Well here I am at the start of yet another cycle, every one it is that much harder to feel positive.
It is the first week of the Summer Hols here and tomorrow is mine and hubby's 10th wedding anniversary, hubby bless him will of course be working as usual. I however do have a hot date to have ears syringed lol
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when hubby does get home I think we will be doing our usual celebratory trip to Pizza Hut with the kids.
I did organise a party in a local bar last Saturday, it was just for friends as my parents were babysitting for us so we decided it would be unfair to have family there is my parents could not be there.
I had managed to get in touch with an old school friend of hubby's via Facebook who was so keen to come he replied to the invite within seconds and kept sending v enthusiatic messages about the party saying he was bringing a surprise guest.
As it turns out the surprise guest was his brother who hubby had also known and who made te effort to come while his brother, hubby's actual school friend did not and did not make the effort to contact hubby who I know was very disappointed.
I have to say most people were great at letting us know if they could not make it and only hubby's and one of my friends did not bother to let us know they were not coming (despite already saying they would be there)
Anyway back to the trying to conceive thing, it is now only about 2 weeks till our appointment with the fertility people and before then we have a much needed long weekend in lovely Cornwall (where we went for our first holiday alone together) although obviously we will have our 3 boys with us lol.
Hubby has just been on the phone double checking the date and time of our appointment as he needs to book the day off work (yet another joy of him working so far away) he is trying to get his dentist appointment booked for the same day so he does not have to miss more time.
This cycle I feel particularly low about it all so am not really following my cycle too closely and have not even bought any more ovulation tests as we have bought so many and got nowhere.
By the time of our appointment it should be about 2 weeks to my next dreaded period so hopefully they will be able to tell us something lol.
Will of course keep you posted....
Well the title probably gives you a bit of clue whether this month was MY month or not, doesn't it?
Today is day 2 of an awful, agonising af (aunt flo as they call it)
I cannot even say whether she was late arriving as I am now so totally and completely irregular so have no clue when I was due on, but I can say this was the longest cycle I have ever had when not pregnant = 40 DAYS!
I had lost all control by the time the witch made a proper appearance and had taken god knows how many pregnancy tests, in fact this time I even used 3 different brands, the internet cheapies which were all negative, First Response, also negative and then I tried the test I got free in the post from a company called DuoFertility and heartbreakingly got a POSITIVE, it came up about half an hour after taking the test.
I literally held my breath until I was able to take another test, ok TWO other tests, which both were totally negative.
Then the next day AF made a very clear appearance so am left doubly disappointed and will NEVER use another Duofertility test again.
I think hubby really thought we had cracked it this time even before the false positive test result, but I just wish he would talk to me about it all more, or at all really.
It always seems to be me raising the subject and before you say it, I DO give him the chance to get a word in lol, I wait and wait for him to bring it up but...NOTHING!
He says it is because he does not want to upset me, but can he really think that just because I am not talking about it that I am not constantly thinking about it.
Now it is only about three weeks until we have our appointment with the fertility/infertility people and I have to admit the nearer it gets the more scared/nervous I get which probably seems mad as it all part of achieving something so special and important.
I am not sure what scares me the most, going through all this and being told that there IS a problem and that they cannot fix it or even that they CAN fix it but it involves some horrible treatments and yet more months of raised hopes, OR that they CANNOT find a problem and so do not know why I can't get pregnant again or whether I ever will.
At the same time as feeling all these things I constantly feel lousy that I feel like this when I am already so blessed with my three beautiful children when so many people do not even have one, but I really cannot help how I feel, I wish I could, I have felt this longing for so long now and if I could stop it, I would!
I think that is part of the reason I do not really feel able to talk to anyone about it all as I feel so selfish.
Each month it is getting harder to pick myself up and "Be positive" after every reminder I have failed again.
This month I cannot even decide whether I am going to just ditch the whole trying to pinpoint ovulation as I have been using ovulation prediction tests for months and trying at the right times and ...NOTHING!
OR I could go into it further by also charting my temperature as reccomended to more accurately confirm ovulation.
Also I realise the specialists are going to want as much information as possible so the second approach would be good for that I guess, even if it causes me to totally what is left of my mind!!!
It is the time of the month everyone trying to get pregnant looks forward to and dreads at the same time and when you have been trying for a long time that feeling only gets worse with each passing missed chance I can tell you.
Every month I tell myself I have NO symptoms, I do NOT feel queasy in the mornings, no my boobs are not any bigger than they were yesterday etc, but at the same time of course I am starting to wonder if they really are and yes today I don't feel right. That is the problem when you have been so desperate for something for so long, your mind can play the cruelest tricks.
Today is day 34 of my current cycle, I am not sure (as always) exactly when my next UNWANTED period is due as they have been so irregular, according to my online Clearblue chart thingy I am due on Friday but the Clearblue pop up thing says I am due tomorrow. But then there is the theory that you are meant to start your period 14 days after ovulation, which would mean I am due on Saturday (Oh today is Monday btw)
Following on from my last blog, I did carry on with testing for ovulation with the cheapie ovulation tests and finally did get a definite positive on day 22, they were also positive on day 23 and 24, on day 25 the line disappeared and apparently this is where you start counting days past ovulation (DPO as it is known)
So using that method I am now 9 dpo.
As I have talked about in previous blogs I have had several psychic readings done and many of them have said June was the month I would conceive so this month is even harder than the others, also it is now not long till I am due to go abroad on holiday with loads of the family and it would be lovely to be pregnant for then and even better if I was at least close to the 12 week stage as then in theory no morning sickness etc.
I do wish hubby would raise the subject with me himself once in a while, obviously I do tell him all of it, but even when I say nothing and wait for him to ask anything = he doesn't.
It is now less than a month till we go to see the fertility people at our local hospital, still not sure how I feel about that.
Wouldn't it be nice not to need it???
