I SURVIVED IT!!!
Bit overdramatic maybe? But I was absolutely petrified, I even took a sleeping tablet the night before to help me sleep (Funnily enough lol) but also because I thought it might take the edge off during the proceedure if I was a bit dopey (Yes even more dopey than usual)
So yesterday morning I took my 4 antibiotic tablets and 1 strong painkiller tablet as instructed by fertility specialist. My hubby was a star, he helped get the kids all organised for school, then after the older two had left for school we dropped the youngest off at a friends house, she has a child in our son's year and had offered to take him to school for us as the appointment was early.
Then we drove to the hospital, I was feeling really sick with nerves. We parked in the hospital car park, hubby normally parks ages up the road to avoid paying the car park charges, but bless him this time he wanted to park in the car park so I would not have so far to walk after the HSG.
We reported to the main Xray reception desk and were sent along to the Clinical radiology department to wait there.
For a while we were the only people there, then a Polish woman came to wait for the same test/treatment.
A nurse came and called my name, she showed me to a cubicle to get changed into the ever so sexy hospital robe, she said I could keep all my top clothing on but everything from the waist down had to go lol.
I then had to wait in that little cubicle with its little bench and mirror until they called my name from the other side of it.
That waiting felt like a lifetime! I stood there trying to calm myself down, I was looking at my reflection (Not good lol) telling myself it would be ok and reciting a Wiccan Goddess chant that somehpw gives me comfort.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's embrace.
I invoke the protection of Divine Mother's grace.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
May the arms of the Great Mother ever surround me.
Then the door was opened and this really young assistant woman appeared, I followed her into the xray room, I asked her straight away whether hubby could be with me during the treatment, she said no because of the exposure to radiation. Then I had to answer a load of questions, name, date of birth, what day I was in my cycle, how long we had been trying for a baby, what my periods were like.....
Then the clinical radiologist came in and she was a bit older, she asked some of the questions again and then tried to calm me donw by explaining the whole proceedure, she kept saying it would be like a long smear test (Which of course sounded GREAT lol)
I watched while they moved these massive tv screen and the xray machine over a very high table, then it was time to jump up there.
I laid on the hard table and she covered me with the blue sterile sheet, she came out with the line any woman who has ever had a smear test or an internal knows only too well "Legs up, feet together, knees apart"
She fiddled about for a bit and told me she was having some trouble with my cervix as aparently it is low but points up lol
So after a change around of the equipment (Which did hurt a bit) she started pressing down on my lower half, then I felt a lot pf pressure inside and some pain.
She then warned me she was going to do something that would feel a bit strange, which it did, it actually felt like she was working on one side/tube in particular.
The next minute she was removing everything and telling me repeatedly that I MUST try THIS month.
She even apologised for making me bleed, bless her.
She said this test was also very therapeutic and people often got pregnant straight after having it, even if they have been trying for ages (How not to get my hopes up hey?)
I asked her whether my tubes were clear and she said "They look it now, but I cannot tell you much as I am not a doctor, but you MUST try as soon as possible, don't wai till next month" Lol as if I would wait.
She also said if I am not pregnant by the next time we see the specialist he will more than likely put me on medication (Clomid etc) as he usually waits to make sure the tubes are clear as there's no point taking ovulation medication if there is nowhere for the egg to go.
Then it was over and I was back in the little cubicle getting back into jeans etc as quick as possible to get out there to hubby for a big cuddle.
I walked out and hubby beamed at me and I got that big cuddle.
He took me for a McDonalds brekkie and then we went home where I crashed out on the sofa with my head on his lap on and off for most of the day.
I did feel like rubbish most of the day and had lots of pain, in fact the pain has been worse following the proceedure than it was during it.
A day later and I am still having pain and feel very tired, I am also still bleeding a bit too.
It is day 9 in my cycle and I am going to start testing for ovulation, I wasn't going to bother this month, but am curious to see whether the HSG will affect when I ovulate.
As for...trying, we are of course going to start that again as soon as my body will allow lol.
So tomorrow morning I have my HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) and I am really starting to panic, I actually feel sick with nerves.
My appointment is at 9am and hubby bless him has taken a days holiday so he can come with me and look after me the rest of the day as apparently you can get cramping etc for a day or so.
I have to take 4 antibiotic tablets 2 hours before and also some Ibuprofen about an hour before.
