Cannot say good bye so it is goodnight my angel.

I just wanted to start this blog by explaining that while I KNOW my baby is dead, the fact I cannot say goodbye to him does not mean I am in some sort of denial.

Yesterday (October 12th 2012) was my baby boy Bailey Green's funeral and it was even more painful than I ever imagined it might be.
My heart has been ripped out of me.

I had found an amazing funeral directors who would not take any money for the funeral, but not only that, they were so kind and thought of everything.
They even gave us the whole day the day before the funeral to just sit with Bailey in the chapel of rest.
Hubby and I went there in the morning and took our middle son with us as it meant everything to him to see his brother and we knew it would be harder for him if he could not do it, the other 2 could not have coped.

When he left for school just hubby and I sat with Bailey on our own for a while, I read him the poem I wrote especially for him, I put a copy of it in his little bed with him.
I also read him a letter I wrote to him and put in with him too.
Hubby also wrote him a letter and gave to him too as did all 3 of his brothers.
We gave him a little teddy from us and one from his brothers.
I had given him a baby blanket to line his bed and had ordered him a special tiny white blanket with a little blue elephant on from a website especially for baby's lost that early.
He looked much more cosy then.

Hubby and I went for coffee next door before he went to work.
Then my dad came over and we went back to see Bailey. 
As I was leaving again the wonderful lady there suddenly suggested I could take Bailey home for the night, she kept apologising for not suggesting it sooner. It was strange, ass soon as she suggested it it felt like the most natural and right thing in the world and the idea made feel happy.
I phoned hubby and he felt the same so dad and I had lunch, then ordered a cab and took my baby home for the first, only and final time.

I put a lovely lit candle in front of Bailey's little bed with it's lid on.
The boys were a little surprised he was home of course but were happy.
At bed time we took Bailey up stairs and put him where we would have put his cot.
I was able to tell him his only bedtime story.
I barely slept as I just did not want the morning to come as I knew it meant letting Bailey go on some level.
But of course it still came.
As Bailey's service was due to start at 10am everything started happening very early and fast.
I carried Bailey into every room of the house before carrying him back downstairs to pride of place on the table with his candle burning bright.
Then everyone started arriving, my dad and younger brother were first, then my florist friend delivered the beautiful rainbow we had ordered for our little rainbow

My mother and father in law arrived next followed by one friend who had taken me to the various scary early scans and comforted me when I lost my little April baby.

Then one of my closest and oldest friends came after hubby picked her up from station.

Then it seemed minutes before hubby said we needed to leave for the drive to the crematorium.

I carried Bailey on my lap the whole way, it really started to hit hubby when we pulled into the crematorium and were met by the lovely funeral director who led us right to the chapel door while the other 2 cars went to the car park.

The vicar was there waiting for us too. I just held Bailey and wished I never had to let him go.

We removed the single white rose we had asked be added to the rainbow and placed it on top of Bailey's bed as we carried him into the chapel behind the funeral director and vicar.

I had especially chosen a particular song and was halfway along the aisle before it started to play, I had been worried when it had not started straight away. The song was Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good. I had printed off the perfect words and put them in with Bailey too.

We walked to the front of the chapel and together hubby and I placed our precious baby on the platform, we kissed him one last time.

Then we had to take our seats next to our 3 boys in the front row.

The vicar said a few prayers, then the boys stood up together at the front and read out my poem "Rainbow" the older 2 read 8 lines each and my youngest just stood with them.

Again I was so proud, like I was the day they spoke at my mum's funeral exactly one month to the day.

We all sang Amazing Grace, and hubby and I actually DID sing which we do not normally do.

Then vicar said some beautiful words and prayers for us all.

Then my heart was ripped out, it was the moment they played our other chosen music Somewhere Over the rainbow by Eva Cassidy and those blue curtains began to close around our baby boy.

I just wanted to run up and grab him back, I kept saying no and could not stop the tears, nor could hubby as he held me so so tight.

Then the vicar let everyone sit for a while listening to the song and thinking before he lead us outside to see Bailey's rainbow flowers once more.

We stood looking at those beautiful flowers for a while before the vicar and funeral director said goodbye and we lead everyone else to show them where we have ordered a memorial plaque for Bailey in the beautiful babies memorial garden.

My dad ordered a plaque and rose bush in the next door garden to it for mum so we walked there too.

