I know I have not written for 6 months, but as I am the only one who reads it I guess it does not matter really anyway does it?
I have absolutely no updates on the ttc thing, still trying, still failing pretty much sums that up.
It was 20 months last week since my Bailey's birth and we started trying to conceive again about 3 months after that which included 3 cycles of fertility injectable treatments that also failed.
I was repeatedly told last year that the first year of grief is the hardest but I have to say for me this is really not true, right now I am struggling more than I ever have with the loss of my baby boy.
This might be because having been made to shut out other heartache I am now filled with the pain of not having him here with me anymore.
Maybe this is how I should have been allowed to feel when my heart was first ripped out of me but couldn't as it was being ripped in too many different ways.
Only problem now is I feel more totally alone with it than ever as I feel people think I have moved on or should have somehow moved on my magic.
Then there is of course the added pain of my failing fertility and 2 babies being born into my family just this month, I am having to protect myself by avoiding this as much as I can (hubby's advice) as I have not always done it and have worried about everyone else and what they will think.
But I am not ok, it is not ok Bailey died, it is not any easier just because people do not talk about him to me does not mean I am not in agony inside.
Yes I have my older sons, yes they and hubby are my whole life but why does that mean I cannot long for my 4th son? why would having the 3 of them mean I do not miss their brother and ache every time I look at them as I know he would have looked so much like them (my youngest especially as he already DID look like him) I see every day the things he will never get to do and the fact I get to see his brothers (who are their own people and are not each other and so also are not him) do these things does not and cannot change how I feel about the youngest baby in our family.
Please then do not tell me "At least you have other children" Because I can tell you all that ever does is add to my pain and the feeling I can't allow myself to grieve a it only makes me feel guilty as if having other children means I have no right to want, long for, miss or grieve for someone just as precious and entitled to my love as they are
This week a film myself along with so many other angel mummies have been promoting as it is about a baby dying in pregnancy, it was a true story and it was our story on so many levels, in fact more than I was expecting, this film said so many things I am still not able to express or even explain to anyone and I so desperately wanted my friends and family to see this for that reason, but despite all the posts I wrote and the others I shared about the film, before and after it, none of them did!
Yes I know its upsetting to watch for a couple of hours etc but to totally ignore everything about it when they can see someone reaching out that I don't understand.
So right now I feel like shutting myself away completely and for once drop the I am fine act, because that is something I am uncomfortable with