I am not sure how long the actual proceedure takes, probably depends how calm and still I can manage to stay.
I have been doing my usual and googling and torturing myself, but with this sort of thing you really can't win, not knowing what the test involves is just as scary as knowing exactly what I am going to have to face.
I have tried to keep myself busy and calm today, doing various exciting things like hoovering and washing, I even managed to fit in having a bath.
Shortly I have to collect my youngest son after his Spanish club and the other 2 will be home too so that should keep me busy.
We are dropping the youngest off at his friends house near his school in the morning (Bless her for thinking of offering) and she will walk him to school for us so we can get to the hospital in time.
I am trying not to expect anything from the proceedure,telling myself that hopefully because I have already given birth that it should not hurt me.
I am also desperately trying not to get my hopes up about the increased chances of conceiving I have read this proceedure is meant to give you for the few months afterwards as I am so sick of the gutwrenching disappointments.
So take a deep breath...
I have realised I am jut not strong enough to pretend I am "Fine" with failing to get pregant aain this month, every other month I have had my bad day and then just popped on a smile and told everyone it is onwards and upwards to the next month of trying.
But this month is different, it is because this month was meant to be OUR month, all the stress I had hoped might be causing the problem was over with and then there were all those new symptoms that were so strong even hubby could not stop saying he thought we had cracked it.
My boobs were not just a little uncomfortable as they get around that time of the month, no, this month they were agony and were masssive, especially around the sides.
Then there was the change to my mood, usually around the dreaded period time I get irritable and angry, but this month was totally different, I could not watch programmes I had seen a million times without bursting into tears (this is still the case)
I took sooooooo many pregnancy tests desperate to see that second line and praying it was just a matter of hours or days before I would see it and then the heartbreaking sight of red spots started, I still wanted to believe it was nothing and that the second line would come on one of those hundreds of tests I was taking, but sure enough the spotting just got really heavy, really quick and I had to yet again admit defeat and start counting my cycle from day 1 yet again.
It also meant I had to get on the phone to the hospital again to see whether they could book me in for the test I had so hoped I was not going to need; the HSG xray.
The lady on the phone could not have been more different to the rude, insensitive and totally unhelpful woman I had had to deal with last month.
This lady instantly said I am sorry to hear you need to have this test and asked how long my period normally lasts as they are not able to perform it while still bleeding, I half laughed as I am not consistant in any way with any aspect of my cycles any more, but told her it can be around 7 days, she asked whether I thought 8 days might be long enough, I said I hope so and she gave me an appointment for next Tuesday at 9am, she asked whether there was anyone who could stay with me after the proceedure, which luckily is the case as hubby is hopefully going to book the day off and be with me.
I am unbelievably nervous about it as I know it can be painful and also because there is always the chance it might tell me there is a problem with my tubes or womb etc.
We are not due to see the fertility specialist again untill the end of November (A LIFETIME away) so not sure how much we are likely to be told on the day of the proceedure.
Another thing I am really struggling to deal with this month is the insensitive people I seem to be having to face this week, now I know I am bound to be a little sensitive, but these people seem to think that just because I am not standing there in floods of tears, or not collapsed in a heap, that I am fine and ok with everything.
I have had to deal with a very pregnant neighbour telling me how all she needs to do is look at her other half and she is pregnant, that none of her kids were planned and that "It must be sooo annoying for people like you who are not able to get pregnant anymore to see people like me who do it without even thinking about it!"
I could not deal with it and just left but she said it as if it was fine and did not have a clue how it felt to listen to.
Then the same day I met up with some of the playground mums I know and (One of them also struggled to get pregnant after having children and does understand) but I was quite upset by another couple of them. I mentioned that hubby's boss has said he might need him to go away for work for a few days in the new year, I was not even talking about the trying for a baby thing, but one of them turned around and said "Ooooh that will mess up your little plans then, at this rate you are never going to get pregant are you?" I even pointed out that this was months away but she just said "Well you are obviously not going to be pregnant by then anyway are you"
Not wanting a row or for anyone to see me cry (Getting harder to avaoid right now) I used the excuse of my son being grumpy (which he was) and went home.
I just feel like shutting myself away, it does not help that this period is being a particularly bad one either.
Sorry if my blogs are getting a bit depressing
Sorry, I need to start by warning you this is a total venting blog as I have to let all this out before I crumble completely.