After spending some time there and throwing coins in the waterfall in the babies garden we went for a coffee and a meal (one friend had had to leave for work) we paid for the meal and encouraged anyone who offered any money towards it to make a donation to the charity page I had set up in Bailey's memory to raise money for the SANDS charity (For stillbirth and neonatal death) 

http://www.justgiving.com/Helen-Green6

It was the hardest day.

Coming home without him and seeing my dad suffering so much not having my mum there breaks my heart.

Can't find the words. (Warning possible TMI)

Starting off by following on from my last blog where we were given the great news that all our baby's CVS test results had come back normal and we had been told we were having our 4th little boy.
This was the Monday (3rd September 2012)

My hubby and our 3 boys were still away on the holiday I lost and I was still looking after my dad and brother and planning my mum's funeral as my dad was not able to.
Hubby and the kids came home on the Thursday afternoon.

The next morning we sent to see my Mum in the funeral home, then a couple of hours later it was our next scan at Queen Charlottes fetal care to check on baby's bladder.
We were seen by a student doctor, we were telling her about losing my mum, then we were in the scan room, the same one I had had my horrible CVS test in a few weeks earlier.
As soon as the doctor touched my belly with the scanner and little man appeared on screen I knew, I kept saying "He's not moving, he's not moving" hubby and the doctor kept saying he might be sleeping and he's only young, but I just knew.
She turned the screen away from me but hubby could see and we were shaking our heads at each other.
She was quite choked up as she said it did not look good but that she needed to get another doctor to check for her, she tried to find someone but the other doctor was busy so we were moved to yet another "Quiet room" (Have lost count how many we have been in this Summer)
We waited in their with the box of tissues and cups of water once again.
Then this lovely doctor lead us back to the scan room, she kept stroking my back as we walked along.

We were lead to another scan room and she started the scan with the screen turned away from me, but hubby could still see it and sat there again shaking our heads as we knew baby was gone.
Hubby had tears in his eyes, I will never forget that look.
Then she asked if I wanted to see the screen so she could explain what had happened.
She showed us how big baby's bladder had got since the last scan 2 weeks before, she said it had pushed all his little organs into his chest and stopped his little heart.
She also pointed out his head was slightly mishapped and said this was because he had drank all the amniotic fluid around him and not been able to wee it out like he needed to so there was none left to protect him.
At the time she said it was hard to tell but she thought he might have died a week before which would have been around same time as my mum had died.
She talked about what needed to happen next, saying I could either have the surgical option where they would "remove everything" under general anesthetic, but said this meant we would not get to see him and no post mortem could be done, or that there was the medical option where I would need to be induced and give birth.

We were ushered back into the quiet room and told we could use our mobiles to phone family with the awful news while she phoned our local hospital (Hillingdon) to get us an appointment as soon as possible to discuss our options.
Phoning my already drowning in grief dad to tell him his grandson had died was devastating.
As I was talking to my dad I could hear hubby breaking down on the phone trying to tell his mum our baby was dead. He even had to phone her back as he was to upset to get the words out.

The doctor came back saying Hillingdon would see us first thing on the Monday morning and that they thought the induction was the best option.
Then that was it and we were on our way home to my dad and our 3 boys who we then also had to break the news to.

A few days later it was Monday morning, we had to go to the antenatal department, it felt like forever waiting at that desk, the receptionist tried to phone the specialist midwife we were to see and then told us to wait in the main waiting area with all the happy pregnant women, I fell apart and shocked the poor woman by saying "My baby is dead, I can't be in here, I'll wait outside" She then sent us to wait in...a quiet room.
The specialist midwife was lovely, hubby told her about my mum and she said they would delay any treatment until after my mum's funeral which was 2 days later.
She carefully explained induction was my only option because I was too far along for them to safely operate on me.
She talked a little about funerals and post mortems but said it was not the right time to go into detail as I had enough to cope with.

We were told to come back first thing Thursday morning (the day after my mum's funeral) so she could give me a tablet to block the progesterone, end my pregnancy and tell my body to start preparing for labor.

So I had to then go through my mum's funeral carrying my longed for and now dead baby inside me, as I was 4 months pregnant I was showing, we asked the vicar to include our baby we have named Bailey in the service and I mentioned him briefly in my speech, but I still had people asking me about him all day.

