Been a while again I know, sorry, time seems to get away from me.
I can't believe it is the Easter holidays again already!
Today is April 3rd, this day last year it was the day after a picnic with my good friends, the day of hubby's lovely auntie's funeral and five days before I found out I was finally pregnant after trying for more than three years!
My mum was still very much alive and well as far as we all knew.
I had not had my early miscarriage and I had not even conceived Bailey.
I still had all my old friends in the school playground.
WOW what a difference a year makes!!
A year on my life has completely changed and most days are a massive struggle, my precious boys are suffering too, many nights my youngest comes down stairs in tears missing his nanny, everything triggers pain and memories, anything from certain films, adverts to any mention of cancer or nannies.
There are not enough words I can say to comfort him and people just do not seem to realise how much kids grieve too.
My youngest tells me he talks to my mum and to his baby brother nearly every day which breaks my heart.
He keeps asking me whether we will ever have another baby as he still wants a baby brother or sister he can cuddle.
I am trying but failing in this, I am back on the Clomid medication and am currently on my fourth cycle of it with no luck whatsoever so I am now starting to worry my Bailey really was it, my last chance.
I am debating whether to write to my consultant (as letters seem to get through better than phone messages) and tell them my worries and see whether she ups my dose.
This cycle I even tried to relax a bit more, I let myself run out of ovulation tests as last month I was neurotic taking several tests every day for days and days.
Problem is now of course I do not know for definite when I might have ovulated and so do not know for definite whether our timing was right or when I am definitely due my next period.
I am going with this weekend as when I am due on, but of course I was impatient and tested too early as always and as always got the negative.
My dad is in Ireland visiting his brothers, this is a HUGE step for him, he only left yesterday and i have already had a tearful phone call from him, broke my heart as it always does, but it was even worse hearing it from so far away.
There is just nothing I can do, the only thing that would help him is the one thing i cannot do.
I know people want me to stop grieving, but what people don't understand is i am permanently surrounded by not just my own, but the people I love's grief that I am expected to be able to cope and help with every single day.
We took Bailey and my Mum some Daffodils on Easter Sunday, I love being at Bailey's pretty memorial and being able make it special for him and as a way of remembering him and reminding everyone he exists.
I wish we lived closer.
Anyway I hope you all have a lovely, peaceful Easter break filled with fun, friendship and love xxxxxx
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Thursday, 7 March 2013
Missing
I have not blogged for a while, sorry, time just seems to pass me by.
So, where were we? I have not blogged since before Bailey's due date so I guess I will start there.
It was Sunday 24th February, the night before was awful, it felt just like the night before his funeral in October, except that night he had been here with us.
I barely slept and was going to get up at about 5am, hubby would not let me so we ended up watching rubbish on tv in bed.
In the morning I gave hubby the rainbow cufflinks and boxer shorts I ordered for him as a gift from Bailey, I gave our other boys a dvd of the latest Madagascar because it had rainbow colours on the cover.
We all went to the crematorium and released a special balloon for Bailey from his memorial.
So, where were we? I have not blogged since before Bailey's due date so I guess I will start there.
It was Sunday 24th February, the night before was awful, it felt just like the night before his funeral in October, except that night he had been here with us.
I barely slept and was going to get up at about 5am, hubby would not let me so we ended up watching rubbish on tv in bed.
In the morning I gave hubby the rainbow cufflinks and boxer shorts I ordered for him as a gift from Bailey, I gave our other boys a dvd of the latest Madagascar because it had rainbow colours on the cover.
We all went to the crematorium and released a special balloon for Bailey from his memorial.
We took him a little vase I had ordered and left him a single white rose like we gave him at his funeral. We also left a special card for him.
I took my mum a single yellow rose.
Afterwards we went for a meal together and that evening we sent a lantern up to Bailey.
As timing always seems to want to torture me, the following weekend it was my birthday, the first one without my mum. Hubby took the day off work to take me out, but the whole day I could not help but wait for my mum to phone like she always would do.
Another painful moment was when we got home and did the candles on the cake thing with my dad and our boys, when they all sang happy birthday and I blew the candles out I just cried.
Then the next day it was exactly 6 months since my mum died.
