Hello to anyone who might be reading and an apology for again taking so many months to write again, I must try to find time to write this more often.
Anyway the last time I wrote was May so since then we have faced the 2nd anniversaries of Mum and Bailey and of course our precious boy's 2nd birthday in the sky.
For Mum's anniversary this year, as it was on a Saturday my hubby was able to be with me.
My dad had decided he wanted to take a thank you card and gift to the A & E department and also the intensive care unit where my Mum died to thank them for everything they did for her. We went with him and my younger brother.
It was so much more painful than I thought it would be, A&E was quick as he literally only got to hand it over the counter to a pretty confused looking receptionist.
But it was the Intensive Care Unit that was torture, I stood there next to my dad and brother hearing dad talk to the staff about how wonderful they were to mum and to him and my brother who were there with her, it just reminded me how much I am on the outside of this still as I was not able to be there with her or them that day.
One of the nurses started talking about the fact they knew I had been pregnant and not been able to get there in time.
My hubby stood over the other side, I have no idea why it did not occur to him to stand with me at a time like that, but he didn't. i stood there thanking all the staff for acts I did not see and without even realising I was even doing it, I dug my nails into my own arm until it bled a little.
After visiting the hospital we collected the kids from home and took flowers to Mum's memorial Rose bush at the crematorium, also taking some to Bailey of course.
Then we all went for a meal together and then back to my dads local pub for a couple of hours.
its still very hard marking awful anniversaries like this without my precious older brother with us, but I think about him all the time and we will always have the connection that neither of us were there with Mum at the end.
The next big day of course was Bailey's 2nd birthday, I was dreading it so much and filled with even more guilt than normal as this year hubby had arranged to take me and him away for a week in Turkey (dad came to stay with the boys)
Typically the one and only day of our beautiful holiday we were both ill was his actual birthday.
We had bought a special candle holder and tealight and had planned to light it on a beach and have a lovely meal there, but although we managed the candle we were not able to face a meal so ended up back in bed and lighting the candle again on our balcony that evening.We even sang happy birthday.
I know I have not written for 6 months, but as I am the only one who reads it I guess it does not matter really anyway does it?
I have absolutely no updates on the ttc thing, still trying, still failing pretty much sums that up.
It was 20 months last week since my Bailey's birth and we started trying to conceive again about 3 months after that which included 3 cycles of fertility injectable treatments that also failed.
I was repeatedly told last year that the first year of grief is the hardest but I have to say for me this is really not true, right now I am struggling more than I ever have with the loss of my baby boy.
This might be because having been made to shut out other heartache I am now filled with the pain of not having him here with me anymore.
Maybe this is how I should have been allowed to feel when my heart was first ripped out of me but couldn't as it was being ripped in too many different ways.
Only problem now is I feel more totally alone with it than ever as I feel people think I have moved on or should have somehow moved on my magic.
Then there is of course the added pain of my failing fertility and 2 babies being born into my family just this month, I am having to protect myself by avoiding this as much as I can (hubby's advice) as I have not always done it and have worried about everyone else and what they will think.
But I am not ok, it is not ok Bailey died, it is not any easier just because people do not talk about him to me does not mean I am not in agony inside.
Yes I have my older sons, yes they and hubby are my whole life but why does that mean I cannot long for my 4th son? why would having the 3 of them mean I do not miss their brother and ache every time I look at them as I know he would have looked so much like them (my youngest especially as he already DID look like him) I see every day the things he will never get to do and the fact I get to see his brothers (who are their own people and are not each other and so also are not him) do these things does not and cannot change how I feel about the youngest baby in our family.
Please then do not tell me "At least you have other children" Because I can tell you all that ever does is add to my pain and the feeling I can't allow myself to grieve a it only makes me feel guilty as if having other children means I have no right to want, long for, miss or grieve for someone just as precious and entitled to my love as they are
This week a film myself along with so many other angel mummies have been promoting as it is about a baby dying in pregnancy, it was a true story and it was our story on so many levels, in fact more than I was expecting, this film said so many things I am still not able to express or even explain to anyone and I so desperately wanted my friends and family to see this for that reason, but despite all the posts I wrote and the others I shared about the film, before and after it, none of them did!
Yes I know its upsetting to watch for a couple of hours etc but to totally ignore everything about it when they can see someone reaching out that I don't understand.
So right now I feel like shutting myself away completely and for once drop the I am fine act, because that is something I am uncomfortable with