The next morning we went back to the midwife at the hospital and I had my blood pressure and temperature taken, was then given the tablet and had to stay to be monitored for an hour.
She spoke to us in more detail  about whether we should have a full or partial post mortem, we decided on a full.
She also spoke about funerals and we decided to go for the hospital service where we would be with other parents of babies who also died before 24 weeks, the vicar would then see us alone with Bailey who would have his own coffin.
The babies would all then go to where my mum was cremated to be cremated, no relatives attend this as it is not a service.
Ashes would then be scattered in their memorial gardens as there would not be many. It felt wrong but I did not know what else to do, could not think straight, talking about a funeral for the baby I was STILL carrying.

Taking that tablet was so so hard and I nearly didn't do it but I know I had no choice as I would become ill and could not help my baby anyway.
My blood pressure and temp were checked again and then we left with an appointment to be admitted on a particular ward 2 days later at am Saturday.
I was told if anything started happening before I was told to go to A & E and they would send me straight to the ward.

The very next morning we had to take my dad and brother to collect my mum's ashes.
All of them spent the day with us.
Suddenly at about 5pm that evening I had gone to the bathroom and realised I was bleeding, I called hubby and suddenly had this sudden awful pain in my lower back.
He rushed me to A & E in the car and grabbed a paramedic when we got there who wheeled me in in a chair while hubby got his car out of the way.
We were sent through to the assessment area who I hate to say were useless and actually made everything 100% harder on us.
The nurse we spoke to first was callous, we explained everything carefully and I was told she did not have a cubicle clean for me and that she could not/would not send me to the ward until she knew I was safe with my bleeding and pain, she told us to go to the main waiting area.
Hubby refused and expalined again what the situation was and that we would stand in the corridor just outside her door until she did something which we did.
We could hear this woman on the phone saying she did not know what our problem was and was not sure whether I was having a TERMINATION, a miscarriage or stillbirth!
She did not know my name as she had not even listened and had refused to take my maternity notes so even had to come back and ask  my name again.

We were then brought back into the assessment area and I was left outside an open cubicle which still had a patient and relative in who were blatantly talking about me saying that is the girl thats pregnant and her baby is dead!
I put them straight and got hubby to move me.
I was in agony and still bleeding.
I was eventually moved into the cubicle (after having to give up my wheelchair to another patient!)
I had my blood pressure checked about 40 mins later and nothing was said when it was high, same with my heart rate as I was told later.
I was not checked for how much I was bleeding, not given anything for pain, blood was taken after another hour and a cannular fitted in my arm but not used.

After a lifetime I told hubby I was NOT giving birth to my dead baby in this horrible A & E and was going to go home as I would rather have him in our car or home than what was happening.
He ran and asked someone to try phoning the ward again as I was going to leave, then magically someone came down from there and said they wanted to admit me overnight in case baby came, did not want to examine me for fear of starting things off more before my specialist midwife came for me in the morning as originally booked.
They took a while but managed to get me a bed in a side room and said hubby could stay in case anything else happened.
I was on the ward by 10.30pm (about 5 hours after rushing to A & E)
My dad and brother stayed the night at our house with the boys.

The pain and bleeding eased overnight, but neither of us got much sleep.
In the morning my lovely specialist and very experienced in stillbirths midwife came, she and the not so nice doctor went through all the official paperwork for funeral and post mortem.
I was struggling enough to sign everything when the back pain returned even worse.
The doctor left to go and get the pessary to induce my labour, I felt a gush and was scared the bleeding was worse, I was asking hubby to help me check when, suddenly our baby arrived, all by himself, this was 9.24am.
I was terrified, hubby ran and called the midwife back who helped me to carefully and awkwardly get back onto the bed (as I had been standing when he came)
She was so lovely, she put a sheet across my chest and lifted little Bailey onto it, positioning  him so we could clearly see his face.
She made him a little cot, it was a little box/tray wrapped in a white sheet with a knitted blue tiny blanket in, Bailey himself was wrapped in this beautiful specially made cover with little blue flowers with lace around it, it was fastened around him with a blue ribbon so all that was showing was his little head and tiny bit of his chest.
She laid him in his cot next to me on the bed.

