Race for Life and race for time.

Well we did it!
My youngest living son Charlie and i did Cancer research Race for Life just under 2 weeks ago.
I was so so proud of him, he found it hard at times reading all the other children with Nanny written on their back signs (To say why they were doing the race) He kept pointing them out to me, I could not help reading the other signs saying Mum on, it was so emotional.
One of the most heartbreaking moments for me was coming to the finish line and seeing my dad's face and wishing my Mum was standing there beside him waving at me.
I could almost see her cuddling Charlie and telling him how proud they were.

As it was also Fathers Day we took my Dad (and younger brother of course) to lunch, that was hard for me as we went to the same restaurant we took him to last year when Mum was still alive and well (as far as any of us knew), I could not stop staring at the table we had sat at and picturing mum there.

Fathers Day was also painful for hubby as he could not help but think Bailey SHOULD have been there with us spending his first Fathers Day with his daddy.

Me and the boys had got him a special keyring with Bailey's beautiful 12 week scan of his face on, he loved it.

As for TTC I am now just over half way through my last prescribed cycle of Clomid, that absolutely terrifies me to be honest as I have now had the full 12 months they will prescribe to a patient and I have no idea what, if anything they will try next for us.

My therapist I am seeing about my grief etc said we should have THAT conversation, meaning talk about a possible cut off for trying as hubby will be 50 next year and I will be getting closer to 40, she said we also need to discuss the what if this never happens for us.

After getting  so so upset yesterday morning and the night before, we did start to have this conversation when my very concerned hubby felt he had to leave work early and came home to take me out for a while.

Sometimes this mask of "I'm so so" or "I'm ok" gets a little too heavy to hold up in front of everyone all the time.

As we are back to see the fertility specialists next month (July) we are going to wait and see what they say and go from there.

Hubby bless his heart still seems convinced we WILL get pregnant and WILL have one more baby, I wish I had his belief, I really do.

June already????

Can you believe how fast this year is going?

June already?

Guess I might as well update on this whole ttc thing, although sadly there really is not much to update on that score.

I had my clomid dose doubled last cycle, from 50mg to 100mg, I had to have my progesterone levels checked again to see whether I responded to this new dose, my level came back at 35 which according to the fertility nurse means I did respond.

I had been using a new type of digital ovulation tests, this one claims to predict the high fertility days as well as the actual ovulation days. Going by them I ovulated on cd15, but of course, then 14 days later yet another BFN on yet another test followed by yet another af from hell.

Hubby and I are due to see the fertility specialist again in July and I have to admit this time I am actually terrified as I will have had my 12 months of clomid which they said is the limit with Clomid, so I am really scared she is going to say that is all they can do for me and as I could not for some reason conceive without and now after 8 months trying it seems I can no longer conceive WITH it either.

This hurts even more than all that time I was desperate to try for another baby and hubby had doubts.

I am scared that my precious Bailey really was my last chance.

This weekend is going to be very emotional, Saturday 15th will be 9 months since my Bailey was born sleeping, then the next day is a really big one, it will be a whole year since I took that test and found out I was pregnant with Bailey, it is also Fathers Day here in UK and as if that is not enough I will be doing my first ever Race for Life for Cancer Research, I am doing it in memory of my Mum and my 10 year old son Charlie is doing it with me as I do not think I could bear the upset doing it completely alone.

http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/helengreen93 

 

I have been decorating the sign I will wear on my back, it was hard writing that I am doing it for my mum, another reminder she is not here. I think the race is going to be emotional to say the least.

I hope I am able to do Mum proud even a little bit because coping with her loss and Bailey's is becoming harder and I am struggling to keep up the pretence  everyone wants to see that I am ok when the truth is I am not.