Not getting any easier

It is now just over 2 weeks since Bailey's funeral, 6 weeks since he was born sleeping and this Wednesday it will be 2 months since my mum died and like the title says it is not getting any easier really.

Dad is still coming over every week day bless him. He has taken the massive step of starting bereavement counselling and has had 2 sessions so far, I am so glad for him and proud he has been able to do this.
This week is the first half term since mum and Bailey were taken, I am dreading it because not only should I be 23 weeks pregnant, but half terms were the times I saw my parents and when we all took the kids to the cinema together, so it will be the first time taking them with dad and not mum.

Last week we took the kids to see the Netherlands State Circus with my dad and of course my brother, our youngest (living) son was away on his school residential trip for the week but the other 2 boys loved the circus. I sat next to dad and tried to comfort him every time I saw him crying for mum knowing how she would have absolutely loved the whole thing.

I now have my Bailey's little box of ashes back home with me, I got the call from the funeral director and collected him just over 1 week ago, it was a moment I had waited for, but when I got there (with dad of course) it was heartbreaking to be handed this little box with a sticker on the top with his name and date of cremation on and an envelope with the official cremation document in.
I brought him home on the bus and put him back on the table where his little bed/casket had been 1 week before and lit his candle again.
At bed time I took him upstairs with me and put him next to my pillow on the side of the bed and he has been there every night since then (Just over a week) and when I get up everyday I bring him back to the table so he is with me.
It is amazing how right it feels to have him here.

I have been having to pester the hospital to find out when my "6 week" appointment would be as it is when I will get Bailey's postmortem results at last.
But yet again my hospital let me down. I contacted the fetal care people I had been under at another hospital from when we found out Bailey had megacystis at my awful 12 week scan until the day they told us he was dead, I had had to have words with them as the letter they had sent had, now what did they call it?..."Administrative errors" like the date I was told my baby was dead and the age of my baby.
Anyway as they were keen to let me know they were sorry for these and wanted to help I let them know I was getting nowhere trying to get an appointment date from my hospital so they phoned them and got them to phone me.

I got that call in the middle of a shop and was not happy when it turned out to be a midwife who I felt had previously let us down and made an awful time even worse. 
She yet again made it worse by first asking the stupid question "How are you?" and then said the other doctor had said it might be "helpful" to me if they let me know when my appointment was!!!
It was then I was told the date of my "6 week" appointment which was actually going to be nearly 11 bloody weeks after Bailey's birth, 11 WEEKS!!!
I was then informed postmortem results ALWAYS take longer than 6 weeks and when I pointed out strongly but politely that it was not me but them who had repeatedly told me it would be 6 weeks I did not get a proper explanation and instead was told that Baileys samples needed to be sent to specialists in various hospitals so could never take only 6 weeks.
She then went on to ask how me and.....(pause while she searched my notes for hubby's name) were and when I said we were not good as the funeral had only been a few days before, she actually asked "Who's funeral? She asked whether it had been my "relative's I said No it was NOT my MOTHER'S funeral as that had been a month before" then when I explained it was our baby boys she was surprised we had not gone along with the hospital service.

So I now have just under another MONTH to wait for my appointment to possibly find out whether Bailey's bladder caused his death and maybe why it happened as his condition is very rare.

In that month we also have my mums birthday, when we are driving ourselves, the boys, my dad and my brother all the way to Somerset to visit my older brother in his care home and to scatter some of mums ashes.
My dad's birthday is 3 days after that.
Hubby has insisted on taking me away for a long weekend in November and my dad will be moving in for the weekend (probably my brother too) to look after the boys while we are away. I am not sure how I feel about going, I am sure I will not be the best company then like I am not at the moment, hence not seeing anyone much I guess, no one wants to confronted with this much grief (not that I am showing it to anyone but never mind.)
Then in December before we even try to tackle Christmas we have my mum and dads wedding anniversary to cope with.
Christmas is something I am dreading with every part of me.

Cannot say good bye so it is goodnight my angel.

I just wanted to start this blog by explaining that while I KNOW my baby is dead, the fact I cannot say goodbye to him does not mean I am in some sort of denial.

Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.

I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.

When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.

Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey. 
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.

I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow

My mother and father in law arrived next followed by one friend who had taken me to the various scary early scans and comforted me when I lost my little April baby.

Then one of my closest and oldest friends came after hubby picked her up from station.

Then it seemed minutes before hubby said we needed to leave for the drive to the crematorium.

I carried Bailey on my lap the whole way, it really started to hit hubby when we pulled into the crematorium and were met by the lovely funeral director who led us right to the chapel door while the other 2 cars went to the car park.

The vicar was there waiting for us too. I just held Bailey and wished I never had to let him go.

We removed the single white rose we had asked be added to the rainbow and placed it on top of Bailey's bed as we carried him into the chapel behind the funeral director and vicar.

I had especially chosen a particular song and was halfway along the aisle before it started to play, I had been worried when it had not started straight away. The song was Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good. I had printed off the perfect words and put them in with Bailey too.

We walked to the front of the chapel and together hubby and I placed our precious baby on the platform, we kissed him one last time.

Then we had to take our seats next to our 3 boys in the front row.

The vicar said a few prayers, then the boys stood up together at the front and read out my poem "Rainbow" the older 2 read 8 lines each and my youngest just stood with them.

Again I was so proud, like I was the day they spoke at my mum's funeral exactly one month to the day.

We all sang Amazing Grace, and hubby and I actually DID sing which we do not normally do.

Then vicar said some beautiful words and prayers for us all.

Then my heart was ripped out, it was the moment they played our other chosen music Somewhere Over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy and those blue curtains began to close around our baby boy.

I just wanted to run up and grab him back, I kept saying no and could not stop the tears, nor could hubby as he held me so so tight.

Then the vicar let everyone sit for a while listening to the song and thinking before he lead us outside to see Bailey's rainbow flowers once more.

We stood looking at those beautiful flowers for a while before the vicar and funeral director said goodbye and we lead everyone else to show them where we have ordered a memorial plaque for Bailey in the beautiful babies memorial garden.

My dad ordered a plaque and rose bush in the next door garden to it for mum so we walked there too.

After spending some time there and throwing coins in the waterfall in the babies garden we went for a coffee and a meal (one friend had had to leave for work) we paid for the meal and encouraged anyone who offered any money towards it to make a donation to the charity page I had set up in Bailey's memory to raise money for the SANDS charity (For stillbirth and neonatal death) 

http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green6

It was the hardest day.

Coming home without him and seeing my dad suffering so much not having my mum there breaks my heart.