Suddenly all hell broke loose, I knew she was trying to get my placenta out, but was not worried as I know it can take a little while after the birth,
She called the doctor in and said she  could not find it, this awful woman was really rough examining me, then asked the midwife if she was sure the placenta was still not joined to my baby, and even when told she wass postive, she actually roughly unwrapped Bailey next to me and POKED him roughly too.
I was horrified, the midwife grabbed him back, wrapped him back up and moved him away.
By now I was in agony from the doctor trying to find and remove the placenta so aggressively.
I had to tell her to stop, she had called a team in who ran in with equipment incasse I had a heart attack as well as gas and air and papers for me or Pete to sign to agree to surgery.
I had no idea what was going on and asked whether they were going to take my womb, they said it might have to come to it as I had already lost 800ml of blood.
Another doctor decided to try one more time to find and remove the placenta and gave me gas and air.
This worked at about 10.30am.

I was left to rest for the rest of the day so I could go home as I did not want to stay another night after Bailey wass gone.
We spent most of the day with Bailey on and off, the midwife took a lovely photo for my notes and gave us a copy. We also took some photos ourselves of each of us with him.
We got a vicar from Ickenham to come and bless Bailey which although we are not religious just seemed right.
The moment when the midwife told us the porters were coming to take Bailey to the mortuary was unbearable, we both cried.
I was discharged at 6pm with no discharge papers as they had a printer problems but did not want to wait even longer to get home now Bailey had left the ward.
Hubby went back to work 2 days later (yesterday) and I am looking after my dad again as my brother has gone back to work. He is helping collect my youngest from school.

People keep telling me I need to let myself grieve but I cannot  do that as too many people need me to be strong for them.

Bailey I will love you forever, so will your heartbroken Daddy, we are getting your name engraved in our wedding rings today and your brothers will be at your funeral service in November my precious little Rainbow baby .

Mummy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Some test results

This morning was unbelievably stressful, I got very very little sleep last night knowing I would have to make the phonecall to the Fetal care centre for the first part of my CVS test result to tell us whether our so long wanted baby has Downs, Edwards or Patau syndrome.

We were told we had to phone between 9am and 11am, so as soon as 9am came I was straight on the phone, first I must have dialled the wrong number (thanks to nervous hubby reading out the number) as I was put through to the hospital finance department.
When we tried again we got the right number but when the receptionist put us through to the midwife the line was engaged!
The receptionist said to try again in another 5 minutes.
The LONGEST 5 minutes ever, then I got through, but had another terrifying wait while she looked to see if my results were in.
Then came the words "Helen, it's good news! the tests for the 2 trisomies came back as normal" She explained this ruled out the most serious conditions and reminded us we would need to wait for the other 49 karyotypes (other types of chromosomes) results that would be ready on September 3rd, 4 days before our next scan to check baby's bladder and development.

I came off the phone and burst into tears of relief as did hubby.
Hubby had been listening in on the call. We then called our 3 boys upstairs to tell them our first good news in what felt like ages.

What a difference a week can make.

I just wish I could say I mean that in a good way.

August 15th was the day I have been waiting for since the week I got that precious positive pregnancy test result, I had self referred online to my local maternity hospital and they had phoned me a few days later with the date of my booking in appointment and the date of the vital 12 week scan when parents get their first proper look at their baby looking like a baby.

I was so nervous about the scan and so scared they would say there was no heartbeat, this was my only fear but a very real one.
But I had not thought for a second of what they actually ended up telling us.
This was the first appointment  hubby had managed to be able to come to.
The sonographer pointed out the limbs, the head and the heart beating away and I was so releived.

The sonographer took the nuchal fold measurement they use to partly assess the risk level of baby having a chromosomal abnormality, I tried to ask her whether mine was in the normal range but she just kept saying they do not just go by the measurement.
We had both noticed the large dark area where I thought baby's belly was, then the sonographer started pointing at it and taking various measurements of it before explaining to us that it was the baby's bladder and that at 12 weeks + 3 days as the scan put me at, they should not be able to see the bladder AT ALL!
She said she would need to rescan within next few days, printed off a pic just of baby's head because of the bladder.
We were told to go back to the waiting room as I still needed to have my blood test to go along with the nuchal fold measurement.
The nurse taking my blood explained if it was bad news and showed I was high risk I would get a phone call within 2 days and otherwise I would just get a letter in the post. (That was a LIE)

After the blood test they actually booked my 20 week san, it is set for October 5th, this of course lead us to believe everything was ok.
Then the sonographer lead us into the "Quiet room" she said she wanted to rescan me the next day and that if the baby's bladder looked the same I would need to be referred to a hospital with a fetal care centre.
She asked us to wait in this room as the specialist midwife wanted to come and talk to us.
We waited for ages in there, then this old midwife came in and was suddenly talking about the baby developing problems with kidneys and not being able to breathe if the lungs could not develop due to the size of the bladder.
She did also say it could just be that baby had not emptied the bladder rather than that baby was not able to empty the bladder.
So we left in shock but desperately hoping for the next day's scan to be different.

