HURTS

Today is exactly one month till my Bailey was due, going by my 12 week scan.
I know he would have been earlier than that like my other 3 boys, but also because I know he would more than likely have been a c section.

I keep trying to be "strong" and "positive" but when your mum and baby boy die at the same time and you are left having to support EVERYONE it makes it very hard to be those things.
I HAVE been strong and have been doing everything, both funerals etc but I think my strength might be starting to run out.

Something nobody tells you but that I want you to know incase you ever have to go through this is that when you lose somebody, or even more than one, you also actually lose some of the people you thought you had around you.
I have been so naive thinking because I care about people and would definitely be there for them that would somehow mean they would feel the same and treat me the same.
I am talking about the mums I have seen twice daily in my son's playground for years, mums I have had nights out with, talked about and supported through various worries etc, I thought this made us friends, I used to tell hubby he was wrong when he used to tell me these women were not my friends and were just people who happened to be in the same place as each other a lot.

I have made friends with different women this way many years ago and am still close to them to this day so of course when I met these women in another playground I saw no reason why they would not be the same.

But I was so wrong I have been avoided, sometimes so blatantly, and even unfriended on Facebook, which is the modern version of being shunned.
I keep telling myself it does not matter or hurt, but of course it does, I am being punished for grieving, I am sadly far from alone in being treated this way, I know so many other women who have lost their babies and then lost friends afterwards. I do not understand people I really do not.
I go from feeling furious to reminding myself I am coping with the worst time of my life without them so what have I lost?
But the pain of standing there in that playground suddenly alone when I used to be there laughing with "friends" HURTS, being told they are too busy to visit and then seeing them out for coffee together while I am sitting with my grieving father HURTS
Going on Facebook to wish someone good luck with a family issue only to realise they have unfriended and BLOCKED me HURTS
Then realising another friend I have known even longer than that mutual friend, someone I have listened to their problems for years, even at the time of losing my baby, has followed suit and unfriended and blocked me too HURTS
Walking away from the school gate alone hoping they do not see my tears HURTS.
But an even more painful moment was the day my 10 year old, GRIEVING son walked over to one of their sons who he had always played with before losing his nanny and baby brother, only to be told "Why are you coming over to us, my mum doesn't want to talk to your mum" the next day my son tried once more to talk to someone he thought was a friend and the same boy said "Stop coming over to us" This time his mother told him off for being rude, at least saving me from pointing this out to her myself.but yes this HURTS too.

Yes I say my dead son's name on my Facebook page, so what? No one else will.
I read the perfect quote on there once, it said "The instinct of a mother is to protect her child, the instinct of a GRIEVING mother is to protect her child's memory" It says it all, keeping Bailey's memory alive is all I can do, I wish I could do more and if I was still pregnant no one would have a problem with me talking about him, or if he was here and alive no one would feel uncomfortable hearing his name and I am sure no one would unfriend and block me for it then.
I talk about missing my mum on Facebook, is that REALLY that wrong??
I share poems and things others have written that express my love and grief, is THAT wrong?
I do NOT put my baby's photos on there, at first this was because I know not everyone WANTS to see him, but now it is because not everyone DESERVES to see my baby boy!

Another New Year, another heartache

Happy new year to everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas xx

As you can imagine Christmas was something my family and I had been dreading as it was the first one since my mum died. Normally my parents would visit us a few days before Christmas Day, I had invited them for the day many times and been told it was too awkward to get here with cabs etc, for a few years they had agreed to come Christmas Eve, but this had stopped too.

This year we invited my dad and brother over on Christmas Day and they came.
It was hard in the morning when my mother in law phoned to say Merry christmas to the kids as I always waited for the call from my parents and it hurt so much knowing I was never going to hear my mums voice on the phone again, I hid in the kitchen and cried.

Dad and my brother were in better spirits than I had expected but I guess like me they were probably doing it for the kids.

Boxing Day was the harder day for me, we went to the in laws and everyone was there, brother in laws, kids etc. I really struggled with the way no one mentioned my Bailey (or mum) I had given my in laws an xmas tree ornament shaped as an angel with the words GRANDSON  BAILEY on and hubby had put a rainbow sticker from Bailey in their card and still no one said his name.

I tried to keep my happy front up for hours but in the end it got too much and I ended up hiding away upstairs in tears trying to phone my dad.
Hubby ended up taking me out for a drive to get me away from everything and everyone.

We went away to Butlins for a few days between xmas and new years eve. That went well, the kids loved it.  
New years eve was always going to be a mix of emotions, I really wanted to see the back of what had been the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. But at the same time it meant saying goodbye to the last year I saw my mum and Bailey.
Again we invited my dad and brother over and spent a nice evening together.
At midnight we let off a chinese lantern.

Again it was when hubby phoned his mum to say happy new year it was like a kick in the chest because it was yet another tradition I can never have with my mum ever again.

Tomorrow is another big day, it is very special as it is our eldest son's 18th birthday, I am very excited but even that is tinged with sadness as my mum NEVER missed any of the boys birthdays, she and my dad would always come and spend their days with them, something hubbys parents have not done. She would have been so proud of having a grown up grandson. I will really feel her absence tomorrow.