Then of course as the whole world seems to want to remind me is...MOTHERS DAY. I am dreading it, no matter how I think about it it's killing me.
As a daughter without a mum and as a mother without her baby, but because of my precious living boys I cannot just pretend the day does not exist.
But my hubby is being amazing, he has booked to take us to a zoo with my favorite..ELEPHANTS to get me away from everyone and all the mothers day stuff.
I feel incredibly guilty (just for a change) that he is not seeing his mum on mothers day and I am terrified something might happen to his mum before next mothers day just like my mum and that he will have missed having the last mothers day with her like I did, but i guess we cannot live life like that, I just cannot help it at the moment.
For Mothers day hubby has let me order a very special necklace with a charm that will have Bailey's 12 week scan etched into the silver heart, it won't be here in time for the day itself but at least I know it is coming.
I have also started researching my family tree, its this overwhelming need to connect with my mum. It is so interesting and emotional.
My boys are totally stressed out right now with exams, exam results and are desperately missing my mum, their nanny and their brother, I feel so helpless and hopeless.
Oh and i guess I should also mention the TTC stuff as that is what the blog was originally about.
I am back on the Clomid, in fact on the 3rd cycle, but no luck so far, just lots of lousy side effects.
I still have another 4 months worth before I go back to the fertility specialists in July.
Pretty much all for now...
Thursday, 24 January 2013
HURTS
Today is exactly one month till my Bailey was due, going by my 12 week scan.
I know he would have been earlier than that like my other 3 boys, but also because I know he would more than likely have been a c section.
I keep trying to be "strong" and "positive" but when your mum and baby boy die at the same time and you are left having to support EVERYONE it makes it very hard to be those things.
I HAVE been strong and have been doing everything, both funerals etc but I think my strength might be starting to run out.
Something nobody tells you but that I want you to know incase you ever have to go through this is that when you lose somebody, or even more than one, you also actually lose some of the people you thought you had around you.
I have been so naive thinking because I care about people and would definitely be there for them that would somehow mean they would feel the same and treat me the same.
I am talking about the mums I have seen twice daily in my son's playground for years, mums I have had nights out with, talked about and supported through various worries etc, I thought this made us friends, I used to tell hubby he was wrong when he used to tell me these women were not my friends and were just people who happened to be in the same place as each other a lot.
I have made friends with different women this way many years ago and am still close to them to this day so of course when I met these women in another playground I saw no reason why they would not be the same.
But I was so wrong I have been avoided, sometimes so blatantly, and even unfriended on Facebook, which is the modern version of being shunned.
I keep telling myself it does not matter or hurt, but of course it does, I am being punished for grieving, I am sadly far from alone in being treated this way, I know so many other women who have lost their babies and then lost friends afterwards. I do not understand people I really do not.
I go from feeling furious to reminding myself I am coping with the worst time of my life without them so what have I lost?
But the pain of standing there in that playground suddenly alone when I used to be there laughing with "friends" HURTS, being told they are too busy to visit and then seeing them out for coffee together while I am sitting with my grieving father HURTS
Going on Facebook to wish someone good luck with a family issue only to realise they have unfriended and BLOCKED me HURTS
Then realising another friend I have known even longer than that mutual friend, someone I have listened to their problems for years, even at the time of losing my baby, has followed suit and unfriended and blocked me too HURTS
Walking away from the school gate alone hoping they do not see my tears HURTS.
But an even more painful moment was the day my 10 year old, GRIEVING son walked over to one of their sons who he had always played with before losing his nanny and baby brother, only to be told "Why are you coming over to us, my mum doesn't want to talk to your mum" the next day my son tried once more to talk to someone he thought was a friend and the same boy said "Stop coming over to us" This time his mother told him off for being rude, at least saving me from pointing this out to her myself.but yes this HURTS too.
Yes I say my dead son's name on my Facebook page, so what? No one else will.
I read the perfect quote on there once, it said "The instinct of a mother is to protect her child, the instinct of a GRIEVING mother is to protect her child's memory" It says it all, keeping Bailey's memory alive is all I can do, I wish I could do more and if I was still pregnant no one would have a problem with me talking about him, or if he was here and alive no one would feel uncomfortable hearing his name and I am sure no one would unfriend and block me for it then.
