This was the Monday (3rd September 2012)
My hubby and our 3 boys were still away on the holiday I lost and I was still looking after my dad and brother and planning my mum's funeral as my dad was not able to.
Hubby and the kids came home on the Thursday afternoon.
The next morning we sent to see my Mum in the funeral home, then a couple of hours later it was our next scan at Queen Charlottes fetal care to check on baby's bladder.
We were seen by a student doctor, we were telling her about losing my mum, then we were in the scan room, the same one I had had my horrible CVS test in a few weeks earlier.
As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the scanner and little man appeared on screen I knew, I kept saying "He's not moving, he's not moving" hubby and the doctor kept saying he might be sleeping and he's only young, but I just knew.
She turned the screen away from me but hubby could see and we were shaking our heads at each other.
She was quite choked up as she said it did not look good but that she needed to get another doctor to check for her, she tried to find someone but the other doctor was busy so we were moved to yet another "Quiet room" (Have lost count how many we have been in this Summer)
We waited in their with the box of tissues and cups of water once again.
Then this lovely doctor lead us back to the scan room, she kept stroking my back as we walked along.
We were lead to another scan room and she started the scan with the screen turned away from me, but hubby could still see it and sat there again shaking our heads as we knew baby was gone.
Hubby had tears in his eyes, I will never forget that look.
Then she asked if I wanted to see the screen so she could explain what had happened.
She showed us how big baby's bladder had got since the last scan 2 weeks before, she said it had pushed all his little organs into his chest and stopped his little heart.
She also pointed out his head was slightly mishapped and said this was because he had drank all the amniotic fluid around him and not been able to wee it out like he needed to so there was none left to protect him.
At the time she said it was hard to tell but she thought he might have died a week before which would have been around same time as my mum had died.
She talked about what needed to happen next, saying I could either have the surgical option where they would "remove everything" under general anesthetic, but said this meant we would not get to see him and no post mortem could be done, or that there was the medical option where I would need to be induced and give birth.
We were ushered back into the quiet room and told we could use our mobiles to phone family with the awful news while she phoned our local hospital (Hillingdon) to get us an appointment as soon as possible to discuss our options.
Phoning my already drowning in grief dad to tell him his grandson had died was devastating.
As I was talking to my dad I could hear hubby breaking down on the phone trying to tell his mum our baby was dead. He even had to phone her back as he was to upset to get the words out.
The doctor came back saying Hillingdon would see us first thing on the Monday morning and that they thought the induction was the best option.
Then that was it and we were on our way home to my dad and our 3 boys who we then also had to break the news to.
A few days later it was Monday morning, we had to go to the antenatal department, it felt like forever waiting at that desk, the receptionist tried to phone the specialist midwife we were to see and then told us to wait in the main waiting area with all the happy pregnant women, I fell apart and shocked the poor woman by saying "My baby is dead, I can't be in here, I'll wait outside" She then sent us to wait in...a quiet room.
The specialist midwife was lovely, hubby told her about my mum and she said they would delay any treatment until after my mum's funeral which was 2 days later.
She carefully explained induction was my only option because I was too far along for them to safely operate on me.
She talked a little about funerals and post mortems but said it was not the right time to go into detail as I had enough to cope with.
We were told to come back first thing Thursday morning (the day after my mum's funeral) so she could give me a tablet to block the progesterone, end my pregnancy and tell my body to start preparing for labor.
So I had to then go through my mum's funeral carrying my longed for and now dead baby inside me, as I was 4 months pregnant I was showing, we asked the vicar to include our baby we have named Bailey in the service and I mentioned him briefly in my speech, but I still had people asking me about him all day.
The next morning we went back to the midwife at the hospital and I had my blood pressure and temperature taken, was then given the tablet and had to stay to be monitored for an hour.
She spoke to us in more detail about whether we should have a full or partial post mortem, we decided on a full.
She also spoke about funerals and we decided to go for the hospital service where we would be with other parents of babies who also died before 24 weeks, the vicar would then see us alone with Bailey who would have his own coffin.
The babies would all then go to where my mum was cremated to be cremated, no relatives attend this as it is not a service.
Ashes would then be scattered in their memorial gardens as there would not be many. It felt wrong but I did not know what else to do, could not think straight, talking about a funeral for the baby I was STILL carrying.
Taking that tablet was so so hard and I nearly didn't do it but I know I had no choice as I would become ill and could not help my baby anyway.
My blood pressure and temp were checked again and then we left with an appointment to be admitted on a particular ward 2 days later at am Saturday.
I was told if anything started happening before I was told to go to A & E and they would send me straight to the ward.
The very next morning we had to take my dad and brother to collect my mum's ashes.
All of them spent the day with us.
Suddenly at about 5pm that evening I had gone to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding, I called hubby and suddenly had this sudden awful pain in my lower back.
