement.

I also went to see my gp finally after trying to ignore feeling so lousy and having weird symptoms for a while, he got me to have a blood test yesterday to check for an under active thyroid if that comes back normal I then need to get more hormone tests as apparently some of the under active thyroid symtoms can also suggest perimenopause, which I can't help but feel would be pretty typical.

On top of all that I am really low and struggling right now, I have felt to tearful and alone most days, I miss my mum so much and am struggling to accept I really am never going to see her again.
Grief is the worst thing in the world, dealing with my dads grief and my poor boys grief is agony.

Ovulation confusion

Hello anyone out there!!

Well I am now over half way through my 5th cycle of trying since Bailey died.
I have been on the Clomid fertility drug for all 5 so am really starting to lose hope, I think maybe my precious Bailey really was my last chance of baby number 4 and I lost that chance.

I have asked for a blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone levels to see whether they need to have the dose increased from the 50mg I have always been on (I started taking Clomid since January 2012 with a break obviously when I was actually pregnant.)

This cycle and last cycle I did not have any ovulation tests, last month I ran out just around the crucial time and this month despite ordering from 2 separate sources (one had let me down) I STILL have none and have had to go by signs and symptoms again which clearly did not work last month.

Today is exactly 8 months since my mum died which of course also means it is fast approaching 8 months since my Bailey was born.
I miss that little boy more than ever and my feelings for him are only getting stronger, this actually seems to be normal from what I can see from the people I speak to online.
It was lovely this weekend to see a rainbow, I do not whether you believe in signs or not, but I get some comfort from them and this weekend my baby boy sent me a rainbow when I asked him to, I had been searching and waiting for one since the day after he was born (last time I saw one) I had seen on Facebook that there had been a brief one locally but had missed it, I was so upset and said out loud to Bailey how sorry mummy was to miss his sign and could he please send me another and I would be looking for it and literally 5 minutes later there was the biggest and brightest one I have ever seen and it stayed for ages getting brighter as I took photos. 

I was so happy.

The other emotional moment was when I finally received the photo I had asked the hospital for. I can finally see my baby boy's beautiful, perfect hands and little feet.

I will always be gutted we did not get hand and foot prints, but I have only learned this was even an option since getting to know other mum's who have gone through it, hospitals really need to be thinking of these things for parents and not expecting parents to think straight at such a devastating time.

Easter Again Already???

Been a while again I know, sorry, time seems to get away from me.

I can't believe it is the Easter holidays again already!
Today is April 3rd, this day last year it was the day after a picnic with my good friends, the day of hubby's lovely auntie's funeral and five days before I found out I was finally pregnant after trying for more than three years!
My mum was still very much alive and well as far as we all knew.
I had not had my early miscarriage and I had not even conceived Bailey.
I still had all my old friends in the school playground.

WOW what a difference a year makes!!

A year on my life has completely changed and most days are a massive struggle, my precious boys are suffering too, many nights my youngest comes down stairs in tears missing his nanny, everything triggers pain and memories, anything from certain films, adverts to any mention of cancer or nannies.
There are not enough words I can say to comfort him and people just do not seem to realise how much kids grieve too.
My youngest tells me he talks to my mum and to his baby brother nearly every day which breaks my heart.

He keeps asking me whether we will ever have another baby as he still wants a baby brother or sister he can cuddle.
I am trying but failing in this, I am back on the Clomid medication and am currently on my fourth cycle of it with no luck whatsoever so I am now starting to worry my Bailey really was it, my last chance.
I am debating whether to write to my consultant (as letters seem to get through better than phone messages) and tell them my worries and see whether she ups my dose.
This cycle I even tried to relax a bit more, I let myself run out of ovulation tests as last month I was neurotic taking several tests every day for days and days.
Problem is now of course I do not know for definite when I might have ovulated and so do not know for definite whether our timing was right or when I am definitely due my next period.
I am going with this weekend as when I am due on, but of course I was impatient and tested too early as always and as always got the negative.