I talk about missing my mum on Facebook, is that REALLY that wrong??
I share poems and things others have written that express my love and grief, is THAT wrong?
I do NOT put my baby's photos on there, at first this was because I know not everyone WANTS to see him, but now it is because not everyone DESERVES to see my baby boy!
I know he would have been earlier than that like my other 3 boys, but also because I know he would more than likely have been a c section.
I keep trying to be "strong" and "positive" but when your mum and baby boy die at the same time and you are left having to support EVERYONE it makes it very hard to be those things.
I HAVE been strong and have been doing everything, both funerals etc but I think my strength might be starting to run out.
Something nobody tells you but that I want you to know incase you ever have to go through this is that when you lose somebody, or even more than one, you also actually lose some of the people you thought you had around you.
I have been so naive thinking because I care about people and would definitely be there for them that would somehow mean they would feel the same and treat me the same.
I am talking about the mums I have seen twice daily in my son's playground for years, mums I have had nights out with, talked about and supported through various worries etc, I thought this made us friends, I used to tell hubby he was wrong when he used to tell me these women were not my friends and were just people who happened to be in the same place as each other a lot.
I have made friends with different women this way many years ago and am still close to them to this day so of course when I met these women in another playground I saw no reason why they would not be the same.
But I was so wrong I have been avoided, sometimes so blatantly, and even unfriended on Facebook, which is the modern version of being shunned.
I keep telling myself it does not matter or hurt, but of course it does, I am being punished for grieving, I am sadly far from alone in being treated this way, I know so many other women who have lost their babies and then lost friends afterwards. I do not understand people I really do not.
I go from feeling furious to reminding myself I am coping with the worst time of my life without them so what have I lost?
But the pain of standing there in that playground suddenly alone when I used to be there laughing with "friends" HURTS, being told they are too busy to visit and then seeing them out for coffee together while I am sitting with my grieving father HURTS
Going on Facebook to wish someone good luck with a family issue only to realise they have unfriended and BLOCKED me HURTS
Then realising another friend I have known even longer than that mutual friend, someone I have listened to their problems for years, even at the time of losing my baby, has followed suit and unfriended and blocked me too HURTS
Walking away from the school gate alone hoping they do not see my tears HURTS.
But an even more painful moment was the day my 10 year old, GRIEVING son walked over to one of their sons who he had always played with before losing his nanny and baby brother, only to be told "Why are you coming over to us, my mum doesn't want to talk to your mum" the next day my son tried once more to talk to someone he thought was a friend and the same boy said "Stop coming over to us" This time his mother told him off for being rude, at least saving me from pointing this out to her myself.but yes this HURTS too.
Yes I say my dead son's name on my Facebook page, so what? No one else will.
I read the perfect quote on there once, it said "The instinct of a mother is to protect her child, the instinct of a GRIEVING mother is to protect her child's memory" It says it all, keeping Bailey's memory alive is all I can do, I wish I could do more and if I was still pregnant no one would have a problem with me talking about him, or if he was here and alive no one would feel uncomfortable hearing his name and I am sure no one would unfriend and block me for it then.
I talk about missing my mum on Facebook, is that REALLY that wrong??
I share poems and things others have written that express my love and grief, is THAT wrong?
I do NOT put my baby's photos on there, at first this was because I know not everyone WANTS to see him, but now it is because not everyone DESERVES to see my baby boy!
Friday, 4 January 2013
Another New Year, another heartache
Happy new year to everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas xx
As you can imagine Christmas was something my family and I had been dreading as it was the first one since my mum died. Normally my parents would visit us a few days before Christmas Day, I had invited them for the day many times and been told it was too awkward to get here with cabs etc, for a few years they had agreed to come Christmas Eve, but this had stopped too.
This year we invited my dad and brother over on Christmas Day and they came.
It was hard in the morning when my mother in law phoned to say Merry christmas to the kids as I always waited for the call from my parents and it hurt so much knowing I was never going to hear my mums voice on the phone again, I hid in the kitchen and cried.
Dad and my brother were in better spirits than I had expected but I guess like me they were probably doing it for the kids.