So the next afternoon after another sleepless night we were sent to the actual antenatal department's ultrasound clinic (the first scan had been in the early pregnancy unit) Soon after we arrived we had our first big clue things were not right, the receptionist got a phone call from the same specialist midwife checking we had arrived and asking us to wait as she needed to see us straight after the rescan, this was called out to us infront of a busy waiting room!
Then we were called in by the same sonographer, I laid on the bed with my eyes shut willing the baby to empty it's bladder so hard.
The sonographer angled the screen so I was not able to see but hubby could and one look at his face the second baby appeared on the screen and I knew nothing had improved.
He sqeezed my hand as she turned the screen to show me that baby's bladder was so big it wass up to the waist.
Then without us asking she said she would give us a little picture because baby was posing with it's hand up like it was waving, she would not  take any money for this picture either (they normally charge £3 each)
We were sent back to the waiting area and were talking and both of us realised we were given the picture to make memories, another bad sign.

We hated waiting there surrounded by all the happy pregnant women and their familes going in and out from their scans.
Then the specialist midwife arrived and wisked us off to another quiet room. She said she was going to phone up the other hospital's fetal care centre and get us an appointment, hubby was pushing her for more information and that is when she suddenly said "What I am saying is it is looking very bleak" We both broke down in tears at that point.
She went on to repeat what she had said about the lungs and the baby dying because at the moment my body was maintaining the fluid levels around him/her but that very soon it would be the baby having to do it by swollowing the fluid and weeing and that as it was not able to wee the fluid would go and baby would not survive.
She also said this condition was often connected to serious chromosomal conditions, the ones that would also kill my baby.

She got us glasses of water and a box of tissues and went off to make the referral appointment.
She totally broke my heart by giving us no hope what so ever and even said she expected us to get sent home from the specialist with tablets to begin a termination and went on to explain how the whole awful thing  would work.
When she came back she said the soonest we could be seen was Monday 20th Aug (this was Thursday) hubby was desperate for us to be seen earlier and talked about going private etc but in the end we decided it had to be Monday.
So then we had to go home and try and explain to our families and more importantly our 3 boys what was happening, to make this even worse it was our youngests 10th birthday. (Also turned out to be the very last time we saw my mum, the boys nanny alive)
We carried on as best we could that evening taking the kids out to Pizza Hut as promised for the birthday boy.
We spent the entire weekend googling and searching for hope and information, it was the longest weekend.
We drove the kids to the inlaws on the Sunday evening so they could stay there while we went to the appointment as we had been told it would be a very long appointment.

At the hospital on the Monday (Yesterday) we were seen an hour late, it was hard but we knew the specialist had managed to sqeeze us in so had to accept the wait.
The specialist was a really warm man, he asked us a few general questions and then did another scan, he took his own measurements of baby, the bladder, the nuchal fold and everything else.
Again I could not see the screen at first and hubby could, I watched his face again, he grabbed my hand and just mouthed yes, meaning poor baby's bladder was still massive.
I tried not to watch the Dr's face, he said he would talk to us after he had done the scan.
He repeated a lot of what the midwife had said about it possibly being chromosomal and about the fluid and bad prognosis if the bladder got bigger.
He explained that I would need a CVS test to check this and that if it was chromosomal they would not be able to do anything for baby, but that if it was not then it would mean very closely monitoring the bladder and other organs and hoping for the best, but keeping in mind if things changed it would be the end. He also mentioned operating at birth.

I had to go and empty my full bladder and be scanned again to see whether the placenta and baby would move into a better position for the CVS test, I did but the position was still not right so now I had to go and half fill my bladder and scan again.
This time as soon as he put the scanner on me it was perfect position and he would be able to do the CVS, he had been chasing up various test results from my hospital that they had not given me, including the nuchal fold final result which showed I was HIGH RISK, 1 in 90 I was so angry no one had let us know.
The Dr said it justified the test even more.
It was horrific, he gave me a local anaesthetic to numb the skin, this is the only part they can numb so I felt the massive needle go through my abdominal wall, through my uterus and into the placenta and I felt him pulling it around as he took the cells he needed.
Then he checked the sample to make sure it was good enough and luckily it was so he did not need to do it again.