He rushed me to A & E in the car and grabbed a paramedic when we got there who wheeled me in in a chair while hubby got his car out of the way.
We were sent through to the assessment area who I hate to say were useless and actually made everything 100% harder on us.
The nurse we spoke to first was callous, we explained everything carefully and I was told she did not have a cubicle clean for me and that she could not/would not send me to the ward until she knew I was safe with my bleeding and pain, she told us to go to the main waiting area.
Hubby refused and expalined again what the situation was and that we would stand in the corridor just outside her door until she did something which we did.
We could hear this woman on the phone saying she did not know what our problem was and was not sure whether I was having a TERMINATION, a miscarriage or stillbirth!
She did not know my name as she had not even listened and had refused to take my maternity notes so even had to come back and ask my name again.
We were then brought back into the assessment area and I was left outside an open cubicle which still had a patient and relative in who were blatantly talking about me saying that is the girl thats pregnant and her baby is dead!
I put them straight and got hubby to move me.
I was in agony and still bleeding.
I was eventually moved into the cubicle (after having to give up my wheelchair to another patient!)
I had my blood pressure checked about 40 mins later and nothing was said when it was high, same with my heart rate as I was told later.
I was not checked for how much I was bleeding, not given anything for pain, blood was taken after another hour and a cannular fitted in my arm but not used.
After a lifetime I told hubby I was NOT giving birth to my dead baby in this horrible A & E and was going to go home as I would rather have him in our car or home than what was happening.
He ran and asked someone to try phoning the ward again as I was going to leave, then magically someone came down from there and said they wanted to admit me overnight in case baby came, did not want to examine me for fear of starting things off more before my specialist midwife came for me in the morning as originally booked.
They took a while but managed to get me a bed in a side room and said hubby could stay in case anything else happened.
I was on the ward by 10.30pm (about 5 hours after rushing to A & E)
My dad and brother stayed the night at our house with the boys.
The pain and bleeding eased overnight, but neither of us got much sleep.
In the morning my lovely specialist and very experienced in stillbirths midwife came, she and the not so nice doctor went through all the official paperwork for funeral and post mortem.
I was struggling enough to sign everything when the back pain returned even worse.
The doctor left to go and get the pessary to induce my labour, I felt a gush and was scared the bleeding was worse, I was asking hubby to help me check when, suddenly our baby arrived, all by himself, this was 9.24am.
I was terrified, hubby ran and called the midwife back who helped me to carefully and awkwardly get back onto the bed (as I had been standing when he came)
She was so lovely, she put a sheet across my chest and lifted little Bailey onto it, positioning him so we could clearly see his face.
She made him a little cot, it was a little box/tray wrapped in a white sheet with a knitted blue tiny blanket in, Bailey himself was wrapped in this beautiful specially made cover with little blue flowers with lace around it, it was fastened around him with a blue ribbon so all that was showing was his little head and tiny bit of his chest.
She laid him in his cot next to me on the bed.
Suddenly all hell broke loose, I knew she was trying to get my placenta out, but was not worried as I know it can take a little while after the birth,
She called the doctor in and said she could not find it, this awful woman was really rough examining me, then asked the midwife if she was sure the placenta was still not joined to my baby, and even when told she wass postive, she actually roughly unwrapped Bailey next to me and POKED him roughly too.
I was horrified, the midwife grabbed him back, wrapped him back up and moved him away.
By now I was in agony from the doctor trying to find and remove the placenta so aggressively.
I had to tell her to stop, she had called a team in who ran in with equipment incasse I had a heart attack as well as gas and air and papers for me or Pete to sign to agree to surgery.
I had no idea what was going on and asked whether they were going to take my womb, they said it might have to come to it as I had already lost 800ml of blood.
Another doctor decided to try one more time to find and remove the placenta and gave me gas and air.
This worked at about 10.30am.
I was left to rest for the rest of the day so I could go home as I did not want to stay another night after Bailey wass gone.
We spent most of the day with Bailey on and off, the midwife took a lovely photo for my notes and gave us a copy. We also took some photos ourselves of each of us with him.
We got a vicar from Ickenham to come and bless Bailey which although we are not religious just seemed right.
The moment when the midwife told us the porters were coming to take Bailey to the mortuary was unbearable, we both cried.
I was discharged at 6pm with no discharge papers as they had a printer problems but did not want to wait even longer to get home now Bailey had left the ward.
Hubby went back to work 2 days later (yesterday) and I am looking after my dad again as my brother has gone back to work. He is helping collect my youngest from school.
People keep telling me I need to let myself grieve but I cannot do that as too many people need me to be strong for them.
Bailey I will love you forever, so will your heartbroken Daddy, we are getting your name engraved in our wedding rings today and your brothers will be at your funeral service in November my precious little Rainbow baby .
Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