Boxing Day was the harder day for me, we went to the in laws and everyone was there, brother in laws, kids etc. I really struggled with the way no one mentioned my Bailey (or mum) I had given my in laws an xmas tree ornament shaped as an angel with the words GRANDSON BAILEY on and hubby had put a rainbow sticker from Bailey in their card and still no one said his name.
I tried to keep my happy front up for hours but in the end it got too much and I ended up hiding away upstairs in tears trying to phone my dad.
Hubby ended up taking me out for a drive to get me away from everything and everyone.
We went away to Butlins for a few days between xmas and new years eve. That went well, the kids loved it.
New years eve was always going to be a mix of emotions, I really wanted to see the back of what had been the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. But at the same time it meant saying goodbye to the last year I saw my mum and Bailey.
Again we invited my dad and brother over and spent a nice evening together.
At midnight we let off a chinese lantern.
Again it was when hubby phoned his mum to say happy new year it was like a kick in the chest because it was yet another tradition I can never have with my mum ever again.
Tomorrow is another big day, it is very special as it is our eldest son's 18th birthday, I am very excited but even that is tinged with sadness as my mum NEVER missed any of the boys birthdays, she and my dad would always come and spend their days with them, something hubbys parents have not done. She would have been so proud of having a grown up grandson. I will really feel her absence tomorrow.
As you can imagine Christmas was something my family and I had been dreading as it was the first one since my mum died. Normally my parents would visit us a few days before Christmas Day, I had invited them for the day many times and been told it was too awkward to get here with cabs etc, for a few years they had agreed to come Christmas Eve, but this had stopped too.
This year we invited my dad and brother over on Christmas Day and they came.
It was hard in the morning when my mother in law phoned to say Merry christmas to the kids as I always waited for the call from my parents and it hurt so much knowing I was never going to hear my mums voice on the phone again, I hid in the kitchen and cried.
Dad and my brother were in better spirits than I had expected but I guess like me they were probably doing it for the kids.
Boxing Day was the harder day for me, we went to the in laws and everyone was there, brother in laws, kids etc. I really struggled with the way no one mentioned my Bailey (or mum) I had given my in laws an xmas tree ornament shaped as an angel with the words GRANDSON BAILEY on and hubby had put a rainbow sticker from Bailey in their card and still no one said his name.
I tried to keep my happy front up for hours but in the end it got too much and I ended up hiding away upstairs in tears trying to phone my dad.
Hubby ended up taking me out for a drive to get me away from everything and everyone.
We went away to Butlins for a few days between xmas and new years eve. That went well, the kids loved it.
New years eve was always going to be a mix of emotions, I really wanted to see the back of what had been the hardest and most heartbreaking year of my life. But at the same time it meant saying goodbye to the last year I saw my mum and Bailey.
Again we invited my dad and brother over and spent a nice evening together.
At midnight we let off a chinese lantern.
Again it was when hubby phoned his mum to say happy new year it was like a kick in the chest because it was yet another tradition I can never have with my mum ever again.
Tomorrow is another big day, it is very special as it is our eldest son's 18th birthday, I am very excited but even that is tinged with sadness as my mum NEVER missed any of the boys birthdays, she and my dad would always come and spend their days with them, something hubbys parents have not done. She would have been so proud of having a grown up grandson. I will really feel her absence tomorrow.
Monday, 17 December 2012
Got through the weekend somehow
Well that was a tough weekend, god knows what Christmas itself is going to be like :(
Saturday was exactly 3 months since my precious angel boy Bailey was born.
We lit his candle for him, I have had the Julien Macdonald black vanilla scented candle for him ever since the day of his funeral in fact I really need to get a new one of them as it is running out and the smell reminds me of him so much I can't not have it in the house.
Saturday was exactly 3 months since my precious angel boy Bailey was born.
We lit his candle for him, I have had the Julien Macdonald black vanilla scented candle for him ever since the day of his funeral in fact I really need to get a new one of them as it is running out and the smell reminds me of him so much I can't not have it in the house.
We would have gone to the crematorium but as I still have Bailey's ashes at home it was ok.