I was given some paracetamol and advice about risks of what had been done again, then they gave us a piece of paper with the information to phone on Friday morning at the earliest for the first part of the results which would say whether baby had Downs Syndrome, Edwards Syndrome or Patau Syndrome, the Dr had said it was more likely to be the other two rather than Downs (the other 2 he described as not compatible with life)
He booked us an appointment to come back in 2 weeks when the remaining chromosome results of the other possible 49 conditions would be in.

We drove home gutted again,  I had been told to rest so had to stay home alone while hubby drove all the way back to his parents place and back with the kids.
Today is another of our sons birthdays and while hubby has had to go back to work I am trying to keep things as normal as possible.

I am sorry this is such a long post and if anyone has even read it, thank you.
I am going to share both our newest scan pictures of our precious little Rainbow baby who we will know more about in a few days including whether it is a boy as I suspect now or a girl.

   

Double figures

I am now in double figures weeks wise, today I am 10 weeks and 6 days (or 7 depending how you count it) either way going by the early scan I willl be 11 weeks tomorrow.

It is less than a week until my 12 week scan now and I know I should be looking forward to it but to be honest I am just plain terrified, so scare of bad news, I know the early scan went well in the end but things can change so quickly.
I am trying to think positive but after taking so long to get here it just feels so precious and fragile to me.

I had promised myself I was going to enjoy every second of this pregnancy if I ever got pregnant, but after everything it has taken to get here I am just scared out of my wits the whole time.

It is the school holidays and hubby is working all the time, my friends are all either away or busy so apart from trying to  keep my 3 boys entertained on my own with no car I am feeling pretty lonely really.
Not missing the early mornings but I am missing the school run as at least I had someone to talk to during the day.

The scan is next Wednesday (Aug 15th) and at the moment hubby is saying he intends to be there with me, he did not come to the 2 early scans so I am just hope he means it and won't choose work at the last minute if someone in his department takes the day off again.

Apparently on the day of the scan I will also have another blood test, this along with the scan will allow the hospital to assess my risk of the baby having Downs Syndrome or other conditions.
This scares me too as I know my risk might be raised as I am now 10 years older than when I last had a baby.
I have an appointment the next day with the consultant for the first time which I am a bit nervous about as this is the same consultant who I was under for my prolapse and she had said that if I did get pregnant again she would strongly reccomend an elective c section as birth would be risky to my health physically.

The day I see the consultant is also my youngest son's 10th birthday and the day my eldest son is getting his AS Level exam results, so a manic day, hubby of course will be at work but my parents are popping over in the afternoon.

Pregnancy wise I am actually feeling more sick than ever, I never felt as sick in my other pregnancies so I am surprised I am feeling more sick instead of less the nearer I get to 3 months.
I am stilll unbelievably tired all the time.

I have had my booking in appointment a couple of weeks ago, I had to take my youngest with me which did make it hard work as I was not able to say things I wanted to and he kept interupting.
The midwife took my bloods, did my weight, height, blood pressure and checked a sample and said everything was fine, I am hoping to get blood test results when I see consultant, but am hoping as I have not heard anything that no news is good news.
The midwife agreed I need to be under the consultant rather than midwives only care.

Although I have told quite a few people now, hubby has not told anyone at his work or anything so hopefully once the scan has been done and as long as it goes ok we can go totally public as I will be 3 months.

So I guess I will update next week .....

A little more hope

I am writing this on the Monday following my rescan.
I was going to waffle on before this but just can't lol
I was absolutely terrified about it, I was so scared they might still only see an empty little sac, I could not sleep a wink the night before and felt so ill all evening.
The scan went well, really well,except my hubby did not come to this one either unfortunately which was upsetting.
But the same friend was very keen to come with me bless her.
We were seen late of course but had another very nice sonographer who as soon as she started the internal scan she said it was good news which was the biggest relief.

She then asked me again to tilt my hips up (Must remember to ask whether I have a funny shaped uterus lol)
Then she turned the screen to me and I saw my little rainbow (A beautiful term for babies conceived after a loss)
This little thing was wrigging away and I could see the tiny heart beating away even before she pointed it out to me
My friend said he/she looked like a little HAMSTER!!!
I was amazed how much bigger Rainbow seemed than I had expected and also that so much could have changed in just 2 weeks since the first scan.
I asked for a picture and was given ...

