This is for my baby

I wanted you too much

I think my heart  knows why you just had to go

Has to be because I had longed for you so.

Wanting anything so much is just tempting fate.

So strong my yearning, my pain just as great.

Month after month of negative tests

Yet still your daddy hoped for the best.

Nearly three years of being told no.

You can’t imagine the thrill as that line started to show.

I didn’t believe it could really be true.

But that second test screamed we had finally made you.

I couldn’t stop shaking from the joy and the fear.

Something so precious and fragile was here.

We wanted time to get our heads around it.

Before the chance to be able to shout it.

To tell the world I was pregnant at last.

But my heart was lifted, then broken so fast.

Empty, hurting in every way I could be.

Finding it hard not to blame it on me.

Was it my fault we will never touch.

My baby gone I wanted you too much.

Heartbroken

I can't even believe what I am having to write.
Last Sunday (Easter Sunday) I FINALLY got my positive, but faint pregnancy test, (First Response) we were so surprised but scared to even believe it after trying for so long, I took a Clearblue digital pregnancy test the next morning and that too was positive, it said PREGNANT 1-2 weeks.
I literally could not stop shaking.
We were meeting hubby's family for a meal out later the same day, but hubby wanted to keep our news secret for a bit longer, it was sooooo hard sitting there with everyone, wanting to burst with this secret.

That evening we told our 3 boys who were all so excited, we knew it was early days but just could not keep the secret from them.
I was already getting symptoms, I was feeling queazy even before the tests, my boobs were bigger and painful and I had lost my appetite.

On the Wednesday I noticed light pink spotting when I went to the bathroom, I was worried but not surprised as I bled in early pregnancy with my last baby 10 years ago.
Then by Thursday the pink had turned red, I had some lower back pain, but as I have a prolapse I was not surprised by that either.
I wore pads all day but there was nothing on them, I tried to rest as much as I could which meant letting my poor kids down as I had planned to take them to the cinema. I left a pad on overnight, then on Friday morning I woke up and it was obvious the worst was happening.
I took my other Clearblue digital pregnancy test and it said NOT PREGNANT.
Hubby had left the house before I got out of bed and realised what was happening.
I sat in the bathroom calling him, my eldest son came and told me he had left the house and bless him he then phoned his dad and said I was crying and he didn't know what to do.

I had to tell him on the phone I was losing the baby.

He told me to have a bath and as I was getting out of the bath at about 7.45am he came home with a coffee for me.
He sat with me for about an hour before he went to work!!!
As it was still the Easter holidays I had all 3 kids home so after sitting in bed for another couple of hours (half an hour of that spent with my youngest who decided to join me) I had to get up for the kids.

Hubby had told the kids what had happened before he left for work the second time.

My youngest obviously does not totally understand why this is so sad, but my middle son is really upset and was crying a lot.

I phoned my gp as I was not sure what I was meant to be doing, I am amazed the receptionist managed to understand a word of what I was saying through my tears, but she did and the gp phoned me himself later that day.
He said as going by my dates I was only just under 5 weeks pregnant he did not need to see me and that if the bleeding got heavier or did not start to slow down by Monday I would need to go to A & E for a D & C.
He was very nice and told me we could try again as soon as I got my period in about 4 weeks time, he said they only advised waiting for the first proper cycle so they could date any pregnancy, but said to do whatever we felt.

I have been a wreck all weekend and still am, I feel like I am drowning and no one can see me.
I have had to try to carry on for the kids and this morning had to go with hubby for another of his hospital appointments.
It meant we had to drop our youngest off at breakfast club so I did not have face everyone in the playground, but I will have to later this afternoon and I feel physically sick at the thought.

I am deserpate to find a way to mark the fact my longed for baby EXISTED if even only for 5 weeks, because I had not had the chance to really tell people (including family) that I was pregnant I never got to celebrate the baby and it kills me as it is like it never existed.
Hubby has said he will tell his parents about it soon for that reason.

I am going to add a photo of my positive pregnancy test on here as a tribute to my baby too

The Two Week Wait!

So I am in the always dreaded 2 week wait, for anyone unsure, that means the period of time  between ovulation (Or in my case getting the positive OPK) and the next cycle starting.
It apparently needs to be at least 12/14 days to allow time for any fertilised egg to safely implant.

Despite all the irregular periods I have, the one thing that does seem to stay fairly regular is the length of my 2 week wait (Or luteal phase as I believe the proper term is ) is usually 14 days.

This was my 3rd cycle of taking Clomid and I got my most positive ovulation test (OPK) on cycle day 16!!!
It started to go positive over the couple of days before and on CD16 it was VERY positive.
I was worried after last month as I did not get my clear positive until CD24 which made my cycle really long and I did not get my next period until CD39.
I knew last month was not likely to be our month as we had not...tried when I got the positive OPK as we had another health scare with hubby.

I had thought about taking a higher does of Clomid for this month, but after talking to hubby we decided we would give the 50mg another chance as this would be the first month we were going to be able to properly try at the right time and everything.
I had also been keen to give the Sperm Meets Egg Plan another go but with the help of Clomid. I have seen this plan discussed on lots of trying to conceive forums.

Here is how this plan is meant to work....

You start..trying every other day from cycle day 8
From cycle day 10 you need to start testing for ovulation with OPKs (Ovulation Prediction Kits)
When you get a positive test you start trying that night and the two nights straight after it.
You then skip a night and then try the next night for one more shot.
If you do not get your period, you take a pregnancy test 15 days after the positive OPK.

If you never get a positive OPK then you are meant to keep trying every other day until CD35 and then take a pregnancy test if you do not get your period.

