Waiting, more and more waiting

What is left of my heart is achingly desperate to be pregnant again. On the day I lost my little one I spoke to my doctor on the phone and he brought up the issue of trying again as he knows we have been trying for years and that I had now been put on fertility medication.
He said that they are told to advise people to wait for their first normal period after the loss, he said it was only so they would be able to be more accurate in working out dates.
He said that it should come four weeks afterwards, seems so clinical and so hard to believe things just somehow go back to "normal"

I have been searching  for, I don't know, comfort, reassurance I guess from online as it seems that is the only place to find it. There really are some amazing women out there willing and wanting to show love and support to people they have never even met while they are themselves going through the same agony.
I have read other people's experiences of trying after going through this hell, but cannot find any comfort there as it seems to vary so much.
Some women seem to ovulate the perfect 14 days later and are amazingly able to conceive again as quickly as that.
Others ovulate and still get that dreaded period 4 weeks after their loss.
Then there are the women I am scared of joining, the ones who like me have been trying to conceive for such a long time and are obsessively taking ovulation tests only to never get that positive giving the hope that their fertility has not been further damaged, that not only has their baby been taken away, but also the hope of another too.

I am taking sooooo many ovulation tests I am driving myself more insane. Today is cycle day 18 if I count from that awful awful day and so far no positive result. It not only means I stand no chance of conceiving it also means my cycle will be even longer and more messed up.
Next cycle I have to start on my Clomid with its horrible side effects all over again.
It is another kick in the teeth to be back at square one with the whole secondary infertility hurt.

I have not heard anything back from the hospital, not that I think they will do anything anyway.
We went to see the inlaws this weekend, hubby had told them our bad news on the phone earlier in the week.
I was terrified of seeing them, just like I feel everytime I am seeing someone I have not seen since before this happened to me.
My mother in law hugged me as soon as we walked through the door like she always does and the tears instantly appeared in my eyes yet again.
She did not say anything just hugged a little tighter than usual.
She did ask hubby how I really was when they were alone and he says he told her I was "fragile" it's a word he keeps using to describe me and I guess is a pretty good one.
Father in law of course said nothing, not to me or his son, seems a lot of people who do not instantly know what to say think it better to say nothing.

My middle son is being fiercely protective of me and while it makes me so proud that he is so sensitive to people's feelings I do worry how it all affects him.

I am trying so hard to at least pretend to be back to some attempt at normality (whatever that is) mainly for my kids and hubby's sake who have more than enough to deal with.
I am even going to try going back to my Zumba classes this evening, not sure whether I will manage the whole hour and I know I will not manage the usual high energy, but I guess I have start somewhere.

Next day  - update I just could not face Zumba in the end, feel a total failure but I just could not face a room full of people, my lovely, but pregnant instructor and I don't think I have enough energy in me for it either, so I didn't go in the end.
I think it makes it even harder that today should have been my antenatal booking in appointment at the hospital and that is killing me.
Just to rub yet more salt in the wound, I still have to go to the hospital as my youngest is having some teeth out under a general anaesthetic and today is his pre operative assessment.

When does it stop hurting?

I am really trying to pick myself up, I have had no choice but to get on with the day to day stuff, housework, hubby's hospital appointments, school runs, appointments with the kids etc but inside I just hurt!

I got my letter from the hospital this weekend, I knew it would come sooner or later but it was still like I have this massive bruise and someone was punching it so hard.
There was one letter giving the date of my ante-natal booking in appointment, for next Tuesday and it talked about meeting my midwife and having all my blood tests done,
the other letter in with it broke my heart, it gave the date for what would have been my first ultrasound scan, when I would get to see my such a long time longed for baby for the very first time, that would have been June 6th when I would have been 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant.

I could not bring myself to talk to them on the phone or worse pop into the maternity department while at the hospital with my youngest son today and tell them I was not pregnant anymore, so I wrote them a letter telling them what has happened.

I also wrote to my fertility consultant telling him what had happened (My GP had advised me to let him know, I don't know why they could not do it for me but hey)
I have also mentioned in my letter to the fertility consultant that I have only ever been monitored via one cd21 blood test on one of the 3 months I have been on Clomid so far (I have another 3 months left of my prescriptionn)

We have decided not to wait for my first period to start trying again, my GP had said the only reason we would need to wait was to make it easier to date any pregnancy that might happen, but I am using my ovulation tests yet again and if anything somehow happens then they would be able to work out dates from that.

As much as I want/need to try again it is so sad and just reminds me what I have lost and the first time we tried I ended up in tears again.
We are planning to try to follow the same pattern of trying that we did last month, only this time I have not been able to take my Clomid as it needs to be taken from cycle day 2 and as it was not a period I was not able to take it, but if nothing happens for us and I do get my period in a few weeks time I will have to start back on my Clomid.
I am dreading that as I really struggle with the side effects as it is and everything I have read says the first period after a miscarriage is often much heavier and more painful, as I already have endometriosis mine are already horrendous.