She said I was going to be 8 weeks the following day and so my new estimated due date was a few days later than it had been going by my last period, my new date is March 1st, although this might of course change at my 12 week scan in 3 weeks time.

I got a call from my gp saying I needed to see her for my first antenatal last week, I went to this and to be honest it was a bit pointless.

She gave me my hospital notes file but did not fill anything in, no medical history etc at all. She did take my blood pressure and weight and said they were fine.

She also gave me the form for my maternity excemption certificate for free prescriptions and dental care which I have sent off.

I told her I had a booking in appointment with the midwife this week and she said there was no point as she had done it, but when I phoned the midwife she said gps don't do the booking in properly as they need to do bloode tests etc so I am still having my first midwife appointment tomorrow.

My 12 week scan is in 3 weeks and as long as everything is still ok we will hopefully then tell the world.

It will be a very busy day tomorrow as it is also the day the Olympiic torch arrives in our town.



Hello again hope!!!!

First of all to anyone who follows my blog (If there is anyone of course lol) I am sorry it has been a while since I last updated, but things have been busy.

On June the 16th, the day before Fathers Day here in the UK, about 4 days before my second period after my miscarriage was due we were going to a family birthday barbque I randomly decided to take a First Response pregnancy test, it was only 11 days past ovulation (i had got a positive opk on cd14) so was not really expecting anything....
BUT the fanitest pink line appeared, I carried that test around with me all day and kept looking at it trying so hard not to get excited and in fact tried to convince myself I seeing things.


I took another First Response two days later and the line was much clearer, then still not totally convinced I took a Clearblue digital test another two days later and the word "PREGNANT" came up straight away, then after what felt like ages up came 1-2 weeks.
I burst into tears as it instantly reminded me of the same test result a week before I lost my little one in April.

I never got any further than the 1-2 weeks in that pregnancy so I must admit I did become a bit obsessed with needing to see those weeks go up.
So I took another digital five days later and was so relieved to see 2-3 weeks pop up after what felt like a lifetime again.
I was more impatient this time and  only waited till the end of that week to take yet another digital test and was a little gutted to see another 2-3 weeks instead of the 3+ I so desperately wanted to see.
A few days later after talking to online communities I did take another digital and was stunned when despite not taking it first thing in the morning the words PREGNANT and the precious 3+ popped up super fast!!!

We kept our appointment with the fertility specialist, for some reason it was not the man I usually see, but some locum who was basically just pleased to get the chance to discharge a patient and kept saying that it was brilliant I had managed to get pregnant twice on Clomid, despite the fact I had miscarried the first time and it was only 2 months before.
I told her how scared I was of going through it again and she said I should ask the early pregnancy unit for an early scan, I then had to explain it is not as easy as that as I know from having my youngest it was hard for my gp to get me seen there even when I was bleeding so eventuallly she said she would try talking to them while we waited in the waiting area again.
The nurse came back with an appointment for.... TODAY!!!!!

I am writing the rest of this post AFTER the scan.....

As is always the way the scan ended up being the day hubby could not  make it as he had his poor uncle's funneral a long way away.
Luckily a friend offered to come with me, she drove and I paid for the car park.
I was so so nervous sitting in the waiting room, made worse by the fact that the fertility nurse had phoned me in the morning and when I had told her I was nervous her strange and scary response was to say "So am I"
So by the time I was called into the scan room I was shaking.
As I was under 8 weeks they had to do an internal scan which although uncomfortable was not painful.
I could not see the screen but after the lady doing the scan asked me to raise my hips on my hands I knew there probably was not much to see.
They had said when I came in that it was too early to see anything, but I was still disappointed when they said all they could see was a gestational sac, they said this was good news as it was proof of pregnancy, proof it was not in a tube and that it was the right size.
They booked me to come back in exactly 2 weeks time when they said they expect to see the baby and heartbeat.
So that means two more weeks of worry.

I am not sure whether hubby will even be at that one either, have to wait and see, but at least my friend is keen to come with me again if he can't.

We did go ahead and tell our kids about the baby last night, we talked about it and decided we would have told them by now if I had not been having the scans and I hated to keeping it all from them.
We have of course explained it is early days and what they said about the scan but they seemed happy.
Just hope I don't let them down again.

Hubby has told his family,and mine know but I am waiting to do the whole Facebook thing once I have had my 12 week scan next month.
So here we go again lol ........