Missing

I have not blogged for a while, sorry, time just seems to pass me by.

So, where were we? I have not blogged since before Bailey's due date so I guess I will start there.
It was Sunday 24th February, the night before was awful, it felt just like the night before his funeral in October, except that night he had been here with us.
I barely slept and was going to get up at about 5am, hubby would not let me so we ended up watching rubbish on tv in bed.
In the morning I gave hubby the rainbow cufflinks and boxer shorts I ordered for him as a gift from Bailey, I gave our other boys a dvd of the latest Madagascar because it had rainbow colours on the cover.

We all went to the crematorium and released a special balloon for Bailey from his memorial.

We took him a little vase I had ordered and left him a single white rose like we gave him at his funeral. We also left a special card for him.

I took my mum a single yellow rose.

Afterwards we went for a meal together and that evening we sent a lantern up to Bailey.

As timing always seems to want to torture me, the following weekend it was my birthday, the first one without my mum. Hubby took the day off work to take me out, but the whole day I could not help but wait for my mum to phone like she always would do.

Another painful moment was when we got home and did the candles on the cake thing with my dad and our boys, when they all sang happy birthday and I blew the candles out I just cried.

Then the next day it was exactly 6 months since my mum died.

Then of course as the whole world seems to want to remind me is...MOTHERS DAY. I am dreading it, no matter how I think about it it's killing me.

As a daughter without a mum and as a mother without her baby, but because of my precious living boys I cannot just pretend the day does not exist.

But my hubby is being amazing, he has booked to take us to a zoo with my favorite..ELEPHANTS to get me away from everyone and all the mothers day stuff.

I feel incredibly guilty (just for a change) that he is not seeing his mum on mothers day and I am terrified something might happen to his mum before next mothers day just like my mum and that he will have missed having the last mothers day with her like I did, but i guess we cannot live life like that, I just cannot help it at the moment.

For Mothers day hubby has let me order a very special necklace with a charm that will have Bailey's 12 week scan etched into the silver heart, it won't be here in time for the day itself but at least I know it is coming.

I have also started researching my family tree, its this overwhelming need to connect with my mum. It is so interesting and emotional.

My boys are totally stressed out right now with exams, exam results and are desperately missing my mum, their nanny and their brother, I feel so helpless and hopeless.

Oh and i guess I should also mention the TTC stuff as that is what the blog was originally about.

I am back on the Clomid, in fact on the 3rd cycle, but no luck so far, just lots of lousy side effects.

I still have another 4 months worth before I go back to the fertility specialists in July.

Pretty much all for now...