HURTS

Today is exactly one month till my Bailey was due, going by my 12 week scan.
I know he would have been earlier than that like my other 3 boys, but also because I know he would more than likely have been a c section.

I keep trying to be "strong" and "positive" but when your mum and baby boy die at the same time and you are left having to support EVERYONE it makes it very hard to be those things.
I HAVE been strong and have been doing everything, both funerals etc but I think my strength might be starting to run out.

Something nobody tells you but that I want you to know incase you ever have to go through this is that when you lose somebody, or even more than one, you also actually lose some of the people you thought you had around you.
I have been so naive thinking because I care about people and would definitely be there for them that would somehow mean they would feel the same and treat me the same.
I am talking about the mums I have seen twice daily in my son's playground for years, mums I have had nights out with, talked about and supported through various worries etc, I thought this made us friends, I used to tell hubby he was wrong when he used to tell me these women were not my friends and were just people who happened to be in the same place as each other a lot.

I have made friends with different women this way many years ago and am still close to them to this day so of course when I met these women in another playground I saw no reason why they would not be the same.

But I was so wrong I have been avoided, sometimes so blatantly, and even unfriended on Facebook, which is the modern version of being shunned.
I keep telling myself it does not matter or hurt, but of course it does, I am being punished for grieving, I am sadly far from alone in being treated this way, I know so many other women who have lost their babies and then lost friends afterwards. I do not understand people I really do not.
I go from feeling furious to reminding myself I am coping with the worst time of my life without them so what have I lost?
But the pain of standing there in that playground suddenly alone when I used to be there laughing with "friends" HURTS, being told they are too busy to visit and then seeing them out for coffee together while I am sitting with my grieving father HURTS
Going on Facebook to wish someone good luck with a family issue only to realise they have unfriended and BLOCKED me HURTS
Then realising another friend I have known even longer than that mutual friend, someone I have listened to their problems for years, even at the time of losing my baby, has followed suit and unfriended and blocked me too HURTS
Walking away from the school gate alone hoping they do not see my tears HURTS.
But an even more painful moment was the day my 10 year old, GRIEVING son walked over to one of their sons who he had always played with before losing his nanny and baby brother, only to be told "Why are you coming over to us, my mum doesn't want to talk to your mum" the next day my son tried once more to talk to someone he thought was a friend and the same boy said "Stop coming over to us" This time his mother told him off for being rude, at least saving me from pointing this out to her myself.but yes this HURTS too.

Yes I say my dead son's name on my Facebook page, so what? No one else will.
I read the perfect quote on there once, it said "The instinct of a mother is to protect her child, the instinct of a GRIEVING mother is to protect her child's memory" It says it all, keeping Bailey's memory alive is all I can do, I wish I could do more and if I was still pregnant no one would have a problem with me talking about him, or if he was here and alive no one would feel uncomfortable hearing his name and I am sure no one would unfriend and block me for it then.
I talk about missing my mum on Facebook, is that REALLY that wrong??
I share poems and things others have written that express my love and grief, is THAT wrong?
I do NOT put my baby's photos on there, at first this was because I know not everyone WANTS to see him, but now it is because not everyone DESERVES to see my baby boy!