I was really touched this weekend when I got a gift from the ladies I talk to in an online trying to conceive forum, they sent me this angel called Bright Star from Willow Tree 

We still have not told our families about the baby or losing him/her which really gets to me as it is so sad in some ways and seems insulting to baby, like they were never real and they were so real to me even if it was only for a short time.

Hubby thought it would be too upsetting to tell my family and he has said he will tell his "Eventually"

I have told him he can obviously tell them whenever he feels like it but I cannot face seeing them while they do not know as I just could not pretend everything is fine.

I am not even sure whether any of my emotions make sense as they are all over the place.

Physically I am still getting quite a bit of lower back pain so have not been able to go back to Zumba yet, I have missed 2 weeks.

I am not really losing anything else now so that is a good sign I guess and all pregnancy tests are now negative.



This is for my baby

I wanted you too much

I think my heart  knows why you just had to go

Has to be because I had longed for you so.

Wanting anything so much is just tempting fate.

So strong my yearning, my pain just as great.

Month after month of negative tests

Yet still your daddy hoped for the best.

Nearly three years of being told no.

You can’t imagine the thrill as that line started to show.

I didn’t believe it could really be true.

But that second test screamed we had finally made you.

I couldn’t stop shaking from the joy and the fear.

Something so precious and fragile was here.

We wanted time to get our heads around it.

Before the chance to be able to shout it.

To tell the world I was pregnant at last.

But my heart was lifted, then broken so fast.

Empty, hurting in every way I could be.

Finding it hard not to blame it on me.

Was it my fault we will never touch.

My baby gone I wanted you too much.

Heartbroken

I can't even believe what I am having to write.
Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) I FINALLY got my positive, but faint pregnancy test, (First Response) we were so surprised but scared to even believe it after trying for so long, I took a Clearblue digital pregnancy test the next morning and that too was positive, it said PREGNANT 1-2 weeks.
I literally could not stop shaking.
We were meeting hubby's family for a meal out later the same day, but hubby wanted to keep our news secret for a bit longer, it was sooooo hard sitting there with everyone, wanting to burst with this secret.

That evening we told our 3 boys who were all so excited, we knew it was early days but just could not keep the secret from them.
I was already getting symptoms, I was feeling queazy even before the tests, my boobs were bigger and painful and I had lost my appetite.

On the Wednesday I noticed light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom, I was worried but not surprised as I bled in early pregnancy with my last baby 10 years ago.
Then by Thursday the pink had turned red, I had some lower back pain, but as I have a prolapse I was not surprised by that either.
I wore pads all day but there was nothing on them, I tried to rest as much as I could which meant letting my poor kids down as I had planned to take them to the cinema. I left a pad on overnight, then on Friday morning I woke up and it was obvious the worst was happening.
I took my other Clearblue digital pregnancy test and it said NOT PREGNANT.
Hubby had left the house before I got out of bed and realised what was happening.
I sat in the bathroom calling him, my eldest son came and told me he had left the house and bless him he then phoned his dad and said I was crying and he didn't know what to do.

I had to tell him on the phone I was losing the baby.

He told me to have a bath and as I was getting out of the bath at about 7.45am he came home with a coffee for me.
He sat with me for about an hour before he went to work!!!
As it was still the Easter holidays I had all 3 kids home so after sitting in bed for another couple of hours (half an hour of that spent with my youngest who decided to join me) I had to get up for the kids.

Hubby had told the kids what had happened before he left for work the second time.

My youngest obviously does not totally understand why this is so sad, but my middle son is really upset and was crying a lot.

I phoned my gp as I was not sure what I was meant to be doing, I am amazed the receptionist managed to understand a word of what I was saying through my tears, but she did and the gp phoned me himself later that day.
He said as going by my dates I was only just under 5 weeks pregnant he did not need to see me and that if the bleeding got heavier or did not start to slow down by Monday I would need to go to A & E for a D & C.
He was very nice and told me we could try again as soon as I got my period in about 4 weeks time, he said they only advised waiting for the first proper cycle so they could date any pregnancy, but said to do whatever we felt.

I have been a wreck all weekend and still am, I feel like I am drowning and no one can see me.
I have had to try to carry on for the kids and this morning had to go with hubby for another of his hospital appointments.
It meant we had to drop our youngest off at breakfast club so I did not have face everyone in the playground, but I will have to later this afternoon and I feel physically sick at the thought.

I am deserpate to find a way to mark the fact my longed for baby EXISTED if even only for 5 weeks, because I had not had the chance to really tell people (including family) that I was pregnant I never got to celebrate the baby and it kills me as it is like it never existed.
Hubby has said he will tell his parents about it soon for that reason.

I am going to add a photo of my positive pregnancy test on here as a tribute to my baby too