We spent some time alone shopping and having a quick drink in Bailey's honor.
I was so pleased to find this canvas in a shop (especially after seeing one in the angel mums group I am in)
The words mean a lot as we had the song played at the end of Bailey's funeral, at the moment those curtains closed around him and as ew eventually walked outside the chapel to look at his flower rainbow.
Sunday was another painful day, it was the due date for the little one we lost at 5 weeks in April this year, who Daniel has named "April"
We did try to launch a Chinese lantern from a local park, but typically as soon as we got in the car, it started pouring and got really windy so I was gutted when it did not work.
I was in tears over this, so in the end I came up the idea of lighting the lantern in the house and releasing it in our garden and our angels must have been happy with this because it worked beautifully.
Our lantern on its way to our angels Sunday December 16th 2012
Tomorrow is yet another difficult day, it will be 41 years since my mum and dad got married. I have decided to take my poor dad to the crematorium (If he wants to go of course) to see mum's memorial rose and Bailey's memorial of course, then am planning to take him to lunch as a surprise.
I know it will not be enough, but the day needs to be recognised.
Christmas is coming too fast now.
We are having my dad and younger brother over to ours on Christmas afternoon for dinner, it will be so strange as I have not seen them on Christmas since I left home at 19.
We are off to the in laws for Boxing Day so all going to be a bit stressful, not sure how I will be.
We have got an appointment through to see the fertility consultant again in mid January, the day we got Bailey's post mortem results the consultant there was annoyed we had been discharged and felt I should be under them still especially as we are trying once again.
Please keep us in your thoughts xxx
Wednesday, 12 December 2012
Two Sad Dates
I am dreading this weekend and not sure how to mark it.
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?
Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.
My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.
We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.
We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.
One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.
How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.
So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.
I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.
I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10
Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx
Saturday December 15th will be 3 months since my Bailey was born sleeping and then the very next day it is the due date of the little angel I lost back in April this year, my middle son has named her (We decided little one was a girl because at the time I said I could not face the thought of her being a boy as after having 3 boys it meant I would be able to picture them too much)
But then Bailey came so that didn't really work out for me did it?
Just under two weeks ago my hubby took me away for a long weekend in Rome, he had insisted on booking it as he felt we needed time alone together and because he was very worried I was not getting a break as I have my dad over every week day unless I go out but I do not really have anyone to go out with these days so that doesn't really happen.
My dad loved staying over at our house with the boys for the weekend, he said it felt good to be useful bless him.
We went early on the Friday morning, it was the day it was 3 months since my mum died and I felt awful leaving dad
We had been to Rome before, eight years ago but had taken our youngest son who was nearly two at the time so was not too easy.
I found getting on a plane again upsetting as the last time I had done it was to leave my hubby and three boys on our family holiday to return to England to see my mum's body and plan her funeral.
We stayed at the same hotel because the location was just perfect, just between the Pantheon and the beautiful Trevi fountain.
I love Rome and it is always somewhere we said we would go back to.
It was lovely to be able to walk around hand in hand in such a beautiful place.
I wanted to make Bailey part of it as of course I SHOULD be very pregnant with him right now. We went into a church by the Trevi fountain and as we were buying a candle to light the little Italian priest stopped me and asked my name. When I told him he said "Of course" and pointed to a prayer card with a particular saint/arcangel on - Raphael for healing.
He said "He says "Helen no more crying, you must find things to make you smile" It was the strangest experience as I had not gone in there sad as such but this holy man had picked up on my pain.
One of the hardest times on our break was when it came to buying gifts, we bought things for the boys, gifts for my dad and brother, but then we were choosing presents for hubby's mum, it broke my heart because everywhere I looked I saw things my mum would have loved as she was a big one for gifts.
It was so so sad only being able to buy an ornament for her memorial in the crematorium.
Then we chose some little xmas decorations for Bailey's memorial plaque too.
It is all so so wrong.
How is this for typical, think hubby was hoping for the break to be more....romantic, but of course being a woman my body had other plans and decided to give me the worst af in ages. I was in agony and we had to walk around lots which was hard work, but we wanted to make the most of our time so I struggled through it.
