Struggling this month

I have realised I am jut not strong enough to pretend I am "Fine" with failing to get pregant aain this month, every other month I have had my bad day and then just popped on a smile and told everyone it is onwards and upwards to the next month of trying.
But this month is different, it is because this month was meant to be OUR month, all the stress I had hoped might be causing the problem was over with and then there were all those new symptoms that were so strong even hubby could not stop saying he thought we had cracked it.
My boobs were not just a little uncomfortable as they get around that time of the month, no, this month they were agony and were masssive, especially around the sides.
Then there was the change to my mood, usually around the dreaded period time I get irritable and angry, but this month was totally different, I could not watch programmes I had seen a million times without bursting into tears (this is still the case)

I took sooooooo many pregnancy tests desperate to see that second line and praying it was just a matter of hours or days before I would see it and then the heartbreaking sight of red spots started, I still wanted to believe it was nothing and that the second line would come on one of those hundreds of tests I was taking, but sure enough the spotting just got really heavy, really quick and I had to yet again admit defeat and start counting my cycle from day 1 yet again.

It also meant I had to get on the phone to the hospital again to see whether they could book me in for the test I had so hoped I was not going to need; the HSG xray.
The lady on the phone could not have been more different to the rude, insensitive and totally unhelpful woman I had had to deal with last month.
This lady instantly said I am sorry to hear you need to have this test and asked how long my period normally lasts as they are not able to perform it while still bleeding, I half laughed as I am not consistant in any way with any aspect of my cycles any more, but told her it can be around 7 days, she asked whether I thought 8 days might be long enough, I said I hope so and she gave me an appointment for next Tuesday at 9am, she asked whether there was anyone who could stay with me after the proceedure, which luckily is the case as hubby is hopefully going to book the day off and be with me.

I am unbelievably nervous about it as I know it can be painful and also because there is always the chance it might tell me there is a problem with my tubes or womb etc.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist again untill the end of November (A LIFETIME away) so not sure how much we are likely to be told on the day of the proceedure.

Another thing I am really struggling to deal with this month is the insensitive people I seem to be having to face this week, now I know I am bound to be a little sensitive, but these people seem to think that just because I am not standing there in floods of tears, or not collapsed in a heap, that I am fine and ok with everything.
I have had to deal with a very pregnant neighbour telling me how all she needs to do is look at her other half and she is pregnant, that none of her kids were planned and that "It must be sooo annoying for people like you who are not able to get pregnant anymore to see people like me who do it without even thinking about it!"
I could not deal with it and just left but she said it as if it was fine and did not have a clue how it felt to listen to.
Then the same day I met up with some of the playground mums I know and (One of them also struggled to get pregnant after having children and does understand) but I was quite upset by another couple of them. I mentioned that hubby's boss has said he might need him to go away for work for a few days in the new year, I was not even talking about the trying for a baby thing, but one of them turned around and said "Ooooh that will mess up your little plans then, at this rate you are never going to get pregant are you?" I even pointed out that this was months away but she just said "Well you are obviously not going to be pregnant by then anyway are you"

Not wanting a row or for anyone to see me cry (Getting harder to avaoid right now) I used the excuse of my son being grumpy (which he was) and went home.
I just feel like shutting myself away, it does not help that this period is being a particularly bad one either.

Sorry if my blogs are getting a bit depressing