Today is CD19 so I am only about 3 or 4 DPO (Days Past Ovulation) so not much more I can really do but wait I guess.
This cycle is a big one to me as like I mentioned its the first proper one on Clomid where we have been able to give it a proper try, I have been finding it so hard to stay positive lately and have really been starting to feel this might never happen for us this time so IF this month is another failure despite the fact we are now trying absolultely everything it is going to be even harder!

It's nearly Easter/Ostara, the kids break up from school tomorrow and are then home for 2 weeks, unfortunately hubby has to work through the school holidays which doesn't make it easy to keep the kids entertained.
We also have a funeral to attend in the first week as his so lovely auntie passed away.
My special older brother is turning 40 during the holidays and as it is on a weekend hubby, the boys and I will be able to drive up to see him on the days itself which is brilliant.
My parents and younger brother will also be going up there on the train, so a big day.
So with all of that and yet more hospital appointments with hubby, a busy time all round.

I can't believe we are on to month 30!!!!!!

Yep by my maths since this month is yet another bust, I am now on my 30th cycle of trying to conceive our 4th and final baby.

This is a hard number to reach, as was celebrating another birthday without being pregnant the other week and of course every birthdayt just reminds me I am getting older and that clock seems to tick ever louder

It also means this is cycle number 3 on Clomid, I dread to thinkk how bad it will be this month as the side effects have got worse each cycle. Today is cycle day 2 which means I start taking it again tonight, it also means I am in total and utter agony with period pains which have always been bad but since Clomid are even worse.

My first Clomid cycle I did have some side effects but I was so pleased when I got my VERY positive opk bang on cycle day 14 and then got my af on perfect day 28, so although I was not lucky enough to get pregnant that month I was full of hope as my cycle was finally normal!

BUT the next cycle the side effects were 100 times worse, I did not get my positive opk until cd24, I got another on cd25 and then had a 38 day cycle!!

I know we were not able to....try as much as we needed either of those months, the first was due to hubby being in hospital and then the second cycle, although he was home and feeling better, he did have a major health scare when his repeat CT scan showed lesions on his liver, but luckily this turned out not to be what we were terrified of.

Hubby has promised THIS will be the month, but who knows!!!!



Another messed up month

After all the stress and chaos last month with hubby being in hospital for 11 days I was obviously disappointed but not surprised that it still was not our month ttc wise, despite it being apparently perfect with the Clomid giving me my positive ovulation test result on cd14 and then the cycle being the 28 days it is meant to be.

But this cycle has gone a bit crazy. I took exactly the same dose of Clomid - 50mg, on the same cycle days cd2 to cd6 and as hubby was feeling better we were able to...try more regularly.
I started doing my opks from cd10 and around cd12 I got what I thought might be a positive (Although it did take a little while to show up on the strip)
Then a week later I got 2 days of faintly positive cheapie pregnancy tests, which has happened to me before more than once when I am ovulating.
But then ANOTHER week later I got 2 days of positive opks, this was pretty late in my cycle though, cd24 and cd25.
Unfortunately by then hubby had given up for the month as far as triyng to conceive, he says he is just really tired but I think he is finding working and all the worrying about his health and various scans etc too much.
Plus he does have a habit of staying up late. (Which I am trying not to get annoyed/frustrated about that as I know he IS worried about himself right now)

Anyway as I have no definite idea of when I might have ovulated this cycle I cannot count days past ovulation and so have no real idea of when I might be due to start my next cycle.
I am wondering whether I might need to increase my Clomid dose for next cycle as if I did not ovulate until this weekend it means not only that as we have not ...tried for 4 days before then so have missed it, but also that the Clomid has not helped me to ovulate earlier this month and I am already back to being irregular and having a long cycles which is not good

Hubby is worried about the idea of me taking a bigger dose as I am having lousy side effects on the dose I am on, but the way I see it I cannot feel much worse, but at least if I take a bigger dose and it does the trick then I won't have to take it any longer.

I guess it is another case and of wait and see this month, but I am not expecting good news....

Not sure what's going on

Not sure whether this really counts as much of an update really but here goes...

I am on day 16 of my second cycle of taking Clomid fertility drug.
I have been testing with my ever faithful cheapie ovulation tests since day 10 and still not had what I would consider a positive result, especially considering I had a very obvious positive on them last month on day 14.

We have been trying regularly of course, but I can't help worrying that I am putting myself through all the horrible side effects I am getting on the Clomid for nothing!
The side effects were even worse this month, migraines, hot flashes, dizzy spells, insomnia and cramps.
I tried to register as a blood donor and was told I cannot donate blood until I have been off the Clomid for 3 months!

So as I am unable to count days past ovulation I have no idea when I might be able to take pregnancy tests and also no clue when my next cycle is due to start.

So frustrating, but I guess it would feel even worse if I was not so focused on my hubby getting well.
He is still having various tests including another CT scan and also a camera down the throat and various blood tests.

It will be my birthday in about 2 weeks so I guess that would be as a good a day as any to take  a test IF my next cycle does not start of course.

Yet again I cannot end my blog without mentioning the tragic loss of yet another icon.

RIP Whitney Houston
1963 to 2012

No surprise but still disappointed

As you can probably guess from the blog title this is not my month either.
I started spotting a couple of days ago, typically straight after taking a pregnancy test.

As always there was that little glimmer that maybe the test and the spotting were wrong but  I have to accept they were not wrong and that despite the good news of being told the Clomid had worked and that I had definitely ovulated and that we had timed everything right, I am STILL not pregnant.

So as tomorrow will be cd2 I will be starting my 50mg dose just before bedtime.
Hopefully  this month will be a bit easier as at least hubby won't be in hospital and will be with me.
One good thing I can say about Clomid is, fingers crossed it seemed to bring my erratic cycle back down to 28 days (Just hope that lasts)
I have just realised that if this new cycle also lasts for 28 days my next cycle will be due to start (or not) on my birthday!!