So now we are back and the build up to xmas is really coming on. I hated putting our tree up the other evening, my 15 year old son is more like me than I ever realised before all this agony. He was in tears hidden in his room as the tree went up and I was in and out the kitchen trying to hide my tears from the rest of the family.
The only thing making it any easier (not the right word really) is that I have some decorations made with Bailey's name to hang on the tree, I have ordered some but some of the lovely ladies from the 2012 baby loss group I am in have been wonderful and also sent me some, just cannot get enough of seeing things with my angels name on.
We decided last night we are going to invite my dad and younger brother over for xmas day, this will be the first time I will have seen any of my family on xmas day for 19 YEARS! Hubby was really not sure about doing it as he was worried it would make it harder for the boys and me too, but how can we not have them over, it has only been 3 months and that day will break all our hearts.
I have only written one xmas card so far, it was to my secret santa in our angel mums 2012 group. I am struggling with the whole idea of writing cards and have even put notes on my facebook page asking people to make donations to my Bailey's charity fundraising pages instead.
http://www.justgiving.com/remember/36743/Bailey-Green
I am raising money for SANDS and also ACHING ARMS in his memory.
I have also set one up in my mum's memory as for her funeral we were asking for donations to Help for Heroes, her favourite charity to help the soldierd.
I thought it would help anyone still wishing to make donations and also it is somewhere I can make donations as birthday, xmas and mothers days presents that I so wish I could give.
http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green10
Merry Christmas to anyone and everyone out there xxx
Sunday, 9 December 2012
Why? How? When?
Please excuse the not very imaginative title.
I know it has been a while since I last blogged and I was not sure I was even going to write again as it is not really making any difference to anything and I am probably just boring and depressing whoever might actually still be reading these.
I know I originally started this whole blog to tell the story of my journey struggling to conceive our so longed for baby number 4 but this has now become entwined with the loss of my mother as well as the losses of 2 precious babies this year alone.
November was always going to be an awful month as the 18th would/should have been my poor mum's 65th birthday, with my dad's 65th birthday only a few days later, closely followed by the long awaited and dreaded appointment for Bailey's post mortem results.
Mum's birthday was on a Sunday so I had arranged for us all to drive (well hubby drove bless him) all the way to Somerset where my severely mentally disabled brother lives in a wonderful care home. It was the first time I had seen my brother since our mum died at the end of August, I could not help bursting into tears as we arrived at the house after the 2 and a half hour drive there. My brother bless him just kept staring at dad, he, mum and my younger brother had spent the week in Somerset the week before she died so I can imagine as much as we cannot really know how much he actually understands, it was clear he noticed something was different.
With the help of two of my brother's carers we drove to the seaside, we had some of mums ashes with us and as the tide was out we had to walk quite a way to get to the sea to scatter some. It is hard to describe that moment, but we all scattered some, including my three boys who chose to take part (I would never have pushed them to) more amazingly even my special big brother came over to me as I was holding the container and then copied what he saw me doing, but he was so gentle and kept coming over to scatter some more into the sea. It was a precious moment.
I had bought some sky lanterns intending to send one up for mum and another for Bailey but despite trying for a long time (which my brother was unbelievably patient with) they did not light, probably due to the wind, I was so disappointed.
I then started writing Bailey's name in the sand as I have started collecting photos of his name written on various beaches. I wrote messages to mum too saying happy birthday and then the boys all started to join in too which was a lovely moment as was the moment my dad helped me finish my sand message to mum after I hurt my back.
.JPG)
After my brother's carers took him back to the house as he had had enough by then the rest of us went for a walk along the seafront, dad and my younger brother clearly had lots of memories from their holidays there with mum, I felt like an outsider once again which was horrible and I felt bad as the day was meant to be about mum.
I only had one memory of mum there, from a weekend we had all spent together a year ago.
The boys found the day very emotional and are really missing their nanny.
A few days later it was dads birthday, another very hard day as dad was not interested in marking it at all, but I still wanted to make the day about him so we cooked him (and my younger brother of course) dinner, the boys got him a present and a card and I got him a card and will be taking him to see one of his favorite Irish groups next year.