My dad is in Ireland visiting his brothers, this is a HUGE step for him, he only left yesterday and i have already had a tearful phone call from him, broke my heart as it always does, but it was even worse hearing it from so far away.
There is just nothing I can do, the only thing that would help him is the one thing i cannot do.
I know people want me to stop grieving, but what people don't understand is i am permanently surrounded by not just my own, but the people I love's grief that I am expected to be able to cope and help with every single day.

We took Bailey and my Mum some Daffodils on Easter Sunday, I love being at Bailey's pretty memorial and being able make it special for him and as a way of remembering him and reminding everyone he exists.
I wish we lived closer.

Anyway I hope you all have a lovely, peaceful Easter break filled with fun, friendship and love xxxxxx

Missing

I have not blogged for a while, sorry, time just seems to pass me by.

So, where were we? I have not blogged since before Bailey's due date so I guess I will start there.
It was Sunday 24th February, the night before was awful, it felt just like the night before his funeral in October, except that night he had been here with us.
I barely slept and was going to get up at about 5am, hubby would not let me so we ended up watching rubbish on tv in bed.
In the morning I gave hubby the rainbow cufflinks and boxer shorts I ordered for him as a gift from Bailey, I gave our other boys a dvd of the latest Madagascar because it had rainbow colours on the cover.

We all went to the crematorium and released a special balloon for Bailey from his memorial.

We took him a little vase I had ordered and left him a single white rose like we gave him at his funeral. We also left a special card for him.

I took my mum a single yellow rose.

Afterwards we went for a meal together and that evening we sent a lantern up to Bailey.

As timing always seems to want to torture me, the following weekend it was my birthday, the first one without my mum. Hubby took the day off work to take me out, but the whole day I could not help but wait for my mum to phone like she always would do.

Another painful moment was when we got home and did the candles on the cake thing with my dad and our boys, when they all sang happy birthday and I blew the candles out I just cried.

Then the next day it was exactly 6 months since my mum died.

Then of course as the whole world seems to want to remind me is...MOTHERS DAY. I am dreading it, no matter how I think about it it's killing me.

As a daughter without a mum and as a mother without her baby, but because of my precious living boys I cannot just pretend the day does not exist.

But my hubby is being amazing, he has booked to take us to a zoo with my favorite..ELEPHANTS to get me away from everyone and all the mothers day stuff.

I feel incredibly guilty (just for a change) that he is not seeing his mum on mothers day and I am terrified something might happen to his mum before next mothers day just like my mum and that he will have missed having the last mothers day with her like I did, but i guess we cannot live life like that, I just cannot help it at the moment.

For Mothers day hubby has let me order a very special necklace with a charm that will have Bailey's 12 week scan etched into the silver heart, it won't be here in time for the day itself but at least I know it is coming.

I have also started researching my family tree, its this overwhelming need to connect with my mum. It is so interesting and emotional.

My boys are totally stressed out right now with exams, exam results and are desperately missing my mum, their nanny and their brother, I feel so helpless and hopeless.

Oh and i guess I should also mention the TTC stuff as that is what the blog was originally about.

I am back on the Clomid, in fact on the 3rd cycle, but no luck so far, just lots of lousy side effects.

I still have another 4 months worth before I go back to the fertility specialists in July.

Pretty much all for now...

HURTS

Today is exactly one month till my Bailey was due, going by my 12 week scan.
I know he would have been earlier than that like my other 3 boys, but also because I know he would more than likely have been a c section.

I keep trying to be "strong" and "positive" but when your mum and baby boy die at the same time and you are left having to support EVERYONE it makes it very hard to be those things.
I HAVE been strong and have been doing everything, both funerals etc but I think my strength might be starting to run out.

Something nobody tells you but that I want you to know incase you ever have to go through this is that when you lose somebody, or even more than one, you also actually lose some of the people you thought you had around you.
I have been so naive thinking because I care about people and would definitely be there for them that would somehow mean they would feel the same and treat me the same.
I am talking about the mums I have seen twice daily in my son's playground for years, mums I have had nights out with, talked about and supported through various worries etc, I thought this made us friends, I used to tell hubby he was wrong when he used to tell me these women were not my friends and were just people who happened to be in the same place as each other a lot.

I have made friends with different women this way many years ago and am still close to them to this day so of course when I met these women in another playground I saw no reason why they would not be the same.

