Ovulation confusion

Hello anyone out there!!

Well I am now over half way through my 5th cycle of trying since Bailey died.
I have been on the Clomid fertility drug for all 5 so am really starting to lose hope, I think maybe my precious Bailey really was my last chance of baby number 4 and I lost that chance.

I have asked for a blood test tomorrow to check my progesterone levels to see whether they need to have the dose increased from the 50mg I have always been on (I started taking Clomid since January 2012 with a break obviously when I was actually pregnant.)

This cycle and last cycle I did not have any ovulation tests, last month I ran out just around the crucial time and this month despite ordering from 2 separate sources (one had let me down) I STILL have none and have had to go by signs and symptoms again which clearly did not work last month.

Today is exactly 8 months since my mum died which of course also means it is fast approaching 8 months since my Bailey was born.
I miss that little boy more than ever and my feelings for him are only getting stronger, this actually seems to be normal from what I can see from the people I speak to online.
It was lovely this weekend to see a rainbow, I do not whether you believe in signs or not, but I get some comfort from them and this weekend my baby boy sent me a rainbow when I asked him to, I had been searching and waiting for one since the day after he was born (last time I saw one) I had seen on Facebook that there had been a brief one locally but had missed it, I was so upset and said out loud to Bailey how sorry mummy was to miss his sign and could he please send me another and I would be looking for it and literally 5 minutes later there was the biggest and brightest one I have ever seen and it stayed for ages getting brighter as I took photos. 

I was so happy.

The other emotional moment was when I finally received the photo I had asked the hospital for. I can finally see my baby boy's beautiful, perfect hands and little feet.

I will always be gutted we did not get hand and foot prints, but I have only learned this was even an option since getting to know other mum's who have gone through it, hospitals really need to be thinking of these things for parents and not expecting parents to think straight at such a devastating time.

Easter Again Already???

Been a while again I know, sorry, time seems to get away from me.

I can't believe it is the Easter holidays again already!
Today is April 3rd, this day last year it was the day after a picnic with my good friends, the day of hubby's lovely auntie's funeral and five days before I found out I was finally pregnant after trying for more than three years!
My mum was still very much alive and well as far as we all knew.
I had not had my early miscarriage and I had not even conceived Bailey.
I still had all my old friends in the school playground.

WOW what a difference a year makes!!

A year on my life has completely changed and most days are a massive struggle, my precious boys are suffering too, many nights my youngest comes down stairs in tears missing his nanny, everything triggers pain and memories, anything from certain films, adverts to any mention of cancer or nannies.
There are not enough words I can say to comfort him and people just do not seem to realise how much kids grieve too.
My youngest tells me he talks to my mum and to his baby brother nearly every day which breaks my heart.

He keeps asking me whether we will ever have another baby as he still wants a baby brother or sister he can cuddle.
I am trying but failing in this, I am back on the Clomid medication and am currently on my fourth cycle of it with no luck whatsoever so I am now starting to worry my Bailey really was it, my last chance.
I am debating whether to write to my consultant (as letters seem to get through better than phone messages) and tell them my worries and see whether she ups my dose.
This cycle I even tried to relax a bit more, I let myself run out of ovulation tests as last month I was neurotic taking several tests every day for days and days.
Problem is now of course I do not know for definite when I might have ovulated and so do not know for definite whether our timing was right or when I am definitely due my next period.
I am going with this weekend as when I am due on, but of course I was impatient and tested too early as always and as always got the negative.

My dad is in Ireland visiting his brothers, this is a HUGE step for him, he only left yesterday and i have already had a tearful phone call from him, broke my heart as it always does, but it was even worse hearing it from so far away.
There is just nothing I can do, the only thing that would help him is the one thing i cannot do.
I know people want me to stop grieving, but what people don't understand is i am permanently surrounded by not just my own, but the people I love's grief that I am expected to be able to cope and help with every single day.

We took Bailey and my Mum some Daffodils on Easter Sunday, I love being at Bailey's pretty memorial and being able make it special for him and as a way of remembering him and reminding everyone he exists.
I wish we lived closer.

Anyway I hope you all have a lovely, peaceful Easter break filled with fun, friendship and love xxxxxx