We also went for a drink with him and my brother that evening which dad loved, he did get emotional as it was their local pub and the lovely landlady sent over a bottle of fizz for him which he did try to refuse until I said we should raise glass to mum and him for both their birthdays.
Next month would be their 41st wedding anniversary, another hard time.
This week we finally had the hospital appointment we have been waiting over 10 weeks for, since the day Bailey was born and before really)
We arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes or so early for our 10.30am appointment with my gynae consultant. We were quickly ushered into yet another quiet room after we explained what our appointment was for. I could not stop shaking and thought I might have another panic attack as I had had one earlier in the week, but somehow I did not this time.
The consultant was someone I have known for years, I was worried as she had a tendency to be a bit of a joker, but she was lovely. She started off trying to ask me how I was but quickly realised I was not able to talk about myself so went straight into Bailey's post mortem results, which was a good thing as I had not been able to take my eyes off the report sat on top of my folder on the table in front of her/
Her first words were like being hit in the chest by a football, she said "He measured as about 14 weeks" She explained that although this is not totally accurate as they just measured him and went by a graph of average sizes she gently explained the report said there were "changes and signs" on his body that showed he had been dead a while before he was born. She did say that being in the warmth of my body would have sped these things up so he was probably closer to 15 weeks.
That might not sound major considering I had believed/hoped he had been closer to 16 weeks, but the thing is if he was 15 weeks it means he died the same kind of time as my mum, so I made that awful 6 hour journey home from what should have been our family holiday even more alone that I already was.
It means I did put my mums hand on a baby I had already lost yet was still carrying, it means I imagined feeling Bailey move inside me the week I was here caring for my distraught dad and my brother while planning my mums funeral myself and it means the day I had to phone the hospital without my husbands hand to hold to get the final CVS chromosome test results and discover we were having another little boy, he was already an angel.
She went on to talk about how massively swollen our baby boys tummy had been and that this was due to his bladder being so enlarged as it had never been able to empty even a drop due to a valve, I listened then asked if the valve had not been working normally and that was when she explained exactly how poorly Bailey had been, because you see there should NOT be ANY valve there at all, so this was an abnormality had had from the start.
She explained this meant as he had developed this while still so little he had NEVER had a chance and would never have survived much longer than he did.
This was especially hard to hear as we had been given some hope by the specialists we had been referred to.
So Bailey DID have megacystis which means the enlarged bladder, this can be caused by minor blockages that can sometimes clear themselves or be operated on in bigger babies, but Bailey's megacystis was not caused by this, he had a condition called PUV- posterior urethral valve.
This had also caused damage to his little kidneys as the urine in his bladder was flowing back up the tubes to his kidneys as the bladder was so full and was not able to empty at all.
I have asked for a copy of the report to be sent to me to read properly.
I was touched my auntie (mum's sister) text me to see how the appointment went, it is a particularly difficult subject for her so it always means so much that she genuinely cared and wanted to know.
I know it has been a while since I last blogged and I was not sure I was even going to write again as it is not really making any difference to anything and I am probably just boring and depressing whoever might actually still be reading these.
I know I originally started this whole blog to tell the story of my journey struggling to conceive our so longed for baby number 4 but this has now become entwined with the loss of my mother as well as the losses of 2 precious babies this year alone.
November was always going to be an awful month as the 18th would/should have been my poor mum's 65th birthday, with my dad's 65th birthday only a few days later, closely followed by the long awaited and dreaded appointment for Bailey's post mortem results.
Mum's birthday was on a Sunday so I had arranged for us all to drive (well hubby drove bless him) all the way to Somerset where my severely mentally disabled brother lives in a wonderful care home. It was the first time I had seen my brother since our mum died at the end of August, I could not help bursting into tears as we arrived at the house after the 2 and a half hour drive there. My brother bless him just kept staring at dad, he, mum and my younger brother had spent the week in Somerset the week before she died so I can imagine as much as we cannot really know how much he actually understands, it was clear he noticed something was different.
With the help of two of my brother's carers we drove to the seaside, we had some of mums ashes with us and as the tide was out we had to walk quite a way to get to the sea to scatter some. It is hard to describe that moment, but we all scattered some, including my three boys who chose to take part (I would never have pushed them to) more amazingly even my special big brother came over to me as I was holding the container and then copied what he saw me doing, but he was so gentle and kept coming over to scatter some more into the sea. It was a precious moment.