But I was so wrong I have been avoided, sometimes so blatantly, and even unfriended on Facebook, which is the modern version of being shunned.
I keep telling myself it does not matter or hurt, but of course it does, I am being punished for grieving, I am sadly far from alone in being treated this way, I know so many other women who have lost their babies and then lost friends afterwards. I do not understand people I really do not.
I go from feeling furious to reminding myself I am coping with the worst time of my life without them so what have I lost?
But the pain of standing there in that playground suddenly alone when I used to be there laughing with "friends" HURTS, being told they are too busy to visit and then seeing them out for coffee together while I am sitting with my grieving father HURTS
Going on Facebook to wish someone good luck with a family issue only to realise they have unfriended and BLOCKED me HURTS
Then realising another friend I have known even longer than that mutual friend, someone I have listened to their problems for years, even at the time of losing my baby, has followed suit and unfriended and blocked me too HURTS
Walking away from the school gate alone hoping they do not see my tears HURTS.
But an even more painful moment was the day my 10 year old, GRIEVING son walked over to one of their sons who he had always played with before losing his nanny and baby brother, only to be told "Why are you coming over to us, my mum doesn't want to talk to your mum" the next day my son tried once more to talk to someone he thought was a friend and the same boy said "Stop coming over to us" This time his mother told him off for being rude, at least saving me from pointing this out to her myself.but yes this HURTS too.

Yes I say my dead son's name on my Facebook page, so what? No one else will.
I read the perfect quote on there once, it said "The instinct of a mother is to protect her child, the instinct of a GRIEVING mother is to protect her child's memory" It says it all, keeping Bailey's memory alive is all I can do, I wish I could do more and if I was still pregnant no one would have a problem with me talking about him, or if he was here and alive no one would feel uncomfortable hearing his name and I am sure no one would unfriend and block me for it then.
I talk about missing my mum on Facebook, is that REALLY that wrong??
I share poems and things others have written that express my love and grief, is THAT wrong?
I do NOT put my baby's photos on there, at first this was because I know not everyone WANTS to see him, but now it is because not everyone DESERVES to see my baby boy!

Another New Year, another heartache

Happy new year to everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas xx

As you can imagine Christmas was something my family and I had been dreading as it was the first one since my mum died. Normally my parents would visit us a few days before Christmas Day, I had invited them for the day many times and been told it was too awkward to get here with cabs etc, for a few years they had agreed to come Christmas Eve, but this had stopped too.

This year we invited my dad and brother over on Christmas Day and they came.
It was hard in the morning when my mother in law phoned to say Merry christmas to the kids as I always waited for the call from my parents and it hurt so much knowing I was never going to hear my mums voice on the phone again, I hid in the kitchen and cried.

Dad and my brother were in better spirits than I had expected but I guess like me they were probably doing it for the kids.

Boxing Day was the harder day for me, we went to the in laws and everyone was there, brother in laws, kids etc. I really struggled with the way no one mentioned my Bailey (or mum) I had given my in laws an xmas tree ornament shaped as an angel with the words GRANDSON  BAILEY on and hubby had put a rainbow sticker from Bailey in their card and still no one said his name.

I tried to keep my happy front up for hours but in the end it got too much and I ended up hiding away upstairs in tears trying to phone my dad.
Hubby ended up taking me out for a drive to get me away from everything and everyone.

We went away to Butlins for a few days between xmas and new years eve. That went well, the kids loved it.  
New years eve was always going to be a mix of emotions, I really wanted to see the back of what had been the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. But at the same time it meant saying goodbye to the last year I saw my mum and Bailey.
Again we invited my dad and brother over and spent a nice evening together.
At midnight we let off a chinese lantern.

Again it was when hubby phoned his mum to say happy new year it was like a kick in the chest because it was yet another tradition I can never have with my mum ever again.

Tomorrow is another big day, it is very special as it is our eldest son's 18th birthday, I am very excited but even that is tinged with sadness as my mum NEVER missed any of the boys birthdays, she and my dad would always come and spend their days with them, something hubbys parents have not done. She would have been so proud of having a grown up grandson. I will really feel her absence tomorrow.