Today is day 33 in my cycle and according to the ovulation predicton tests I used it is also about 14 days past ovulation.
For the last week hubby and I have been becoming more and more convinced we might actually have cracked it this month and in fact I have been taking pregnancy tests DAILY (often more than one) for the last 8 days.
We have been this convinced because I have had symptoms I have NOT had the entire time we have been trying for this baby.
My boobs have been very painful which is not normal for me, even time of the month I just get discomfort for a day or so, but they have been hurting for 8 days, they have also definitely got bigger.
Also I have been so tearful, normally time of the month I am short tempered, but this tearful thing is different, I have been bursting into tears watching silly things on tv that I have seen a million times before.
But all the tests have been coming up as negative as they can possibly be.
Then this morning there was pale pink spotting inside which was devastating.
Hubby will not be home from work for another 7 and a half hours, I am not telling him about the spotting until he comes home, because as he works so far from home I know he hates knowing I am so upset when he is so far away and cannot do anything about it, bless him.
It is so much worse this month for it to be looking like yet another failure, because this month IS soooo different and because for the first time I can see hubby actually wants this baby too.
Yesterday we went out looking at bigger cars and he was even talking about where a baby seat would go.
Hubby really thought this month would be the one because all the stresses I have had this year were finally over.
So now if this really is not our month yet again, I will be back to hoping the hospital will be able to finally do the scary HSG xray on my tubes that they let me down with last month.
I have to let them know as soon as I definitely start my period as the test has to be performed within the first 10 days of my cycle, but also cannot be performed while there is any bleeding, as my periods can go on for as long as 6 to 10 days I am also worried about this.
We are due to see out fertility specialist again at the end of November and he obviously wants all the tests he ordered done by then, we only have the HSG and a repeat sperm analysis to get done.
He wants hubby to take Wellman conception vitamins for 2 months before repeating the analysis as he wants to see whether it improves the motility at all, he had started taking them again but after a mystery illness had had to stop taking them for a while so is back on them, makes it hard to know how long he has taken them for.
I have three beautiful boys and I KNOW I am sooooo lucky to even have them, but I feel utterly useless and damaged for not being able to conceive any more, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??????????????
Here we are, September again and the start of another school year. It is a bit different though this year, firstly because my eldest son kicked arse in his GCSEs and is now begining his A Levels!!!
He beat all expectations and predictions and gained an A in Sociology and 5 Cs in Maths, English Language, Science (which he also got a BTEC C in) Food Technology and History
As soon as he opened that envelope he announced he wanted to do A Levels and not the BTEC at college.
So today he begins his Sociology, Health and Socialcare and Media studies courses.
My middle son is starting his GCSE courses and my youngest is in his second to last year of primary school.
Also this is the first time in 3 years I am not not starting the school term at work, as I gave it up for many reasons including supporting my son through the stress of his GCSEs.
So what other news do I have???....
Ha, fooled you, nooooo I am still not pregnant
But we are of course still trying and hubby is still convinced it will happen for us, even after all this time.
Hubby finally told his very surprised family that we are trying, we were on holiday with all his family!!! (Possibly did not help with my stress levels lol along with the fact hubby was ill again and we ended up rushing to see the private doctor on our FIRST morning as his throat was closing up - soooo scary again)
Towards the end of the holiday I was getting a bit upset as father in law kept commenting that I was broody everytime I looked at, held or spoke to a baby and hubby said nothing, then one night he suddenly told his mum who seemed happy at the idea, but of course assumed we are trying for a girl and told me how happy hubby would be to have a little girl.
So now we are home again and playing the trying and waiting game, today is day 22 in my cycle, we got home from holiday on Sunday and on Monday I took a digital ovulation test and got a positive, the next day it was negative (I normally get 2/3 days of positive results) so although we did the deed as they say, lol on Sunday night (God knows where we got that energy from), Monday morning, Monday night and even Tuesday night.
I cannot understand where we are going wrong as we have tried religiously whenever that smiley face or line have shown us the green light on those ovulation prediction kits, but maybe the key is to carry on for a few more days AFTER those precious positives????
More and more of my lovely cyber friends on the trying to conceive forum I post on are falling pregnant and pretty soon I will be the last one still trying.
Oh well, got to keep beleiving I guess, but that is getting sooooo much harder to keep doing.