I had bought some sky lanterns intending to send one up for mum and another for Bailey but despite trying for a long time (which my brother was unbelievably patient with) they did not light, probably due to the wind, I was so disappointed.
I then started writing Bailey's name in the sand as I have started collecting photos of his name written on various beaches. I wrote messages to mum too saying happy birthday and then the boys all started to join in too which was a lovely moment as was the moment my dad helped me finish my sand message to mum after I hurt my back.
.JPG)
After my brother's carers took him back to the house as he had had enough by then the rest of us went for a walk along the seafront, dad and my younger brother clearly had lots of memories from their holidays there with mum, I felt like an outsider once again which was horrible and I felt bad as the day was meant to be about mum.
I only had one memory of mum there, from a weekend we had all spent together a year ago.
The boys found the day very emotional and are really missing their nanny.
A few days later it was dads birthday, another very hard day as dad was not interested in marking it at all, but I still wanted to make the day about him so we cooked him (and my younger brother of course) dinner, the boys got him a present and a card and I got him a card and will be taking him to see one of his favorite Irish groups next year.
We also went for a drink with him and my brother that evening which dad loved, he did get emotional as it was their local pub and the lovely landlady sent over a bottle of fizz for him which he did try to refuse until I said we should raise glass to mum and him for both their birthdays.
Next month would be their 41st wedding anniversary, another hard time.
This week we finally had the hospital appointment we have been waiting over 10 weeks for, since the day Bailey was born and before really)
We arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes or so early for our 10.30am appointment with my gynae consultant. We were quickly ushered into yet another quiet room after we explained what our appointment was for. I could not stop shaking and thought I might have another panic attack as I had had one earlier in the week, but somehow I did not this time.
The consultant was someone I have known for years, I was worried as she had a tendency to be a bit of a joker, but she was lovely. She started off trying to ask me how I was but quickly realised I was not able to talk about myself so went straight into Bailey's post mortem results, which was a good thing as I had not been able to take my eyes off the report sat on top of my folder on the table in front of her/
Her first words were like being hit in the chest by a football, she said "He measured as about 14 weeks" She explained that although this is not totally accurate as they just measured him and went by a graph of average sizes she gently explained the report said there were "changes and signs" on his body that showed he had been dead a while before he was born. She did say that being in the warmth of my body would have sped these things up so he was probably closer to 15 weeks.
That might not sound major considering I had believed/hoped he had been closer to 16 weeks, but the thing is if he was 15 weeks it means he died the same kind of time as my mum, so I made that awful 6 hour journey home from what should have been our family holiday even more alone that I already was.
It means I did put my mums hand on a baby I had already lost yet was still carrying, it means I imagined feeling Bailey move inside me the week I was here caring for my distraught dad and my brother while planning my mums funeral myself and it means the day I had to phone the hospital without my husbands hand to hold to get the final CVS chromosome test results and discover we were having another little boy, he was already an angel.
She went on to talk about how massively swollen our baby boys tummy had been and that this was due to his bladder being so enlarged as it had never been able to empty even a drop due to a valve, I listened then asked if the valve had not been working normally and that was when she explained exactly how poorly Bailey had been, because you see there should NOT be ANY valve there at all, so this was an abnormality had had from the start.
She explained this meant as he had developed this while still so little he had NEVER had a chance and would never have survived much longer than he did.
This was especially hard to hear as we had been given some hope by the specialists we had been referred to.
So Bailey DID have megacystis which means the enlarged bladder, this can be caused by minor blockages that can sometimes clear themselves or be operated on in bigger babies, but Bailey's megacystis was not caused by this, he had a condition called PUV- posterior urethral valve.
This had also caused damage to his little kidneys as the urine in his bladder was flowing back up the tubes to his kidneys as the bladder was so full and was not able to empty at all.
I have asked for a copy of the report to be sent to me to read properly.
I was touched my auntie (mum's sister) text me to see how the appointment went, it is a particularly difficult subject for her so it always means so much that she genuinely cared and wanted to know.
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